Longish story but if you have time, please help me.
Hi people of the world,
I have joined TSR mainly because im out of options, I remember posting something on here a few years ago and I remember recieving a lot of helpful feedback so I'm looking to hear your thoughts and suggestions on this, this is my life and it I am going through a very difficult stage so please if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it
It is a long story and if there is anything you pick up on that I miss please comment and I will respond, I'll try to cut this story as short as I can till I get to the main point of this story and how it is I need help.
So I'm with my partner who I've been with 6 and a half years (since I was 16 and he was 17, I'm now 23, him 24). We've lived together in our own house for 4 years till last September when he had a family member pass and we were in a rut and he decided to move down south to live with his dad 3 and a half hours away to be with his family and I found it difficult but decided to go with him.... Then just before new year we broke up and we were having really bad arguments and we decided to call it a day and he basically ended it...
I got my things and left which was a massive stress out because it was a long journey and I had to move all my stuff (also my cat, we have two cats between us, we got them together then had to split them up when I left, I took the closest one to me and he kept the one closest to him).
In this 5 month break up I developed feelings for a guy and we slept together. My ex came back into the picture not knowing and he wanted me back and I told him what had happened and after a couple of days he said he forgives me and he just wants me back.
After a couple of weeks of struggling on a decision of what to do I decided to visit my ex and see how things went and everything was great, he was insecure but that was natural...
I then moved in a couple of weeks after that and brought my cat back.
For the first month we had a few arguments it was rocky but we also had a lot of good times...
Please bare with me sorry it's so long!!
So I've now been here three months, bare in mind I don't have family or friends down here they all live up north... I only have my boyfriend and we live with his dad and our two cats. Over the past two months, his insecurities seem to be getting no better, he lacks confidence and says on a scale from 0-10 it's a 0, he worry a, he gets nervous, anxious etc.
He never used to be like this and I know what happened during our break is the cause of all this, but at the moment the way I feel is I moved down to be with him, I gave things up to be with him, not the worried insecure him that's getting between us... What happened during our break up is tearing us apart and him, which is making me upset and confused.... I miss up north, I miss my family my friends I miss being able to go out and party as I only got to do that during our break up and I enjoy it so much! I find him company to be quite miserable, anxious and boring sometimes because he's down, or over thinking stuff or his insecurities get in the way ... Especially in the bedroom it's at its lowest point
I was thinking of going up to visit my family for a week or a month and see how we go, I used to suffer with bad anxiety and they only disappeared when we broke up and I stood on my own two feet and I explain that to him and that it might work and he hates the idea he doesn't want me to live and it destroys him but it's destroying me seeing him beat himself up, worry, be insecure, frown when he's sleeping every night, having bad dreams, coming in between us.
I was even thinking to live up there for a year and see how it went and do my college up there and him do his here but he thinks I won't come back and if it carries on like this I don't think I would
What do I do ? Sorry for the long one peeps, I just really feel alone down here
I have joined TSR mainly because im out of options, I remember posting something on here a few years ago and I remember recieving a lot of helpful feedback so I'm looking to hear your thoughts and suggestions on this, this is my life and it I am going through a very difficult stage so please if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it
It is a long story and if there is anything you pick up on that I miss please comment and I will respond, I'll try to cut this story as short as I can till I get to the main point of this story and how it is I need help.
So I'm with my partner who I've been with 6 and a half years (since I was 16 and he was 17, I'm now 23, him 24). We've lived together in our own house for 4 years till last September when he had a family member pass and we were in a rut and he decided to move down south to live with his dad 3 and a half hours away to be with his family and I found it difficult but decided to go with him.... Then just before new year we broke up and we were having really bad arguments and we decided to call it a day and he basically ended it...
I got my things and left which was a massive stress out because it was a long journey and I had to move all my stuff (also my cat, we have two cats between us, we got them together then had to split them up when I left, I took the closest one to me and he kept the one closest to him).
In this 5 month break up I developed feelings for a guy and we slept together. My ex came back into the picture not knowing and he wanted me back and I told him what had happened and after a couple of days he said he forgives me and he just wants me back.
After a couple of weeks of struggling on a decision of what to do I decided to visit my ex and see how things went and everything was great, he was insecure but that was natural...
I then moved in a couple of weeks after that and brought my cat back.
For the first month we had a few arguments it was rocky but we also had a lot of good times...
Please bare with me sorry it's so long!!
So I've now been here three months, bare in mind I don't have family or friends down here they all live up north... I only have my boyfriend and we live with his dad and our two cats. Over the past two months, his insecurities seem to be getting no better, he lacks confidence and says on a scale from 0-10 it's a 0, he worry a, he gets nervous, anxious etc.
He never used to be like this and I know what happened during our break is the cause of all this, but at the moment the way I feel is I moved down to be with him, I gave things up to be with him, not the worried insecure him that's getting between us... What happened during our break up is tearing us apart and him, which is making me upset and confused.... I miss up north, I miss my family my friends I miss being able to go out and party as I only got to do that during our break up and I enjoy it so much! I find him company to be quite miserable, anxious and boring sometimes because he's down, or over thinking stuff or his insecurities get in the way ... Especially in the bedroom it's at its lowest point
I was thinking of going up to visit my family for a week or a month and see how we go, I used to suffer with bad anxiety and they only disappeared when we broke up and I stood on my own two feet and I explain that to him and that it might work and he hates the idea he doesn't want me to live and it destroys him but it's destroying me seeing him beat himself up, worry, be insecure, frown when he's sleeping every night, having bad dreams, coming in between us.
I was even thinking to live up there for a year and see how it went and do my college up there and him do his here but he thinks I won't come back and if it carries on like this I don't think I would
What do I do ? Sorry for the long one peeps, I just really feel alone down here
I think you both need to sit down and have a long chat about where you think this relationship is headed. It's not impossible for you to have a success relationship together, but everything needs to be out in the opened and discussed thoroughly in order to progress in a healthy manner. Are you each other's first loves? Do you consider the other guy you slept with to be a "mistake"?
I can sympathize with your boyfriend; whilst I understand you were broken up, it's not easy to hear that someone you love has slept with someone new...especially so soon after a long-term relationship. It'll take him awhile to get over it, especially now that you're back together. It'll take some convincing on your part; I know things aren't exactly great in the bedroom now, but try making him feel like the only man in the world and the only one you want. That is the truth, right?
If you want to do a long-distance relationship then by all means do so, but set out boundaries and stuff beforehand. Talk about it.
I can sympathize with your boyfriend; whilst I understand you were broken up, it's not easy to hear that someone you love has slept with someone new...especially so soon after a long-term relationship. It'll take him awhile to get over it, especially now that you're back together. It'll take some convincing on your part; I know things aren't exactly great in the bedroom now, but try making him feel like the only man in the world and the only one you want. That is the truth, right?
If you want to do a long-distance relationship then by all means do so, but set out boundaries and stuff beforehand. Talk about it.
My dear, my dear. This is not going to work, and you know it. The thing that sticks out in my head is the feeling of liberation you have when you stand up to him, and you fear and anxiety melt away. I feel this sense of maudlin sadness to read this post. It's like wading through treacle to read, so it must be depressing and stressful to live it.
I am sad for him, that he has such problems, but his insecurity is never going away. The poster above says "work on it", but why? 6 years is time served. This is the shape of it. These patterns are long-term, and you will be this way at 33 and 34. It takes guts to understand that a thing has run its course. You've put the work in, and your relationship has lasted longer than most marriages. Get out now! You are not his therapist, and not his mother. He needs professional psychiatric help to get his through his issues, and you can help him with this - as a friend. Again, the notion suggested prior to my post of a "long-distance relationship" is disastrous, and will only amplify feelings of fear and doubt that run through the man. This relationship is over. You even came back, which was a huge mistake. The only question is whether you have the courage to call it a day.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I am sad for him, that he has such problems, but his insecurity is never going away. The poster above says "work on it", but why? 6 years is time served. This is the shape of it. These patterns are long-term, and you will be this way at 33 and 34. It takes guts to understand that a thing has run its course. You've put the work in, and your relationship has lasted longer than most marriages. Get out now! You are not his therapist, and not his mother. He needs professional psychiatric help to get his through his issues, and you can help him with this - as a friend. Again, the notion suggested prior to my post of a "long-distance relationship" is disastrous, and will only amplify feelings of fear and doubt that run through the man. This relationship is over. You even came back, which was a huge mistake. The only question is whether you have the courage to call it a day.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by sund1ata
My dear, my dear. This is not going to work, and you know it. The thing that sticks out in my head is the feeling of liberation you have when you stand up to him, and you fear and anxiety melt away. I feel this sense of maudlin sadness to read this post. It's like wading through treacle to read, so it must be depressing and stressful to live it.
I am sad for him, that he has such problems, but his insecurity is never going away. The poster above says "work on it", but why? 6 years is time served. This is the shape of it. These patterns are long-term, and you will be this way at 33 and 34. It takes guts to understand that a thing has run its course. You've put the work in, and your relationship has lasted longer than most marriages. Get out now! You are not his therapist, and not his mother. He needs professional psychiatric help to get his through his issues, and you can help him with this - as a friend. Again, the notion suggested prior to my post of a "long-distance relationship" is disastrous, and will only amplify feelings of fear and doubt that run through the man. This relationship is over. You even came back, which was a huge mistake. The only question is whether you have the courage to call it a day.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I am sad for him, that he has such problems, but his insecurity is never going away. The poster above says "work on it", but why? 6 years is time served. This is the shape of it. These patterns are long-term, and you will be this way at 33 and 34. It takes guts to understand that a thing has run its course. You've put the work in, and your relationship has lasted longer than most marriages. Get out now! You are not his therapist, and not his mother. He needs professional psychiatric help to get his through his issues, and you can help him with this - as a friend. Again, the notion suggested prior to my post of a "long-distance relationship" is disastrous, and will only amplify feelings of fear and doubt that run through the man. This relationship is over. You even came back, which was a huge mistake. The only question is whether you have the courage to call it a day.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Trust me there has been a few times especially in the past week where I have just wanted to get my things and go. But he is so madly in love with me, he always has been always will be and I know it will multiply his worrying. I love the guy, I just can't see him in this state anymore. I wake up to 10 messages today stating he's going to change. But I've heard it before and our sex life is at a point where it just rock bottom.
We have spoke about it for the past week, we spoke about it yesterday and then everything was great...
Then we tried to make love last night and it lasted all of 3 minutes ish... We have spoke about it a lot, I have spoke about my feelings and I want to go up north and it just adds pressure.
Then we tried to make love last night and it lasted all of 3 minutes ish... We have spoke about it a lot, I have spoke about my feelings and I want to go up north and it just adds pressure.
Anyone else?
I think that you should both end the relationship...
By writing this post you know that it is not going to work, I feel you just wanted validation. You say that you do not want to hurt him by leaving, as you say his problems may become worse, but sometimes you have to hit rock bottom for things to start to get better.
His problems may come from the pressure of trying to make the relationship work like it use to. When it doesn't it would make things worse, like a vicious circle.
In the future you both will probably be happy (definitely more so than now). Even if you only become happy it is still better than two being miserable.
Hope this helps.
By writing this post you know that it is not going to work, I feel you just wanted validation. You say that you do not want to hurt him by leaving, as you say his problems may become worse, but sometimes you have to hit rock bottom for things to start to get better.
His problems may come from the pressure of trying to make the relationship work like it use to. When it doesn't it would make things worse, like a vicious circle.
In the future you both will probably be happy (definitely more so than now). Even if you only become happy it is still better than two being miserable.
Hope this helps.
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