Anxious bf won't get job

My boyfriend and I both have anxiety. I understand it's difficult to be in social situations, but he has 2 degrees in computing/programming so knows he can do work from home or in a quiet, computer environment.
I've tried helping and been encouraging, helped him with his cv and sent him a couple of job advertisements that would be perfect for his degree and match what job he told me he wants.. but still he won't go for it.
I want a future with him, and want to be able to live with him, go places, afford to go out. He lives with his parents right now, nearly 33 years old and still won't get a job. I love him to pieces but I'm worried he'll continue to avoid work. He's had jobs before in computing so it's not like it's a new challenge.

I've told him it's important to me and we're stuck just visiting each other at his parents house or me with my flatmates until he can get a full time job. I don't understand why he won't try. As I said he could even just work from home but he's been refusing to do anything for two years.. :frown:

Reply 1

shawn_o1

21

this is me in 10 years lol. Currently: sacked from a job, then had an offer taken away on reference.
I don't get any of this depression or anxiety ******** stopping people from getting a job. I mean I'm trying my hardest to get employed but I know for certain that I'll get jack **** if I don't sort out my attitude.

But don't worry, he doesn't have to necessarily work for someone in order to earn a living. If he has any business ideas he can advertise them on websites like GitHub

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by shawn_o1

this is me in 10 years lol. Currently: sacked from a job, then had an offer taken away on reference.
I don't get any of this depression or anxiety ******** stopping people from getting a job. I mean I'm trying my hardest to get employed but I know for certain that I'll get jack **** if I don't sort out my attitude.

But don't worry, he doesn't have to necessarily work for someone in order to earn a living. If he has any business ideas he can advertise them on websites like GitHub

Thanks but he doesn't have any business plans or ideas, no ambition to do anything :/ I've tried persuading him to volunteer while he's unemployed (which has been a long time) and he goes off into a speech telling me he can't help feeling this way and can't handle things. It makes it hard for me to say anything after it.

Reply 3

Betelgeuse-

19

How long since he got his degree? How long since his last job?

Reply 4

shawn_o1

21

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks but he doesn't have any business plans or ideas, no ambition to do anything :/ I've tried persuading him to volunteer while he's unemployed (which has been a long time) and he goes off into a speech telling me he can't help feeling this way and can't handle things. It makes it hard for me to say anything after it.

I can understand why he resists tbh, it's something in his mind that triggers even the most absurd of excuses to come out of his mouth. I infuriated my mum doing just that. It's one thing to be misunderstood, or worse, left alone by those closest to you.
For now I can only propose the solution of, when you next meet him, take him for a walk and let him speak his mind.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks. Yeah, he tends to tell me he hates working, feels pressured and stressed, that it makes him ill. But not every job would do that. I don't understand why he won't do a computer job at home, since he spends all day online anyway. He's 'well enough' to come to my friend's wedding, meet up with me from a dating site, and go on occasional nights out anyway..
I think he's not had a job for over 2 years. I've been with him about half a year. Not sure of his graduation year but I guess around 10 years ago and had been working in computing until 2 years ago

Reply 6

shawn_o1

21

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks. Yeah, he tends to tell me he hates working, feels pressured and stressed, that it makes him ill. But not every job would do that. I don't understand why he won't do a computer job at home, since he spends all day online anyway. He's 'well enough' to come to my friend's wedding, meet up with me from a dating site, and go on occasional nights out anyway..
I think he's not had a job for over 2 years. I've been with him about half a year. Not sure of his graduation year but I guess around 10 years ago and had been working in computing until 2 years ago

It could be the past experiences of being employed that makes him think that way. Was he sacked? Or did he mutually agree to leave his former employers?

Reply 7

999tigger

19

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks. Yeah, he tends to tell me he hates working, feels pressured and stressed, that it makes him ill. But not every job would do that. I don't understand why he won't do a computer job at home, since he spends all day online anyway. He's 'well enough' to come to my friend's wedding, meet up with me from a dating site, and go on occasional nights out anyway..
I think he's not had a job for over 2 years. I've been with him about half a year. Not sure of his graduation year but I guess around 10 years ago and had been working in computing until 2 years ago

Think the relevant point is youve only known him for 6 months in contrast he has a history of ten years since graduation, some of it unemployed. There could be all sorts of stuff he is keeping from you.

1. Its nice you send him jobs and wnat him to succeed, but be aware he can interpret that as interference and pressure. Yiu have expectations and want to move on, but he has obstacles in his way. Pleading and making him fel awkward creates pressure,letting him do nothing doesnt help either. A bit catch 22.

2. the reason he cant move on may be because:
i) He doesnt want to no matter what he says to you He could be in a comfortable rut.
ii) He is scared based on previous experience.
iii) He is stuck because he doesnt know what to do, but may pretend he does and throw up all sorts of excuses.

3. What can you do? Obviously be supportive, but not pushy. You do a good line in talking at least what your hopes and frustrations are about the relationship and he should appreciate those.

You need to find out what he thinks is holding him back and how he might solve it? That might mean getting outside help. In the meantime he has an issue with going stale, so its better he does something, which as you suggested vol work fits the bill. No pressure as he doesnt have to do it, it can help him socialise and will be good on his CV.

https://do-it.org/

He has to give you something or be wiling to try. he might need a refrehsher course. That might be soemthing like a job club or a mentor who cna ask him the straight questions, which he feels uncomfy talking to you about. Part of that will be pride and guilt because he knows he wont be meeting your expectations, so hed rather make excuses.

If he wont try, then you have no future. he should be wiling to refer himself to his GP and get counseling.

He might also need to improve his job hunting skills.

Book on cconfidence and anxiety. can find on ebay or amazon marketplace.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Anyway-Indecision-Confidence/dp/0091907071/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1470853869&sr=1-1&keywords=feel+the+fear+and+do+it+anyway

Some good books on job hunting
There are a zillion old editions which will do.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Color-Your-Parachute-2016/dp/160774662X

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Job-Hunting-3-0-yourself-effectively/dp/9814361119/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=HA5GZ8AX2QWCDG07SKXX

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bouncing-Back-Going-Career-Set-back/dp/9814382108/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1470854032&sr=1-3&keywords=richard+maun

If he wont open up or play ball or do anything then theres not a lot you can do. He need to be prepared to help himself or seek assistance from someone who can. If he wont do anything after 6 months then im aftaid i'd suggest calling it a day with him. He needs to show some willing for his own benefit.

Reply 8

Napp

22

Tell him to pull his finger out and deal with it. We've all suffered from anxiety at some point so i'm not unsimperfetic however there are plenty of treatments/therapies availible which are excellent. There is no excuse for being a dosser.

Reply 9

It's****ingWOODY

20

Has he had any type of therapy or tried any types of medications yet? Always good to at least try to get some help in that respect first, just diving in to employment when it's clearly making him anxious is never going to work. There's the possibility that he may not be mentally well enough to take on employment for quite some time yet as therapy and total recovery from mental health problems is going to be a lengthy road - you just have to consider whether or not that's a deal-breaker.

There have been, are and will be many couples that have one party go to work whilst the other stays at home, keeps the house tidy, has dinner on the table for the worker when they get home and so on - is there any reason you can't come to this type of arrangement?

Original post by shawn_o1

I don't get any of this depression or anxiety ******** stopping people from getting a job.

No offense, but that's just you being ignorant mate. I work a part-time job helping people fill in forms for disability benefits such as PIP, ESA and so on, so I know very well the limitations people with mental health issues face and it can be just as debilitating, if not more so, than many physical disabilities. They can appear well when they're not stressed, but when they are their world just comes crashing down. It's not really something you can understand unless you've either experienced it or worked closely with people who experience it.

Reply 10

doodle_333

19

Unfortunately changing isn't easy when you have anxiety and it requires a lot of motivation to take on challenges and force yourself out of your comfort zone (as you know). You can't force him to take that step, you just have to decide how long you're prepared to wait. Personally 2 years would be too long for me and I would be setting him an ultimatum to start making progress - that could start with volunteering or part time work and then try and progress slowly from there. He may not be able to make the changes but then you just have to make a choice.

Reply 11

ELVsLP

2

rather than helping him with jobs, help him with his anxiety

tell him and gently persuade him into seeing a psychiatrist or at least going to one of those groups which help people with their issues

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

He's been in therapy for a while, goes to weekly meetings about it and is on medication from his doctor. I've let him speak his mind and he tells me he'll have an anxiety attack at work and it'll make him worse. When I suggest a job from home he tells me he can't concentrate, but that doesn't make sense cause he hasn't actually tried. He's stuck in a "It MIGHT go wrong" and not willing to try anything that involves work and effort. If it's something fun like going to a concert surrounded by people he's fine..I'm frustrated, as when I tell him how I feel and that it's important if I'm going to think about a future with him I need him to put in effort and work too, he tells me I'm not helping. I don't know exactly what the therapy is doing but he isn't putting any of it to practice, he's just not even attempting to do anything ''in case'' it doesn't work out.

Reply 13

shawn_o1

21

he tells you you're not helping? if so, you'll feel that pleasure of finally dumping him out of your life. yeah sure he gets all the help from therapy and drugs but if he ain't gonna help himself - not much you can do about it

Reply 14

It's****ingWOODY

20

Original post by shawn_o1

he tells you you're not helping? if so, you'll feel that pleasure of finally dumping him out of your life. yeah sure he gets all the help from therapy and drugs but if he ain't gonna help himself - not much you can do about it

You already said you don't get it. Why are you still trying to offer advice? What you're doing is the equivalent of me entering a thread in which someone has a problem with their car - a bunch of mechanics are in the thread trying to give practical advice, and I come in and say "Look, it's broken, just scrap it." You can't just carry on and expect the problem to fix itself, in either sense.

Reply 15

It's****ingWOODY

20

Original post by Anonymous

He's been in therapy for a while, goes to weekly meetings about it and is on medication from his doctor. I've let him speak his mind and he tells me he'll have an anxiety attack at work and it'll make him worse. When I suggest a job from home he tells me he can't concentrate, but that doesn't make sense cause he hasn't actually tried. He's stuck in a "It MIGHT go wrong" and not willing to try anything that involves work and effort. If it's something fun like going to a concert surrounded by people he's fine..I'm frustrated, as when I tell him how I feel and that it's important if I'm going to think about a future with him I need him to put in effort and work too, he tells me I'm not helping. I don't know exactly what the therapy is doing but he isn't putting any of it to practice, he's just not even attempting to do anything ''in case'' it doesn't work out.

I'm not sure how long "a while" is, but improvement through therapy is a long process. If he's had anxiety for a long time, avoidance is a learned behaviour. Therapy is all about breaking down and eliminating that behaviour over time, but it's a lengthy process. A person with chronic anxiety is going to have a brain that's very resistant to change, even if that person, consciously, really wants to change. So the change in avoidance-behaviour has to be introduced very gradually if the change is to be a long-term success. It might seem now that he's not putting much into practice, but you're probably expecting dramatic changes within a few months. Not going to happen.

So as I said, you've got two choices; either live with it, support him as best as you can (this doesn't mean pep-talking him into how he'll enjoy working and will feel better - it's about being involved with his therapy "homework" and helping him with those babysteps); or, if you can't handle it, then leave him as you'll not only make yourself unhappy, but you'll only serve as a barrier to him getting better. Indeed, if he has chronic anxiety due to chemical imbalances in the brain and doesn't respond well to medication, he may never be well enough to work. So as I asked in my last post - there are many couples and families in which one goes and earns the money whilst another stays home, keeps the place tidy and has dinner on the table when the worker comes home - is there any reason why you can't make some sort of arrangement here? No disrespect intended, but its a pretty feeble relationship if its success is based on whether or not he's employed tbh.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 16

Juichiro

18

Original post by Anonymous

My boyfriend and I both have anxiety. I understand it's difficult to be in social situations, but he has 2 degrees in computing/programming so knows he can do work from home or in a quiet, computer environment.
I've tried helping and been encouraging, helped him with his cv and sent him a couple of job advertisements that would be perfect for his degree and match what job he told me he wants.. but still he won't go for it.
I want a future with him, and want to be able to live with him, go places, afford to go out. He lives with his parents right now, nearly 33 years old and still won't get a job. I love him to pieces but I'm worried he'll continue to avoid work. He's had jobs before in computing so it's not like it's a new challenge.

I've told him it's important to me and we're stuck just visiting each other at his parents house or me with my flatmates until he can get a full time job. I don't understand why he won't try. As I said he could even just work from home but he's been refusing to do anything for two years.. :frown:

It's obvious that in his current situation OP won't get a job even if you apply on his behalf. If you think he suffers from some sort of disorder, take him to a psychologist. Otherwise, you might have to leave him or lose your dreams. Remember, there are many potential partners in the world.

Anxious bf won't get job

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