I just need some advice

The very fact my laptop tried to autofill the title with two different titles suggests to me that I have posted in this forum before, and I have no recollection of one of those times, and very little of the other time. Oh gosh okay here we go

so in 10 days time I am going back for my second year of university, I am sharing a cute little house with one friend, close to the uni.

she keeps sending me messages basically saying she keeps having dreams that I am doing weird stuff when we live together and that she's scared and keeps saying 'what if you do something weird' and I keep telling her I'm fine.

But I guess I'm terrified because there were several times last year where fine really wasn't the word to use. One night all my flatmates were out and I ended up curled up on the floor in a blanket screaming for someone to help me...what for I have no idea....and I just remember being so so scared...I couldn't think straight...the next day I called my mum in floods of tears begging her to come visit me, but she didn't take it seriously (as she put it 'you've always been a stress hea')

several times I'd wake up to 30+ post it notes over the walls saying pretty scary things. I've got documents on my laptop, and notebooks full of...I don't know? written conversations with myself? I really don't know. It's not like a diary. A diary would make sense, and would be full of 'I' not 'you and we' in reference to myself apparently. It's like someone else writes these things.
To be honest I'm not entirely sure whos writing this.

This isn't me. I'm the girl who laughs and jokes with her family, is probably slightly too loud, is the loudmouth of the friendship group. I'm happy...I'm communicative. I go out with my family, have a good time. It's not like years ago when I was upset and I had to FORCE myself to be these things. It's natural...it's ME.

Yet alone...I don't know who I am. I don't know where my thoughts are coming from, much less what I am typing. I wake up in the morning to horrifying conversations from the night before where I'm like 'why why did I say that?'. I want to type 'she' but there is no 'she' 'she' is me whether I like it or not. But it's the constant dialogue in my head. It's so constant and been going on for so long I've forgotten if it's normal or not? I guess the conversations in my head have stopped bothering me...it's the one's that end up outside my head.

I was walking the dog about a week ago (it's the only time I leave the house alone because I don't like being alone) and on the way back I find myself muttering 'you can do it, it's okay, we're nearly there' 'come on sweetie, it's okay, almost over' or most worryingly 'it's okay Venus, keep going'. My name isn't Venus. I have never been referred to as Venus. I have never wanted to be called Venus. Venus is a 'character' I created 5 years ago for roleplaying purposes when I was about 15. Why the hell was I saying her name? Why the heck was I talking at all? I really don't know how long I'd been doing it, and thankfully no-one was around (other than the dog, but she doesn't care).

Like I'm used to having to talk myself through things when alone. Out loud, like "It's okay...you can do this...just one step at a time...you'll feel better if you do it". Again that's just normal in my eyes.

This has lost all sense of structure once again. But yeah I've been 'diagnosed' with anxiety (and/or depression. The doctor never made it clear to me, just shot two different anti depressants at me and told me that 'you're a lovely girl you deserve to be happy') for several months now. It's not something I really accept. I just feel like it's me being lazy/ridiculous. I used to be able to sit in classes for 3 hours, why can't I manage a 50 minute lecture? I used to be in school for 7:30am why can't I make 12pm lectures? I'm just lazy. Looking for excuses.

I feel like none of this is stuff I can talk about to anyone. It sounds crazy. It doesn't feel real? I'm so confused what is and isn't real any more. I can't tell truth from fiction. It all blurs into one. I dread dreaming because it will get muddled up with real life. The nights are the worst. And anytime I am alone. It's like being different people...but not. I'm AWARE it's all me. Even now I'm wondering if this is all a lie. If I'm making this all up to be 'interesting' but what would the point of that be if I'm posting this as anon? Maybe this is all to hide the fact I am a very boring person? But if so...surely I'd let on to someone. I'd let people see...I wouldn't hide the evidence.

I know you're all going to tell me to tell all this to the doctor, but I CAN'T. Because 'she' will go to the doctor. And once around people I'll flick back into that mode where I am smiley and happy and able to function. I'll be too scared to talk about this side, and 99% of the time I'll be convinced this side of me doesn't exist, that it's a one off. Heck 'she'll' probably forget about me entirely. I've tried writing messages to give to the doctor, but she won't hand them over. I've tried filming myself when I break down, but she'll delete the videos. I KNOW this happens. I know it does. But everything is so muddled and I can't trust my own perception of reality. How can I trust myself? A girl who will have an hour long argument with herself in the mirror? Then snap out of it when someone walks into the room.

I don't know anymore. i really don't. How am I supposed to tell what's real and what's not? How can I trust myself? I'm so lost and scared for what I could do...Please...I need advice.

Reply 1

999tigger

Of it were me I would be very concerned to identify whether I had a mental health issue beyond just anxetu or depression.
You could show your Dr this post or you could contact Mind and see where you could get a diagnosis.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/telephone-support/#.V9CUBzWWx9M

I would deal with the issue before going back to Uni. I would delay my start until I knew I was in a safe reliable place.

Its ok talking to yourself, bit taking it to the extreme and talking to iaginary people is a different matter.

Reply 2

phantzm

You need to immediately call a friend or family and tell them about this or tell them to take you to the doctor and explain your situation to the Dr. It must be someone you trust. This sounds very serious and far beyond just anxiety or depression. Sounds somewhat like MPD, which is why you MUST confide in someone else who can be there to help you when you will not allow yourself to be helped. Please for your own sake, do not allow yourself to ignore this one bit further. Do whatever it takes to get medical attention as soon as possible regarding this matter. Good luck, wish you all the best.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by 999tigger

My doctor is back at uni anyway. I'm 99% sure I'd never do anything to hurt someone else, like I said, I can snap straight back into 'normal' if someone is around me.
It destroyed me to tell my mum that I'd been diagnosed with anxiety. She's got severe depression, my sibling has just been diagnosed with aspergers. We've just sold the house I've grown up in so uni is going to be quieter than home. And if I am going to get help...I don't want my family to know.
I don't know. Whatever I said last night was probably a huge exaggeration. *If I have control to be okay around people I can't be that bad

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by phantzm

It doesn't feel like I have different personalities. It's more like...I don't know...that I feel very distanced from myself sometimes?

Telling someone isn't really something I feel like I can do. That would make it too 'real'. I've tried several times to tell my doctor...I once collected all those scary post it notes and put them in my bag and not the bin, so I could just hand them over...but I couldn't do it. Even this feels...weird....fake even. I don't know. Like if you knew me in real life I come across being totally normal.

Reply 5

Mazzii342

Have you heard of split personality disorder before? It's like you are two (or sometimes more) different people. If you don't remember having these conversations it's very possible you have it. It's like you turn into a different person, but then when you are back to yourself, you don't remember what the other 'person' did or said. Most people with this disorder don't think that they have it because they don't even remember anything of the other 'person'. I know you say you can't speak to someone but you really need to, it's a really big deal if you have it, but it doesn't have to be a big deal once you get treatment.

I saw you said it doesn't feel like different personalities, and if you remember everything that happened, but feel like it wasn't you, it's possibly schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder, which again means you should get urgent help so you don't harm yourself or others (mainly yourself). Maybe you think you won't because you would never do that, but by what you describe, you might not even know what you do, you might be in a completely separate frame of mind. Part of psychosis is the feeling of detachment from yourself. Like it's not you, sometimes you might feel like you are looking at yourself from a different perspective, like an out of body experience, then when you get back to yourself, you're confused and disorientated.

I'm no doctor I am literally a student, in my second year just like you! So don't take my word for it and don't stress too much, I just used to read up on all these things when I was feeling depressed and other things, then they just kind of stuck with me. Nevertheless it's still obviously an issue because you've said it's worrying you and that you don't feel yourself. The likelihood is you can go on some medication and feel a lot better. You don't even have to tell your parents at first if that is what is worrying you, you can go to a local doctor by where you live in your Uni house, and just tell them. It will be difficult but I want you to feel you have a control of this rather than it having control of you. Good luck x

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

I just feel so stuck...I don't know what to do...I want to tell the doctor, but I never manage it, I've tried several times. I'm my own saboteur

Reply 7

phantzm

I'm afraid the only thing that people can do virtually to help you here is give you advice. The prevailing advice seems to be that you alone would not be able to deal with this issue you are having, and need to take the help of a doctor. It comes down to you now. I'm sorry there is not much else we can say or do, and it is quite unfortunate but you will somehow have to get yourself to tell a doctor about this. Find anyone who can help you do this if you alone will not be able to accomplish this. Again, stay positive and good luck!

Reply 8

ritahayworth

maybe look up dissociative indentity disorder in detail sweetheart? it doesn't always mean you have a "split personality", it can also mean you have a dissociated personality state. if that doesn't seem relevant perhaps you are just going through a form of psychosis or severe dissociation, depersonalisation, or derealisation. identifying what your issue is could be a key step into finding out how to fix it - if that makes sense. i can't offer any other advice than to seek professional or even emotional support (aka family/friends) but i know that's something you don't think is doable so i can only say this much. be strong x

Reply 9

Lizzipth_Floyd

Original post by Anonymous

I just feel so stuck...I don't know what to do...I want to tell the doctor, but I never manage it, I've tried several times. I'm my own saboteur

Could you print your post out and hand it to the doctor? I know it is scary but it really sounds like you need to get help. I struggle with dissociation and have recently been diagnosed with DID, and I can relate to parts of what you have written. The right help can be found as I am just entering therapy specifically for DID.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

I've filled in a self referral form for the counselling service at my university. So I guess I can try that.

Everything is just pitted against me it seems. My housemate has failed first year...so I'm faced with living completely alone or with a complete stranger in a tiny house....that's something I don't think I can deal with

Reply 11

ritahayworth

Original post by Anonymous

that's a start though!! hopefully things move forward and someone can help you out. i really hope things get better for you. i'm here if you need a talk ever