Messed up my life and haunted by what could have been

I have to say I agree with the others that have called this out as a pity party.

Everything from the fourth line onwards was an excuse or put the blame on someone else for your failures.

Dust yourself off, pick yourself up and get on with it. People have much worse stories than you and manage it without so much self pity.

Try an OU degree. you dont need any prior qualifications or previous educations and theyre really easy to get onto.

Hmm, I understood the post a little differently -- I thought that OP meant that she was doing her best to apply herself but struggling academically at first, but lost motivation as she just couldn't achieve the high grades she was achieving before, causing her confidence to drop. You may be right though.

That's true, you didn't say that about it being hopeless; apologies for the miswording. I should have written that in a separate post.

Thank you for the permission to disagree I don't want to pick a forum-fight or anything, just to make sure that we're all understanding the OP properly and so giving the most suitable advice we can.

As I understood it, OP's problem is not only that she is struggling to apply herself now, but that her difficulties in applying herself stem from other difficulties which were there before and might still make exams more difficult even if she were to fully apply herself again.

I considered this but I think with everything given I'd benefit more being in an educational environment. I will need guidance from teachers and I don't trust myself to get the best results on my own. Are all ou courses from home or can you go to a campus of some sort?

Hi,
I'm 19 going on twenty. My biggest fear in life is not making anything of myself, but lately that's what I see my future becoming and it's scaring me. The worst part is being shadowed by my past failure. from secondary school I got into my boroughs best sixth form. My parents were thrilled as was I. From there I was studying 4 a levels. Everything was fine. Until suddenly i went from getting A's in my GCSEs to Ds and Us in my alevels. I didn't know where I was going wrong my confidence took a giant hit and no teachers helped me to improve. Infact if anything I got the impression they needed some people to fail to make the others look good. From there I lost motivation and had numerous problems during my academic years including losing a family member and having trouble with a student to the point where the police got involved. Unsurprisingly I wasn't let back and my mum was devasted. She was and still is dissapointed in me, and so am I for letting her and myself down. I then entered a new college, but again I had major issues at home and lost another family member. However I tried to strive on, during the last month of college I flunked so all two years of hard work went down the drain. I could have easily pushed on and got into a uni but if I can't commit to a levels how can I commit to a degree? I hate education and genuinely have no motivation for anything anymore. I feel like all talents I have are gone and now I just do a full time retail job. But what kills me
Is seeing all my friends go off to uni thriving in their social life's and getting somewhere when I know I have so much potentional. I am not stupid. However I Struggle to apply myself to anything. But I realise what I could have been, a very happy girl with lots of friends meeting lots of people and getting good qualifications. Despite the fact I'm not dumb this education system basically has it so that if your not in the system you've practically failed life in the eyes of everyone. I thought of doing things like YouTube, travelling, taking up hobbies but everything I'm bad at or don't feel good enough in now. It kills me to know what I could have been and where I am now, left behind from all my friends. The worst thing is I don't feel like I have any options. I want to do animation(the art design part) or study psychology but there's no apprenticeships in this. To go to uni I'd have to beg my college to let me finish that last month so I can actually have a qualification but I'm too ashamed of myself. Even my teachers said they were dissapointed in me. I'm not saying for sympathy, I want to take action to better my life and seeking guidance is my first step. I don't know what my options are or where to turn to but I really can't live my life like this anymore. any suggestions are more than welcome.
Thank you for your time reading this

Firstly please forgive me because I haven't read it all, I just skim read your post and from the bits that stood out and I can relate a lot to you.

I honestly am strong believer in all things happening for a reason, even the things that could have been prevented because the point is that you they weren't prevented and now your in this position, you can only evaluate your position in life and learn from it.

I'm 18, I know how you feel about the fall in GCSE to A-levels, but the upset you feel right now is giving you perspective believe it or not. I must say that you have youth and health (hopefully) on your side to completely change your circumstances, if you really are sick of the life your living then it's not too late AT ALL to turn it around, in fact I encourage you to because life is too short to feel like you do. The opportunities are endless tbh.

But reading your post, I don't really think it's about "What opportunities are available to me?" but more so "I'm suffering from low self-esteem and sadness, what do I do?" and honestly speaking it is good to feel like you do from time to time because it keeps you modest and it teaches you so much. Failure, sadness and pain make you learn more than all those pleasurable moments in life.

Everyone has a different story to tell and nothing lasts forever, so please really look into what you want to do and find a way to get there (even if it takes you an extra few years), and please don't compare yourself. You are unique and your circumstances are different to the next person, so why expect to live like them?

I hope you find you way out of this dark cloud, but gosh you are so young and please have faith in yourself that you will. As you said yourself, you are far from stupid and you know you have the potential, so what have you go to lose? go ahead and find something that makes you happy. The opportunities are endless.

You genuinely took the words from my mouth. You understand my post 100 percent correctly! I did try to apply myself but my grades weren't pulling through. While everyone around me
Effortlessly got high grades I was very behind and struggled to understand why given my
Results at secondary school. Teachers gave me no guidance or help even though they knew I was failing only reminded me how bad my work was. I blame myself for not seeking help then of course but it's too late now. I think I was just so baffled that I was failing badly and couldn't understand why that I was too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help. When my mum asked me how college was I would lie and say it was fine. Again my fault I know but I've learnt from this. However like you said I don't know how to apply myself back into education now and I'm still worried that the difficulties will get the better of me. I have considered counselling but again slightly ashamed and I've lost hope in trying. No amount of talking to someone will change anything. Thank you for your post! It's comforting to know someone understands where I'm trying to come from. I know I've made mistakes but i want to do better now! I know I should have made more of an effort and not of allowed myself to drown in pity and depression but I did. Now im feeling the consequence of it, I take full responsibility for my past actions and I want to change.

Thank you for this reply I really needed this! Reading it made me teary. I'm frustrated of the position I've gotten myself in and more frustrated that I let it get to this point. But it wasn't till when I was writing my original post That I actually realised how damaged my self esteem has gotten from this and maybe my problems route abit more deeper than just where to turn to next. I don't know how I will succeed in education when even now I think I'm going to fail/ find it hard . With that mindset I'm not going to get far. I'm talking to my mum about this and she doesn't believe I will pull through, which is slightly discouraging. But your posts are giving me encouragement! You said you can relate so I take it you've had a similar experience? I also believe things happen for a reason even if the reason is still unclear to me. Maybe I needed to fall hard so I can rise higher?

Oh gosh, it sounds like me speaking!

I know, I totally understand you. It's a frustrating feeling, but what I have learnt is not to let that feeling drag you into a downwards spiral because that takes you nowhere.

It's really important to look at yourself and say "Yes, I did this wrong BUT I did this, this and this correctly in life" "I am a good person because....this is important because..." etc. Don't just let all your failures make you miserable, tbh I wouldn't even call them "failures" because you're not on your death bed yet and you have a big chance to turn all that around.

For me, honestly I told myself I could spend my gap year dwelling in my sadness and hating myself OR I could change the way I see myself, count my blessings and fix my past mistakes and move on. The latter is the far more appealing option. :-D

Couldn't agree with you more I've had my time of dwelling in the sadness now I want to use that feeling to spiral me up instead of down and motivate me to try again! I fail to see what I've done right mainly because to myself and others unless you haven't achieved anything in education it's not really worth looking at as anything important. But all things considered I'm proud of how I've held myself and who I am! Now I want to get to where I want to be and make everyone proud. I hope you don't mind but you sound like you were/are in a similar situation. Have you managed to lift yourself up from it and if so how? I'm thinking of looking at an access course whilst polish my portfolio and applying myself to companies. I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt that way about teachers, I was starting to think it was just me and I was going crazy. I still fail to understand how if they knew I was heading towards bad grades they allowed me to end up there without any warning or help. If you can clearly see a student is struggling why would you just sit by and act blind to it?

Some teachers shouldn't be teachers, and that is the honest truth. There are some amazing teachers in the world that can give a student everything they need and help lift them up and there are some that sit back and don't give a ****, and discourage you more than anything else. I had an awful one who called up my home when I was ill last year to shout at me, rudely hang up and then throw me off the course because of my coursework(that my depressed perfectionist self was struggling with), also this was late in the year so I was told I had to pay 3x the normal amount to sit the exam.

When I spoke to my actual teacher, she said to ignore her because she is pregnant and hormonal. (Like I care?).

But thankfully a kind admissions officer made the school pay for me, and she whispered "You have been done so wrongly by that teacher, don't worry I will make sure the school will pay for you to take that exam".

The upset that incident caused me, and by upset I mean I was so disgustingly sad that I wanted to drop out all together (also because it was SO much money to pay for that exam that late in the year) taught me a lot! And how important it is not to act when another human is struggling. If you see someone with a broken leg, would you kick it to make it worse? the answer is no! Someone really needs to learn that -_-

Ugh I feel so much anger, lol I just went on a rant.

But the point is, yes I know how you feel. There are some amazing, lovely, kind teachers that were made to be teacher but there are some awful ones that should change their career of choice.

Hi,
I'm 19 going on twenty. My biggest fear in life is not making anything of myself, but lately that's what I see my future becoming and it's scaring me. The worst part is being shadowed by my past failure. from secondary school I got into my boroughs best sixth form. My parents were thrilled as was I. From there I was studying 4 a levels. Everything was fine. Until suddenly i went from getting A's in my GCSEs to Ds and Us in my alevels. I didn't know where I was going wrong my confidence took a giant hit and no teachers helped me to improve. Infact if anything I got the impression they needed some people to fail to make the others look good. From there I lost motivation and had numerous problems during my academic years including losing a family member and having trouble with a student to the point where the police got involved. Unsurprisingly I wasn't let back and my mum was devasted. She was and still is dissapointed in me, and so am I for letting her and myself down. I then entered a new college, but again I had major issues at home and lost another family member. However I tried to strive on, during the last month of college I flunked so all two years of hard work went down the drain. I could have easily pushed on and got into a uni but if I can't commit to a levels how can I commit to a degree? I hate education and genuinely have no motivation for anything anymore. I feel like all talents I have are gone and now I just do a full time retail job. But what kills me
Is seeing all my friends go off to uni thriving in their social life's and getting somewhere when I know I have so much potentional. I am not stupid. However I Struggle to apply myself to anything. But I realise what I could have been, a very happy girl with lots of friends meeting lots of people and getting good qualifications. Despite the fact I'm not dumb this education system basically has it so that if your not in the system you've practically failed life in the eyes of everyone. I thought of doing things like YouTube, travelling, taking up hobbies but everything I'm bad at or don't feel good enough in now. It kills me to know what I could have been and where I am now, left behind from all my friends. The worst thing is I don't feel like I have any options. I want to do animation(the art design part) or study psychology but there's no apprenticeships in this. To go to uni I'd have to beg my college to let me finish that last month so I can actually have a qualification but I'm too ashamed of myself. Even my teachers said they were dissapointed in me. I'm not saying for sympathy, I want to take action to better my life and seeking guidance is my first step. I don't know what my options are or where to turn to but I really can't live my life like this anymore. any suggestions are more than welcome.
Thank you for your time reading this

Its crazy because the people who are saying this is a pity party will never be successful because all they do is drag others down. But this girl is frustrated and she wants to make something of her life and people are being negative. Im 18 and my grades at GCSE and A Level weren't great. I have decided im not going to Uni most people would say thats crazy. Instead what am I doing? Starting a company, I dont let past failures or present circumstances define my future. So chelle1996 ignore those saying its a pity party and focus on your life and future all the pain and hurt in the past will not be a barrier to your bright future.
Bless up😉

I could have written this thread title.

Know exactly how you feel. Things have gone wrong for me for various reasons and I'm miles off where I could have been at this stage in life.

I feel like I'm lost in the wilderness while others move on with their lives.

You have my sympathy.

Its crazy because the people who are saying this is a pity party will never be successful because all they do is drag others down. But this girl is frustrated and she wants to make something of her life and people are being negative. Im 18 and my grades at GCSE and A Level weren't great. I have decided im not going to Uni most people would say thats crazy. Instead what am I doing? Starting a company, I dont let past failures or present circumstances define my future. So chelle1996 ignore those saying its a pity party and focus on your life and future all the pain and hurt in the past will not be a barrier to your bright future.
Bless up😉