Why didn't you wait/why aren't you waiting? (Premarital sex) Had to repost x

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My response to hedonism, so intercourse is the only way to achieve this? I think not and I don't find masturbation limiting as you don't need to worry about unwanted pregnacy, STIs or anything but pleasing yourself. Plus there are many ways to go about 'self loving'. Why I'm all for it, is because of this. Pleasure without any risks.
This is where masturbation couldn't compare, and that is to chemical bonding. In all honesty, I just don't feel interested or compelled to chemical bond with a person in that way unless we've made that commitment and we're in the process of living our lives together. It may seem absurd to some and maybe it's a defense mechanism I've created to avoid being in a situation similar to that of my loved ones, my bestfriends. I just can't trust a man enough to that extent to where I want to 'chemically bond' with him until he's vowed and expressed he has the desire to always be there for me. That he wouldn't just run away if I became pregnant after my contraceptive for some reason failed to work as it happens though rare. I've seen guys do this to girls to where they've pressured them to have an abortion which made me weary of who I will sleep with. A husband on the other hand, most of the time even when the pregnancy is unplanned wants to be there for his wife to help support his child and raise a family. I've seen boyfriends who measure up to this standard and I am happy for those couples but this isn't always the case for others and some leave because there was no lifelong commitment or vows made so he isn't obliged to stay.

I get you, but I'm going to offer another viewpoint...

My parents were happily married for 28 years until my dad cheated on my mother. Theres nothing to stop your other half going off with somebody else, no matter how much you trust them. Is your desire to only ever give yourself to one person or to be in a relationship where both of you have never had sex outside that relationship?

And, the other thing is, I know a married couple that had an unplanned pregnancy and he left the woman, because they weren't ready for the baby (financially, emotionally, mentally). If having the child is not a decision that you've both sat down together and made, your partner can be unpredictable - he may want to keep it, she may want an abortion because she's not ready, he may want her to have an abortion but she doesn't want one. Having a child is one of the biggest ties in your life, bigger than marriage. It's not hard to see that divorce can be the easier option sometimes...

Having said that I also know a couple who had a one night stand and got a baby from it (despite her being in a awful mental place, on the pill, him being a huge druggie, etc ), they got engaged and stuck together. Shes in a much better place and hes off the drugs. Amazing isn't it.

I think the point I'm trying to get across is that I don't see marriage as a hugely important vow, because I've seen the vow be broken. If you've picked a bad egg, he's going to be bad regardless. And if you've picked a good one, not being married isn't going to affect that. I completely understand saving sex until you're far into a relationship, if you're the kind of person that's shy etc., ,But waiting for marriage isn't my thing.

Reply 41

Anonymous #1

Original post by chris_mm

I just don't see any point or logic in it. I'm kinda old fashioned, so i'm not against it at all, but you love someone, you're living together, you're bonding.. you'll wait after marriage (whenever it will happen in the future) to have sex? It's a huge part of intimacy, you're together for years before marriage and you don't do anything sex-related?

Also what unprinted mentioned above: It looks stupid if you're having oral sex for example, but you wouldn't want regular intercourse because it's "against" your beliefs. The two things are basically the same thing.

I think this is the only scenario that had me thinking. It's true and I agree since what you had described, I guess is a serious relationship. But the reality is, most don't even wait for that scenario. I don't think I would mind so much in that sense as it takes a level of commitment to live your lives together and being there long term. At the same time however, I'll still fear maybe he doesn't see me as a possible wife or someone he could see being there with till the end. Also, I once read some article concerning cohabitation with them saying 'cohabiting couples faced higher chances of divorce' which bottered me a little. It didn't make sense to me at first but maybe it's something I should consider.

Quick question though, do most people move in with their partners before getting married to them? I like the idea of moving in with someone I plan on being with long term but at the same time, I've seen situations where the girl or even guy wants to make the marital commitment but their partner is comfortable with how it is so doesn't want to make the same commitment or doesn't want to make such a commitment because they don't see a possible future with him or her.

The unprinted bit you had mentioned, I never once said. But whether or not it's stupid is another thing.

Reply 42

username927016

I'm not religious or anything so don't really feel it's necessary to wait.

Reply 43

Anonymous #4

, I just came across this thread and I found it very interesting feel like the OP is just like me in some ways not religious but spiritual but also questions about sex before/after marriage

My parents are very religious and I'm raised as a Christian, in my church you're not allowed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and you can only get married, however the problem is I can't just marry a person I don't even know I need to get to know them before I can make that choice

I feel like I'm one of the few Christians like this I'm also not allowed to wear trousers (as it's an abomination for woman to wear men garments) which I struggle but I got used to it and people always asking why I always why I always wear trousers but I always think about wearing trousers but my parents will be really angry if I wore it

sorry for the last paragraph it started to turn really personal but I feel like saying this x

Reply 44

bluemadhatter

Original post by Anonymous

Lol, I'm so sorry about how the post came out earlier, I had added the paragraphs, not sure what happened...not that my post isn't still lengthy haha but thanks for responding. I see, it wasn't really your choice? Oh. Hope is wasn't assault or anything non consentual.
I understand. Hope you don't mind me asking but when you had said that you do not want to get married, do you mean never or not at the moment or you're not planning for it even after you've felt you've found the 'one' and if so why? :smile:

Marriage just seems bleh tbh... with the rates of divorce and paperwork but I do kinda want a wedding so I might change my mind in the FUTURE FUTURE. Like after I've been with someone for AT LEAST 3/4 years.

Reply 45

Drunk Punx

Original post by Anonymous

That's fair enough, each to their own.

I just can't trust a man enough to that extent to where I want to 'chemically bond' with him until he's vowed and expressed he has the desire to always be there for me. That he wouldn't just run away if I became pregnant after my contraceptive for some reason failed to work as it happens though rare. I've seen guys do this to girls to where they've pressured them to have an abortion which made me weary of who I will sleep with. A husband on the other hand, most of the time even when the pregnancy is unplanned wants to be there for his wife to help support his child and raise a family. I've seen boyfriends who measure up to this standard and I am happy for those couples but this isn't always the case for others and some leave because there was no lifelong commitment or vows made so he isn't obliged to stay.

I've cut the first part of the paragraph because it isn't relevant, but as for this part: you're aware that marriage is now where near as big a sanctity as it used to be, right? Hence the much higher divorce rates compared to what they used to be.

Even if you get married there's no guarantee that you'll stay together just because you're married (it's a weak reason to stay with someone if you're in an unhappy relationship). Better to cut your losses and move on with your life, married or not. Even if you're married to him he still has no more an obligation to stay with you in the face of an unplanned pregnancy than he does if the two of you were unmarried (unless he's rather religious and would see divorce as a slight against god or some **** anyway).

Personally, I think you're unnecessarily limiting yourself by waiting until marriage, but whatever floats your boat.

Reply 46

Drunk Punx

Original post by Anonymous

This isn't Old Testament times. Get yourself away from these poisonous cretins if you ever want to live a happy life where you, not someone else, controls what you do.

Reply 47

Anonymous #5

Wait for marriage or "the-one-you-will-have-as-a-life-partner-but-not-necessarily-marry" seems like an awfully traditional view, particularly the first one which seems to be borne from a religious book telling people it was a sin to make the beast of two backs with someone you're not married to. At the time I assume was an attempt to prevent rampant pregnancies, but as we have access to all kinds of birth control, this reason is no longer relevant.

By specifically waiting for this one person to come into your life you are putting sexual relations on a nearly sacred pedestal which I don't think they need to be on. Plus, you could spend your entire life searching for that one person and never getting it, while turning down offers of shorter term partners, which wouldn't be fun at all.

Without wanting to go into too much detail, I lost my virginity to my girlfriend, who at the time I had been with for about two months and would eventually be with for about two years. Now, I can't stand the sight of her and if I ever see her again it will be too soon. But I absolutely don't regret having sex with her. It's an important part of any serious relationship, as well as being very fun.

Reply 48

Anonymous #6

Honestly, I did wait until I was 20 and felt mature and ready, mentally, emotionally and physically. Didn't crave it as much even though i supressed the ones that came now and again and I knew that I was one to always initial any sexual activity with my partner. But, sex wasn't somewhere I wanted to go with them. Ended up breaking up with my 10 month old boyfriend, got into uni, had 2 flings and found my current bf and sex just felt extremely natural and essential for our relationship and deep connections - both mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Reply 49

Anonymous #1

Original post by 1010marina

This made me think.
I'm so sorry about your parents situation. This is what I fear happening and erks me about entering any sort of relationship. Giving that trust and having it violated. I know this is personal and I don't mean to interfere with your parent's business but are you sure that your parents were always happily married for that long? Is it possible that, at one point, though they may have seemed happy to you that they were not? I find it frightening how someone could be in a happy marriage but still cheat though I'm sure it is very possible since people have freewill, they are their own individual persons and could do what they want. I just imagined with any relationship, when you are happy you are loyal to your partner.
I remember speaking to an aunt who I see like a sister and close friend that specialises in marriage counselling and therapy.
She's always explained 'not that cheating is excusable but usually there are deeper issues that need to be sorted out within a couples relationship', especially in relationships as serious as marriage and after researching more into the topic, this seems to be true. I remember reading articles stating "48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated" then reasons such as he's just a liar or confused about love. I apologise, I don't know your parents so I apologise if it seems that I am trying to tell you what you should think about the situation.

Then man that left his wife because she has an unplanned pregnancy, not to sound rude but he certainly did not marry at the right time. When most people get married, they aim to be ready financially, emotionally and mentally plus are aware to the possibilities of having children or may want children. If you are not ready financially, emotionally and mentally- making such a commitment wouldn't be wise of the person because he/she still needs to sort things out before oathing till death do part. I don't think marriage was for him. Most people divorce because of reasons as you explained, cheating and even marrying too young or having unrealistic expectations in their marriage. But divorcing their wife because she's had an unplanned pregnancy seems outrageous. He shouldn't enter such a relationship if he isn't ready. I feel so bad for his wife. I made a promise to myself, though I want to get married I am in no rush and I have to be ready finanically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually in the sense that I am ready for such a commitment. At the moment, heck no. I'll probably not marry until I am 26.

'Having said that I also know a couple who had a one night stand and got a baby from it'
Aw, I'm happy for them but I'd like to know, would they have married if she didn't get pregnant or did they marry only because she got pregnant? Not to say they wouldn't last but a one night stand meant that they were strangers so if their relationship is based on the baby, it could be a rocky situation as a relationship needs more. I doubt this would happen to me lol. If I tried this, let's just say guys these days, especially the ones in my age group who are young and experimenting many of them just seem to want to hit and run especially those just looking for one night stands and hook ups. It's why I seek those looking for serious relationships and ones who want to settle.

'I think the point I'm trying to get across is that I don't see marriage as a hugely important vow, because I've seen the vow be broken. If you've picked a bad egg, he's going to be bad regardless. And if you've picked a good one, not being married isn't going to affect that. I completely understand saving sex until you're far into a relationship, if you're the kind of person that's shy etc., ,But waiting for marriage isn't my thing.'

Good point. But where I differ is, I do think it is an important vow and that people shouldn't make such vows unless they mean it. I agree, I've seen it get broken too but I've seen it work very well too. One of the best relationships I've seen is that of my aunt, the marriage counsellor. Yea, I guess it is her field but not all counsellors in this field have successful relationships. She showed me how divorce could be prevented, that it isn't like a disease that happens overnight but gradually. Her and her husband are so open it's crazy, literally the talk about the most trivial of things lol but they've also been together for years and they waited until they were engaged (not married). It's ok if it isn't your thing but I see many benefits of waiting. Not that a relationship is determined by this because there's more to a relationship than sex but waiting allows couples to see each other in a different light and build a sort of communication, from my experience and seeing others experiences, a communication that seems strong. I love how they fell in love without even having sex because a lot of people thought it was impossible but they proved them wrong. And you asked would I mind only experiencing one partner, heck no lol I do not mind, especially if it's the love of my life. Long response again, shucks. .

Reply 50

Anonymous #1

Can I just say, I find it typical for people to assume that I am religious though I've stated on many accounts that I am not. What is difficult to understand about that I do not know. You do know, though I am not an atheist and though few, there are even atheist out there who believe in waiting also? So this isn't about religion. Typically religious people wait but I am not religious, I do not identify with Christianity, Islam, Judaism or whatever religion is out there. I do not believe in the Quran, Bible or any religious texts but I do believe that we are more than physical beings which came from personal experience. It seems like it is easy for people to judge those who decide on taking this route. More judgement seems to come with decision to wait rather than to not wait. Please don't shove me into a category. I didn't with you so please don't do it to me. Just accept that I am a non religious person who believes in only having intercourse with the person you have decided to commit to long term/life long.

Reply 51

Anonymous #1

Original post by Multitalented me

I'm not religious or anything so don't really feel it's necessary to wait.

Ok. I understand. But it's not only religious people that see it necessary to wait. I'm not religious either.

Reply 52

drowzee

I got to a point where I was comfortable with my bf and thought 'what the hell'? I don't see sex as a big deal, but at the same time, it increased my feelings for him. It feels good and increases the closeness and intimacy, so I don't see the point of waiting.

Reply 53

username927016

Original post by Anonymous

Ok. I understand. But it's not only religious people that see it necessary to wait. I'm not religious either.

Yeah, I mean religion does play a big part though. I understand people might want to wait for other reasons, & that's not a problem, so long as they don't look down on people who prefer not to wait until marriage. virginity means different things to different people at the end of the day. I feel although it's probably better with someone you deeply love it's not the be all & end all :smile:

Reply 54

Anonymous #1

Original post by Drunk Punx

That's fair enough, each to their own.

I've heard this argument many times before but first off, I'd like to say that I think people focus way too heavily on divorce rates rather than the reasons. Focusing on the reasons is extremely benefical as it could even tell other couples areas to look out for once they've decided to enter such a commitment. I'm totally aware of the society's high divorce rates but you need to understand divorce isn't like an illness that suddenly creeps up on couples overnight but a process.

I feel that couples should focus on the reasons and work on them instead of worrying on the rates. Wanting to make such a commitment to someone you love isn't the problem to high divorce rates but with society, it's many reasons and how it is dealt with. The rates just tell us society's attitudes towards marriage, divorce, and how they may deal with certain issues they may face in their relationships in general. Many of the reasons have solutions and a lot of the reasons can be worked on to where divorce can be prevented, not just because of preventing sake but prevented to where couples could still be together happily. It's reported 73% divorce due to lack of commitment, 56% too much arguing, 53% infidelity, 41% was lack of preparation for marriage while 29% was abuse. Out of the ones I have listed, in my opinion for safety reasons I wouldn't advise someone to stay and work on an abusive relationship because it is risky as their life usually is in danger. I don't think cheating is acceptable either mainly because trusting that person again would be difficult but oddly enough I've read people's life stories on how this helped saved their marriage. I doubt I could ever do it, but I guess that's their choice.

I read this and smiled as this explains what I am trying to say so well, mind you it is quite chunky sorry:

"What does the word commitment suggest? It usually evokes a strong sense of intention and focus. It typically is accompanied by a statement of purpose or a plan of action. Very often, we utilize this word in regard to proclamations we may make about the seriousness of our relationships.../In such circumstances, what exactly are we saying? We take it for granted that the word or the expression means the same thing to all of us. I can assure you that it doesn’t..../These offerings of relationship commitments are typically statements about behavior or proposed outcomes. For example, “I’m committed to you” suggests that I may not be seeking another relationship or that I’m going to be monogamous.
The institution of marriage is most identified with the pledge of commitment. It is an undertaking of legal vows to substantiate our pledge to fidelity, if not continued love..../The difficulty is that we’re making promises about behaviors and outcomes, but ignoring the process necessary to achieve that goal. Imagine a student offering a commitment to attaining straight A’s but not devoting themselves to their studies. In relationships, the outcomes that I’m referring to are notions such as continued love, happiness and fidelity. It is mindless to think that we might achieve such outcomes if we don’t focus on the process required to reach this lofty goal..../For example, what might happen if we committed to working on and sustaining our levels of emotional intimacy and learning the necessary tools to support that process? Or if we prioritized our intimate relationship by actually valuing the relationship over the less important things that seem to get in the way? I often ask couples if they’re talking about their issues with one another and disappointingly they suggest that they haven’t time."

In my spare time, people may call it an obesession but I read things like this to understand relationships better in the hopes that it would benefit mine and make me a better partner. Waiting isn't just not having sex. I think people misunderstand me when I say waiting but it's proritising major fundamental aspects of a relationship first such as communication. People may see sex as fundamentally important but I really do think there's more. I'm not talking about celibacy but simply waiting until you find someone ready to make such a commitment. Yes, it isn't what will guarantee me a successful marriage but it has certainly helped on focusing and emphasising fundamental aspects of a relationship.

The limiting myself statement, I don't understand this statement. In what way? Do I have to have sex with other people for it to be considered as not limiting myself? What if I'm not interested? It may seem shocking but the desire really isn't there even if I forced myself to try having this desire. I see attractive men everywhere but it's odd, when I see them it isn't yea he would be good in bed but he is handsome and that's it. I would need more to feel the want to have sex. Like I said, I only want to have sex or make love with someone who loves me, sees a future with me and has promised/vowed to be there since anything could happen. I need to see the commitment. Sex to me isn't only physical but emotional too and though I don't follow a religion I believe it is spiritual too.

I could have sex with a guy I'm not serious about but it would be like simply masturbating again. I just don't want to have sex to feel like I'm not limiting myself. This doesn't mean divorce is impossible but it says something about the way a person sees you and what they want if you haven't even slept together and they've expressed their want to make such a commitmennt. Maybe I'm over romanticisng everything but I really do not have that desire. I do desire pleasure but that is different and I can do this alone, the other I can't. Pleasure I could have easily but the love and commitment I'm seeking to give and have returned is a bit more difficult to find. Just my opinion but I respect your opinion too x

Reply 55

Anonymous #1

Original post by Multitalented me

Yea, I get where you are coming from. And in no way do I see people who think differently about the topic as inferior or anything it's just, it is something I am trying to understand because initially I sincerely did not and even now I'm still a bit trying to. I still though have respect for those who choose to not wait.

The only thing is, I'm not really talking about virginity. There's the whole debate on what is a 'virgin' and I don't agree with any of it's concepts. I'm only using this label upon myself because I've been told by others on countless of occasions that apparently a virgin is someone who has never had vaginal intercourse or hasn't had their hymen broken but this definition is stupid in my opinion.You know what, haha this is a whole another topic that I could go on talking about.
So as confusing at it sounds, waiting really isn't about virginity or being 'pure' to me. Also thank you for being understanding. You'll be surprised at how much the other round it is, let a guy say that he is waiting and see the reponse he'll get. It's pathetic actually. People are using this as an insult. Even with girls, they sometimes experience a similar response, I certainly have and I find it annoying that people automatically assume I have been indoctrinated (don't mean you)
though people are a lot more accepting of girls waiting than with guys waiting.

Reply 56

username927016

Original post by Anonymous

Well I guess the people who don't wait feel ready to & I don't see anything wrong with that so long as it's consensual, no one's cheating & adequate contraception is used. Yeah Guys do seem to get the short straw when it comes to virginity, certainly in western society & as you mentioned girls can be looked down upon as well by some idiots. At the end of the day, it's a personal choice, & I don't see any problem if someone wants to or doesn't want to wait so long as they're not harming anyone. I can understand both perspectives :smile:

Reply 57

Tobssss

You don't have to be married to someone to know you love them... Plus lots of married couples still get divorced

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Reply 58

~Tara~

I wanted to wait until marriage. Then I worried no one would want to wait that long, especially when they discovered I was damaged goods.

Such a beiatoful state of mind I was in. I was sexually abused for majority of my childhood and I just felt like if I didn't offer it, it would be taken anyway. I still wanted to feel loved though so we waited a month or so.

The hymen is a pointless measure of virginity. I was born without one. Some don't break because they stretch to accommodate the penis and others break when riding horse or bike

Reply 59

Allie4

i couldn't control myself. it had to happen. if i had to wait until i was married i would have gone crazy.

i've always been pretty highly sexed, have the hormones of a teenage boy so i knew it was going to happen at some point. i lost it at 19 which is amazing considering i was ready to lose it at the age of 14!