The Student Room Group

Out of an abusive relationship - Am I crazy for feeling this way for my ex-boyfriend?

Background info (for reference only):

- US? My ex boyfriend and I are coursemates at uni and we dated for 5 months.

- ME? I am known for being cheerful and bubbly on my course, but I am also an insecure person.

- HIM? He is known for being really cold, unsociable and only cared about academics (but I was quite attracted by that as I like nerdy guys - never knew that it was to an extent where he'd complain about us not talking about the subject when we are chilling together or during meal times). He needs a lot of validation from his mum and they are constantly texting throughout the day. Will talk more about his relationship with his parents.

-BREAKUP? Broken up for quite a few times, but the most recent and last breakup happened due to the following reason: He was angry at me for making a negative comment about fine dining (i think it's very uptight and i personally don't enjoy it) - he said he was personally offended because he had previously worked for a fine dining restaurant and he personally enjoys fine dining. I would understand that he's upset if he was taking me out for a fine dining meal, but we were just going for chinese that night.

He said that I ruined the night, and was angry enough to tell me to stfu, even when it's the last day before I had to fly home for the summer. When I felt upset about his reaction, he said that I didn't deserve consolation because I asked for that. He was so pissed off at me that he didn't talk to, hug or see me off at the station (as he promised to). He didn't come because I didn't apologise as he demanded me to, as a condition.

Things that he wasn't happy about me:

Problem of space: I really love this guy and I tried extremely hard during our relationship, to improve on things that he wanted me to improve on - he said that we spent too much time together and he wanted to spend time with friends, so I would suggest that he go and meet up with friends and suggested things that we could do to increase the amount of personal space in the future, as I really wanted us to last.

Problem of not letting him pause the argument and storm out and suddenly cease a conversation: He is the kind of person who would suddenly storm out of the room and cease the argument. I really didn't like that and asked if he had to do that (because there's a time when he stormed out, and before he did he said that he would come back to talk, which I then agreed with. He came back, put me on the phone with his mum, who asked him if 'he's done it (got rid of me) - to tell me off and tell me to leave. He packed all of my stuff and threw them out). He said I was disrespecting his personal rights so I stopped asking him to stay to talk. I would just let him storm out and talk again, whenever he wanted to and if he wanted to.

Problems I had with him:

Punching me and saying really nasty things at the heat of the moment and saying that I was too sensitive: Whenever we argued, I would encourage that we sit together and try to speak logically - let our minds speak before our hearts, our emotions. He agreed that it's a good idea because he has a tendency of saying really nasty things at the heated moment (e.g. he's called me childish, naive, a *****; He has also swore a lot at me). There's also a time when he held me up to punch me continuously in the stomach to the point that I felt really sick. He told me to go to the hospital on my own so that they wouldn't suspect him. I was really upset, but he said that it was self defense because I was trying to ask him to hug me when he didn't want to.

Charging me for things that he bought for me: He's bought me some flowers and some chocolates. When he's angry at me, he ate all of the chocolates himself and when we broke up, he asked me to pay him back (a value that is more than the worth of the flowers - 50 pounds for some 20 pounds flowers). Also asked me to pay him back for some flight tickets he booked to come and visit my family in the summer (originally) as he wouldn't go unless it's for that purpose. I didn't pay. He wanted to make a point so he told me that he was binning a book that I got for him, which had a lot of meanings to it, as he can do whatever he wants.

Locking me out -

1) Once he packed all of my stuff and demanded that i leave.
2) Another time when he went home for his mum's birthday celebration, he forgot to give me his keys as he promised to, as my keys were at his place. Originally he said he'd come back by train (as it would only take half an hour to come back), so I went back to the train station, holding bags of frozen ingredients that I bought to cook him a huge meal when he's back. Half an hour later, I called again as he hadn't appeared. My phone was running out of battery, but he told me to go and try and ask the security guards to open my door for me so to save him time. It would take me much more time than he would, and he said he's already in the car. He said that I was making it a big deal and that he would 'ruin his mums birthday surprise if he came back'. He didn't come back in the end, and was angry at me. I had to make up for it.
3) There's a time when we were unhappy with each other and I asked for my keys back so that I could go out at some point, asked him to call and I would open the door for him when he comes back. (we were going to different places) He was angry and threw my keys into my corridor for me to pick up from the floor. Am I a dog or something?? He said if I didn't, then i'd be locked out of the flat. Then he did, and I had to go and talk to the security guards about it. They said its really abusive what he's been doing to me all along.

His parents
1) He texts his mum all day all night and he constantly seeks validation from his mum.
2) She thinks that she has the right to shout at me on the phone as her son wants her to.
3) She texts to tell me not to mess with her son4) She said that I was destroying their holiday when I was studying at uni all alone (as I was taking the 2nd sitting of exams) and only texting her son at night for a bit, just to talk briefly. The worst thing is that he would blame all of it on me. He'd call that a sacrifice.5) His parents say that I don't deserve him. He's only told his dad about some bad stuff that he's done... and complains about me all the time. He said that's because he thought the relationship felt too nice and he needed to involve a third party to judge it??

Another girl - There's this really flirtatious girl who would flirt with every guy, even though she's in a relationship herself. She's calling everyone honey and okay I know that some people do - but I didn't like it so I simply politely texted her, asking if she could stop calling him that pet name. She came to our room to shout at me, saying that she's f***ing someone else not my bf. Saying that I was really insecure and pathetic and etc. I went back into the room feeling really humiliated, only to hear from him that he agreed with her and that he thought I deserved the humiliation and I asked for it. He said he'd stop talking to her as he knew that its upsetting me what he said about her shouting at me, but he resumed their conversation and lied about it. Said that it was just a technical error but was found to be lying. He said I was controlling and jealous.

He had also made a certain promises and ended up breaking all of them, and said that I just had to live with that

Blackmailing: When we broke up, he sent me explicit pictures that he took of me without me knowing when I walked out of the shower in a towel. He threatened to send them around - to my family and friends. I told him that it's illegal and he said 'f*** you'. He also got really furious with me when I refused to have sex with him, he said i was taking his rights away. I was really upset about that as i thought he'd respect me, so i wanted to go for a walk, and he threw my bag on the floor and said 'i hope you don't get raped!'.


He texted me recently saying that he wants to get back together, but I refused to. It was painful to reject him because he said he was all alone when I was gone, he felt so unwanted, isolated and he felt that he could never find someone who loves him as much as I did. When I did reject him, he was furious and swore about my entire family, which he then apologized for..

I am really upset:frown: And so sorry for this long post :frown:
(edited 7 years ago)

Scroll to see replies

Original post by s081013
Background info (for reference only):

- US? My ex boyfriend and I are coursemates at uni and we dated for 5 months.

- ME? I am known for being cheerful and bubbly on my course, but I am also an insecure person.

- HIM? He is known for being really cold, unsociable and only cared about academics (but I was quite attracted by that as I like nerdy guys - never knew that it was to an extent where he'd complain about us not talking about the subject when we are chilling together or during meal times). He needs a lot of validation from his mum and they are constantly texting throughout the day. Will talk more about his relationship with his parents.

-BREAKUP? Broken up for quite a few times, but the most recent and last breakup happened due to the following reason: He was angry at me for making a negative comment about fine dining (i think it's very uptight and i personally don't enjoy it) - he said he was personally offended because he had previously worked for a fine dining restaurant and he personally enjoys fine dining. I would understand that he's upset if he was taking me out for a fine dining meal, but we were just going for chinese that night.

He said that I ruined the night, and was angry enough to tell me to stfu, even when it's the last day before I had to fly home for the summer. When I felt upset about his reaction, he said that I didn't deserve consolation because I asked for that. He was so pissed off at me that he didn't talk to, hug or see me off at the station (as he promised to). He didn't come because I didn't apologise as he demanded me to, as a condition.

Things that he wasn't happy about me:

Problem of space: I really love this guy and I tried extremely hard during our relationship, to improve on things that he wanted me to improve on - he said that we spent too much time together and he wanted to spend time with friends, so I would suggest that he go and meet up with friends and suggested things that we could do to increase the amount of personal space in the future, as I really wanted us to last.

Problem of not letting him pause the argument and storm out and suddenly cease a conversation: He is the kind of person who would suddenly storm out of the room and cease the argument. I really didn't like that and asked if he had to do that (because there's a time when he stormed out, and before he did he said that he would come back to talk, which I then agreed with. He came back, put me on the phone with his mum, who asked him if 'he's done it (got rid of me) - to tell me off and tell me to leave. He packed all of my stuff and threw them out). He said I was disrespecting his personal rights so I stopped asking him to stay to talk. I would just let him storm out and talk again, whenever he wanted to and if he wanted to.

Problems I had with him:

Punching me and saying really nasty things at the heat of the moment and saying that I was too sensitive: Whenever we argued, I would encourage that we sit together and try to speak logically - let our minds speak before our hearts, our emotions. He agreed that it's a good idea because he has a tendency of saying really nasty things at the heated moment (e.g. he's called me childish, naive, a *****; He has also swore a lot at me). There's also a time when he held me up to punch me continuously in the stomach to the point that I felt really sick. He told me to go to the hospital on my own so that they wouldn't suspect him. I was really upset, but he said that it was self defense because I was trying to ask him to hug me when he didn't want to.

Charging me for things that he bought for me: He's bought me some flowers and some chocolates. When he's angry at me, he ate all of the chocolates himself and when we broke up, he asked me to pay him back (a value that is more than the worth of the flowers - 50 pounds for some 20 pounds flowers). Also asked me to pay him back for some flight tickets he booked to come and visit my family in the summer (originally) as he wouldn't go unless it's for that purpose. I didn't pay. He wanted to make a point so he told me that he was binning a book that I got for him, which had a lot of meanings to it, as he can do whatever he wants.

Locking me out -

1) Once he packed all of my stuff and demanded that i leave.
2) Another time when he went home for his mum's birthday celebration, he forgot to give me his keys as he promised to, as my keys were at his place. Originally he said he'd come back by train (as it would only take half an hour to come back), so I went back to the train station, holding bags of frozen ingredients that I bought to cook him a huge meal when he's back. Half an hour later, I called again as he hadn't appeared. My phone was running out of battery, but he told me to go and try and ask the security guards to open my door for me so to save him time. It would take me much more time than he would, and he said he's already in the car. He said that I was making it a big deal and that he would 'ruin his mums birthday surprise if he came back'. He didn't come back in the end, and was angry at me. I had to make up for it.
3) There's a time when we were unhappy with each other and I asked for my keys back so that I could go out at some point, asked him to call and I would open the door for him when he comes back. (we were going to different places) He was angry and threw my keys into my corridor for me to pick up from the floor. Am I a dog or something?? He said if I didn't, then i'd be locked out of the flat. Then he did, and I had to go and talk to the security guards about it. They said its really abusive what he's been doing to me all along.

His parents
1) He texts his mum all day all night and he constantly seeks validation from his mum.
2) She thinks that she has the right to shout at me on the phone as her son wants her to.
3) She texts to tell me not to mess with her son4) She said that I was destroying their holiday when I was studying at uni all alone (as I was taking the 2nd sitting of exams) and only texting her son at night for a bit, just to talk briefly. The worst thing is that he would blame all of it on me. He'd call that a sacrifice.5) His parents say that I don't deserve him. He's only told his dad about some bad stuff that he's done... and complains about me all the time. He said that's because he thought the relationship felt too nice and he needed to involve a third party to judge it??

Another girl - There's this really flirtatious girl who would flirt with every guy, even though she's in a relationship herself. She's calling everyone honey and okay I know that some people do - but I didn't like it so I simply politely texted her, asking if she could stop calling him that pet name. She came to our room to shout at me, saying that she's f***ing someone else not my bf. Saying that I was really insecure and pathetic and etc. I went back into the room feeling really humiliated, only to hear from him that he agreed with her and that he thought I deserved the humiliation and I asked for it. He said he'd stop talking to her as he knew that its upsetting me what he said about her shouting at me, but he resumed their conversation and lied about it. Said that it was just a technical error but was found to be lying. He said I was controlling and jealous.

He had also made a certain promises and ended up breaking all of them, and said that I just had to live with that

Blackmailing: When we broke up, he sent me explicit pictures that he took of me without me knowing when I walked out of the shower in a towel. He threatened to send them around - to my family and friends. I told him that it's illegal and he said 'f*** you'. He also got really furious with me when I refused to have sex with him, he said i was taking his rights away. I was really upset about that as i thought he'd respect me, so i wanted to go for a walk, and he threw my bag on the floor and said 'i hope you don't get raped!'.


He texted me recently saying that he wants to get back together, but I refused to. It was painful to reject him because he said he was all alone when I was gone, he felt so unwanted, isolated and he felt that he could never find someone who loves him as much as I did. When I did reject him, he was furious and swore about my entire family, which he then apologized for..

I am really upset:frown: And so sorry for this long post :frown:


This sounds like a nightmare- please block him and report him to the police- punching you and taking photos and threatening to send them around is beyond illegal!
He's really abusive and you don't deserve any of this :frown: Have you told anyone in real life about his behaviour? Parents or friends?
Oh and please don't to him about feeling alone or whatever he's manipulating you, noone deserves a piece of crap like him!
Hope you're okay :frown:
(edited 7 years ago)
You seem like a fool but do what you want.
Jesus ****ing Christ. It seems to me it's a blessing you've broken up. Block him on everything and never look back, he sounds like prison material.
Reply 4
What advice are you looking for? You don't have to justify a breakup to strangers on the internet, if you weren't happy then that's that.

Anyway, it sounds like your relationship was toxic - he sounds very aggressive and if he has put his hands on you, even once, then you don't owe him a thing afterwards. It's mind-boggling how people don't immediately get away from people who get physically aggressive with them. The best thing to do with people like that is to close every door. Don't answer their messages, don't speak to them, don't initiate conversation with them ever because often they're desperately looking for a way back in, especially controlling people. They may cry, beg, shout, lash out or even threaten suicide but it's manipulation.
He is TOXIC and nasty.

Do not go near toxic people for obvious reasons. If you cant figure that out for yourself (blackmail, hitting etc), then you have completely lost any abiliyu to sense what is healthy for you.

You are fragile and dont have the best perspective on things. he will cause you more grief.
STAY AWAY.

If he wont leave you alone report him to the police or the university.
Make notes of any emails or nasty texts he sends you.

Someone who loves or respects you does not behave in the way you described.
Reply 6
This guy seems on the far too weird and autistic side of dominant. Well it's your fault you love him, so either accept him, all his faults included, or move on.

I bet you'll end up with someone else as bad or even worse though.
Original post by s081013
Background info (for reference only):

- US? My ex boyfriend and I are coursemates at uni and we dated for 5 months.

- ME? I am known for being cheerful and bubbly on my course, but I am also an insecure person.

- HIM? He is known for being really cold, unsociable and only cared about academics (but I was quite attracted by that as I like nerdy guys - never knew that it was to an extent where he'd complain about us not talking about the subject when we are chilling together or during meal times). He needs a lot of validation from his mum and they are constantly texting throughout the day. Will talk more about his relationship with his parents.

-BREAKUP? Broken up for quite a few times, but the most recent and last breakup happened due to the following reason: He was angry at me for making a negative comment about fine dining (i think it's very uptight and i personally don't enjoy it) - he said he was personally offended because he had previously worked for a fine dining restaurant and he personally enjoys fine dining. I would understand that he's upset if he was taking me out for a fine dining meal, but we were just going for chinese that night.

He said that I ruined the night, and was angry enough to tell me to stfu, even when it's the last day before I had to fly home for the summer. When I felt upset about his reaction, he said that I didn't deserve consolation because I asked for that. He was so pissed off at me that he didn't talk to, hug or see me off at the station (as he promised to). He didn't come because I didn't apologise as he demanded me to, as a condition.

Things that he wasn't happy about me:

Problem of space: I really love this guy and I tried extremely hard during our relationship, to improve on things that he wanted me to improve on - he said that we spent too much time together and he wanted to spend time with friends, so I would suggest that he go and meet up with friends and suggested things that we could do to increase the amount of personal space in the future, as I really wanted us to last.

Problem of not letting him pause the argument and storm out and suddenly cease a conversation: He is the kind of person who would suddenly storm out of the room and cease the argument. I really didn't like that and asked if he had to do that (because there's a time when he stormed out, and before he did he said that he would come back to talk, which I then agreed with. He came back, put me on the phone with his mum, who asked him if 'he's done it (got rid of me) - to tell me off and tell me to leave. He packed all of my stuff and threw them out). He said I was disrespecting his personal rights so I stopped asking him to stay to talk. I would just let him storm out and talk again, whenever he wanted to and if he wanted to.

Problems I had with him:

Punching me and saying really nasty things at the heat of the moment and saying that I was too sensitive: Whenever we argued, I would encourage that we sit together and try to speak logically - let our minds speak before our hearts, our emotions. He agreed that it's a good idea because he has a tendency of saying really nasty things at the heated moment (e.g. he's called me childish, naive, a *****; He has also swore a lot at me). There's also a time when he held me up to punch me continuously in the stomach to the point that I felt really sick. He told me to go to the hospital on my own so that they wouldn't suspect him. I was really upset, but he said that it was self defense because I was trying to ask him to hug me when he didn't want to.

Charging me for things that he bought for me: He's bought me some flowers and some chocolates. When he's angry at me, he ate all of the chocolates himself and when we broke up, he asked me to pay him back (a value that is more than the worth of the flowers - 50 pounds for some 20 pounds flowers). Also asked me to pay him back for some flight tickets he booked to come and visit my family in the summer (originally) as he wouldn't go unless it's for that purpose. I didn't pay. He wanted to make a point so he told me that he was binning a book that I got for him, which had a lot of meanings to it, as he can do whatever he wants.

Locking me out -

1) Once he packed all of my stuff and demanded that i leave.
2) Another time when he went home for his mum's birthday celebration, he forgot to give me his keys as he promised to, as my keys were at his place. Originally he said he'd come back by train (as it would only take half an hour to come back), so I went back to the train station, holding bags of frozen ingredients that I bought to cook him a huge meal when he's back. Half an hour later, I called again as he hadn't appeared. My phone was running out of battery, but he told me to go and try and ask the security guards to open my door for me so to save him time. It would take me much more time than he would, and he said he's already in the car. He said that I was making it a big deal and that he would 'ruin his mums birthday surprise if he came back'. He didn't come back in the end, and was angry at me. I had to make up for it.
3) There's a time when we were unhappy with each other and I asked for my keys back so that I could go out at some point, asked him to call and I would open the door for him when he comes back. (we were going to different places) He was angry and threw my keys into my corridor for me to pick up from the floor. Am I a dog or something?? He said if I didn't, then i'd be locked out of the flat. Then he did, and I had to go and talk to the security guards about it. They said its really abusive what he's been doing to me all along.

His parents
1) He texts his mum all day all night and he constantly seeks validation from his mum.
2) She thinks that she has the right to shout at me on the phone as her son wants her to.
3) She texts to tell me not to mess with her son4) She said that I was destroying their holiday when I was studying at uni all alone (as I was taking the 2nd sitting of exams) and only texting her son at night for a bit, just to talk briefly. The worst thing is that he would blame all of it on me. He'd call that a sacrifice.5) His parents say that I don't deserve him. He's only told his dad about some bad stuff that he's done... and complains about me all the time. He said that's because he thought the relationship felt too nice and he needed to involve a third party to judge it??

Another girl - There's this really flirtatious girl who would flirt with every guy, even though she's in a relationship herself. She's calling everyone honey and okay I know that some people do - but I didn't like it so I simply politely texted her, asking if she could stop calling him that pet name. She came to our room to shout at me, saying that she's f***ing someone else not my bf. Saying that I was really insecure and pathetic and etc. I went back into the room feeling really humiliated, only to hear from him that he agreed with her and that he thought I deserved the humiliation and I asked for it. He said he'd stop talking to her as he knew that its upsetting me what he said about her shouting at me, but he resumed their conversation and lied about it. Said that it was just a technical error but was found to be lying. He said I was controlling and jealous.

He had also made a certain promises and ended up breaking all of them, and said that I just had to live with that

Blackmailing: When we broke up, he sent me explicit pictures that he took of me without me knowing when I walked out of the shower in a towel. He threatened to send them around - to my family and friends. I told him that it's illegal and he said 'f*** you'. He also got really furious with me when I refused to have sex with him, he said i was taking his rights away. I was really upset about that as i thought he'd respect me, so i wanted to go for a walk, and he threw my bag on the floor and said 'i hope you don't get raped!'.


He texted me recently saying that he wants to get back together, but I refused to. It was painful to reject him because he said he was all alone when I was gone, he felt so unwanted, isolated and he felt that he could never find someone who loves him as much as I did. When I did reject him, he was furious and swore about my entire family, which he then apologized for..

I am really upset:frown: And so sorry for this long post :frown:


Whatever you do, do NOT get back with him! He is abusive and barbaric - you should really report him to the police - absolutely NO-ONE should lay their hand on another man or woman like that! I'm glad that you got out of that relationship and, to be honest, even if you still love him, DON'T GO BACK! If you go back, then chances are you will be allowing him to hurt you even more... men like that put you in a corner that you can't get out of. It might hurt you to report him, but if you did, you would be preventing another girl from going through the abuse that you had to go through!

If you feel like talking to someone, you can always message me - although I've never been in a relationship before, I do have ways to cheer people up :smile:

Good luck! :biggrin: And be HAPPY! :smile:
Reply 8
Original post by QueenBee98
although I've never been in a relationship before


Along with 90% of the respondents to these threads. Considering you have no idea what you're talking about, shouldn't you keep mum? :wtf:
Original post by 41b
Along with 90% of the respondents to these threads. Considering you have no idea what you're talking about, shouldn't you keep mum? :wtf:


I was just trying to help make her feel better :smile:
Original post by QueenBee98
I was just trying to help make her feel better :smile:


:h: Sweet
Honestly he is so, so toxic. Please don't go back to him, you deserve so much better. Report him to the police, no one else should have to go through what you went through. And what the actual **** to him running to his parents every time you argued, etc, sounds pathetic imo, especially as his mum thinks it's ok to have a go at you when it's all his fault


Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 12
Thanks for the kind comments and I am in no way wanting to get back with him, or else i wouldnt have rejected him.
Reply 13
Original post by QueenBee98
I was just trying to help make her feel better :smile:


Thank so much :smile:
Original post by s081013
Thank so much :smile:


You're welcome :smile:
Please stay away from him and delete him out of your life completely.

He is very vicious and dangerous to be around. It's very confusing how somebody can love a person who behaves in that manner, inflicting emotional and physical harm to others.






Posted from TSR Mobile
this guy punched you in the stomach until you were sick and had to go to the hospital? he should be in prison, not in a relationship. absolute scum.
Reply 17
I missed the part where you said what you were feeling for him. do you still have feelings for him or something?

if you do then i'm sorry to be harsh but its no wonder you got beaten. sorry but its always women like you that become beaten, you're quite naive. the man beat you, treated you worse than a dog, insulted your whole family and doesn't seem to want a relationship, all he seems to want is the ability to control you and you are feeling upset by not going back to him?

you must be a sucker for punishment. there are other men out there. block him so he can't text you again, get over him and find someone else.

Love is BS if theres no respect. if he has the ability to beat you he also has the ability to kill you.
Reply 18
Original post by ELVsLP
I missed the part where you said what you were feeling for him. do you still have feelings for him or something?

if you do then i'm sorry to be harsh but its no wonder you got beaten. sorry but its always women like you that become beaten, you're quite naive. the man beat you, treated you worse than a dog, insulted your whole family and doesn't seem to want a relationship, all he seems to want is the ability to control you and you are feeling upset by not going back to him?

you must be a sucker for punishment. there are other men out there. block him so he can't text you again, get over him and find someone else.

Love is BS if theres no respect. if he has the ability to beat you he also has the ability to kill you.


I simply feel sad about the break up and feel sad for him, not love, as i know that someone who deserves my love and loves me wouldnt behave that way. At this point in time, im simply sad about the situation.
Original post by s081013
I simply feel sad about the break up and feel sad for him, not love, as i know that someone who deserves my love and loves me wouldnt behave that way. At this point in time, im simply sad about the situation.


Honestly you shouldn't feel sad about the situation. If it were me, I'd be pretty happy to get away from an abusive jerk. You should find someone who deserves your love and time :smile:


Posted from TSR Mobile

Quick Reply