Dreading going on holiday with strict muslim father
I'm nearly 22, girl (live away from home). We are going to a nice small town/mountainy location in the uk for a few days but i'm dreading going because I know my father will try to force me to cover up and wear long sleeved shirts/trousers and no form fitting clothes. It's ****ing boiling.
Last time we went on holiday in the summer, before we were about to leave the house he saw what I was wearing ( full sleeved t-shirt and trousers, with a sheer baggy long top up to my knees on top) and fully raged at me because you could see my more form fitting clothes underneath the sheer top. Literally he started swearing at me and calling me names in front of the rest of the family and I was in tears (I was 20 then) and i didn't want to go but eventually agreed. That trip was a disaster because he kept being really mean and passive aggressive throughout the entire trip and I just wanted to escape. My parents also have huge rows but thats another story.
He keeps saying how he likes having all his children there with him on holiday and how he doesn't want to go if I'm not there blah blah but tbh i think he conveniently forgets how he treats me on these trips. Feel a bit guilty since he has already booked and it feels like I dont have a choice not to go since he says he doesn't want to take everyone if I'm not going
I vowed to never go on holiday with them again where i couldn't escape, I have a feeling though that this trip will be no different and he'll get really angry if I'm not fully covered in the sweltering heat. We'll be hours away from home so i can't escape either.
Advice?
Last time we went on holiday in the summer, before we were about to leave the house he saw what I was wearing ( full sleeved t-shirt and trousers, with a sheer baggy long top up to my knees on top) and fully raged at me because you could see my more form fitting clothes underneath the sheer top. Literally he started swearing at me and calling me names in front of the rest of the family and I was in tears (I was 20 then) and i didn't want to go but eventually agreed. That trip was a disaster because he kept being really mean and passive aggressive throughout the entire trip and I just wanted to escape. My parents also have huge rows but thats another story.
He keeps saying how he likes having all his children there with him on holiday and how he doesn't want to go if I'm not there blah blah but tbh i think he conveniently forgets how he treats me on these trips. Feel a bit guilty since he has already booked and it feels like I dont have a choice not to go since he says he doesn't want to take everyone if I'm not going
I vowed to never go on holiday with them again where i couldn't escape, I have a feeling though that this trip will be no different and he'll get really angry if I'm not fully covered in the sweltering heat. We'll be hours away from home so i can't escape either.
Advice?
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Damn, that sucks.
While you probably won't be able to do anything about your father being a strict muslim and the dress code he imposes on you. But have you tried talking to him about the way he talks to you? Maybe bring up the fact you're 22 and would like to not spend the entire holiday with him.
While you probably won't be able to do anything about your father being a strict muslim and the dress code he imposes on you. But have you tried talking to him about the way he talks to you? Maybe bring up the fact you're 22 and would like to not spend the entire holiday with him.
Original post by 34908seikj
Damn, that sucks.
While you probably won't be able to do anything about your father being a strict muslim and the dress code he imposes on you. But have you tried talking to him about the way he talks to you? Maybe bring up the fact you're 22 and would like to not spend the entire holiday with him.
While you probably won't be able to do anything about your father being a strict muslim and the dress code he imposes on you. But have you tried talking to him about the way he talks to you? Maybe bring up the fact you're 22 and would like to not spend the entire holiday with him.
when I do try to bring it up he laughs it off as him just being a 'parent' and that 'of course parents are going to tell you off'. It was as if I was asking him for bags of sweeties, not for him to stop raging at me. But he doesn't just tell me off in a calm but firm manner, he literally loses his ****. And no i haven't tried to bring it up again because he will just get angry. It doesn't get through to him that his actions really hurt me, or more likely he just doesn't care as long as he gets his own way.
You can find modest clothing which still looks good and has a thin material so you won't boil in them.
Maxi dresses are pretty, short full sleeve cardigan on top and you're done.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Maxi dresses are pretty, short full sleeve cardigan on top and you're done.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by helpmeplss
when I do try to bring it up he laughs it off as him just being a 'parent' and that 'of course parents are going to tell you off'. It was as if I was asking him for bags of sweeties, not for him to stop raging at me. But he doesn't just tell me off in a calm but firm manner, he literally loses his ****. And no i haven't tried to bring it up again because he will just get angry. It doesn't get through to him that his actions really hurt me, or more likely he just doesn't care as long as he gets his own way.
Is your mother in the picture? I can't really relate to you but I did have an overprotective mother. I ended up siting down with my father and sort of had a 'real talk' where I just said I was fed up with him supporting her all the time and asked him if he could speak to her, so she'd loosen up a little. Fortunately she did. Maybe you could try and do the same but with your mother?
Like I said, I can't really relate nor give you much helpful advice on the subject of religious parents. I hope it works out for you in the end though.
Spoiler
Original post by HAnwar
You can find modest clothing which still looks good and has a thin material so you won't boil in them.
Maxi dresses are pretty, short full sleeve cardigan on top and you're done.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Maxi dresses are pretty, short full sleeve cardigan on top and you're done.
Posted from TSR Mobile
A cardigan in this heat, are you mad?
Original post by HAnwar
You can find modest clothing which still looks good and has a thin material so you won't boil in them.
Maxi dresses are pretty, short full sleeve cardigan on top and you're done.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Maxi dresses are pretty, short full sleeve cardigan on top and you're done.
Posted from TSR Mobile
cardigan? in 30 degrees centigrade are you mad?
I dont think he'll approve of any clothing that looks 'good' (and thus pleasing to the eye, despite being modest). It need to be drab and baggy/shapeless clothing in dark colours preferably, nothing bright or patterned
Original post by 34908seikj
A cardigan in this heat, are you mad?
exactly what i said! he's probably male so never had to go through this rubbish
Original post by 34908seikj
A cardigan in this heat, are you mad?
A really thin cardigan won't make a difference. It's her best option if she wants to enjoy her trip.
Original post by 34908seikj
Is your mother in the picture? I can't really relate to you but I did have an overprotective mother. I ended up siting down with my father and sort of had a 'real talk' where I just said I was fed up with him supporting her all the time and asked him if he could speak to her, so she'd loosen up a little. Fortunately she did. Maybe you could try and do the same but with your mother?
Like I said, I can't really relate nor give you much helpful advice on the subject of religious parents. I hope it works out for you in the end though.
Like I said, I can't really relate nor give you much helpful advice on the subject of religious parents. I hope it works out for you in the end though.
Spoiler
yeah she is, she's much more easygoing but he will never accept anything she says and just claims that she's encouraging me to act shameless :/
If you're dreading the trip then don't go. Pretend to be ill or something.
If you're definitely going then, as others have stated, wear a maxi dress or an abaya that isn't black. There are some nice abayas these days but be careful with the material as they can be quite uncomfortable when it's hot.
If you're definitely going then, as others have stated, wear a maxi dress or an abaya that isn't black. There are some nice abayas these days but be careful with the material as they can be quite uncomfortable when it's hot.
Original post by 34908seikj
A cardigan in this heat, are you mad?
You can get thin cardigans you know, it isn't hard.
Original post by helpmeplss
cardigan? in 30 degrees centigrade are you mad?
I dont think he'll approve of any clothing that looks 'good' (and thus pleasing to the eye, despite being modest). It need to be drab and baggy/shapeless clothing in dark colours preferably, nothing bright or patterned
I dont think he'll approve of any clothing that looks 'good' (and thus pleasing to the eye, despite being modest). It need to be drab and baggy/shapeless clothing in dark colours preferably, nothing bright or patterned
Read what I said above.
If you don't like that suggestion then just wear a thin top (which is not see through at the same time).
And your comment below was quite rude. I was trying to help you enjoy your holiday by giving you suggestions.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Legendary Quest
A really thin cardigan won't make a difference. It's her best option if she wants to enjoy her trip.
The thing with thin materials is that it drapes over your body especially if you are slim. it won't look shapeless/baggy, which is what my father will only accept. anything that looks pleasing to the eye, even if completely modest is not acceptable to him (including bright colors/patterns)
Im not going to enjoy it if i feel like ****, no doubt he'll find something to criticise, id just rather not go and spend time with friends doing what i want.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries boundaries boundaries. Basically, this needs to be an exercise in teaching him that if he behaves unpleasantly towards you, he won't get to spend time with you. So, if he starts swearing at you and calling you names, say "You are swearing at me and calling me names. Please stop, or I will end this conversation." He probably won't stop, at which point you leave the room. Rinse and repeat as necessary until it sticks. It will be really, really awkward (as it should be, because he is behaving in a way that makes it awkward). Other family members will probably be shocked and tell you you're being disrespectful and/or that he's just like that, and you should just go along with it for a quiet life. Tell them that's interesting and you'll think about it. Then carry on stating and enforcing your boundaries. Eventually, he'll get the point.
In order to make this work, you need to be ready, able and prepared to leave the room, or the building, or if necessary the holiday, so you may want to have some contingency plans regarding e.g. transport. You're in quite a good position here, because you don't live at home and therefore I'm assuming you aren't dependant on your parents anymore? So, just leaving is an option.
Captain Awkward is a great resource for this sort of boundary-setting and enforcing. Take a look through the archives for situations similar to yours, and you'll probably find lots of ideas. Good luck!
In order to make this work, you need to be ready, able and prepared to leave the room, or the building, or if necessary the holiday, so you may want to have some contingency plans regarding e.g. transport. You're in quite a good position here, because you don't live at home and therefore I'm assuming you aren't dependant on your parents anymore? So, just leaving is an option.
Captain Awkward is a great resource for this sort of boundary-setting and enforcing. Take a look through the archives for situations similar to yours, and you'll probably find lots of ideas. Good luck!
You have loads of people behind you here. If he tries to have a go at you because you want to wear what you want, he'll have to post it. Then we'll see what happens!!!
Original post by HAnwar
Read what I said above.
If you don't like that suggestion then just wear a thin top (which is not see through at the same time).
And your comment below was quite rude. I was trying to help you enjoy your holiday by giving you suggestions.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Read what I said above.
If you don't like that suggestion then just wear a thin top (which is not see through at the same time).
And your comment below was quite rude. I was trying to help you enjoy your holiday by giving you suggestions.
Posted from TSR Mobile
thanks, for your comment. I apologise. I made a comment below about thin materials and why he won't accept them (I've tried before but somehow he still thinks it's immodest even if I've met the modest criteria, like he literally doesn't even stick to his word). the only acceptable thing to him would be structured baggy clothing that won't give me a silhouette, which will kill me in this heat
Original post by helpmeplss
The thing with thin materials is that it drapes over your body especially if you are slim. it won't look shapeless/baggy, which is what my father will only accept. anything that looks pleasing to the eye, even if completely modest is not acceptable to him (including bright colors/patterns)
Im not going to enjoy it if i feel like ****, no doubt he'll find something to criticise, id just rather not go and spend time with friends doing what i want.
Im not going to enjoy it if i feel like ****, no doubt he'll find something to criticise, id just rather not go and spend time with friends doing what i want.
Original post by 34908seikj
Is your mother in the picture? I can't really relate to you but I did have an overprotective mother. I ended up siting down with my father and sort of had a 'real talk' where I just said I was fed up with him supporting her all the time and asked him if he could speak to her, so she'd loosen up a little. Fortunately she did. Maybe you could try and do the same but with your mother?
Like I said, I can't really relate nor give you much helpful advice on the subject of religious parents. I hope it works out for you in the end though.
Like I said, I can't really relate nor give you much helpful advice on the subject of religious parents. I hope it works out for you in the end though.
Spoiler
ah yes, it sucks. You must be muslim right? Well just tell your dad its your choice what to wear not his, if he doesnt listen and is still a dickhead then don't go on the holiday, it doesnt matter whether he booked it or not. Would you rather put yourself in discomfort and go on a holiday which you wont even enjoy? or try to be polite and force yourself do something you're not comfortable with.Its your choice, i'm muslim too but my parents dont choose what i wear.
If you're going through all this stress before the holiday, then imagine what's going to happen to you when you're actually there. Just don't go.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Persipan
Boundaries boundaries boundaries boundaries boundaries. Basically, this needs to be an exercise in teaching him that if he behaves unpleasantly towards you, he won't get to spend time with you. So, if he starts swearing at you and calling you names, say "You are swearing at me and calling me names. Please stop, or I will end this conversation." He probably won't stop, at which point you leave the room. Rinse and repeat as necessary until it sticks. It will be really, really awkward (as it should be, because he is behaving in a way that makes it awkward). Other family members will probably be shocked and tell you you're being disrespectful and/or that he's just like that, and you should just go along with it for a quiet life. Tell them that's interesting and you'll think about it. Then carry on stating and enforcing your boundaries. Eventually, he'll get the point.
In order to make this work, you need to be ready, able and prepared to leave the room, or the building, or if necessary the holiday, so you may want to have some contingency plans regarding e.g. transport. You're in quite a good position here, because you don't live at home and therefore I'm assuming you aren't dependant on your parents anymore? So, just leaving is an option.
Captain Awkward is a great resource for this sort of boundary-setting and enforcing. Take a look through the archives for situations similar to yours, and you'll probably find lots of ideas. Good luck!
In order to make this work, you need to be ready, able and prepared to leave the room, or the building, or if necessary the holiday, so you may want to have some contingency plans regarding e.g. transport. You're in quite a good position here, because you don't live at home and therefore I'm assuming you aren't dependant on your parents anymore? So, just leaving is an option.
Captain Awkward is a great resource for this sort of boundary-setting and enforcing. Take a look through the archives for situations similar to yours, and you'll probably find lots of ideas. Good luck!
Thank you for this post. It really sucks that I have to go through this rubbish just for a holiday which should be a time to relax. Like I'm always hyper alert and end up feeling drained after spending time with both parents, i hardly visit home for this reason. I'd honestly just rather hang out with friends and do/wear what I want. There were even some events going on in that week that I wanted to go to but will have to miss because of this :/
Original post by helpmeplss
The thing with thin materials is that it drapes over your body especially if you are slim. it won't look shapeless/baggy, which is what my father will only accept. anything that looks pleasing to the eye, even if completely modest is not acceptable to him (including bright colors/patterns)
Im not going to enjoy it if i feel like ****, no doubt he'll find something to criticise, id just rather not go and spend time with friends doing what i want.
Im not going to enjoy it if i feel like ****, no doubt he'll find something to criticise, id just rather not go and spend time with friends doing what i want.
Then don't go.
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