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Already hated by flat mates...

So I moved into my accomodation on Monday. I came quite late, so I didn't get to meet anyone from the flat. I have still yet to meet/talk to anyone. I hear people around, but whenever I'm in the kitchen there's no one there, and I don't hear a lot of movement.

Well, until yesterday, I was taking the lift, and two people started walking up the stairs. It was quite awkward because I realised they were in my flat when they came the same way as me. Then I hear one of them say, 'this is why I took the stairs,' from behind me, and I assume that is quite clearly about me. I don't get it. I've never spoken to these people, and now I don't even want to.

When I first came here, I was determined to meet them, constantly standing in the kitchen/hallway, but now I'm really afraid to. It's worse for me because I have really bad anxiety, so I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. It's so bad that now I avoid the kitchen, and haven't been back since. I've never had a lot of friends, so when I went to uni I wanted to put myself out there and actually try to socialise, but I guess the same will always happen to me. I was stupid to think that anything would change, and I would actually make friends.

To top it off, I met people from the building, and even they don't want to know me. I put myself out there by asking this girl I was talking to if she wanted to go out, she said today that she couldn't, and I know that she's lying. Even if she isn't, I don't dare to ask her again, and I know she won't ask. I asked another girl too, and she has read my message and not responded.

I came here with high hopes, expecting it to be different. I have tried so hard, pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but it doesn't pay off. I always end up being hated/the loner. People always say to put yourself out there, get out of your shell, then you'll make friends, but this isn't working for me at all. When I'm quiet I don't make friends, when I actually try, I don't make friends. I don't know what else to do. Anyone have advice? Or does anyone have anxiety too?
(edited 7 years ago)

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You sound completely paranoid.

Go down the supermarket and buy two bottles of Rosé, a bottle of prosecco, some Pringles and some glasses. Sit in the kitchen or common room with your beatspill on, and get down to it. Invite everyone that passes to partake. You should get to meet people, and if you don't, you'll be blasted and won't care.
(edited 7 years ago)
Reply 2
Avatar for Save.Me
Save.Me
OP
13
Original post by Trinculo
You sound completely paranoid.

Go down the supermarket and buy two bottles of Rosé, a bottle of prosecco, some Pringles and some glasses. Sit in the kitchen or common room with your beatspill on get down to it. Invite everyone that passes to partake. You should get to meet people, and if you don't, you'll be blasted and won't care.


Good plan, but I can't exactly drink every single time I want to socialise. I want to make friends, not just know people for one night and never speak to them again.
Remember that you likely go to an institution with thousands of people with similar ages than you. Housemates that you get is usually complete random but you can always go and find your own group of people. Play sport or join a society, volunteer or become a course rep, opportunities are endless!
Original post by Save.Me
Good plan, but I can't exactly drink every single time I want to socialise. I want to make friends, not just know people for one night and never speak to them again.


If you don't start off with getting to know people in the first place, you'll just be in a spiral of awkwardness.

I'll be honest - I think this is just you overthinking absolutely everything. I would say you should simplify things to the immediate future and leave it at that.

Tonight - drink some vino and talk to people once had a few glasses.

That's it. I don't see the point in making projections further than that.
Reply 5
Avatar for Save.Me
Save.Me
OP
13
Original post by robot-unicorn
Remember that you likely go to an institution with thousands of people with similar ages than you. Housemates that you get is usually complete random but you can always go and find your own group of people. Play sport or join a society, volunteer or become a course rep, opportunities are endless!


How would I find my own group of people, lol? Wait until I start university? I'm just scared because I have no one to go to freshers events with because of this
Original post by Save.Me
How would I find my own group of people, lol? Wait until I start university? I'm just scared because I have no one to go to freshers events with because of this


You are not the only one in that situation, trust me. In fact, part of the spirit of freshers is that everyone is a bit nervous and majority of people have not found their group of friends yet. Just go, drink a bit and relax. Try to speak as many people as possible and above all: REMEMBER TO STAY POSITIVE! :smile:
Reply 7
Avatar for Jane122
Jane122
2
What uni u go to?
From what you have written, it seems as though you have a case of social anxiety. You mention that you feel like a 'loner' and that you feel as though people are deliberately avoiding you because they 'hate' you.

I have felt similar feelings, but just try to think logically. There is no reason for people to hate you, people are probably avoiding you because they're as shy at meeting new people as you are etc... As robot-unicorn concluded - stay positive!

Using another example, you say that:
"I put myself out there by asking this girl I was talking to if she wanted to go out, she said today that she couldn't, and I know that she's lying"
How do you know she was lying? It could have been that she was tired, or homesick, and didn't feel like socialising.

Also, don't let one person saying 'no thanks' put you off. You have to keep talking to others anyway. Eventually, you'll find somebody that you feel comfortable talking with. It's just that it might be the 50th person you start a conversation with!

You also seem to over analyse situations. You have to learn to do things just for the sake of doing them. Talk to that classmate in the corridor. Period. Don't try to predict the outcome, because you'll imagine a catastrophe, and back out. (I find the motto 'Screw it 'n Do it is really helpful here lol)

I found reading a book on how to overcome social anxiety really helpful, so it might be of use to you too. Its called 'Overcoming social anxiety and shyness" by Gillian Butler.

Good luck!! :smile:
You should have knocked on doors and introduced yourself as soon as you arrived, but its not too late. Go and do that now, try to have introduced yourself to the whole flat by this evening.
This. Is. My. Worst. Nightmare.
Original post by littlenorthernlass
This. Is. My. Worst. Nightmare.


How can they hate what they don;t know is there? :wink:

Spoiler

Original post by ChaoticButterfly
How can they hate what they don;t know is there? :wink:

Spoiler



They'll know I'm there alright. I'm going to say yes to everything.

And really?:cry2:
Original post by Save.Me


Well, until yesterday, I was taking the lift, and two people started walking up the stairs. It was quite awkward because I realised they were in my flat when they came the same way as me. Then I hear one of them say, 'this is why I took the stairs,' from behind me, and I assume that is quite clearly about me. I don't get it. I've never spoken to these people, and now I don't even want to.



bruh.. you trippin, just say hi when you're in the kitchen cooking or something, introduce yourself and just ask about them and be interested. You're in your head so much that it's making you paralyzed, and you're probably lying to yourself when you say you don't even want to talk to them
Original post by Save.Me
So I moved into my accomodation on Monday. I came quite late, so I didn't get to meet anyone from the flat. I have still yet to meet/talk to anyone. I hear people around, but whenever I'm in the kitchen there's no one there, and I don't hear a lot of movement.

Well, until yesterday, I was taking the lift, and two people started walking up the stairs. It was quite awkward because I realised they were in my flat when they came the same way as me. Then I hear one of them say, 'this is why I took the stairs,' from behind me, and I assume that is quite clearly about me. I don't get it. I've never spoken to these people, and now I don't even want to.

When I first came here, I was determined to meet them, constantly standing in the kitchen/hallway, but now I'm really afraid to. It's worse for me because I have really bad anxiety, so I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. It's so bad that now I avoid the kitchen, and haven't been back since. I've never had a lot of friends, so when I went to uni I wanted to put myself out there and actually try to socialise, but I guess the same will always happen to me. I was stupid to think that anything would change, and I would actually make friends.

To top it off, I met people from the building, and even they don't want to know me. I put myself out there by asking this girl I was talking to if she wanted to go out, she said today that she couldn't, and I know that she's lying. Even if she isn't, I don't dare to ask her again, and I know she won't ask. I asked another girl too, and she has read my message and not responded.

I came here with high hopes, expecting it to be different. I have tried so hard, pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but it doesn't pay off. I always end up being hated/the loner. People always say to put yourself out there, get out of your shell, then you'll make friends, but this isn't working for me at all. When I'm quiet I don't make friends, when I actually try, I don't make friends. I don't know what else to do. Anyone have advice? Or does anyone have anxiety too?




Sorry but you sound completely paranoid.

1. You are going to find it easier to make friends if you are confident , so smile a bit.
2. The flat wont have bonded that early, simply doesnt happen like that.
3. If its the first week, then why not invite them out for a drink or cook a meal or just leave some cakes in the kitchen and introduce yourself, even if its a note saying hi, who you are the fact you havent bumped into them but you are still keen to get to know them.
4. Some flats are communal, some flats font gel or it takes time. Your backup plan is to make friends with people off your course as well as joining societies and activities.
5. Most of the people are in the same situation as you, keen to make friends and dont know anyone. Thats why you just need to get out there and do the activities, talk to people, smile, be sociable but dont overdo things.
6. If you go around being paranoid all the time it will get in your way. Plenty of time yet and everyone will be doing things like going to freshers week, pub, enrolling or joining societies.
Original post by littlenorthernlass

And really?:cry2:


Yes :tongue:
Keep hygienic, be approachable and friendly, and gifts of food & drink always help.
Original post by Cremated_Spatula
Keep hygienic, be approachable and friendly, and gifts of food & drink always help.


This is the greatest comment today.
Original post by Save.Me
So I moved into my accomodation on Monday. I came quite late, so I didn't get to meet anyone from the flat. I have still yet to meet/talk to anyone. I hear people around, but whenever I'm in the kitchen there's no one there, and I don't hear a lot of movement.

Well, until yesterday, I was taking the lift, and two people started walking up the stairs. It was quite awkward because I realised they were in my flat when they came the same way as me. Then I hear one of them say, 'this is why I took the stairs,' from behind me, and I assume that is quite clearly about me. I don't get it. I've never spoken to these people, and now I don't even want to.

When I first came here, I was determined to meet them, constantly standing in the kitchen/hallway, but now I'm really afraid to. It's worse for me because I have really bad anxiety, so I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. It's so bad that now I avoid the kitchen, and haven't been back since. I've never had a lot of friends, so when I went to uni I wanted to put myself out there and actually try to socialise, but I guess the same will always happen to me. I was stupid to think that anything would change, and I would actually make friends.

To top it off, I met people from the building, and even they don't want to know me. I put myself out there by asking this girl I was talking to if she wanted to go out, she said today that she couldn't, and I know that she's lying. Even if she isn't, I don't dare to ask her again, and I know she won't ask. I asked another girl too, and she has read my message and not responded.

I came here with high hopes, expecting it to be different. I have tried so hard, pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but it doesn't pay off. I always end up being hated/the loner. People always say to put yourself out there, get out of your shell, then you'll make friends, but this isn't working for me at all. When I'm quiet I don't make friends, when I actually try, I don't make friends. I don't know what else to do. Anyone have advice? Or does anyone have anxiety too?


You are overthinking things too much. I understand because I've struggled with severe anxiety for years and years.

The main thing that works for me is trying to list more logical reasons for others actions words etc

For example the girl who said this is why I didn't take the lift. I say this all the time when I get to my floor and see someone waiting for the lift not because I hate them, but because I'm glad I didn't wait ages for a lift that is going to stop at other floors before it gets to me.
If that doesn't work for you maybe consider the fact that she hasn't met you, so how could her comment be related to you if she doesn't know what you look like?

The second one who said she couldn't do something today. Think of all the times you have told someone you can't do something. Maybe you feel a bit ill, tired, just don't fancy it, have other plans, the inviter has no solid plans etc. Yes technically it's a lie but it's not spiteful or rude it's normal. You need to talk to her some more.

I hope you can find a way to work pass this, because believe me the more you work on it the easier life becomes.

The first thing I'd do is knock on at least one of your flatmates doors in the next day. Introduce yourself, ask about them and their course, and if you run out of things to say then talk about how nervous you've been. I've lived in halls for two years now and that is one of the most common topics of conversations you hear in the first few weeks

Good luck
Original post by Save.Me
So I moved into my accomodation on Monday. I came quite late, so I didn't get to meet anyone from the flat. I have still yet to meet/talk to anyone. I hear people around, but whenever I'm in the kitchen there's no one there, and I don't hear a lot of movement.

Well, until yesterday, I was taking the lift, and two people started walking up the stairs. It was quite awkward because I realised they were in my flat when they came the same way as me. Then I hear one of them say, 'this is why I took the stairs,' from behind me, and I assume that is quite clearly about me. I don't get it. I've never spoken to these people, and now I don't even want to.

When I first came here, I was determined to meet them, constantly standing in the kitchen/hallway, but now I'm really afraid to. It's worse for me because I have really bad anxiety, so I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. It's so bad that now I avoid the kitchen, and haven't been back since. I've never had a lot of friends, so when I went to uni I wanted to put myself out there and actually try to socialise, but I guess the same will always happen to me. I was stupid to think that anything would change, and I would actually make friends.

To top it off, I met people from the building, and even they don't want to know me. I put myself out there by asking this girl I was talking to if she wanted to go out, she said today that she couldn't, and I know that she's lying. Even if she isn't, I don't dare to ask her again, and I know she won't ask. I asked another girl too, and she has read my message and not responded.

I came here with high hopes, expecting it to be different. I have tried so hard, pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but it doesn't pay off. I always end up being hated/the loner. People always say to put yourself out there, get out of your shell, then you'll make friends, but this isn't working for me at all. When I'm quiet I don't make friends, when I actually try, I don't make friends. I don't know what else to do. Anyone have advice? Or does anyone have anxiety too?


This is what happens when you watch too many teenage dramas and start overthinking literally every aspect of a social situation.

OP, go to the club and get turnt. Or buy some cards and get everyone together to play a drinking game. Or, get a movie on the go for people to watch.

There are societies you can sign up to if you think you want more likeminded people in your life and just by walling around campus exploring you may see random people floating about - why not rock up to one of them and strike a conversation? They'll no doubt be in the same situation as you of not knowing much or not knowing many people.

Lastly, just try not to analyse how others perceive you so much - just find an opportunity to jump in where you can.



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