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No friends at uni

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Original post by anita-573
I am part of an ethnic minority so from the outside looking in everybody around you is basically the same when it comes to their interests as you mentioned and only used to being around/ friends with people who look like them all their lives. The complete opposite for me. There is no diversity whatsoever within the people on my course, it's hard to connect with someone who would never see you as a potential friend in the first place. I'm not being bitter, I've actually experienced this and being treated differently just because I'm not white. There was a few people on my course who lived in my accommodation block (first year) and even though they knew I was also on the same course I just wasn't included. I'd never felt so unwelcome amongst new people in my whole life, there is absolutely no sense of community at university I feel. Anyway I've taken on everything and I'm feeling better and I'm going to just do what's right for me.



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What I would suggest to someone in your situation is to look beyond just the people on your course. Those are only the people you work with - they don't have to be your friends. Join societies where you will meet people who share your interests and are studying on different courses to you. If those societies don't exist, create one and drum up some interest - people will appear out of nowhere if you grab their attention, haha. I'd even suggest getting involved in community projects where you don't have to meet any uni students if you don't want to. You have opportunities, especially if you live in a major city. The problem I had was that the societies I joined were very often populated with and run by the same people I was studying with (medics and dentists) so that made it harder to branch out and meet other students on different courses. Not to mention these fake people were so full of themselves and ruining the societies for everyone else, but I knuckled under and just got on with it because I enjoyed the activities we did (dance performances). If you're studying anything except Medicine or Dentistry, I don't think you'll have the same problem there. It may be hard to integrate with people on a majority white course, but then it's your job to go out and find people of the same ethnicity as you. They'll be around, you just have to look in the right places and go to the right events. :smile:
Original post by asif007
I actually had a great time at uni and was never depressed despite knowing (reluctantly) that people didn't return my efforts. I wasn't bothered about living in a **** city back then cos I was still studying and had a degree to focus on, as well as working towards my wish to move back to my home city (London) after I graduate. The problem I have is that I was forced to stay in my uni city for another year after I failed my course - unemployed, doing nothing and unable to get away. Basically my parents moved abroad 2 years back so I don't have a home in this country any more, and they didn't let me move to stay with them after I failed my course. Where I am now is just a place to sleep - it's not a "home away from home" or any of that other BS that people come up with. It's **** and I hate it. So when I leave in 2 weeks (finally, 14 months late FFS) I am never ever coming back. I say to everyone I know that I hope I die before I ever come back here again. I would have been healthy, happy and comfortable if I hadn't been emotionally blackmailed into staying here again and was allowed to go back to London where my friends are. Getting over what happened to me at uni would have been much easier too. But sometimes even your own parents just want to leave you in the **** because it suits them. That's how it is in Asian families - they support you while you are successful (even though they don't give any encouragement) but as soon as something goes wrong, they want nothing to do with you. They offer no support, tell you to just deal with your problems by yourself and, in the process, actually make it much harder for you to recover.

I did consider transferring uni but I was doing Medicine so that wasn't allowed. Right now I'm not allowed to finish Medicine in the UK either, so I'll have to go abroad. I guess it's my fault for not getting a place to study Medicine in London, but you go wherever you get a place because it's so competitive. I'm living 100 miles away from family and 200 miles from London, so commuting here was never possible either, even while my parents were still in London. But to anyone not in my position, yes I would recommend commuting and/or transferring uni if they don't like where they are. No one should have to go through the horrible experiences I did - I wouldn't wish that on anyone. :s-smilie:


Oh wow, I'm Asian too but more specifically my heritage is Indian. Can't your talk to them or do anything to make them more supportive? My parents aren't like that thankfully, they're very supportive. I'm female, I can share almost anything with you my Mum like personal matters etc without judgement and gain proper advice. When I mean judgement, I mean getting scold.. Obviously she will have her point of view and opinion that's natural. I prefer not to tell my Dad about things being a girl, but if I did he would support me. I just prefer talking to my Mum about it really. Do you have any siblings that can offer support?

It's not your fault for anything, get that thought out of your head. If you tried your best, that's all that matters really. If it's meant to be, it'll be. So what are you going to do now? Good luck with whatever you decide to do :smile: but parents should be more supportive, I've never experienced that so I can't give much advice. Sorry :frown:

It's always good to move out and live in accommodation, experience new things but I do agree in your case you may have been better off commuting.
I had always wanted my son to go to Uni. I still hope he might want to one day. He is 19 now and just about to start the second year of a HND at our local college here in Northern Ireland. He was outgoing at Primary School and had lots of friends. But when he started secondary school he struggled. Don't think it helped that he went to the third largest school here with 1,300 pupils. Anyway he made a couple of friends, and he still has those same friends. They all started at school on the same day as each other and have been through everything together through thick and thin. The main reason he doesn't want to go to Uni is because he is shy and worries he won't fit in. Neither he nor his friends drink any alcohol and he is conscious of the drink culture at Uni. Where we live is a nice quiet village with the biggest town 6 miles away. But I worry about him. He is stuck in his bedroom far too much . I suggested if he didn't want to live at Uni he could commute and come home each evening. A lot of the local ones do. The nearest Uni to us that does his course is Ulster which is 42 miles away. I'm pretty sure he wishes he had a girlfriend, which he never has had. I told him he'll never meet a girl if he spends his life either at college, work placement or in the house. If his friends were going to uni I'm sure he would happily go too. But sadly his friends all dropped out of their college courses and are signing on the dole,doing bugger all with their lives. I have been lucky that in my career I lived and worked all over the world. It would bloody well break my heart if my son were to never leave our little village his whole life. Sigh.
I would say keep trying new ways to make friends even though i know it is hard sometimes. I too struggled with finding people who were similar to me. If it is your last year then maybe just throw everything you have at finding friends in the first semester and if it doesnt happen then just concentrate on getting the best degree you can. Hope this helps a little bit and I wish you the best of luck for your third year.
Original post by asif007
I actually had a great time at uni and was never depressed despite knowing (reluctantly) that people didn't return my efforts. I wasn't bothered about living in a **** city back then cos I was still studying and had a degree to focus on, as well as working towards my wish to move back to my home city (London) after I graduate. The problem I have is that I was forced to stay in my uni city for another year after I failed my course - unemployed, doing nothing and unable to get away. Basically my parents moved abroad 2 years back so I don't have a home in this country any more, and they didn't let me move to stay with them after I failed my course. Where I am now is just a place to sleep - it's not a "home away from home" or any of that other BS that people come up with. It's **** and I hate it. So when I leave in 2 weeks (finally, 14 months late FFS) I am never ever coming back. I say to everyone I know that I hope I die before I ever come back here again. I would have been healthy, happy and comfortable if I hadn't been emotionally blackmailed into staying here again and was allowed to go back to London where my friends are. Getting over what happened to me at uni would have been much easier too. But sometimes even your own parents just want to leave you in the **** because it suits them. That's how it is in Asian families - they support you while you are successful (even though they don't give any encouragement) but as soon as something goes wrong, they want nothing to do with you. They offer no support, tell you to just deal with your problems by yourself and, in the process, actually make it much harder for you to recover.

I did consider transferring uni but I was doing Medicine so that wasn't allowed. Right now I'm not allowed to finish Medicine in the UK either, so I'll have to go abroad. I guess it's my fault for not getting a place to study Medicine in London, but you go wherever you get a place because it's so competitive. I'm living 100 miles away from family and 200 miles from London, so commuting here was never possible either, even while my parents were still in London. But to anyone not in my position, yes I would recommend commuting and/or transferring uni if they don't like where they are. No one should have to go through the horrible experiences I did - I wouldn't wish that on anyone. :s-smilie:



How did you fail out of medicine?


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Original post by markova21
I had always wanted my son to go to Uni. I still hope he might want to one day. He is 19 now and just about to start the second year of a HND at our local college here in Northern Ireland. He was outgoing at Primary School and had lots of friends. But when he started secondary school he struggled. Don't think it helped that he went to the third largest school here with 1,300 pupils. Anyway he made a couple of friends, and he still has those same friends. They all started at school on the same day as each other and have been through everything together through thick and thin. The main reason he doesn't want to go to Uni is because he is shy and worries he won't fit in. Neither he nor his friends drink any alcohol and he is conscious of the drink culture at Uni. Where we live is a nice quiet village with the biggest town 6 miles away. But I worry about him. He is stuck in his bedroom far too much . I suggested if he didn't want to live at Uni he could commute and come home each evening. A lot of the local ones do. The nearest Uni to us that does his course is Ulster which is 42 miles away. I'm pretty sure he wishes he had a girlfriend, which he never has had. I told him he'll never meet a girl if he spends his life either at college, work placement or in the house. If his friends were going to uni I'm sure he would happily go too. But sadly his friends all dropped out of their college courses and are signing on the dole,doing bugger all with their lives. I have been lucky that in my career I lived and worked all over the world. It would bloody well break my heart if my son were to never leave our little village his whole life. Sigh.


You should give him an ultimatum, go to university or move out. In Asian household, we don't get an option not to go to university. Some Asians even go as far as, forcing their children to do certain subjects. Thankfully, my parents haven't done that. Me and my younger sister (2 years difference) are both at university studying a subject of our own choice. I also have an younger brother 12, he also has to go to university. We can choose what degree subject we want to do, we don't get a choice in not attending university.

I also commute to university via train then I catch the bus there, it costs £265 per term. My university is 32 miles away from where I live. It's doable, I'm only in 3 days a week so it's fine. Plus, I have a part time job where I live so I can't give that up either.

I think this is a fair principle, I will be applying the same to my children. Without education, you are nothing. Your degree will stay with you for life.
Original post by Chutiya
How did you fail out of medicine?


Posted from TSR Mobile


That's not the point of this discussion. I have no idea why that's the first thing you took from everything I wrote. But if you must know, I failed an exam.
Original post by markova21
I had always wanted my son to go to Uni. I still hope he might want to one day. He is 19 now and just about to start the second year of a HND at our local college here in Northern Ireland. He was outgoing at Primary School and had lots of friends. But when he started secondary school he struggled. Don't think it helped that he went to the third largest school here with 1,300 pupils. Anyway he made a couple of friends, and he still has those same friends. They all started at school on the same day as each other and have been through everything together through thick and thin. The main reason he doesn't want to go to Uni is because he is shy and worries he won't fit in. Neither he nor his friends drink any alcohol and he is conscious of the drink culture at Uni. Where we live is a nice quiet village with the biggest town 6 miles away. But I worry about him. He is stuck in his bedroom far too much . I suggested if he didn't want to live at Uni he could commute and come home each evening. A lot of the local ones do. The nearest Uni to us that does his course is Ulster which is 42 miles away. I'm pretty sure he wishes he had a girlfriend, which he never has had. I told him he'll never meet a girl if he spends his life either at college, work placement or in the house. If his friends were going to uni I'm sure he would happily go too. But sadly his friends all dropped out of their college courses and are signing on the dole,doing bugger all with their lives. I have been lucky that in my career I lived and worked all over the world. It would bloody well break my heart if my son were to never leave our little village his whole life. Sigh.


I agree with anonymous to encourage or keep pushing your son to go uni, not sure about the ultimatum bit though cos he might choose to move out but no harm in trying that too just to see what he says because years ago when a work colleague told me the same story about her son that just stays in his room and refuses to go uni or college or apply for a job unless it's to do with inventing new games on x box and she gave him an utimatum to get any job or she will throw him out he told her he would prefer to leave so she did not go through with the threat because she did not want him living on the streets.

But i really wish my mum had made me go uni or college and not given me a choice because i was too scared to apply myself because i was worried i'd end up a loner with no friends but i believe my life would have been so much better and i would have been more confident and be in a good job and have a successful, long term career and been able to aford to go abroad on holidays as i have never been on holiday but if i had gone to uni or college when i left school i would have achieved all of those things. Instead i had zero confidence so just applied for all types of crap jobs But although i did end up doing admin, reception a few years ago but i hated it and drifted into retail, catering, picker/packer etc but i should have just stuck to admin but let an agency find me those jobs but i gave up on applying for admin jobs after i left school because i did not think i was good enough to do that job because my family and other people made me feel like i was not good enough for admin or any good jobs, only ****, low paid jobs.
And i wish that when i left school i had known about jobs like trainee recruitment consultant that requires no experience as even that is better than most of the crap jobs i've had.

I really wish when i left school that i had gone to college or uni to do a music course or any other course but in March or May i went online to look up music courses and saw Bimm music college in London so i arranged online to go on the open day and wrote i would bring 1 guest. I fell out with my friend so ended up going alone but i still had a great time because there were people of all ages there and people with their parents too. It was a great experience and a good day out because we got to see live bands playing then afterwards we got to go to different rooms of our choice to talk to the tutors. I went into the wrong room so ended up in the songwriting room but i'm glad i did because it was so interesting and i decided i'm going to do that next year as i chose another music course first which is learning how to make music on computers, sound engineering.

So you should just arrange online a date to go on a college or uni open day and campus tour for your son and write he is bringing 4 guests which includes yourself and his friends but choose a music course open day first because it is so much fun to see live bands and everyone loves music and can bond over that.
Choose Bimm as they have a college in Ireland i think and they are doing a maserclass in September with some famous person. I can't remember his name but just type Bimm college on google and you will see for yourself.
Even if you don't want your son to do a music course or if he does not want to music course open days are more fun and it just gives everyone motivation to do something with their life because anything is better than sitting in your room all day. Even if he is already going to college he can still go to the Bimm open day to encourage his friends to go back to college or do a music course as that's better than signing on the dole and being bored to death vegetating at home all day.
Plus Bimm help students to get jobs within the music industry while they are studying and afterwards but they can find out what type of jobs if they go.
Maybe this will interest his friends

His friend's will enjoy it too and maybe even think about going there or any other uni.
If i had children i would make them go to uni or college and not give them a choice by arranging open days for them to go to with their friends and to go along with them too and especially to learn about music aswell as other courses afterwards and i'd make them go to auditions for acting, fim extra, etc because i wish i had done all those things when i left school because it would have given me so much confidence and ambition and that's better than just signing on at a job centre.
If i had kid's i would prefer them to have friends who are ambitious too and don't rely on the dole so i would try to help their friends too if their parents could not get them to do anything.

Your son will meet a girl at college or uni but also you can tell him to just approach girls on the street, train staion, supermarket, shopping mall to talk to them and ask them out or even do this with his friends if he is too shy to do it on his own as this is how i meet people.
I don't need to go to clubs, bars, etc as men have always always asked me out in this way. There's nothing wrong with it as it does not matter how or where you meet someone. And maybe if he did have a girlfriend this will motivate him to do other things and he would have to find the money to take her out by doing a part time job while he is at college.
Original post by Judge Judy
I agree with anonymous to encourage or keep pushing your son to go uni, not sure about the ultimatum bit though cos he might choose to move out but no harm in trying that too just to see what he says because years ago when a work colleague told me the same story about her son that just stays in his room and refuses to go uni or college or apply for a job unless it's to do with inventing new games on x box and she gave him an utimatum to get any job or she will throw him out he told her he would prefer to leave so she did not go through with the threat because she did not want him living on the streets.

But i really wish my mum had made me go uni or college and not given me a choice because i was too scared to apply myself because i was worried i'd end up a loner with no friends but i believe my life would have been so much better and i would have been more confident and be in a good job and have a successful, long term career and been able to aford to go abroad on holidays as i have never been on holiday but if i had gone to uni or college when i left school i would have achieved all of those things. Instead i had zero confidence so just applied for all types of crap jobs But although i did end up doing admin, reception a few years ago but i hated it and drifted into retail, catering, picker/packer etc but i should have just stuck to admin but let an agency find me those jobs but i gave up on applying for admin jobs after i left school because i did not think i was good enough to do that job because my family and other people made me feel like i was not good enough for admin or any good jobs, only ****, low paid jobs.
And i wish that when i left school i had known about jobs like trainee recruitment consultant that requires no experience as even that is better than most of the crap jobs i've had.

I really wish when i left school that i had gone to college or uni to do a music course or any other course but in March or May i went online to look up music courses and saw Bimm music college in London so i arranged online to go on the open day and wrote i would bring 1 guest. I fell out with my friend so ended up going alone but i still had a great time because there were people of all ages there and people with their parents too. It was a great experience and a good day out because we got to see live bands playing then afterwards we got to go to different rooms of our choice to talk to the tutors. I went into the wrong room so ended up in the songwriting room but i'm glad i did because it was so interesting and i decided i'm going to do that next year as i chose another music course first which is learning how to make music on computers, sound engineering.

So you should just arrange online a date to go on a college or uni open day and campus tour for your son and write he is bringing 4 guests which includes yourself and his friends but choose a music course open day first because it is so much fun to see live bands and everyone loves music and can bond over that.
Choose Bimm as they have a college in Ireland i think and they are doing a maserclass in September with some famous person. I can't remember his name but just type Bimm college on google and you will see for yourself.
Even if you don't want your son to do a music course or if he does not want to music course open days are more fun and it just gives everyone motivation to do something with their life because anything is better than sitting in your room all day. Even if he is already going to college he can still go to the Bimm open day to encourage his friends to go back to college or do a music course as that's better than signing on the dole and being bored to death vegetating at home all day.
Plus Bimm help students to get jobs within the music industry while they are studying and afterwards but they can find out what type of jobs if they go.
Maybe this will interest his friends

His friend's will enjoy it too and maybe even think about going there or any other uni.
If i had children i would make them go to uni or college and not give them a choice by arranging open days for them to go to with their friends and to go along with them too and especially to learn about music aswell as other courses afterwards and i'd make them go to auditions for acting, fim extra, etc because i wish i had done all those things when i left school because it would have given me so much confidence and ambition and that's better than just signing on at a job centre.
If i had kid's i would prefer them to have friends who are ambitious too and don't rely on the dole so i would try to help their friends too if their parents could not get them to do anything.

Your son will meet a girl at college or uni but also you can tell him to just approach girls on the street, train staion, supermarket, shopping mall to talk to them and ask them out or even do this with his friends if he is too shy to do it on his own as this is how i meet people.
I don't need to go to clubs, bars, etc as men have always always asked me out in this way. There's nothing wrong with it as it does not matter how or where you meet someone. And maybe if he did have a girlfriend this will motivate him to do other things and he would have to find the money to take her out by doing a part time job while he is at college.


Perhaps I should have been more clear, by ultamatinum I meant make him go to university regardless of where it is or what course. He should study a subject he enjoys at a university of his own choice.

I was just giving an example of my situation, I love 32 miles away from my university. I commute via train 40 minutes roughly then catch a bus there to the university! :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
Perhaps I should have been more clear, by ultamatinum I meant make him go to university regardless of where it is or what course. He should study a subject he enjoys at a university of his own choice.

I was just giving an example of my situation, I love 32 miles away from my university. I commute via train 40 minutes roughly then catch a bus there to the university! :smile:


Damn autocorrect, live*
Original post by asif007
It might sound harsh, but it protects your own feelings/sanity and stops you getting hurt again. Obviously I wouldn't encourage starting uni with this mindset straight off the bat, but it helps to make an effort with people regardless of what you get in return. Pretty soon you'll be able to tell whether people appreciate you or take you for granted. Then you can either move on and stick with the people who are actually loyal and supportive, or you can get fed up like I did. It's just a shame it took me 4 years and failing my course to finally realise who my real friends are and how everyone else is so shallow and self-centred. With regards to the alcohol - if you're in one of the major cities like London or Birmingham, you don't need to worry. Bigger cities and bigger uni's have more open-minded people with different interests and who will make an effort to include those who don't drink. If you go to a smaller regional city and/or one with a majority white population where everything is about alcohol, you might struggle. Being an ethnic minority doesn't help either TBH. But like I said above, it helps to be comfortable with your own company and enjoy doing things on your own when people don't reciprocate your efforts. It's a shame uni can be like this for some people when everyone else is off having a great time with friends, relationships, holidays etc, but what can you do. The problem is with all those people who don't know how to treat people nicely without alcohol. It has nothing to do with us. :s-smilie:


I fell asleep so wasn't able to respond. But damn after reading your posts I'm not surprised at the way you view things in your life now. Is your situation better now? Quite shocked and disgusted actually at how some people can be so cold. Then again if they are med students I guess they wouldn't like to surround themselves with someone who has failed (just my take on it).. But what the actual heck they could have taken a moment out to reply..

As for me I'm just a boring average person. I guess it would be harder for me because I'm not only a ethnic minority but muslim female and pretty conservative...
Original post by asif007
That's not the point of this discussion. I have no idea why that's the first thing you took from everything I wrote. But if you must know, I failed an exam.


I'm sorry I didn't mean to give off schadenfreude vibes....

I'm a potential medic myself and I was just curious.

I wish you all the best of luck with future endeavours
Original post by Anonymous
I fell asleep so wasn't able to respond. But damn after reading your posts I'm not surprised at the way you view things in your life now. Is your situation better now? Quite shocked and disgusted actually at how some people can be so cold. Then again if they are med students I guess they wouldn't like to surround themselves with someone who has failed (just my take on it).. But what the actual heck they could have taken a moment out to reply..

As for me I'm just a boring average person. I guess it would be harder for me because I'm not only a ethnic minority but muslim female and pretty conservative...


It's very simple: how can you be a ****ing doctor when you don't even give a word of sympathy to a friend and colleague? But that's just the type of people who do well in Medicine - they are so overly competitive that they don't give a **** about anything else other than getting the best grades, partying and drinking alcohol. And frankly, I find those kinds of people disgusting. I'd rather die than have any of them as my doctor.
Original post by asif007
It's very simple: how can you be a ****ing doctor when you don't even give a word of sympathy to a friend and colleague? But that's just the type of people who do well in Medicine - they are so overly competitive that they don't give a **** about anything else other than getting the best grades, partying and drinking alcohol. And frankly, I find those kinds of people disgusting. I'd rather die than have any of them as my doctor.


I personally know 4 people who want to go into medicine and my god they are probably the nicest people I know. Then again they havent been given an offer yet. Maybe it's just the people in that place? Never thought medics would be crazy about parting and drinking but they probably need something to stop them going crazy from the immense work load.
Original post by Anonymous
I personally know 4 people who want to go into medicine and my god they are probably the nicest people I know. Then again they havent been given an offer yet. Maybe it's just the people in that place? Never thought medics would be crazy about parting and drinking but they probably need something to stop them going crazy from the immense work load.


Those people might seem nice now, but wait until they get into medical school and you'll see what I'm talking about. Medicine changes people for the worse - people let success get to their heads so they become arrogant and self-centred. Alcohol is no excuse for treating one of your peers like **** but even the non-drinkers I knew have treated me in the same disgusting way. No wonder medics always hang out with other medics - they're all as bad as each other. I'd like to think that future doctors would actually have some compassion and humility for one of their colleagues, otherwise God help us all when we get ill and need medical attention.
Original post by asif007
Those people might seem nice now, but wait until they get into medical school and you'll see what I'm talking about. Medicine changes people for the worse - people let success get to their heads so they become arrogant and self-centred. Alcohol is no excuse for treating one of your peers like **** but even the non-drinkers I knew have treated me in the same disgusting way. No wonder medics always hang out with other medics - they're all as bad as each other. I'd like to think that future doctors would actually have some compassion and humility for one of their colleagues, otherwise God help us all when we get ill and need medical attention.


I'm close with two of them and hope to keep in contact with her when I'm older.. So I guess I'll see how that goes! Your post actually made me think about my group of friends and tbh those two are probably the most decent and I say nice in the sense that they are honest and dead straight people. It's just took me this long to realise that I have a couple of friends that are sly and play games.. I'm in no way perfect either so nvm.

I don't think one of them would actually get into medicine (sounds awful but I have my reasons) the other had wanted it for ages and is quite bright. Her morales and faith are strong and she's the type of person people would come to for advice so I honestly don't see her changing. TSR has really opened up my naïve views.. I'm still pretty shocked (I did stalk and read that thread.. I hope you don't mind).

So much for that compassionate test they make potential med students do 'eh :lol:

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