Needing help badly, and using this as my only hope and therapy.

So this is a bit of a very long one, bear with me and have some patience, please.I don't even know where to start it as it's a pretty long one, to all who read it. I sincerely thank you.
So, here goes.

I met this girl online in a forum and we started talking I guess, it was all a bit random at first as I'd gotten a message from another user and we started talking. She was depressed as I was and was using the forum as a means out and one message she sent to me saying "no one cares" struck a chord with me and I replied to her saying "I'm no one but I care" and from then on I have. Always. After 2/3 days we got talking more often on a messenger and finally we skyped each other, we talked to each other until around 6am from the night before and we talked and talked each day after on skype during the March halfterm. We got close and eventually fell in love, atleast I did I guess. We arranged and talked of a day of meeting and we did mid April.

From the offset though there were a few things that bothered me and one of them were that when I added her on facebook it said she was in a relationship with someone and when I asked she dismissed it saying its just something with a friend, don't even mind it. And I took it as that.
We met and I fell even more in love with her, it was a 2 hour train ride for me as I was worried to drive so far and bar the first time, all the other times I've been to see her I've driven a 250 mile round trip to go see her. She means the world to me.
However one day over messenger she tells me that the guy who she says is a friend is actually someone she has been in a "relationship" with. And she was trying to get over him with me, it annoyed me and angered me at the time and I asked her if she sees anything with me or who she wants and she said she will try, we argued a bit and eventually I settled for her hoping that she will go for me. Problem after problem arose and she lost faith or her love in me I guess which drove me here to get help. The first month or so she kept telling me "I was the only positive" in her life and I feel immense love and care at her for it. She explained and told me all about her life, how as a child her parents would argue and how her dad would shout, break and throws things around the house without physically hurting them and verbally abuse their whole family (including her younger sisters). She told me how she had been to depression clinics as a child and nothing helped and how none of her family cares about her or anything. And she has these bouts of depression and I do my all to help her, she means the world to me. She's explained how she can't make any friends and how she struggles and felt depressed and the other guy came into her life then, just randomly messaged her and she told me she clung onto him as it's been the first time a person came to her and talked to her in any way.
So this guy shes been with has known her for over 4 years and not once has he been to see her, she says how when they skype he just doesn't care and how he has worked and brought gaming pcs and other stuff but couldn't bother to see her and only started caring when I came into the picture. My worry is this, that I've given my all for her, cared for her and done everything I can for her. At every step of the way I think of her the most and every decision I've made I've done so to try be better for her and spineless as it is anything she asks of me, I do. I'm infatuated by her and I love her. When we are together in person we laugh and smile and everything seems perfect and as soon as I go back she gets back to saying how the other guy is amazing and cares and how I am just a mere friend now. The fall of being the one positive in her life to a mere friend hurt me the most. She's told me numerous times how she knows I love and care for her the most and how she's trapped and scared of the other guy but wants me more, she will only say these things however whenever he has upset her and she has the sudden moments of realisation and beyond that she always praises him and says he loves her when sometimes she gets depressed saying he wont spend £90 on flight tickets but would spend £4000 on a gaming pc.
I've tried my all for her and I'm trapped in a sense and it's why I am here as well, should I stick at it and help her out of here. I am worried as she says she doesn't care about me and bothers about me and then all of a sudden goes into the moments of how I care and most recently I got mad at her and told her that he just doesn't care and she softened and told me how I should be there for her etc so I am all at sea.

I'm lost, in love, and hopeless. I don't know what to do, what to make of it and could talk about this for hours more and I just need help on what I should do. Should I stick around, help her and make her mine, or should I do as a friend of mine who is a girl told me, forget about her and cut my losses.
Help please.

Thank you.

And oh P.S she mentioned to me midway how she uses to message guys to get over him and then block them once she's happy and told me how I was not the same and had been there for her. I feel used and just like a pawn of her game at time but I'm smitten and too caring of her to do anything about it. The most recent time we met I told her that if things are going the way they are I may just leave as I'm ending depressed at how I end up caring and getting nothing back at all. And she's been mad about it for me ever since asking if I will leave her etc.P.S.S I think of her as an amazing person, she's beautiful and her smile and her moments of when she tells me she loves me makes me feel the ****ing world for her. Everytime something happens in her life I feel care for her and I have put her ahead of myself and my family and I love her to the core. I've tried this leaving and not caring then I always end up going back as she's my all to me. And yes, I think of her as my girlfriend as what happened between us in the first few months and all she has said I cherish and keep as her real self, and each time she's been through something and tells me of us I always end up having hope

also P.S.S.S Yeah, she'd mention to me how at times she'd realise I care and love for her but this is only when she is upset by the other guy. He doesn't care for her and occasionally his good word or makes her happy but besides that she's depressed with all going on at home and with him. And I do my all to help her and make her smile and for her thats it. It's like im a shoulder to cry on when she needs, and apart from that I'm disposable but that I should be here for her when she asks. Hence why she's asked me if I would leave her and has been treating me even worse since recently and not talked properly to me.
I just don't know. She told me of how her mums replacing all the locks in the house to close her abusive father out and has been asking if I'd be there for her and I want to be there for her but it seems like im getting hugged from the front and then stabbed at the same time. She bluntly told me how she would never go out with me and how I should move on then a few second later asks me if I would be here for her and if I would ever leave her. And I feel so compromised with everything going on in her family as I can't just leave her like that as It's going against all I feel and I care but its like she wants me to be here just for this part and then it's all bye for meIt's like I am a friend for her who she can turn to or something cause the "boyfriend" doesn't care. But no matter how much I care she cares more for him and It's like Im filling the hole she has with how he doesn't care?..

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 1

goldhelpme14

And for all you who have read it through, thank you. I know it is a hugely long read but saying out everything has been therapeutic to me and has left me feeling a bit happier for myself too

Reply 2

shawn_o1

The problem is with her, not you. Best to leave her immediately, regardless of how much it hurts, because that's the only thing she is capable of doing at the moment (hurting others).

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Read it all, sometimes just venting it out helps.

Dating someone with depression or someone with depressive characteristics is tough. It's even more tough when you're the depressed one. You can imagine how bad it gets when both are depressed.

Little story for you. Unofficially I think I suffered with depression at college. I realised that a lot of my friends were leaving for uni, I was going to be alone, no friends, no girlfriend, etc. I wasn't happy with that and decided something would need to change. In one of my classes there was nobody I knew or spoke to but there was one girl who started saying hi, being nice, etc. Subconsciously I latched onto that, similar to what it sounds like was happening here. Someone was being nice and I fell for her. We dated a bit and the relationship was terrible for all sorts of reasons. We barely talked or met and I always felt really clingy. It was pretty devastating albeit a good learning experience. We broke up and alter tried dating again. It went a little better but still didn't work out. But we left on good terms this time.

Fast forward a few months and a random girl adds me on Facebook. No idea who she was, she started being nice and guess what happened. Latched on again. She was a nice enough person but the more I got to know her the more I realised she wasn't for me. We both had some depressive traits and things didn't work. Ultimately she couldn't decide between me and her ex and that's when I realised it was time to break it off.

In both cases depression was controlling those relationships. All it took was a few nice words and I'd end up falling for a girl. I thought that maybe someone suffering similar to me would be a good match. But we don't like to see people suffering. We grab onto people, thinking they'll help our suffering but ultimately if that was all it took we wouldn't be suffering in the first place. If we knew how to fix other people we'd fix ourselves.

I could go on for ages about all sorts of different factors involved in relationships and depression. But I'll leave that for another time. What ultimately matters here is how you're feeling.

So you mentioned that this girl adds other people, they make her feel better and then she blocks them. She says you are different but you have no guarantee of this. This is extremely manipulative and generally not something you want from someone you'd be in a relationship with. There's lots of other things that stand out as problems, like such as her apparent shunning of you when you're not together (and simply treating you as a friend) and telling you how you should be there for her.

Ultimately there are problems here. And while I don't want to suggest that you should just abandon her (especially if there are serious issues) I also don't think there's much you can do. If she is suffering from depression or something similar she needs to get professional help, not random guys making her feel better. There's nothing you can do about that.

You say you love her but in what why? Why do you love here? Is it because you're in a similar position? Because that final chunk you wrote doesn't seem like she feels the same way. If you were indeed in similar positions she should be able to understand a little of how you feel. Getting angry isn't a good sign.

I don't want to say what's right or wrong, or discount here condition in any way. But it clearly seems like she does not care for you in the way you care for her. Ultimately your highest priority needs to be yourself. You put her before yourself and it ended up making you feel bad. You're in a position where you need to post online looking for help. That's not a good position to be in. It'll hurt but I think you need to cut her out of your life. You are the most important thing and keeping yourself healthy and happy is number 1.

Love comes and goes. You might feel like you love her and later realise it wasn't. You'll probably find loads of other people to love and enjoy a relationship with. In that respect she probably isn't all that unique.

For your own good focus on making yourself happy for now. That probably means cutting your ties with her and it might hurt both of you. But you can't be responsible for her life as well as yours. Your life has a value too and you should treat it as such. If she can't see that and can't reciprocate how you feel, if she's making you feel worse then you need to do something about that.

And as always there's no trained or professional help here. If you feel like you're suffering from anything you need to go see a doctor.

Reply 4

~Tara~

That behaviour is not atypical of depression. Manipulation and narcissism are not markers of depression.

She's clearly using you to bolster her self esteem..a bit like a leech stealing yours to build her own. I would take a giant step back. Enough to help you breathe and see things from out of her spell.

Reply 5

goldhelpme14

Yeah, she'd mention to me how at times she'd realise I care and love for her but this is only when she is upset by the other guy. He doesn't care for her and occasionally his good word or makes her happy but besides that she's depressed with all going on at home and with him. And I do my all to help her and make her smile and for her thats it. It's like im a shoulder to cry on when she needs, and apart from that I'm disposable but that I should be here for her when she asks. Hence why she's asked me if I would leave her and has been treating me even worse since recently and not talked properly to me.

I just don't know. She told me of how her mums replacing all the locks in the house to close her abusive father out and has been asking if I'd be there for her and I want to be there for her but it seems like im getting hugged from the front and then stabbed at the same time. She bluntly told me how she would never go out with me and how I should move on then a few second later asks me if I would be here for her and if I would ever leave her. And I feel so compromised with everything going on in her family as I can't just leave her like that as It's going against all I feel and I care but its like she wants me to be here just for this part and then it's all bye for me

Reply 6

goldhelpme14

It's like I am a friend for her who she can turn to or something cause the "boyfriend" doesn't care. But no matter how much I care she cares more for him and It's like Im filling the hole she has with how he doesn't care?..

Reply 7

shawn_o1

that is seriously rotten behaviour from her. She probably learned it because she was the victim of such, and probably never knew good behaviour outside of her household (hence her being attracted to a similarly rotten guy, who isn't OP)

Reply 8

ZeroName

You may be suffering from a scarcity mindset. "She's your only chance" sound familiar? The cure is to be more social. Find people you can relax around. This girl is not worth the effort but you put in the effort and invested too much into her which increases the "she's your only chance" mindset. You won't stop unless you force yourself to.
Go no contact from her and meet new people in a real life setting that live nearer to you and you'll think she wasn't something to be put onto a pedestal when you find a girl that mutually likes you and takes no grafting to talk to.

I could be wrong, just having a go.

Reply 9

~Tara~

She is not able to have a relationship of any kind with you. The best thing you can for her is actually leave and stop being pulled into the games she is playing. Some people can't be rescued they have to save themselves.

And honestly, it sounds like she has (as a min) some form of personality disorder. There's nothing wrong with having a mental illness but you can't be expected to manage that for someone who isn't receiving any treatment. Plus if she has a boyfriend and family, she needs to seek support that way.

Your sole purpose to her is to act as a buffer for her emotions. Any time she might have to feel distressed about something she comes to you. Or when she wants to feel more loved- "don't be near me in too broken we can't be tot her. Oh but don't go you're my only hope". You're barely even a person to her because you exist to serve her needs and she will say what she needs to to keep you there. The best thing you can do is allow her to feel her own distress. And never mind anything to do with her. - you deserve to exist within a relationship and not to be co-dependent

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 10

goldhelpme14

It's quite frustrating as when we last met she kept insisting on me telling me that "I like you as a friend and im not using you" repeatedly after I accused her of just using me and at the time I felt as though she was saying it because of her own guilt she felt. It's weird as her "boyfriend" who she hasn't ever met and has known for over 4 years doesn't care much at all to even meet her and at moments she actually realises and tells me that I love her the way she loves him and she feels trapped and helpless by him. She's explained to me how he came into her life when she was severely depressed and he was the first one to talk to her so she has that cling onto him and he lives all the way in Sweden. Thing is whenever they argue she comes to me and everything and it's been a cycle and I'm sick and tired of it.

I genuinely care for her and her past makes me treat her with sympathy and I guess an elevated sense of care. But since recently she's been saying I'm not a man and to grow a pair when actually caring towards her saying I'll be more attractive then so I'm literally left talking to myself in my head at what to even do.So far for the past 24 hours or so she hasn't talked to me much and ignored me, however has asked if I will leave her and stated of her problems at home.

Where do I even begin.