Why didn't you wait/why aren't you waiting? (Premarital sex) Had to repost x

Hey everyone,

This is a repost since with the first thread I had created the paragraphs I had added did not appear in my response.

May I start off by saying, this isn't directed to those who don't want/are not planning to get married in the future ) Anywhoo, before anyone starts assuming this is a religious post, not exactly. I'm not the religious type, with an agenda as some say and this isn't a judgemental post or me trying to belittle anyone because of their personal decisions but me trying to understand how others are thinking concerning this as I'm quite confused.

I hope you wouldn't mind me starting off by sharing my own thoughts and what lead me to ask this. Well, earlier today, I stumbled across a facebook post as I was online which lead to me to read an article that was talking about sex and how long people should wait before having sex in a "new relationship". Then as I was going through the statistics and some of the comments underneath the article along with comments on facebook, I was quite shocked.

I know waiting until marriage isn't the popular 'choice' but to me it seems perfectly rational (I get judged for saying that but I'm open and happy to say it because I really do think it is truly rational). When I mean marriage, I mean the decision and commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone. And when I mean sex, I mean intercourse. (Not that I am trying to exclude gay couples from this conversation but the comments were of men and women who are straight, so it had me thinking.) Then when I say I am waiting until marriage to have intercourse, people automatically assume I am religious but I am not. I think I am spiritual but as of now I follow no religion. Why I like the idea of waiting is because I know this sexual experience would be with someone I am comfortable with, in the process of spending the rest of my life with and I wouldn't mind getting pregnant with my husband.
Maybe I'm weird, but I don't want many sexual relationships before finding the 'one'. I just want the 'one'. I was told people are afraid of sexual incompatibility but let's be honest, no couple would be 100% compatible in bed or if they are, certainly not all the time since changes follow with life along the way. Libido changes with age etc so it takes work and communication. And I think a person's attitude to sex is what's more important which you can find out without actually sleeping with the person. Plus not everyone that is waiting are virgins.

I was asked, don't I have the urge to feel pleasure but I already do experience pleasure anyway. And not to brag but I know my body and how to sexually please myself. I don't see masturbation as taboo, I'm all for it and if people waited until marriage to masturbate then I would see that as 'extreme' since it's healthy, if you're doing it alone it's impossible to catch STI, no chance of pregnancy or risking feeling attached to another individual who may not be right for you but with the same toe curling happy ending.
That's probably why I don't feel the need to not wait because I feel sexually comfortable and satisfied alone. So it may sound odd but "virgins" have orgasms too. I don't feel that I need someone to orgasm but it seems some do. At here's the thing, my friend who has had sex has never had an orgasm while I've never had intercouse but have and do. So when people tell me it's to experience pleasure, well intercourse isn't the only way. In fact many women seem to need more than just intercourse with added stimulation while having intercourse to orgasm. So it's not that I'm coming from a religious perspective as I agree with masturbation and expressing your sexuality.

I just can't understand why people who want to get married in the future would be vulnerable and do it with someone they are not married to though they want to get married in the future. Maybe people think, they'll end up marrying the person later but you can't never know unless you are already married to them. Then once you are married, the people you shared this experience with will be exs and only your husband or wife would matter to you. Then not that you cannot get divorced when you are married but the chances are slimmer because you've already established a relationship to where you want to make that lifelong commitment with each other, possibly raising a family compared to someone you were dating before you had made the decision to spend the rest of your life with them.

Then finally, though we've advanced and technology has allowed humans to have sex without procreating, sex and procreation still go in hand together and link. Naturally, not just with humans but with other species and animals sex leads to new life and offspring which is why I couldn't have intercourse with someone who I feel wouldn't be there in case I do get pregnant since no contraceptive is 100% effective. You may say, well abortion but honestly speaking if an accident like this did happen to me where though I'm married but wasn't seeking a child at the moment, at least I would feel like I have my husband who is planning on staying with me and my child , to help me support my child though it wasn't planned. My friends who are having sex with their boyfriends said they wouldn't dare get pregnant because their boyfriends would leave, not only because of their career but why settle for a guy that would treat you this way. Sorry for the long post, but I had to explain this in detail lol.

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Reply 1

RooshVee

So you're saying you don't crave male attention and can pleasure yourself sufficiently ?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by RooshVee

So you're saying you don't crave male attention and can pleasure yourself sufficiently ?

What does male attention have to do with this? Would you mind explaining and elaborating :smile:

Wait, actually first off what do you mean by male attention? If you mean having men approaching me, I do recieve 'male attention' but I don't crave it. I don't mind it but it isn't something I am craving or always seeking. To the second part of your question, yes. I feel very intune with my body and I've always have. I've always wondered the hype about intercouse. I'm sure it is a pleasurable, experience but it isn't the only way to achieve a pleasurable experience.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Ahh, there's actually something wrong with my laptop. Excuse my typos and all sorts

Reply 4

Moura

i will repost my reply

i personally felt the urge to have sex (which is a very normal urge) before i ever had it and after that i enjoyed it and still get that urge. that's why. i don't personally view sex as something sacred or special... although with the right person and right timing it can be. that person doesn't have to be the person you spend the rest of your life with because theres a hundred other contributing factors to who your "life partner" is going to be (and who can guarantee you're gonna want to spend the rest of your life with one person anyway). having sex before you have sex with your "future spouse" doesn't diminish or lessen how special it it with your spouse. actually the opposite i think if you've had sex with 100 people and it was meaningless it kind of makes that 1 special person more meaningful.

although i think for psychological reasons people should wait until they're 16 or older to have sex provided its with the right person (or at least thats what im teahing my kids) i don't think "viginity" is a thing other than the purely physical moment of it being the first time you put the P in the V. it doesnt actually mean anything. if you wanna do it then do it.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by Moura

i personally felt the urge to have sex (which is a very normal urge) before i ever had it and after that i enjoyed it and still get that urge. that's why. i don't personally view sex as something sacred or special... although with the right person and right timing it can be. that person doesn't have to be the person you spend the rest of your life with because theres a hundred other contributing factors to who your "life partner" is going to be (and who can guarantee you're gonna want to spend the rest of your life with one person anyway). having sex before you have sex with your "future spouse" doesn't diminish or lessen how special it it with your spouse. actually the opposite i think if you've had sex with 100 people and it was meaningless it kind of makes that 1 special person more meaningful.although i think for psychological reasons people should wait until they're 16 or older to have sex provided its with the right person (or at least thats what im teahing my kids) i don't think "viginity" is a thing other than the purely physical moment of it being the first time you put the P in the V. it doesnt actually mean anything. if you wanna do it then do it.

Hiya

Yea, I know the urge is normal. I mean, a sexual being should desire sexual activity so in no way am I against that or saying it is taboo. Maybe I should rephrase my question. For me, as someone who is also a sexual being, I crave sexual activity, not exactly only intercourse but sexual activity ranging from kissing to that itself. But my desire to have intercourse is not there compared to the urge to masturbate because with masturbating there are no risks at all with still the 'happy ending' . With intercourse, I feel like because of the possibility of children, getting attached in relationships, STIs though the chances of these can be reduced it is still a possibility so waiting unto marriage to have intercourse doesn't seem as bizzare (not saying you said this) in my opinion as some make it to be.
There are a hundred of contributing factors to who your life partner will be but that's the whole point, doesn't that emphasise what I am saying as waiting allows you to look and focus on these 'a hundred contributing factors'. It's these factors that will make you fall in love with a person, wanting to make that life commitment so I'd think people would want to wait as they would believe, they've found the 'one' who they wouldn't mind risking having children with or raising a family with, someone who they are extremely comfortable with.
Not that what you're saying doesn't make sense because it does but if you're not planning to marry a person, though you do want to get married in the future, that means at one point you're planning to leave them?

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by loveleest

Didn't read that huge paragraph, sorry. Will answer your question anyway.Growing up in a religious household, and going to a conservative christian church, I felt like it was absolutely vital for a women to save herself for her husband. For that reason, I grew up telling myself that I would not have sex before marriage.Fast forward a few years now, and I am 18 and no longer religious and now I don't think it's necessary to "save" myself. Firstly I don't even know if I am getting married lol and so that would be impossible. And I am not sure if I want to marry someone that I am not sure if I am sexual compatible with.Sometimes I think that "saving" yourself has toxic implications. I think too many religious (girls) place too much of their worth on virginity and often would rush into marriage to have sex because of sexual frustration. The fact that it's mostly vital for a women to save herself for a husband like it's addressed in abrahamic religions, that means that a lot of these religoous girls are literally going to be marrying these men that have slept with a bunch of women but then practically demanding virgins which is stupid as hell.This is just my stance on the whole thing.

Hey, thanks for responding xI agree to some extent. I think how religions, especially certain churches are teaching sexuality is toxic because in my opinion, sexuality is something to be celebrated and expressed. The only bit I disagreed with is sexual incompatibility statement though I understand it. I often hear the testing a car before buying anology but now thinking about it, even with this, you can never be sure that you will always be sexually compatiable in your marriage (that's if you want to get married). What I was saying before is, people still experience sexual incompatibility in marriages even when they're had premartial sex as sex seems to need constant work, some attention and communication. When couples mature, going through new life stages as they go further in time in their marriages, they realise their sex lives back then before marriage or when they were newly weds wasn't exactly the same maybe with kids, added pressure, drop in libido or hormonal changes which normally happens with time.In my opinion, rather, it seems to be the attitude of someone is what couples should look out for. I'm hoping to find someone who desires to please me as much as I desire to please them so this way, not being selfish so we are both happy in bed. This you could tell, even without having sex with someone. I did. It seems only impossible to tell when people/couples who are not having intercouse, do not speak about it.Though I'm waiting in the sense that, I will not have intercourse with someone who isn't my husband, when dating I will do what I have always done in the past, speak and address sex. I mean why since I am planning to eventually enter a sexual relationship. I will want to know how they view sex, their own body, my body, do they feel open to try any kinds of sexual activity, have they had a sexual experience whether intercourse or not since intercourse isn't the only sexual experience a person can go through and even their fantasises. I don't believe in the term 'virgin' anymore either because it gives the impression that people who fit this category cannot have the slighest clue about their bodies and sexuality.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by bluemadhatter

I'm just answering the question in the title and didnt read that whole long thing. I didnt wait because the first time it happened, it wasnt really my choice and therefore everything after was just like "well its already done now I might as well" otherwise I think I would have waited longer or at least until I got into a long term relationship because i dont think i want to get married and sex is important in a relationship because it advances that closeness and intimacy.

Lol, I'm so sorry about how the post came out earlier, I had added the paragraphs, not sure what happened...not that my post isn't still lengthy haha but thanks for responding. I see, it wasn't really your choice? Oh. Hope is wasn't assault or anything non consentual.
I understand. Hope you don't mind me asking but when you had said that you do not want to get married, do you mean never or not at the moment or you're not planning for it even after you've felt you've found the 'one' and if so why? :smile:

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by bikiniikilll

Didn't read the whole thing.Sex is the easy part,u can have pleasure and all that before marriage. But giving your heart to someone (which I think it's completely important in marriage) that's the hard part.Posted from TSR Mobile

Hmm. Interesting, so you wouldn't mind having sex with someone you don't love as it's mainly a pleasurable experience for you or is it more? Not that I am diminishing what you are saying but I could understand this if like masturbation, intercourse had 100% no chance of any risks but in my head, I usually thought people wouldn't mind being opened to these risks with someone they love. Maybe I'm living in my own fantasy world. I wouldn't mind masturbating with someone else in that sense because it is pleasurable and I know it's merely a pleasurable act but intercourse? Good grief. Lol I just couldn't. Aww, giving your heart to someone is difficult.. sigh, I agree with that one.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by jamesthehustler

because my romance game was on point

LOL alrighty then.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by Moura

just my opinion hun, we've all got different brains, cultures and upbringings so we aren't going to agree on everything. doesn't mean that rudeness is required.

Exactly. Though we have different opinions, I didn't think it was necessary for her/him to make such a respose to you.

Reply 11

Anonymous #2

From experience, sex feels more pleasurable than masturbation, even if I don't have an orgasm. Unless you use certain sex toys, there are areas that you might not have stimulated before. The posterior fornix is another exogenous zone other than the clitoris that I didn't know existed until having penetrative sex for example.

It's not just the physical aspect, but the mental aspect of trusting someone enough to be at your most vulnerable side with them. I have great respect and love for my partner and learning how to pleasure each other is very rewarding. Then, after sex, we can just cuddle up together and talk about life.

I never felt like I needed marriage to do that. I'm not sure if the relationship will last forever, but I make the most of it while it's there. The uncertainty of the duration of our relationship actually makes me appreciate it more. As someone who too often takes things for granted, it's actually better for my relationship.

Also, if it does end, I'll be more confident and knowledgeable about sex with my next partner.

To me, marriage is optional. I have known several couples who can't really afford a wedding, and aren't married, but are in successful and committed relationships with a family and everything.

Sex isn't a finite resource, I don't think it has to be shared with only one person. Other people could teach you a lot of things about sex that you didn't know before. It's an intimate learning experience.

Reply 12

RooshV

What religion are you op

Reply 13

RooshV

Original post by Anonymous

What does male attention have to do with this? Would you mind explaining and elaborating :smile:

What do you mean what does male attention have to do with this? That is self explanatory. Im talking about male attention as in males giving you sexual attention rather than you going on about how you prefer to masturbate

Reply 14

Drunk Punx

Let's assume that there's two primary reasons for having sex:
- Hedonism.
- Chemical bonding between two people.

Surely it's more rational to have sex for those two reasons (ie; self-pleasure and chemically drawing the relationship in a more intimate direction) than it is to limit yourself to waiting until you've gone through an arbitrary and archaic ceremony?

Reply 15

Abstract_Prism

If you wanna have sex, have sex. There's no reason to wait.

Reply 16

unprinted

Original post by Anonymous

For me, as someone who is also a sexual being, I crave sexual activity, not exactly only intercourse but sexual activity ranging from kissing to that itself. But my desire to have intercourse is not there compared to the urge to masturbate because with masturbating there are no risks at all with still the 'happy ending' .

It seems odd to say that, for example, oral sex with someone is ok, but that intercourse isn't.

You're also risking elevating intercourse to something that is so special that the reality can't live up to it. Is there really such a difference between having someone's fingers or tongue inside you and having their penis?

Reply 17

Anonymous #3

I wish I could have sex before marriage :frown:

but if my parents found out they would go ballistic and no other man would want second hand goods :frown:

I feel this barrier of I can't have sex before marriage automatically limits who I can have a relationship with and I bet I'll just end up with someone my parents are strongly encouraging me to be with.
What's so frustrating is my mum doesn't even see any flaw in her thinking no matter how much you reason with her

Reply 18

chris_mm

I just don't see any point or logic in it. I'm kinda old fashioned, so i'm not against it at all, but you love someone, you're living together, you're bonding.. you'll wait after marriage (whenever it will happen in the future) to have sex? It's a huge part of intimacy, you're together for years before marriage and you don't do anything sex-related?

Also what unprinted mentioned above: It looks stupid if you're having oral sex for example, but you wouldn't want regular intercourse because it's "against" your beliefs. The two things are basically the same thing.

Reply 19

_gcx

Study Forum Helper

Original post by Anonymous

I wish I could have sex before marriage :frown:

but if my parents found out they would go ballistic and no other man would want second hand goods :frown:

That's absolute ********, and the type of ******** you'd hear from abstinence-only education. There is no barrier, it's likely some delusional adult likely decided to scare the **** out of you as a vulnerable child.