Dreading going on holiday with strict muslim father

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thanks, for your comment. I apologise. I made a comment below about thin materials and why he won't accept them (I've tried before but somehow he still thinks it's immodest even if I've met the modest criteria, like he literally doesn't even stick to his word). the only acceptable thing to him would be structured baggy clothing that won't give me a silhouette, which will kill me in this heat

No worries and it's fine.

What about a nice patterned black abaya? They're so comfortable and loose they shouldn't be a problem.

Can I ask what your mum wears?

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Reply 21

helpmeplss

Original post by TheUnknownDude

If you're going through all this stress before the holiday, then imagine what's going to happen to you when you're actually there. Just don't go.

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Exactly what I was thinking. After the way he lost his **** at me last year before the holiday (and continuously through the holiday, like a petulant child) I vowed to never go on another holiday with him again. Even visiting home is a task for more than a few days, since he'll find things to criticise or have a blazing row with my mother, and the thought of spending a week in the same confined space with him/them (especially the 6 hour drive) makes me very uncomfortable.

Every time i agree to do something with them, I remember just how bad of an idea it is, but brush my discomfort under the carpet, only to realise that yet again I was stupid enough to think that he'd changed and was going to treat me better :rolleyes:

Reply 22

iThrow

Original post by Persipan

Boundaries boundaries boundaries boundaries boundaries. Basically, this needs to be an exercise in teaching him that if he behaves unpleasantly towards you, he won't get to spend time with you

Has to be something along these lines. Basically though he's a bully - probably not a nice thing to think about your dad but he is. You think he would go up to a 6'0 bodybuilder who was absolutely ripped to shreds and get in his face and shout? I'm assuming no. No, his preferred choice of target is young women, his darling children no less. If I was in your shoes I'd tell him where to go jump off, but I'm not you :biggrin:

Reply 23

helpmeplss

Original post by HAnwar

No worries and it's fine.

What about a nice patterned black abaya? They're so comfortable and loose they shouldn't be a problem.

Can I ask what your mum wears?

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She wars like a long shalwar top, with trousers (my dad criticise her for wearing trousers) with a autumn trench coat on top, and constantly complains about how my dad makes her wear this stuff even in the summer :/

Reply 24

helpmeplss

Original post by HAnwar

No worries and it's fine.

What about a nice patterned black abaya? They're so comfortable and loose they shouldn't be a problem.

Can I ask what your mum wears?

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Also i forgot to add if I ever wore an abaya he would from that moment on expect me to wear an abaya every where we went. With him its a pushing the line kind of thing, like he sees that I'm willing to wear the abaya, so why not all the time, why not a full niqaab, why not marry the cousin I want you to etc. Like it gives him more ammo to push for more stricter stuff.

As you can probably tell, he's not the mist understanding/nicest person in the world :/ I'm his daughter ffs, I am more than willing to compromise (which I have done many times for him) but he will not meet me half way or even quarter way. anything less that what he wants and I'm a shameless haraami , he'd rather I cry than compromise a little :rolleyes:

Reply 25

helpmeplss

Original post by iThrow

he is a bully no doubt, his guilt trips seem to be working (i.e. 'i dont want to go on holiday with the others if all my kids aren't with me' :rolleyes:

like dad, you were the one who wished I had pissed off last time )

Reply 26

34908seikj

Original post by helpmeplss

he is a bully no doubt, his guilt trips seem to be working (i.e. 'i dont want to go on holiday with the others if all my kids aren't with me' :rolleyes:

like dad, you were the one who wished I had pissed off last time )

Call his bluff and don't go. **** him.

Reply 27

moment of truth

Don't go. You are an adult and if you know you won't enjoy it then don't put yourself through it. :hugs:

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Reply 28

HAnwar

Original post by helpmeplss

Hmm I see.

Are you Asian? Asian parents don't compromise at all lol

At the end of the day he can't force you to wear anything, but you have to understand where he's coming from because it's his responsibility as a father to bring you up as a Muslim who follows the teachings of Islam, and dressing modestly is one of them (I'm not saying you wear immodest clothing).

Just put up with it now because that's all you can do I'm afraid, but I'm sure it'll be better when you're married. Your husband won't be as demanding I hope.

Whatever he says, don't let it get to you.

I'm also going on holiday soon, and I'm taking a couple of abayas for the trip. It's much easier putting on an abaya then trying to put a whole outfit together lol
If you do find nice modest clothing, then go for it and enjoy your holiday.

Good luck with whatever you decide :smile:

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Reply 29

username1842595

Wear lawn Shalwar Kameez. Its really thin material.

Wear long sleeved maxi dresses?

Theres not many options for you here tbh. What does he expect you to wear, a bag? All clothes have patterns on them or some sort of colour. You're 22, you can stand your ground. Either dont go or go and wear what you want (within modesty of course)

Im just glad my parents arent like this.

Reply 30

theBranicAc

this is why im not muslim

Reply 31

iThrow

Original post by HAnwar

but you have to understand where he's coming from because it's his responsibility as a father to bring you up as a Muslim who follows the teachings of Islam

Very much nope. This is how **** like this gets out of control when people try to rationalize it as 'aww he's just trying to be a good dad!'

And anyway, that's just his interpretation of islam. I've seen plenty of muslim girls who wear "western dress" (easiest way of saying it) so clearly others interpret it different.

He is very much being out of order. It's one thing to disapprove but quite another to shout and swear and honestly speaks to the man's emotional immaturity.

Reply 32

mrahim

go with your dad, dress modestly and have a good time. the fashion police will not arrest you :colonhash:

Reply 33

HAnwar

Original post by iThrow

Just because you've seen Muslim women dressing in a 'Western' way (when saying Western I'm assuming you mean inappropriately), that doesn't suddenly make it permissible.
Not only is their interpretation different, it's also wrong, because the rulings of what a woman should wear is laid down clearly.

Yes I do believe he could have handled the situation better.

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Reply 34

iThrow

Original post by HAnwar

I'm sure you'd consider it innapropriate but I meant things like shorts and a t-shirt in the summer. They'd probably say your interpretation was wrong. For example, lots of moderate muslims downplay some of the more brutal parts of the quran and state that it is no longer relevant today. Well how do you know that the clothing bits are still relevant. I assume you pick and choose the bits you like from the quran, right? I assume you don't go along with the ultra crazy parts where it's okay to marry 9-year old girls?

Reply 35

karl pilkington

hi how come you live away from home are you at uni also how much do you think him controlling you has to do with islam and how much because he just likes controlling you

Reply 36

HAnwar

Original post by iThrow

I don't make my own interpretation and nor should other common people as we are just laymen.
This is why we have scholars in Islam to stop any other person from putting their own interpretation across.
From the scholars who have addressed this issue not one has said Muslim women can wear t shirts and shorts.
It's also crystal clear in the Quran how both men and women should dress modestly, so essentially those Muslims are just covering their eyes and ears because they are scared of the truth and don't want to believe it.

It was ten times hotter back then and women still managed to dress modestly. So these Muslims and your argument has failed.

Anyways this wasn't meant to turn into a religious debate so I'll stop here.
Enjoy your day.

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Reply 37

iThrow

Original post by HAnwar

This is why we have scholars in Islam to stop any other person from putting their own interpretation across

And which particular islamic scholars would you be referencing? As far as I'm aware there's a whole bunch of people out there pertaining to be islamic scholars and they all disagree with each other.

Reply 38

Rorschach II

Say quite bluntly that you won't spend time with him if he doesn't stop his criticism, then enforce the rule when he brings it up. Boycott time with him every time he does that. Say you're an adult, and you get to choose how you want to dress.

Reply 39

kittien9

There are lots of things you can wear to still be modest in this heat and personaly i would try at least to be more modest than i usually am if for the sake of making him happy and not causing problems. I dont think this would help you tho cos he sounds like someone with anger issues and control issues, i would recommend screaming right back at him and not letting him get away with his attitude, go armed with hadith and ask him if his local imam would approve of his behaviour or if the prophet (saw) would approve of his behaviour. If worst comes to worst you should just leave the place and go home if it becomes unbearable, honestly you're independant if you stay in such abusive situations blame yourself because theres no point.