Are certain things inappropriate in a relationship? Are boundaries bad?

T

Unless you're completely ****ed and don't know whats going on or getting close to that unconscious point.

Sorry but new male friends is a worrying thing for you? That seems a bit ridiculous really. If you trust them with their existing friends, as well you should, then what's the problem with them making new ones? Even if the guy is interested in your girlfriend, so what? You're putting your trust in her, not in him. Being a bit jealous is one thing, actively thinking she shouldn't do that is another.

And in terms of clubbing, I understand from your post that you don't prevent your partner from clubbing, which would cross the line massively, but I'm not sure I quite understand your reservations with it. Realistically, yes, people's inhibitions are lowered with alcohol, but that doesn't mean they're more likely to cheat. Alcohol exaggerates attributes that are there, it won't make someone want to cheat out of nowhere.

Also, drink driving isn't really a good comparison, I don't think. I can see why you'd want to make the point, but driving correlates more towards walking/seeing straight when drunk, it doesn't bear any relation to monogomy.

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My point is if your s/o suddenly makes a new friend of the opposite sex and begins to spend increasing amounts of ALONE time with them, shouldn't you be questioning this behavior?

Well, you're entitled to your opinion, however impracticable it may be


They can be friends, sometimes even friends in a sense that never deviates from the strictly platonic, but this is very rare, and exceptionally rare where girls who are above average in the looks department are concerned, as males are hardwired to hanker after a wide variety of women a la the urge to ‘spread the seed’

They only tend to make a particular effort* when there’s more than a pure, platonic interest there, aye. A small minority of guys are just genuinely friendly and not at all subject to hormones that (periodically) drive them to lust after female companions

Don’t be fooled, many girls understand this, they just prefer not to engage with the truth; more often than not this relates, as you say, to the fact that they like the ego boost/mild thrills involved, plus social/reputational tokens associated with others knowing they have fanboys. Girls are often far more socially intelligent than they let on (unfortunately acting dumb has become a thing, in youth culture), and generally streets ahead of young guys!

If sobriety is all that is stopping you from cheating then the problem is not drinking, it’s you. People are weak/immature/ignorant and get into inappropriate relationships only to wind up cheating and using things like alcohol as an excuse. Never once have I been tempted whether tipsy or not to cheat on a partner, but then I only had my first serious relationship in my mid 20’s so I had done a lot of growing up by the time I was in positions in which I may have been tempted, so I suppose I am viewing this through the prism of maturity/having one’s **** together/knowing what one wants

Respect is everything. As above, love, honour, obey = respect

Doesn’t matter whether they’re new random friends or step brothers they’ve known their whole life, as I said it’s about the type of male you’re dealing with vs. how attractive your girl is

Bottom line: If you know your partner wouldn’t be impressed (were they present), just don’t go there

• Sexual health?

• Emotional infidelity?

• Relationship stability?

• Capacity/incentive to invest in a high quality relationship e.g. particularly one with a future?

• Providing a sound and sustainable inter-relational basis for future matrimony/family?

• Avoiding psychosexual harm associated with high risk/promiscuous behaviour?

• Mitigating other psychological/physiological harm associated with a (vulnerable) girl potentially putting herself in harms way?

• Self-worth and self-respect?

• Expectations of others (e.g. family/friends) and their acceptance/rejection of your partner vs. social reputations?

In other words, you've got trust issues.

If people keep putting themselves in a position where they can fail then it is very likely that they will that is the premise I use when I say that 1 on 1 alone time is inappropriate.
It isn't as simple as you may think, there is a reason why people do things and there are reasons why we interact with people and they differ according to the person and the gender.
My point is if your s/o suddenly makes a new friend of the opposite sex and begins to spend increasing amounts of ALONE time with them, shouldn't you be questioning this behavior? If you know what guys are like - more so in your example when you know for a fact that the guy wants something why would you continue seeing them alone? This is a prime example of putting yourself in a situation where you can fail - what is the logic behind that? If you are faithful and committed to your s/o you should be aware of these things instead of being naive and thinking men and women can be friends etc.
There are no such things as absolutes and I made the mistake in saying that ALL men and women cannot be friends, this is obviously not the case. I do however believe something a long the lines that Foo previously posted which is knowing the biology and science behind these things most men and women cannot be friends.

You agree that alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and I agree that alcohol doesn't make you do something that wasn't already in your mind.My point is that it is in everyone's mind Men and women are sexually attracted to each other - this isn't something you can avoid its biological it is ingrained in our nature to be attracted to one another. Once your in a relationship this attraction doesn't cease to exist because you promised your s/o you wont cheat - it is still present. When you are at the club the only thing stopping me from not making out with another girl is due to me being in a relationship. I know that this is not the right decision to make if I want to continue seeing my s/o therefore you consciously stop yourself from pursuing other people. Drinking alcohol makes you more likely to act on these urges because the inhibition to not do stupid things like make out with that girl are lowered.

Extend this logic to glamour/cam modelling, and you'll have a better sense for why it can cause emotional distress to partners to know their s/o is hanging out with someone who lusts after them/could potentially pounce at any moment (almost no matter how said partner behaves). Never vexed me, personally, but we men are territorial and I can sympathise with this state of psychological funk

Again, you seem to be coming at this from a female perspective. Around 25% of people cheat in long term relationships. With women, this is usually a function of problems in the relationship, whereas with men, this is a strong function of opportunity (irrespective of how their relationship is going). We are hard-wired to spread our seed (to replicate), with women it's the reverse, it's about attracting/securing a man with high security value

For sure, but there’s more to stable, long term, relationships than love alone. There have to be some other binds or what do you have? Unstable, fluid, relations. That might be great while you’re young and idealistic, but once settling down/uniting tribes/starting a family is involved it’s inadequate in the vast majority of cases. Without the monogamous union of matrimony civilisation as we know it will collapse

Condoms existing is no guarantee of anything

Not sure what you mean by this but most people don’t conceive of polyamorous casual lovers as ‘couples’

IKR? Granted, it makes it harder for girls to fend guys off/know what’s going on, but doesn’t transform blokes into cheats!

Sorry but some girls are obviously universally below average/above average. You won’t find a girl who is legit 10/10 to some mentally sound guys and yet 3/10 to other mentally sound guys. Male attractiveness, in the eyes of women, is a lot more subjective, by comparison (trust me, I’m a professional). Related thread

Doesn’t matter what category she may have put them in, either internally, or explicitly, they will often remain keen, and it will remain inappropriate

As I say, I draw the line with behaviour that my partner has reason to suspect would perturb me. Some examples: no problem with her going to the club if she dresses reasonably modestly and has a male chaperone/or really good dependable female friends to look out for her. No problem with her drinking (ideally with me present) so long as she watches it poured in front of her, always covers, and never leaves her drink, and doesn't get more drunk than tipsy. No problem with her spending time 1 to 1 in the company of guys who are unlikely to lust after her or ever make a move

Extend this logic to glamour/cam modelling, and you'll have a better sense for why it can cause emotional distress to partners to know their s/o is hanging out with someone who lusts after them/could potentially pounce at any moment (almost no matter how said partner behaves). Never vexed me, personally, but we men are territorial (and the reality is that this extends to our sexual partners, objectifying as that may be) and I can sympathise with this state of psychological funk

Generally speaking, you're kinda right, although, again, you seem to be coming at this from a female perspective. Around 25% of people cheat in long term relationships. With female cheats, this is usually a function of problems in the relationship, whereas with male cheats, this is a strong function of opportunity (irrespective of how their relationship is going). We are hard-wired to spread our seed (to replicate), with women it's the reverse, it's about attracting/securing a man with high security value (at least for long enough to procreate/give birth/protect and provide for the young)

Not really, no. The fact of the matter is his partner is still choosing to be with him, not any of the guys that are lusting over her, if there are any. So there shouldn't be an issue with it, realistically. It's one thing being a bit jealous, he can't really control that, but being actively against new friendships seems a bit more like alarm bells.

And given it's his girlfriend in question, the female perspective is the 'right' one to be going by, surely?

Having trust in someone doesn't mean they are unable to be questioned. If your bf started seeing other girls 1 on 1 which he had not previously done so - as long as he gave you his word he wasn't cheating would you be happy him coming late from their house? it's okay right? He said he isn't cheating so its cool?
Why is that ok?

Nah pretty difficult for me to cheat because I find one night stands kinda grozz. Need to be good friends with someone before I shag them so cheating while I'm at a club is a non issue for me. I'm sure theres a lot of other people that feel the same. I just go there to dance lol.

Whilst i understand most peoples viewpoints and yours included i wish to explain myself further to avoid being put in to the insecurity category.
To begin with is the issue of insecurity.
I agree that if i were to say all these things to a girl I would sound controlling however, you need to know that these are things that I practice myself. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't go out clubbing therefore making it principle not an insecurity. If i was to stop my gf from doing said things without practicing them myself I would agree with you it being an insecurity as opposed to principle.



Everyone's boundaries are 'not to cheat' but like yourself that seems to be the only boundary and anyone who has more is considered 'someone with issues.' Speaking as a man I truly believe that men and women cannot be friends now the reason why it is appropriate for your gf to spend time alone with guys they knew before you is because if she wanted to do anything with them she would have done so - they are simply friends. If you are in a relationship with a girl and she makes new male friends and then starts seeing them alone e.g their house why is that ok? Men only make effort to see girls alone if they want to pursue something more than friendship with them. I must clarify seeing people in groups is completely fine, if your gf spends time with guys in a group of guys/girls thats fine but why alone? 1 on 1 encounters = effort. Girls don't understand that 99% of guys who have 'girl best friends' are just friendzoned and would jump on them if they could.

But that's slightly off topic - my reason for against 1 on 1 alone time is about respect. If your s/o is meeting NEW friends of the opposite sex and then putting in the effort to see them alone just screams disrespect to your partner. In most cases that guy that your gf is seeing totally wants to bang her and your gf knows this but likes the attention she gets from this guy shes totally just friendzoned - it's just not appropriate.

As for your particular case, it's no different you are now 'friends' with a girl that you had a ONS with which means you both are sexually attracted to each other. You now spend time with her alone as 'friends,' you'd be incredibly naive to think that she wouldn't **** you if she had the chance and you wouldn't have a problem with it either if you weren't in a relationship. If i was your gf i wouldn't be able to understand why you give your precious time to a girl you've previously had a sexual experience with.

Guys only befriend appealing girls and only go out of their way to spend time with them alone if they want sex. This is what it seems to be and also seems to be backed up by biology etc.

There is more to a relationship then just 'don't cheat.' By that definition if your gf was to see a guy every day alone but come back to you in the evening you would be perfectly satisfied? Trusting is one thing but not questioning or giving a **** about ANYTHING your s/o does as long as they promise not to cheat just means you don't really care as you're really not that invested it seems.

It's a principle, it's about respect, it's about knowing how guys and girls interact not an insecurity although I admit in a lot of cases it is. I don't go out of my way to pursue new girl friends for 'platonic alone time at their house' neither do I drink or club or put myself in a situation where my gf is not happy.

Have a look at these videos - they are short i promise.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYQmqxQgEBY

I've got male friends who I've spent time alone with. 2 of whom have both informed me "my partner knows that we're meeting up". She has no reason not to trust them or me.

I can't understand why you'd be with someone you can't trust.

I would only have boundaries once I'm in a serious relationship with a guy and I see nothing wrong with it. That way the guy knows what acceptable or not and I know what's acceptable to him and we can find find some middle ground. I wouldn't let him spend time alone in the company of a woman who liked him or was flirty with him,nor is he allowed to get over friendly with her or talk to her for extended periods,let alone 1 to 1 quality time spending. I wouldn't mind him spending time alone with a female I knew had no hots for him and it was just a purely innocent meet up. He can go clubbing with his friends,and trust that he doesn't get too drunk to the extent that he has to be dragged home an trust that he would never do anything indecent with another girl. And as for exs,I would prefer if he kept contact to a minimum as sometimes these things get out of hand especially if one party still has feelings. Sure,he can contact her but nothing lovey dovey about missing each other. I wouldn't be with someone I didn't trust anyway but all humans are capable of messing up.

I can't imagine sleeping with a guy i barely know so well. How awkward is that,there's no sense of connection of any kind there. You mean if y'all aren't an item yet? If I'm not an item with a guy I would maybe feel alittle jealous if I liked him but he's not mine so he can do what he wants

For sure, but there’s more to stable, long term, relationships than love alone. There have to be some other binds or what do you have? Unstable, fluid, relations. That might be great while you’re young and idealistic, but once settling down/uniting tribes/starting a family is involved it’s inadequate in the vast majority of cases. Without the monogamous union of matrimony civilisation as we know it will collapse

Condoms existing is no guarantee of anything

Not sure what you mean by this but most people don’t conceive of polyamorous casual lovers as ‘couples’

General experience of my partner (respect/trust is earned), discussion regarding boundaries vs. transparency with her, her reputation, and indications of her lifestyle, habits, and social groups, plus the potential for feedback from other social actors

Girls generally filter our guys who are ‘on it’, or these guys don’t wait around to communicate interest/have a crack, and if a girl doesn’t avoid/bin such guys then you have to question whether they are girlfriend material if they think it’s wise to (continue to) spend time alone with such guys

How would you know she definitely didn’t have the hots for him?

Why should that matter in this context?

Not when something extremely valuable is on the line, or when a person puts your well-being ahead of other concerns in life

Some truth in this, albeit that this cumulative love-token total is subject to natural decay, as well as exogenous forces

I’ve touched on why they matter in my earlier response to you (see the numerous bullets, and consider the problem of fatherlessness in particular, for individuals and society more broadly)

No set of institutions and norms will ever deliver perfect outcomes, it’s a matter of striving for optimality whilst accepting certain human limitations. Personally I would most like to advocate for communitarianism, including communal sharing of guardianship responsibilities, but alas this is too abstract to be practicable (as of several thousand years ago)

Ok, so let people act freely, legalise theft, assault, rape? A culture without boundaries is no culture at all, it's sheer animalism

Nonsense. No-one forces anyone to enter into/remain in a particular form of relationship (within the law) in the UK. If people are tempted to shag about then they can steer clear of monogamous relationships until such time as exclusivity is a priority for them – there’s really no excuse for infidelity in this day and age