The Student Room Group

Controlling boyfriend?

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are 18.He doesn't like me drinking or going to parties. He makes me feel ashamed and bad if I do. He looks down on people that do, and makes me feel inferior. I used to go out in the early days with friends and stuff but I never do anymore, as I know he won't approve. He doesn't approve of any of my friends and I've turned down invites as I know he won't like it. In the times I have gone out to celebrate, he's gotten angry and was concerned with who I talked to and what I drank, even if it was just one beer. If he drinks, it's fine because it's on HIS terms. I'm going to my best friends 21st next week, and I feel like I won't have a good time because he will be purposely making me upset by not talking to me or taunting me with trivial questions about what I'm doing and who I'm with. I'm so scared to go.Everything is ALWAYS my fault; he never apologises for making me cry. I feel like I have to ask permission before I go anywhere, especially if there will be alcohol there. I go away to university soon as I have an unconditional offer. I am so excited to go out and party but I feel like he will make me feel bad on purpose and guilt trip me. My parents feel that he always puts me down and nothing I do is ever good enough, and if I do do something good, he always ignores it or puts it down. I don't know what to do, because I always get Manipulated into thinking it's MY fault.
I need tips on how to not give unto him.

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Why are you with him?
If it's not possible for you to talk to him and make him understand what he's doing to you, then you need to care for yourself more than ever and get rid of what's holding you back in life. Making you feel isolated and ashamed to be yourself is a HUGE RED FLAG. Not just a red flag it's a flag telling you to get the **** away from him and cleanse yourself of any of his traces. I don't know how easy it will be to cut him off completely or how much he means to you, but use your friends and family's support to get over him and to distract you during the worst times.
Reply 3
Original post by Tiger Rag
Why are you with him?


It's hard when you love someone... :frown:
He is a tosspot.

Leave.



Original post by Anonymous
It's hard when you love someone... :frown:




Even so, you have to leave. You are not in a healthy relationship and what he is doing is not okay.
Reply 5
I always feel like, when I stand up to him, it gets twisted on me and I get manipulated into thinking I'm in the wrong. I know it probably sounds pathetic to some but, I honestly give him the world and wouldn't hurt a fly - I don't understand what I've done to deserve it
Original post by Anonymous
It's hard when you love someone... :frown:


You may love him, but if he treats you like that he clearly doesn't love you.

You are in an abusive relationship and this controlling path will almost certainly lead to him forcing you to alienate yourselves from your friends and family - your support network who try to help you and contradict what he says.

Leave him and never look back. You need to look out for your own self interests and sometimes that means cutting toxic people out of your life.
I think you answered your own question.. he's controlling and manipulative for his own self greed, won't let you enjoy enjoy that you want to do, you should get rid now, go off and enjoy uni & been able to do what you want.. you're 18, it's hardly a real relationship, live your life & enjoy uni, you'll find much nicer people there

Anyone tried to tell me what to do or what I can and can't drink, wear etc they would be blocked from my life pretty fast..
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are 18.He doesn't like me drinking or going to parties. He makes me feel ashamed and bad if I do. He looks down on people that do, and makes me feel inferior. I used to go out in the early days with friends and stuff but I never do anymore, as I know he won't approve. He doesn't approve of any of my friends and I've turned down invites as I know he won't like it. In the times I have gone out to celebrate, he's gotten angry and was concerned with who I talked to and what I drank, even if it was just one beer. If he drinks, it's fine because it's on HIS terms. I'm going to my best friends 21st next week, and I feel like I won't have a good time because he will be purposely making me upset by not talking to me or taunting me with trivial questions about what I'm doing and who I'm with. I'm so scared to go.Everything is ALWAYS my fault; he never apologises for making me cry. I feel like I have to ask permission before I go anywhere, especially if there will be alcohol there. I go away to university soon as I have an unconditional offer. I am so excited to go out and party but I feel like he will make me feel bad on purpose and guilt trip me. My parents feel that he always puts me down and nothing I do is ever good enough, and if I do do something good, he always ignores it or puts it down. I don't know what to do, because I always get Manipulated into thinking it's MY fault.
I need tips on how to not give unto him.


This is a common controlling issue. Why don't you leave him?! He's controlling you, he's insecure. Have you never seen the emotional abuse adverts on TV?! This is abuse, you're too naive to see it. He drinks says he can, asking you what you do, Jesus get a grip. He'll hit you, trust me this is the next step! Breakup with him, live your life ON YOUR TERMS!

Your parents know, they love you and feel hurt by this, do it for them if not for you!
Posted from TSR Mobile
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I always feel like, when I stand up to him, it gets twisted on me and I get manipulated into thinking I'm in the wrong. I know it probably sounds pathetic to some but, I honestly give him the world and wouldn't hurt a fly - I don't understand what I've done to deserve it


ur not in the wrong though, u have freedom in order to do what u want, and if he is forcing u to do something u dont want to do, then maybe he is not the one for u, and yh i agree with the person aboves quote? :smile:
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are 18.He doesn't like me drinking or going to parties. He makes me feel ashamed and bad if I do. He looks down on people that do, and makes me feel inferior. I used to go out in the early days with friends and stuff but I never do anymore, as I know he won't approve. He doesn't approve of any of my friends and I've turned down invites as I know he won't like it. In the times I have gone out to celebrate, he's gotten angry and was concerned with who I talked to and what I drank, even if it was just one beer. If he drinks, it's fine because it's on HIS terms. I'm going to my best friends 21st next week, and I feel like I won't have a good time because he will be purposely making me upset by not talking to me or taunting me with trivial questions about what I'm doing and who I'm with. I'm so scared to go.Everything is ALWAYS my fault; he never apologises for making me cry. I feel like I have to ask permission before I go anywhere, especially if there will be alcohol there. I go away to university soon as I have an unconditional offer. I am so excited to go out and party but I feel like he will make me feel bad on purpose and guilt trip me. My parents feel that he always puts me down and nothing I do is ever good enough, and if I do do something good, he always ignores it or puts it down. I don't know what to do, because I always get Manipulated into thinking it's MY fault.
I need tips on how to not give unto him.


The easiest way not to give into him is ro remove him from your life and dump him.

He doesnt make you happy. He is not supportive and tbh from your explanation I cant see he does anything for you.

If you dump him now (clean and absolutely) then you cna enjoy uni and meet someone who you can have fun with and allows you tyhe freedom and support that you do not currently enjoy.
It sucks, but you have to leave your comfort zone to reach for what makes you happy. Honestly, someone this controlling will drag you down, so for the sake of your happiness, move on!
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are 18.He doesn't like me drinking or going to parties. He makes me feel ashamed and bad if I do. He looks down on people that do, and makes me feel inferior. I used to go out in the early days with friends and stuff but I never do anymore, as I know he won't approve. He doesn't approve of any of my friends and I've turned down invites as I know he won't like it. In the times I have gone out to celebrate, he's gotten angry and was concerned with who I talked to and what I drank, even if it was just one beer. If he drinks, it's fine because it's on HIS terms. I'm going to my best friends 21st next week, and I feel like I won't have a good time because he will be purposely making me upset by not talking to me or taunting me with trivial questions about what I'm doing and who I'm with. I'm so scared to go.Everything is ALWAYS my fault; he never apologises for making me cry. I feel like I have to ask permission before I go anywhere, especially if there will be alcohol there. I go away to university soon as I have an unconditional offer. I am so excited to go out and party but I feel like he will make me feel bad on purpose and guilt trip me. My parents feel that he always puts me down and nothing I do is ever good enough, and if I do do something good, he always ignores it or puts it down. I don't know what to do, because I always get Manipulated into thinking it's MY fault.
I need tips on how to not give unto him.
Tell him you're leaving him. Then leave him. You don't need that crap in your life.
Attachment does not equal love. You're attached to him by sentiment and sense of nostalgia, not by honest, emotional love and connection, as is evident by your post.

This person doesn't love you, this person doesn't respect you or treats you like an equal. To me, it sounds like you're basically his possession, a person from whom you have to ask permission!! Permission to do the things that you want to do. In 2016. In the dammed 21th century. Please understand how insane and horrible that is.

Love isn't controlling someone, setting up a double standard and making them feel bad for every indulgence and every bit of fun they have, while treating your own behavior differently. Love is accepting, love is equality, love is moderation, compromise and fairness. Your relationships seems to be utterly devoid of any of those values. This person is not only acting disrespectfully and cruelly, he is also actively making you feel about yourself and your actions and chastising every decision you make. Imagine your relationship years from now - every one of his bad habits will turn worse, every kindness within him with perish and you will be controlled and treated horribly day in and day out, not knowing how to get out of it all. This person will make you cut contact with your friends, then slowly with your family, isolate you from others and from every fun and every passion you once had in your life. Don't let him. Don't give him that opportunity.

Now is your chance to leave that all behind and start anew - enjoying life and feeling free to have your own direction and fun. Please, as hard as it might seem, leave him. Walk away from it. I wish you the very best.
(edited 7 years ago)
Honestly OP, you don't want to be with a guy like that. No guy should control you like that; you need a life outside of your relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are 18.He doesn't like me drinking or going to parties. He makes me feel ashamed and bad if I do. He looks down on people that do, and makes me feel inferior. I used to go out in the early days with friends and stuff but I never do anymore, as I know he won't approve. He doesn't approve of any of my friends and I've turned down invites as I know he won't like it. In the times I have gone out to celebrate, he's gotten angry and was concerned with who I talked to and what I drank, even if it was just one beer. If he drinks, it's fine because it's on HIS terms. I'm going to my best friends 21st next week, and I feel like I won't have a good time because he will be purposely making me upset by not talking to me or taunting me with trivial questions about what I'm doing and who I'm with. I'm so scared to go.Everything is ALWAYS my fault; he never apologises for making me cry. I feel like I have to ask permission before I go anywhere, especially if there will be alcohol there. I go away to university soon as I have an unconditional offer. I am so excited to go out and party but I feel like he will make me feel bad on purpose and guilt trip me. My parents feel that he always puts me down and nothing I do is ever good enough, and if I do do something good, he always ignores it or puts it down. I don't know what to do, because I always get Manipulated into thinking it's MY fault.
I need tips on how to not give unto him.


THE ONLY ONE TRUE TIP : tell him to **** off :biggrin:
Original post by drowzee
Honestly OP, you don't want to be with a guy like that. No guy should control you like that; you need a life outside of your relationship.


As long as that life is not sucking cock round the block
Really, just leave him. He's not a good person to be with for anyone. Maybe you love him, but he doesn't love you enough to treat you right. You've got your family and you friends. Concentrate on yourself and they will help you. It's not an easy thing to do but why stay with him when he does nothing but drag you down?
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are 18.He doesn't like me drinking or going to parties. He makes me feel ashamed and bad if I do. He looks down on people that do, and makes me feel inferior. I used to go out in the early days with friends and stuff but I never do anymore, as I know he won't approve. He doesn't approve of any of my friends and I've turned down invites as I know he won't like it. In the times I have gone out to celebrate, he's gotten angry and was concerned with who I talked to and what I drank, even if it was just one beer. If he drinks, it's fine because it's on HIS terms. I'm going to my best friends 21st next week, and I feel like I won't have a good time because he will be purposely making me upset by not talking to me or taunting me with trivial questions about what I'm doing and who I'm with. I'm so scared to go.Everything is ALWAYS my fault; he never apologises for making me cry. I feel like I have to ask permission before I go anywhere, especially if there will be alcohol there. I go away to university soon as I have an unconditional offer. I am so excited to go out and party but I feel like he will make me feel bad on purpose and guilt trip me. My parents feel that he always puts me down and nothing I do is ever good enough, and if I do do something good, he always ignores it or puts it down. I don't know what to do, because I always get Manipulated into thinking it's MY fault.
I need tips on how to not give unto him.


I was in a relationship just like this. It was my first relationship and I thought I was in love. I broke up with him and rebounded and now I'm fine 😂 he doesn't cross my mind yet he was once my entire life. You will love the freedom when you leave him. You're young and you should be having fun with your gals and not tied down to some wasteman. I understand that it's difficult to leave initially but it's rewarding once you do it :smile:


Posted from TSR Mobile
you have three options

1. leave him (I'd go with this... why ruin your first few months of uni on someone who will treat you like ****?)

2. tell him in no uncertain terms how he needs to change and don't back down (I doubt you're going to be able to stick to your guns if he's manipulative like you've said)

3. stay with him as he is, this is the start of an abusive relationship and generally they get worse not better with time, someone you love shouldn't make you feel this bad about yourself

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