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An old family feud is causing problems again

About 15 years ago my uncle basically abandoned my cousin when he married his new wife, my cousin was about 12 at the time and since that day I haven't seen her since. In them 15 years since my dad and my uncle have fallen out and we haven't spoken to my uncle or his family for about 10 years now and to be honest we don't want to. However, my nan still talks to my uncle and she sees him about 10 days out of the whole year even though he only lives less than 2 hours away from her. In my nans eyes my uncle can do no wrong which really annoys us as he refuses to help my nan with anything if she ever has a problem it is always us who helps her.

Anyway over the weekend my cousin who I haven't spoken to for 15 years found me and my sisters on Facebook and messaged us all saying that she would like to get back in touch with us and meet up. We where thrilled by this as we where all close growing up and we do miss her so we have decided to meet up. We decided to tell my nan that our cousin (her granddaughter) has messaged us and we suggested that my nan meets up with her too but she just went totally against the idea and said she wont meet her and wont be happy if we do meet up with her.

This conversation brought up the whole old argument about how my uncle abandoned my cousin and he no longer wishes to speak to us and it ended up with my nan telling us to get out of her house.

What should we do? I want to meet my cousin again but I know it would make my nan unhappy.
If your nan is upset with your cousin that is her problem, not yours. Why should you sacrifice the start of a fresh relationship with your cousin because one member of your family thinks that it is not okay. I think that it is wonderful that your cousin have spoken to you and this could be something that will end the feud. Your decision to meet up with her is your business only, don't involve your nan, the less she knows the better she sleeps. At the end of the day you are all a family and you don't know if some day you will need each other because life is a crazy rollercoaster. Hope it works out!
Reply 2
Original post by cats_and_music
If your nan is upset with your cousin that is her problem, not yours. Why should you sacrifice the start of a fresh relationship with your cousin because one member of your family thinks that it is not okay. I think that it is wonderful that your cousin have spoken to you and this could be something that will end the feud. Your decision to meet up with her is your business only, don't involve your nan, the less she knows the better she sleeps. At the end of the day you are all a family and you don't know if some day you will need each other because life is a crazy rollercoaster. Hope it works out!


Thanks for the advice. I just want to make it clear that I have never had a feud with my cousin I have a feud with my uncle and his wife. I am planning on messaging my cousin tonight and arranging to meet up I think I will tell my nan I have arranged it and suggest she meets with my cousin too. If she doesn't want to see her that's fine I just wont bother to tell her when I am meeting up with my cousin.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for the advice. I just want to make it clear that I have never had a feud with my cousin I have a feud with my uncle and his wife. I am planning on messaging my cousin tonight and arranging to meet up I think I will tell my nan I have arranged it and suggest she meets with my cousin too. If she doesn't want to see her that's fine I just wont bother to tell her when I am meeting up with my cousin.


If your nan is gonna cause a problem then plain ass don't include or tell her. Sure, it's a nice idea to have a reunion but if she's gonna be an ass about it then that's her loss. Go for it.
Original post by Anonymous
About 15 years ago my uncle basically abandoned my cousin when he married his new wife, my cousin was about 12 at the time and since that day I haven't seen her since. In them 15 years since my dad and my uncle have fallen out and we haven't spoken to my uncle or his family for about 10 years now and to be honest we don't want to. However, my nan still talks to my uncle and she sees him about 10 days out of the whole year even though he only lives less than 2 hours away from her. In my nans eyes my uncle can do no wrong which really annoys us as he refuses to help my nan with anything if she ever has a problem it is always us who helps her.

Anyway over the weekend my cousin who I haven't spoken to for 15 years found me and my sisters on Facebook and messaged us all saying that she would like to get back in touch with us and meet up. We where thrilled by this as we where all close growing up and we do miss her so we have decided to meet up. We decided to tell my nan that our cousin (her granddaughter) has messaged us and we suggested that my nan meets up with her too but she just went totally against the idea and said she wont meet her and wont be happy if we do meet up with her.

This conversation brought up the whole old argument about how my uncle abandoned my cousin and he no longer wishes to speak to us and it ended up with my nan telling us to get out of her house.

What should we do? I want to meet my cousin again but I know it would make my nan unhappy.

I would meet up with her.

My dad left when I was about 12 and he and his family haven't spoken to me since, on his instruction. I'm 18 now and reached out to my cousins recently on Favebook but they pretty much blanked me, which was incredibly hurtful.
Reply 5
Original post by Crystalyne
If your nan is gonna cause a problem then plain ass don't include or tell her. Sure, it's a nice idea to have a reunion but if she's gonna be an ass about it then that's her loss. Go for it.


I think that's what were going to do. My cousin has reached out to us but my nan is not having any of it if she wants to side with her son who abandoned his daughter then fine but that's not going to stop me and my family having a reunion after all these years.
Reply 6
Original post by Platopus
I would meet up with her.

My dad left when I was about 12 and he and his family haven't spoken to me since, on his instruction. I'm 18 now and reached out to my cousins recently on Favebook but they pretty much blanked me, which was incredibly hurtful.


I am going to meet up just because someone isn't happy about it doesn't mean I'm not going to not meet her just because they don't like it. I'm 22 so I'm making my own decisions.
Original post by Anonymous
I am going to meet up just because someone isn't happy about it doesn't mean I'm not going to not meet her just because they don't like it. I'm 22 so I'm making my own decisions.

Then I fully support your decision. You are taking a very mature approach.
Reply 8
Original post by Platopus
Then I fully support your decision. You are taking a very mature approach.


Thank you. It's just a shame my nan isn't being as mature when I was talking to her yesterday about it she was acting like a teenager.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you. It's just a shame my nan isn't being as mature when I was talking to her yesterday about it she was acting like a teenager.

Funny, it's my nan on my dad's side who is most vitriolic towards myself and my mum, too. I think you just have to appreciate that she is older and perhaps quite set in her ways. If she is going to come round, she will do so of her own accord but you can't force it.
Original post by Platopus
Funny, it's my nan on my dad's side who is most vitriolic towards myself and my mum, too. I think you just have to appreciate that she is older and perhaps quite set in her ways. If she is going to come round, she will do so of her own accord but you can't force it.


I don't think it's a case of her setting her ways I think it's more she hasn't seen my cousin for 15 years and in that time my uncle has told my nan how difficult my cousin is and only his side of the story but now she won't listen to my cousin's side of things.
Original post by Anonymous
I don't think it's a case of her setting her ways I think it's more she hasn't seen my cousin for 15 years and in that time my uncle has told my nan how difficult my cousin is and only his side of the story but now she won't listen to my cousin's side of things.

That's how my grandma is too. By set in her ways, I guess I just meant unwilling to change her opinions. Whatever the reason, you can't be responsible for her behaviour besides gentle encouragement. I hope you and your cousin's meeting goes well.
Original post by Platopus
That's how my grandma is too. By set in her ways, I guess I just meant unwilling to change her opinions. Whatever the reason, you can't be responsible for her behaviour besides gentle encouragement. I hope you and your cousin's meeting goes well.


Thank you. I hope it does too regardless of how it may make my nan or uncle feel.
Meet with your cousin but don't tell your nan... What people don't know can't hurt them (if they never find out! :P)

Speaking from experience, you can't shut out half of your family based on a he said she said thing. Your cousin most likely feels really rejected even if she doesn't say it out loud, and your nan probably cares less about the whole situation than your cousin, even if she's more vocal about it.
Original post by 1010marina
Meet with your cousin but don't tell your nan... What people don't know can't hurt them (if they never find out! :P)

Speaking from experience, you can't shut out half of your family based on a he said she said thing. Your cousin most likely feels really rejected even if she doesn't say it out loud, and your nan probably cares less about the whole situation than your cousin, even if she's more vocal about it.


I spoke to my nan about this yesterday and it's clear she's on my uncle's side. As for me I am on my cousins side because going off of past experiences my uncle isn't a nice person. My nan wasn't too happy that I have taken my cousins side but I am an adult and I can make up my own mind. I have arranged to meet my cousin and if my nan doesn't like it then tough.
Sorry to sound disrespectful of your gran here but who cares? If you want to get in touch with your cousin and your cousin has approached you, then I think you have every right to see her again. I'm sure that you're old enough to make that decision.*

The problem that your gran and uncle have with your cousin is their business and not yours.
Original post by DanielleT192
Sorry to sound disrespectful of your gran here but who cares? If you want to get in touch with your cousin and your cousin has approached you, then I think you have every right to see her again. I'm sure that you're old enough to make that decision.*

The problem that your gran and uncle have with your cousin is their business and not yours.


You have hit the nail on the head. It is my nan and my uncle that have the problem with my cousin not me, I always got on with my cousin and I was devastated when I was told when I was a kid that I wouldn't see her anymore. I have decided to meet my cousin but if my nan doesn't like it then tough.

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