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Racist mother - Please advise me

Hi everyone, I'm posting this thread up because I'm not sure where else to turn and i'd like to get some feedback from the TSR community. Please feel to advise as you see fit. Thank you so much in advance.

I'm sorry if this is a little long-winded to read but I want to give as much information as possible so the situation is as clear as possible...


So a little background:

I'm going to my final year at univeristy in a London uni. I am a little older than the usual final year student due to me taking two gap years before and during the course of my degree. My mother is a single mother who has raised my sisters and I up for years without any help so I feel a certain level of indebtedness to her on that account. We're West African so my mother tends to have quite 'strong' views when it comes to how things should be done. However given that my sisters and I were not surrounded by people who had a similar mindset to my mother, we tend to be more liberal in our thinking and our view of the world around us.

So the issue:

Two years ago I met this really great guy. My previous relationships before him have not been all that great, a little lackluster and really nothing to write home about. But this guy. I spend days and days with him and I just can not describe how happy I am when we're together. We do argue and have our differences but those times still don't take away from the overall shine of the relationship. I have met his family and I get on so well with them, I adore his mom and keep in touch with her when I'm not visiting.

My mother has never met him and refuses to do so because he is white. That is her only reason. i know how this sounds and i can not describe how heartbreaking it is to hear her racist remarks towards him and just her general abuse. I have cried and cried at the hands of this woman over my boyfriend. She's called me every name under the sun because she believes that I shouldn't be with him because of his race. She refuses to acknowledge how happy he makes me. My sisters have met him and they all love him and think he's wonderful and they have tried to talk sense into her and she refuses to budge. She just goes about her way of trying to get me to break up with him. She once gave me an ultimatum that I should either choose her or leave him. I got tired of the stress and abuse and my boyfriend and I broke up briefly. However, I got back with him again because I got tired of compromising my own happiness for her ignorance.

Fast-forward to this morning:

She found out that I decided to complete an internship for a Big 4 company closer to where he lives. She called me and she was furious and ranting and raving. When I initially applied I didn't think I'd get through and secure the internship so I figure I'd cross that bridge when I got there. Well, turns out that I would have to cross that bridge today. She's not happy at all that I would be living closer to him and away from the family home for the duration of my internship. It's not the fact that I would be away from the family home as I have been to boarding school and my internship in my first year meant I spent 2 months living in Herts for the duration of that internship. This internship is a great opportunity and I'm very much looking forward to it. But I can't get over the fact that she hates someone that she has never met before so strongly due to his race and the fact that I won't dump him on a whim to keep her happy.

Has anyone else every experienced this or a similar situation before? Or do y'all have any advice for me to help manage my relationship with my mother? Regardless of her behaviour I still love her very much and I just would like to make things work and get her to accept him or at least meet him once.

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Reply 1
Maybe you should, I dunno, explain how you really like him and use what she would usually say to make her like him.nsorry if that sounds weird, but for example if she always says "love is the strongest thing" for example or whatever, twist it round so that for her not to accept him would be againts her own principles.
It's disgusting that your mum lives in a white country yet hates the white man. Ask her how she would feel if her daughter was rejected by a white man for being black and observe her reaction
Reply 3
Original post by neal95
It's disgusting that your mum lives in a white country yet hates the white man. Ask her how she would feel if her daughter was rejected by a white man for being black and observe her reaction


I just don't know anymore. I've tried explaining that to her but she just doesn't want to accept it. She would be furious if it was the other way around and it was mother that was being such a t** to me. I'm at my wit's end and I know how disgusting it sounds for her to act in this way
This is such a complicated situation to be in but I don't think it's how your Mother grew up in terms of her background...It is just her mindset and personality.

My Mum is of a west African desent and although we disagree and agrue on a lot of things, race is not one of them. My mum is very open with me dating outside of my race. But your Mum isn't the only parent out there that wishes their daughter to not marry outside of their race; It is rather upsetting inthat in 2016 people still have this backwards mindset but...whatever.
The best advice I can give you is just to ignore your Mother and do what you want. You are over 18 and you are in charge of your own life and you do whatever you want. If she brings up that topic then change the subject. It is going to be very hard to come to terms with but you actually just have to accept that your Mum has this mindset unforunately. But like I said do what you want- because you are going to be living with yourself longer than with anyone else.
Good luck :smile:
Reply 5
Original post by FNPC
Maybe you should, I dunno, explain how you really like him and use what she would usually say to make her like him.nsorry if that sounds weird, but for example if she always says "love is the strongest thing" for example or whatever, twist it round so that for her not to accept him would be againts her own principles.


I tried that, she just doesn't budge. I have run out of things to do about it tbh
Reply 6
Original post by loveleest
This is such a complicated situation to be in but I don't think it's how your Mother grew up in terms of her background...It is just her mindset and personality.

My Mum is of a west African desent and although we disagree and agrue on a lot of things, race is not one of them. My mum is very open with me dating outside of my race. But your Mum isn't the only parent out there that wishes their daughter to not marry outside of their race; It is rather upsetting inthat in 2016 people still have this backwards mindset but...whatever.
The best advice I can give you is just to ignore your Mother and do what you want. You are over 18 and you are in charge of your own life and you do whatever you want. If she brings up that topic then change the subject. It is going to be very hard to come to terms with but you actually just have to accept that your Mum has this mindset unforunately. But like I said do what you want- because you are going to be living with yourself longer than with anyone else.
Good luck :smile:


thank you so much! I'm doing the best I can to make myself happy, she just doesn't want to accept that. I don't get the problem with dating outside your race but she's just the way she is. She's too old to change it. Your mom is West-African too so I can't say that it's a West-African thing. It's ridiculously backwards, but thank you for your advice. I appreciate it :smile:
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
Hi everyone, I'm posting this thread up because I'm not sure where else to turn and i'd like to get some feedback from the TSR community. Please feel to advise as you see fit. Thank you so much in advance.

I'm sorry if this is a little long-winded to read but I want to give as much information as possible so the situation is as clear as possible...


So a little background:

I'm going to my final year at univeristy in a London uni. I am a little older than the usual final year student due to me taking two gap years before and during the course of my degree. My mother is a single mother who has raised my sisters and I up for years without any help so I feel a certain level of indebtedness to her on that account. We're West African so my mother tends to have quite 'strong' views when it comes to how things should be done. However given that my sisters and I were not surrounded by people who had a similar mindset to my mother, we tend to be more liberal in our thinking and our view of the world around us.

So the issue:

Two years ago I met this really great guy. My previous relationships before him have not been all that great, a little lackluster and really nothing to write home about. But this guy. I spend days and days with him and I just can not describe how happy I am when we're together. We do argue and have our differences but those times still don't take away from the overall shine of the relationship. I have met his family and I get on so well with them, I adore his mom and keep in touch with her when I'm not visiting.

My mother has never met him and refuses to do so because he is white. That is her only reason. i know how this sounds and i can not describe how heartbreaking it is to hear her racist remarks towards him and just her general abuse. I have cried and cried at the hands of this woman over my boyfriend. She's called me every name under the sun because she believes that I shouldn't be with him because of his race. She refuses to acknowledge how happy he makes me. My sisters have met him and they all love him and think he's wonderful and they have tried to talk sense into her and she refuses to budge. She just goes about her way of trying to get me to break up with him. She once gave me an ultimatum that I should either choose her or leave him. I got tired of the stress and abuse and my boyfriend and I broke up briefly. However, I got back with him again because I got tired of compromising my own happiness for her ignorance.

Fast-forward to this morning:

She found out that I decided to complete an internship for a Big 4 company closer to where he lives. She called me and she was furious and ranting and raving. When I initially applied I didn't think I'd get through and secure the internship so I figure I'd cross that bridge when I got there. Well, turns out that I would have to cross that bridge today. She's not happy at all that I would be living closer to him and away from the family home for the duration of my internship. It's not the fact that I would be away from the family home as I have been to boarding school and my internship in my first year meant I spent 2 months living in Herts for the duration of that internship. This internship is a great opportunity and I'm very much looking forward to it. But I can't get over the fact that she hates someone that she has never met before so strongly due to his race and the fact that I won't dump him on a whim to keep her happy.

Has anyone else every experienced this or a similar situation before? Or do y'all have any advice for me to help manage my relationship with my mother? Regardless of her behaviour I still love her very much and I just would like to make things work and get her to accept him or at least meet him once.


What if he meets her? I think the only way you can overcome her racism is by making her actually talk to him. He could speak to her and tell her how he's really just like you and you can work out any differences then.
Original post by Anonymous
thank you so much! I'm doing the best I can to make myself happy, she just doesn't want to accept that. I don't get the problem with dating outside your race but she's just the way she is. She's too old to change it. Your mom is West-African too so I can't say that it's a West-African thing. It's ridiculously backwards, but thank you for your advice. I appreciate it :smile:


You welcome, and yes unfortunately your Mum doesn't sound like her mindset will change.
What will your Mum say if you married outside your race? Do you think she will go as deep as disowning you?
Reply 9
Original post by oShahpo
What if he meets her? I think the only way you can overcome her racism is by making her actually talk to him. He could speak to her and tell her how he's really just like you and you can work out any differences then.



This would be my dream scenario tbh. BUT she flat out refuses to meet him. It makes no logical sense at all but here we are
Original post by loveleest
You welcome, and yes unfortunately your Mum doesn't sound like her mindset will change.
What will your Mum say if you married outside your race? Do you think she will go as deep as disowning you?


Hmm, i'd expect her reaction would be similar. She disowned me briefly two years ago when i told her that we were together but she slowly got over it. She would just say little nasty comments every so often but yeah. If I married outside my race, she might disown me but I just don't think it would last long.
Original post by Anonymous
This would be my dream scenario tbh. BUT she flat out refuses to meet him. It makes no logical sense at all but here we are


Could possibly make him surprise her in anyway ?
Original post by Anonymous
Hmm, i'd expect her reaction would be similar. She disowned me briefly two years ago when i told her that we were together but she slowly got over it. She would just say little nasty comments every so often but yeah. If I married outside my race, she might disown me but I just don't think it would last long.


I have heard lots of parents of an South Asian background disowning their children for marrying outside their race but I didn't know that it happened for west Africans; I thought that the west Africans living in here would be more liberal but I guess I was wrong :frown:

Like I said previously you just need to brush of your Mums racist comments and accept how she see. Once you accept that you would feel a lot more better and her comments wouldn't mean anything to you.
Original post by oShahpo
Could possibly make him surprise her in anyway ?


That could possibly work.. But her reactions are too volatile to predict. Thank you for the suggestion, it could work I just have to figure out a way to do that
Original post by oShahpo
Could possibly make him surprise her in anyway ?


I dont think that would work at all in her situation and what OP is going though isn't new to a lot of people.
Original post by Anonymous
That could possibly work.. But her reactions are too volatile to predict. Thank you for the suggestion, it could work I just have to figure out a way to do that

My advice is try to pick a time when she's feeling happy or well. Cheers, I wish you all the best.
Does the guy himself know? Cause if so, I doubt she'd be screaming at you if you randomly turned up with him next to you. Maybe beg him to just turn up at your house?

I feel bad for you lol. How would she feel if someone were racially abusing you
Original post by oShahpo
My advice is try to pick a time when she's feeling happy or well. Cheers, I wish you all the best.


Thank you for your advice! :smile:
Original post by lucabrasi98
Does the guy himself know? Cause if so, I doubt she'd be screaming at you if you randomly turned up with him next to you. Maybe beg him to just turn up at your house?

I feel bad for you lol. How would she feel if someone were racially abusing you


The crazy thing is if I told her someone was doing this to me, she would be p***ed. She'd insist on going down to talk to them to make them see reason. It all defies logic tbh
Original post by Anonymous
The crazy thing is if I told her someone was doing this to me, she would be p***ed. She'd insist on going down to talk to them to make them see reason. It all defies logic tbh


That's not really surprising. People who think that way never actually use logic. All I can say is don't let her ridiculous views get in the way of your relationship and cause tension. Do any of your extended family think how she does and agree?

Idk. maybe troll her one day and say and say an african guy rejected and was rude to you because he only dates asians and see her reaction
(edited 7 years ago)

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