Would you take this guy back if he was your ex boyfriend?

A bit long but help appreciated, thanks

He asked out this girl before he met me but she rejected him. I kept finding her at the top of his fb search. I knew he found her really attractive but I didn't think much of it because 99% sure he wasn't messaging her and it's natural to find other ppl attractive. But I kept finding him search for her. One day he asked to see the IG posts I liked so I showed him. I asked to see his. He was reluctant but let me and I found he liked lots of photos of this girl. His phone is in a different language and he lied sayin those pics were from months ago when they were actually a few days ago. I told him it made me uncomfortable. Few weeks/months down the line and it kept happening and causing minor arguments. But as I said he wasnt messaging her and I know he loved me so I brushed it off. He broke up with me lots during the last month of our relationship with stupid excuses, but the last time was just before summer started. Few days into the holidays he asked for me back again and said the real reason he kept breaking it off was because of commitment issues and being cheated on in the past which made sense. I expressed my concern to him about taking him back because of all the stuff he had done in the past and he said he's changed. I considered taking him back but then he dropped a BOMBSHELL. Apparently he always searched for her because when he was bored of porn (and I guess me consequently) he would MASTURBATE to her. He said it was just like watching porn and he has no feelings for her, he just thought she was attractive. I was always lenient and understanding with him but this time he really crossed the line. I told our mutual friends (in hindsight I shouldn't have released such personal details of his life to them but was hurt and needed consoling) and they agreed it was not normal and kinda creepy. When one friend confronted him he backtracked and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore so he said that to put me off him. I call BS because of how he told me/the circumstances which I will not go into, but who knows.

Anyway I just want to know is his behaviour is normal/did I overreact? I don't have any problem with him watching porn and admiring the occasional hot girl on FB or IG, who doesn't? But it's not normal for him to always be searching for the same girl right? But before he dropped that bombshell I admit he was fighting really hard to get me back and I genuinely believe he loves me. So can guys really change for a girl they love? Should I give him one last chance?

P.S. I'm not the jealous/overly possessive type and I don't snoop on his phone. We let eachother use eachothers phone and sometimes I prank his FB or something and come across his searches.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

BTW there is absolutely no chance he was cheating or thinking of cheating as it's against his morals. Plus said girl has a girlfriend, whether she is bi or lesbian thought I'm not sure

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

One week before he last broke up with me he asked during a tarot reading session with a friend if anything was going to happen with this other girl if it didn't work out with me. This infuriated me as well.

He was a good boyfriend otherwise...

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

No, I never get back with exes. I have standards considering my exes have all been cheating, abusive scumbags

Reply 4

Anonymous #3

Loyalty is important in a relationship and no matter how much he tries to cover up there's every evidence that he's cheating on you mentally, if not physically. While it's perhaps normal to have infatuation towards a girl, it's abnormal to be that addicted to a girl when this guy is seeing the other girl. Don't let your emotion overwhelm your rationale. The only reason you started this thread is because you are doubting his allegiance in the relationship and that you are reluctant to let this guy go.

Reply 5

Anonymous #4

No. Sounds very much like he's just keeping you around hoping she'll like him back one day or (at the very best) likes you both. Sounds like he's more interested in her tbh

Reply 6

doodle_333

you clearly broke up for a good reason and I doubt those reasons are going to change if you get back together

Reply 7

ceilele

From what you've said, I think you'd given him enough chances. You were way more accepting of the situation then I would've been- so I don't think you're overreacting. If he'd known you were uncomfortable with it for so long, I don't think he's going to change this time round, or at least not that much. I'm sorry to say this, but it's clear you're second to him. He doesn;t seem as emotionally invested with you (even if the other girl is only for his sexual frustration or whatever- I find it kind of unacceptable and creepy, as it's a girl he clearly wants more). It may not be the definition of cheating but it definatley seems unloyal. I'm sorry.. I wish you the best x

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by ceilele

From what you've said, I think you'd given him enough chances.

I believe that he doesn't have feelings for the other girl but I agree it is unacceptable. I feel like a fool for taking him back so many times when he obviously didn't have the same feelings for me even though he said he loved me. I guess I was hoping someone would tell me I was overreacting so I could give it another try but clearly it's not going to work.

Original post by Pinkberry_y

To put simply no I would not, here's why:

At first I didn't snoop but after stumbling upon it a few times I found it suspicious as I knew he found her attractive and especially when it kept on happening after I told him I didn't like it. I agree trust is key. I don't have trust issues but after all these experiences I do find it hard to trust him (although I 100% trust he would never cheat on me). He did break up with me lots with stupid reasons but eventually told me the "truth" behind his flakiness (his commitment issues) so I was more understanding. Even though I knew his actions are unacceptable, I guess I asked this question hoping someone would tell me change is possible. But I guess if he cared about me enough to change he would have done it already. I just feel so played and confused because he really made me believe he loved me e.g. he bought a plane ticket to see me and try to fix things, wasted countless hours trying to win me back even though he could have just hit up one of his (many) ex FWBs from back home, seemed genuinely sorry about his past actions etc.

Reply 9

SmileyVibe

If I were you, I wouldn't take him back. He sounds nasty, sketchy, and hard to trust. You deserve better. There is a reason why he's the ex-boyfriend. Nothing is normal or appropriate for your ex to fap over the same girl he claims he wants nothing to do with.

If you already given him so many chances you might as well allow him to walk all over you, and not complain when he does the exact thing you tell him not to do or caught him doing again if you decide to be w/ him again.
Why would you want to continue to be in a relationship w/ a guy who lies and breaks up with you multiple times and takes you back afterwards when he wants you back? Hopefully you make the right choice and find a guy who will treat you better.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by SmileyVibe

I think I just made this post because I missed him and wanted permission to allow him back to my life. But all I needed was to be reminded how poorly he treated me and I deserve better. Thank you.