What is wrong with me? (reoccurring cycle of depression / personality disorder?)

Original post by Anonymous

Hi,

Over the past year I've been struggling with depression. The issue is, when I want to go to the doctor, I start to feel fine for a few weeks - even feel amazing about life and love everything.
Suddenly this stops, and I hate everything and am plunged back in to depression - I practically go from full optimistic to total pessimist, and its ruining my life. Suddenly I want to climb mountains and other times I've been very close to suicide - oddly enough, I've become aware of the cycle and know I will feel better soon; I genuinely have no control over it.
I didn't manage to focus in my A-Level exams and probably completely underachieved for the second half. I don't feel I can tell my parents because I know they'll just shrug it off, say its a phase, or ask how I feel in a few days. They always like to delay things, and I know I cant convince the doctor I'm feeling depressed when I'm in my happy state, and often at this time I shrug it off myself.

Is this regular? Or something other than depression, like a personality disorder?

Is it too late to go to the doctors and ask for the special circumstances allowance for my exams? Can any medicine really help disorders like this?
I'm also really scared about how being defined as depressed will affect me and those around me.

Thank you for your time, and I'm sorry for being a bit sporadic.

Some people tend to be a lot more balanced/stable than others. In others, anything can trigger a mood shift, sometimes it can happen on its own. It's not necessarily a mental health problem. That's the case with me. And perhaps, with you also. Think twice before you decide that you want 'treatment'. They will probably label you 'bipolar'. Happened to me, unfortunately. You can't erase that from your records, ever.

Reply 2

Airmed

Please don't self diagnosis as having a personality disorder. Please go to your doctors. :sadnod:

There is medication and therapy available, if you are willing.

I understand what you are going through though, I do.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Ciel.

Some people tend to be a lot more balanced/stable than others. In others, anything can trigger a mood shift, sometimes it can happen on its own. It's not necessarily a mental health problem. That's the case with me. And perhaps, with you also. Think twice before you decide that you want 'treatment'. They will probably label you 'bipolar'. Happened to me, unfortunately. You can't erase that from your records, ever.

So has being diagnosed negatively affected you? Do you feel as though the diagnosis was accurate, considering yourself now? You seem to imply that being defined as bipolar is a thorn in your side. Do you have to take any medication?
Sorry for the questions, I'm just trying to understand the possibilities. I really appreciate the response.

Original post by Airmed

Please don't self diagnosis as having a personality disorder. Please go to your doctors. :sadnod:

There is medication and therapy available, if you are willing.

I understand what you are going through though, I do.

Thank you. I'm unsure whether to go to the doctors as I don't want to be misunderstood or wrongly diagnosed - this is all really confusing for me, being in such a pivotal point in my life and not understanding what I really want.

Reply 4

Airmed

Original post by Anonymous

So has being diagnosed negatively affected you? Do you feel as though the diagnosis was accurate, considering yourself now? You seem to imply that being defined as bipolar is a thorn in your side. Do you have to take any medication?
Sorry for the questions, I'm just trying to understand the possibilities. I really appreciate the response.

Thank you. I'm unsure whether to go to the doctors as I don't want to be misunderstood or wrongly diagnosed - this is all really confusing for me, being in such a pivotal point in my life and not understanding what I really want.

I've been wrongly diagnosed twice. I completely understand.

Reply 5

Ciel.

Original post by Anonymous

So has being diagnosed negatively affected you? Do you feel as though the diagnosis was accurate, considering yourself now? You seem to imply that being defined as bipolar is a thorn in your side. Do you have to take any medication?
Sorry for the questions, I'm just trying to understand the possibilities. I really appreciate the response.

Thank you. I'm unsure whether to go to the doctors as I don't want to be misunderstood or wrongly diagnosed - this is all really confusing for me, being in such a pivotal point in my life and not understanding what I really want.

It's fine, I don't mind. The diagnosis was completely inaccurate, in my opinion. I didn't want their 'mood stabilisers'. Although I do understand that they are necessary for some people, that stuff is poison. The side effects are insane, in most of them. So I've decided not to see them (psychiatrists, gps etc.) about things again, ever. Not to mention, it's annoying when your loved ones blindly trust them, too. Convincing my partner that the diagnosis was utter bull took me way longer than it should have. If people know about your diagnosis, they can use it against you at any time in court (divorce, child custody, anything, even with accident and personal injury cases). Oh, I've also tried antidepressants once. End result? Almost ended up on a psych ward.

Reply 6

Original post by Ciel.

It's fine, I don't mind. The diagnosis was completely inaccurate, in my opinion. I didn't want their 'mood stabilisers'. Although I do understand that they are necessary for some people, that stuff is poison. The side effects are insane, in most of them. So I've decided not to see them (psychiatrists, gps etc.) about things again, ever. Not to mention, it's annoying when your loved ones blindly trust them, too. Convincing my partner that the diagnosis was utter bull took me way longer than it should have. If people know about your diagnosis, they can use it against you at any time in court (divorce, child custody, anything, even with accident and personal injury cases). Oh, I've also tried antidepressants once. End result? Almost ended up on a psych ward.

Did they say you were hypo manic or manic when you were on anti depressants by any chance?

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Reply 7

Original post by Anonymous

Hi,

Over the past year I've been struggling with depression. The issue is, when I want to go to the doctor, I start to feel fine for a few weeks - even feel amazing about life and love everything.
Suddenly this stops, and I hate everything and am plunged back in to depression - I practically go from full optimistic to total pessimist, and its ruining my life. Suddenly I want to climb mountains and other times I've been very close to suicide - oddly enough, I've become aware of the cycle and know I will feel better soon; I genuinely have no control over it.
I didn't manage to focus in my A-Level exams and probably completely underachieved for the second half. I don't feel I can tell my parents because I know they'll just shrug it off, say its a phase, or ask how I feel in a few days. They always like to delay things, and I know I cant convince the doctor I'm feeling depressed when I'm in my happy state, and often at this time I shrug it off myself.

Is this regular? Or something other than depression, like a personality disorder?

Is it too late to go to the doctors and ask for the special circumstances allowance for my exams? Can any medicine really help disorders like this?
I'm also really scared about how being defined as depressed will affect me and those around me.

Thank you for your time, and I'm sorry for being a bit sporadic.

Firstly, personality disorders are complex. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion, if you developed additional difficulties later on it could be explored but it has to be done by an appropriately qualified person, and a GP is not usually suitable for this.

What does your depression look like to you? It may be worth jotting down your symptoms and telling your GP - even though they may not see it you can explain your moods fluctuate a lot. It may be too late for your exams, especially as the dr did not see you during it, however, it will be good for your general well being.

Medication can help depression, but what can help just as much, if not more, is therapy and counselling. CBT is very effective for depression. Your GP should be able to refer you to this.

Being diagnosed with depression is very unlikely to affect you in your life. No one has automatic access to your NHS records except those who treat you. Getting support now is much better than leaving it from fear of something bad happening and then becoming much more unwell.

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Reply 8

Ciel.

Original post by bullettheory

Did they say you were hypo manic or manic when you were on anti depressants by any chance?

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Yep. 'Manic'. And I wasn't, it was just a very bad reaction. Anyway, if I remember correctly I was already labelled bipolar even before that happened. I got antidepressants from a private GP, because the psychiatrist refused to prescribe them.

Reply 9

oversizedcarrot

8

Original post by Anonymous

Hi,

Over the past year I've been struggling with depression. The issue is, when I want to go to the doctor, I start to feel fine for a few weeks - even feel amazing about life and love everything.
Suddenly this stops, and I hate everything and am plunged back in to depression - I practically go from full optimistic to total pessimist, and its ruining my life. Suddenly I want to climb mountains and other times I've been very close to suicide - oddly enough, I've become aware of the cycle and know I will feel better soon; I genuinely have no control over it.
I didn't manage to focus in my A-Level exams and probably completely underachieved for the second half. I don't feel I can tell my parents because I know they'll just shrug it off, say its a phase, or ask how I feel in a few days. They always like to delay things, and I know I cant convince the doctor I'm feeling depressed when I'm in my happy state, and often at this time I shrug it off myself.

Is this regular? Or something other than depression, like a personality disorder?

Is it too late to go to the doctors and ask for the special circumstances allowance for my exams? Can any medicine really help disorders like this?
I'm also really scared about how being defined as depressed will affect me and those around me.

Thank you for your time, and I'm sorry for being a bit sporadic.

It might not be a psychiatric conditions. Rule out the first in a logical manner:1. Diet: Is your calorific content sufficient and varied enough? If you are picky about food then find what you like and put it on an app to show people you can actually cook and eat decent food.2. STI: There are so many bacterial infections, fungal infections and parasites that can cause psychiatric conditions. Especially if you have a problem with your gut microbiome. This is especially prevalent in young people that are inexperienced in the area and older people that are a bit ignorant.3. Hygiene: How clean is your house and room. It should be orderly and not have damp or green plantlike growth under the sink etc. If it is dirty, clean one room at a time to avoid being labelled manic in a calm and peaceful manner. Vacuum once every 5 days and check any sinks or under the couch is a good one. You will very often find damp or fungal growth there. Sinks that are not bleached every now and again can release bacterial odours. It's not about being spotless it's about checking for anything that could be super toxic. Ask a parent or friend or research online before pouring chemicals down drains.4. Exercise: Between the ages of 16-25 your body undergoes a tremendous amount of change whether you are male or female. As a result there is consistent hormonal changes and changes to your metabolism. You could find that the depression is a by-product of not exercising enough.5. Social Factors: It is very common to be a victim of peer pressure or neglect without even realising it - including from your family or friends. Yes banter is healthy and learning how to take a negative comment and turn it around in your favour is why that is good for you. Rather than thinking about what annoys you find clear cut things that are wrong about how you are being treated: is there an obvious line being crossed?E.g. If somebody keeps pushing you or purposely does something that is out of order bring it up on the day or the day after with a mate or somebody you trust.Otherwise "Go on then go on then, that's my slogan".

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

Personality disorders don't wax and wane like that. Sounds like a recurrent brief depression. Have you ever been tested for bipolar disorder? I know you haven't mentioned clear-cut mania/hypomania but such an abrupt pattern of off-and-on depressions is much more likely in bipolar disorder.

Reply 11

Original post by Anonymous

Personality disorders don't wax and wane like that. Sounds like a recurrent brief depression. Have you ever been tested for bipolar disorder? I know you haven't mentioned clear-cut mania/hypomania but such an abrupt pattern of off-and-on depressions is much more likely in bipolar disorder.

Personally I would say the type of mood swings they have described is not linked to bipolar as there is no mania. Personality disorders can feature similar mood swings to what the OP has described.

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Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

Hi guys, just a little update. I've been trying what oversizedcarrot suggested and trying to make some lifestyle changes. I've been eating healthier and doing a little more excercise and it is working for me right now, but I can't say whether it's changed anything at this moment in time. It seems to seem as though the depression is becoming much more constant, as I haven't experienced much happiness in the past few days (nor crippling depression, just steady); though that could happen at any point and I can't deduce anything yet.

Original post by bullettheory

Firstly, personality disorders are complex. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion, if you developed additional difficulties later on it could be explored but it has to be done by an appropriately qualified person, and a GP is not usually suitable for this.

What does your depression look like to you? It may be worth jotting down your symptoms and telling your GP - even though they may not see it you can explain your moods fluctuate a lot. It may be too late for your exams, especially as the dr did not see you during it, however, it will be good for your general well being.

Medication can help depression, but what can help just as much, if not more, is therapy and counselling. CBT is very effective for depression. Your GP should be able to refer you to this.

Being diagnosed with depression is very unlikely to affect you in your life. No one has automatic access to your NHS records except those who treat you. Getting support now is much better than leaving it from fear of something bad happening and then becoming much more unwell.

I think my depression isnt just something that came out of nothing. I feel it's my satisfaction with myself and a struggle to define myself to myself... If that makes sense. I kind of feel like my mind is separate from my physical being and I'm just a spectator, and ultimately this makes me feel powerless. This probably all sounds ridiculous but I don't feel as though anything is 'real'. This is amongst personal issues with friends / family and other events currently happening, but these things are still fixable by time so I won't go into detail.

Are you sure it won't affect my life? I fear people will talk down to me, or important people in my life will get offended that I'm not satisfied with them. Like another poster said, I don't want it to be used against me.
Have you experienced therapy or the medication (or diagnosis)? Any and all details would be appreciated.

Again I'd like to thank all posters for being willing to discuss and share... I never expected such of a response and it helps me feel much better than I ever anticipated, and help understand what is going on.

Reply 13

Anonymous #2

Original post by bullettheory

Personally I would say the type of mood swings they have described is not linked to bipolar as there is no mania. Personality disorders can feature similar mood swings to what the OP has described.

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I did cover all that in my post. Hypo/mania may be the principal distinguisherbetween depression and bipolar disorder but that doesn’t mean there aren’tsubtle differences in the course of the illness that may reveal the polarity ofthe depression. It’s well-known in the psychiatric community that depressive episodes in bipolar disorder are more likely to have an abrupt onset and offset and last for shorter periods of time relative to “regular” depressions.

The only personality disorder to mind that’s notable is borderline and the OP’smentioned nothing that would make me think of it (pervasive emptiness andextreme fear of abandonment, impulsivity, idealization and devaluation, etc.).

Reply 14