The Student Room Group

He said he's falling out of love with me?

So me and my boyfriend reached a year of being together last week. We're in a long distance relationship that has been based entirely online so far as we live in different countries, but that doesn't stop us from skyping and texting and what not. There have been ups and downs regarding the time zones and busy schedules resulting in not much time, out of the little we have, being spent together; but apart from that, there's not much else in the relationship that I could say I'm unhappy with.

But - and this is quite a big but - he just told me that he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. And he said that he's felt this way for a couple of weeks now.

This both confused and hurt me, because neither he (apparently) nor I can pinpoint anything that I've done differently recently. I know that it would be down to him and how he feels rather than me having done anything to make him feel this way, but I can't help feeling like I'm the one who has caused his feelings to change.

He did make it clear that he still loves me. But when I asked if he's still in love with me, he said he didn't know. He said he wants to have the feelings back that he had for me before, and that this is confusing him because he doesn't know what exactly is wrong. He's also reassured me that there's not someone else in the mixture as well, and I trust him on that - so that's not a factor in this.

He told me that he doesn't want to break up with me - that's the last thing he wants. And he said that he told me about this because he wanted to be honest and not keep anything from me. But he wants to be in this 100% (I want that too). Lately, I had been feeling as if he hadn't been putting in as much effort into the relationship as he used to. So he's more or less confirmed my fears by telling me this. I, on the other hand, feel like I've been more into the relationship now than I have been before, and my love for him has increased with that (which I'm sure you can imagine is quite disheartening in this situation).

So overall, I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do. He said he thinks he needs space, or a break, but I didn't think that was a good idea as a break wouldn't make the problems magically go away; they'd still be there when/if he came back.

Does anyone have any advice? I know the most obvious thing to do is to give him space...but in this situation I feel like it might make him become distant and the relationship will go south from there. Obviously I'll give him his space, but not so much that he completely forgets about me/the relationship/everything else.

Help please ?? (Thank you in advance)

Scroll to see replies

I think as you are a long-distance relationship especially after a year, really takes a toll on the relationship. There isn't much you can do solely on social media and it defeats the purpose of being 'with' someone when your not actually with them. The only way to solve this is to actually meet up or something. Did you start the relationship long-distance?
Reply 2
Original post by student.feed
I think as you are a long-distance relationship especially after a year, really takes a toll on the relationship. There isn't much you can do solely on social media and it defeats the purpose of being 'with' someone when your not actually with them. The only way to solve this is to actually meet up or something. Did you start the relationship long-distance?


It definitely does. I can say that with confidence.

He was planning to meet me soon. He hadn't given me a date but I presume it would have been July/summer time. He said that he still wants to meet me, so I suppose if his feelings still haven't "gone back to normal" by then, then that could help. But I'm not sure. I would visit him myself, but that's simply not possible due to family reasons.

Yes, the relationship started off long distance. As I said, it's been solely online so far.

I feel that I should add that it's the first serious relationship either of us have been in, and we're both also young. But he's always talked about seeing and wanting a future with me.

I think that's mainly it.
Being quite blunt here, if you dont see each other in person more often your relationship wont last, im sorry to say.

( coming from a person in a previous LDR with once a month meetups)
Original post by Anonymous
It definitely does. I can say that with confidence.

He was planning to meet me soon. He hadn't given me a date but I presume it would have been July/summer time. He said that he still wants to meet me, so I suppose if his feelings still haven't "gone back to normal" by then, then that could help. But I'm not sure. I would visit him myself, but that's simply not possible due to family reasons.

Yes, the relationship started off long distance. As I said, it's been solely online so far.

I feel that I should add that it's the first serious relationship either of us have been in, and we're both also young. But he's always talked about seeing and wanting a future with me.

I think that's mainly it.

I see. His loss of feelings might also be physical disconnection. I feel that once you meet etc. it will become better. Is there a chance when your older to perhaps move closer etc :smile: Uni? Or work?
I'm telling you now. Long distance is hard as ****. You have to really want it to work to make it work. Communication, trust and doing things you did when you first met are great things to keep things going. Visiting each other is also a great catalyst to relighting your relationship, you get to see why you both fell in love with each other in the first place. Being long distance without seeing each other for a long time does take a toll on your relationship as a sizeable chunk of a relationship is the personal love and physical affection your partner and yourself give to each other. The excitement of being in a relationship whilst being in love with each other is one of the best feelings you can ever have. Stick with it and make sure you make plans to see each other, it's one of the best things you can do in a LDR.

If you need to talk to someone (as I have experience myself of a very similar situation to yourself) feel free to PM me, I have quite a few things to get off my chest too to be honest.

Hope everything goes well :smile:
Reply 6
Original post by sachinisgod
Being quite blunt here, if you dont see each other in person more often your relationship wont last, im sorry to say.

( coming from a person in a previous LDR with once a month meetups)


Oh trust me, if I could meet up with him every month then I would be the happiest person alive. Unfortunately, over 3,000 miles, a pair of restrictive parents, and lack of proper funds have prevented me till now and still prevent me from making that flight. I really do hope that he still arranges to come here whatever the outcome though. I wouldn't mind as much as long as I got to meet him.

Original post by student.feed
I see. His loss of feelings might also be physical disconnection. I feel that once you meet etc. it will become better. Is there a chance when your older to perhaps move closer etc :smile: Uni? Or work?


I really hope that that would clear some things up. It would certainly reduce the miscommunication. He's studying at University at the moment, and I plan to start next year. So I guess if anything like moving closer were to happen, it would have to be after that. So roughly around 3 years away at least (I know that's a long time to wait and that's what I'm worried about as well as everything else, but that's a different matter).

Original post by Protoxylic
I'm telling you now. Long distance is hard as ****. You have to really want it to work to make it work. Communication, trust and doing things you did when you first met are great things to keep things going. Visiting each other is also a great catalyst to relighting your relationship, you get to see why you both fell in love with each other in the first place. Being long distance without seeing each other for a long time does take a toll on your relationship as a sizeable chunk of a relationship is the personal love and physical affection your partner and yourself give to each other. The excitement of being in a relationship whilst being in love with each other is one of the best feelings you can ever have. Stick with it and make sure you make plans to see each other, it's one of the best things you can do in a LDR.

If you need to talk to someone (as I have experience myself of a very similar situation to yourself) feel free to PM me, I have quite a few things to get off my chest too to be honest.

Hope everything goes well :smile:


Haha you're telling me :laugh: and I agree with the needing to see each other. That is definitely something major. Unfortunately, that's in his hands as he'll be the one visiting me. So if he decided not to come anymore, then there's not much I'd be able to do about that. Hopefully he still wants to see me though. I'm not sure. He literally just told me about this and I got in a flap about it all.

You say to stick with it, but I'm not the one who is having doubts; he is. What can I do to make him see this?
Original post by Anonymous


Haha you're telling me :laugh: and I agree with the needing to see each other. That is definitely something major. Unfortunately, that's in his hands as he'll be the one visiting me. So if he decided not to come anymore, then there's not much I'd be able to do about that. Hopefully he still wants to see me though. I'm not sure. He literally just told me about this and I got in a flap about it all.

You say to stick with it, but I'm not the one who is having doubts; he is. What can I do to make him see this?


Yes I'm telling you! :tongue:

Communication, communication, communication. It's all about transparency and communication, if he is decent enough he will listen to your needs and you to him. Best to get it all out in the open so that you can start to fix all the loose ends. It's easy to say yet hard to do. I'm in a scarily similar situation to you :K:
Reply 8
Physical contact is important, I've had my fair share of LDR, it's hard really hard to not be in the company of your partner. It happens, people fall out of love, just give him time if you can as you can't force it if its not there.

Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 9
Original post by Protoxylic
Yes I'm telling you! :tongue:

Communication, communication, communication. It's all about transparency and communication, if he is decent enough he will listen to your needs and you to him. Best to get it all out in the open so that you can start to fix all the loose ends. It's easy to say yet hard to do. I'm in a scarily similar situation to you :K:


The reason he told me about this is because he wanted me to know, and so it was out in the open. I'd say that that was quite a good example of communication.

And yes; it's definitely easier said than done :frown: I just wish there was something I could do right now - meeting is something I'd have to wait at least a month for, and I don't want it to be too late by then..
Original post by Anonymous
The reason he told me about this is because he wanted me to know, and so it was out in the open. I'd say that that was quite a good example of communication.

And yes; it's definitely easier said than done :frown: I just wish there was something I could do right now - meeting is something I'd have to wait at least a month for, and I don't want it to be too late by then..


Ah right, that's fair enough. I'm not sure, and wouldn't ask, about the details as to why he cannot meet up with you. But if it is temporary (as in he can't see you this summer only) then I wouldn't think too much about it, although easier said than done yet again. If you keep up the communication until then, it shouldn't be too bad, I mean there are always bad days (I'm going through a bad week/month tbh), but you have to pull through. If it becomes too much for you then LDR might not be cut out for you, which is hard to accept if you love the person so much. I understand your situation fully. I don't think it'll be too late, if you explain to him how you're feeling about the whole situation then at least he is aware of your stance on this.
imo

1. You havent done anything wrong, but relationships cna run their course.
2. Long distance makes it even harder.
3. Its obvious he doesnt feel the same way because he has got bored or the long distance aspect is too frustrating for him. Either way he isnt getting enough out of it.

Can you do anything?

Talk and agree on a plan that might make both sides happier. Give it 3-6 months to try and work. If you both make an effort, then you might revive it. Reassess it after the time and see how you both feel. If you know he hasnt made the effort then you will know he isnt that bothered and you should be ready to split. Imo its very likely his mind is wandering out of the relationship hence what he said but he either darent say it or doesnt wnat to be mean.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by SMEGGGY
Physical contact is important, I've had my fair share of LDR, it's hard really hard to not be in the company of your partner. It happens, people fall out of love, just give him time if you can as you can't force it if its not there.

Posted from TSR Mobile


I agree. I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do in the near future, rather than having to wait on something that might not happen
Original post by Protoxylic
Ah right, that's fair enough. I'm not sure, and wouldn't ask, about the details as to why he cannot meet up with you. But if it is temporary (as in he can't see you this summer only) then I wouldn't think too much about it, although easier said than done yet again. If you keep up the communication until then, it shouldn't be too bad, I mean there are always bad days (I'm going through a bad week/month tbh), but you have to pull through. If it becomes too much for you then LDR might not be cut out for you, which is hard to accept if you love the person so much. I understand your situation fully. I don't think it'll be too late, if you explain to him how you're feeling about the whole situation then at least he is aware of your stance on this.


I think he's just saving up the money to visit at the moment...or he was, anyway. I'm still at school right now though, whereas he's broken up for the summer already, so there's that too. He knows how I feel about this whole thing - that being that I'm upset by it, naturally. I wish I could redirect him to this thread; that might help haha.

But I asked him to make sure he doesn't start drifting away and he said that he wouldn't, he just wanted space to think.

I'm sorry that you're in the same situation. It's not a pleasant one to be in. :frown:
Original post by Anonymous
I think he's just saving up the money to visit at the moment...or he was, anyway. I'm still at school right now though, whereas he's broken up for the summer already, so there's that too. He knows how I feel about this whole thing - that being that I'm upset by it, naturally. I wish I could redirect him to this thread; that might help haha.

But I asked him to make sure he doesn't start drifting away and he said that he wouldn't, he just wanted space to think.

I'm sorry that you're in the same situation. It's not a pleasant one to be in. :frown:


Ah alright. If he needs space to think, I'm sure he just wants to think about spending the money. It is a financial investment to see your partner (although when I spent money to see my girlfriend, I didn't really think about the money, then again, she wasn't that far away). It's pretty easy to see when he's drifting away, although if he is just not talking in general, he really does need time.

It is horrible, it keeps me awake at night, it distracts my mood and affects my mood in general. It's horrible, but I have to put up with it if I want it to work out, which I do.
Original post by Anonymous
I agree. I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do in the near future, rather than having to wait on something that might not happen


The only thing you could do is meet with him face to face if thats not possible it will be hard for him to get those feelings back, where do you both live?
Original post by 999tigger
imo

1. You havent done anything wrong, but relationships cna run their course.
2. Long distance makes it even harder.
3. Its obvious he doesnt feel the same way because he has got bored or the long distance aspect is too frustrating for him. Either way he isnt getting enough out of it.

Can you do anything?

Talk and agree on a plan that might make both sides happier. Give it 3-6 months to try and work. If you both make an effort, then you might revive it. Reassess it after the time and see how you both feel. If you know he hasnt made the effort then you will know he isnt that bothered and you should be ready to split. Imo its very likely his mind is wandering out of the relationship hence what he said but he either darent say it or doesnt wnat to be mean.


1. I know about relationships running their course; I just feel like there's a lot more to this relationship. And I think he does too. But even if it was the case I don't think I'd accept it, which might not be a great thing.
2. 100%
3. He said that the physical part of the relationship (or lack thereof) isn't what's causing him to feel this way. But that's always a factor in LDRs

And I think that would be a good plan. I could get a better feel at where I stand then, rather than trying to pick his brains about what exactly is wrong.

I won't be giving up any time soon though, unless he gives me a good reason to.
Original post by chikane
The only thing you could do is meet with him face to face if thats not possible it will be hard for him to get those feelings back, where do you both live?


I know. He lives in the US and I'm from the UK, so there's a considerable distance, as i said before. Also factoring in the problems with my parents makes for a very awkward situation.

But it seems that the overall consensus is to meet up.
Original post by Anonymous
1. I know about relationships running their course; I just feel like there's a lot more to this relationship. And I think he does too. But even if it was the case I don't think I'd accept it, which might not be a great thing.
2. 100%
3. He said that the physical part of the relationship (or lack thereof) isn't what's causing him to feel this way. But that's always a factor in LDRs

And I think that would be a good plan. I could get a better feel at where I stand then, rather than trying to pick his brains about what exactly is wrong.

I won't be giving up any time soon though, unless he gives me a good reason to.


Just remain in control by having a clear plan, thus if it doesnt work in 6 months you know youve given it every chance and that should make it easier to end it cleanly on your terms. be aware boys and people speak a lot of rubbish.

Which diffeent countries are you in? If you dont have an end game then it can be even harder.
Original post by 999tigger
Just remain in control by having a clear plan, thus if it doesn't work in 6 months you know you've given it every chance and that should make it easier to end it cleanly on your terms. be aware boys and people speak a lot of rubbish.

Which different countries are you in? If you don't have an end game then it can be even harder.


I think I will end up doing that if he doesn't come back from his 'space' with anything favourable in mind. And I will keep that in mind :tongue:

He's in the US whilst I'm from the UK, by the way.

Latest