I've lost my self, I feel like i made a big mistake
little background info; i'm 18, female, moved out of a very conservative Muslim household to study in a different city, getting a lot of **** for it too but that's not the point
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or atleast calm me down? please?
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or atleast calm me down? please?
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@h333 posts good advice, maybe she could write something for you 
Original post by Anonymous
...................
Uni is a time where children who live under the control/leadership/management, (however you want to define it) of their parents, learn how to do those things for themselves and their own, independent adult selves. Part of that is about trying new things, which is why Uni life has a reputation for all those things you think are wild as a child, like drink, drugs, sex etc. You don't have to experiment with any of those things specifically, but you are wasting the opportunity if you don't experiment with what sort of adult you want to be - while it's free and no-one who really matters is watching (parents, employers etc). Plus your friends should be forgiving, because they are trying new things as well.
You quite appropriately, tried a new thing, which was taking your headscarf off. And you didn't go further than that, so it was a very measured experiment. You found you didn't like it, and that is fine. You should go back to what you find comfortable, and if anyone asks, you can tell them you were just trying something new, but didn't feel comfortable. Neither headscarf off or headscarf on is a permanent decision, it was an experiment, that 's all.
Original post by Anonymous
@h333 posts good advice, maybe she could write something for you
thanks...
Original post by threeportdrift
Uni is a time where children who live under the control/leadership/management, (however you want to define it) of their parents, learn how to do those things for themselves and their own, independent adult selves. Part of that is about trying new things, which is why Uni life has a reputation for all those things you think are wild as a child, like drink, drugs, sex etc. You don't have to experiment with any of those things specifically, but you are wasting the opportunity if you don't experiment with what sort of adult you want to be - while it's free and no-one who really matters is watching (parents, employers etc). Plus your friends should be forgiving, because they are trying new things as well.
You quite appropriately, tried a new thing, which was taking your headscarf off. And you didn't go further than that, so it was a very measured experiment. You found you didn't like it, and that is fine. You should go back to what you find comfortable, and if anyone asks, you can tell them you were just trying something new, but didn't feel comfortable. Neither headscarf off or headscarf on is a permanent decision, it was an experiment, that 's all.
You quite appropriately, tried a new thing, which was taking your headscarf off. And you didn't go further than that, so it was a very measured experiment. You found you didn't like it, and that is fine. You should go back to what you find comfortable, and if anyone asks, you can tell them you were just trying something new, but didn't feel comfortable. Neither headscarf off or headscarf on is a permanent decision, it was an experiment, that 's all.
ok yeah
youre right youre right
im freaking out over nothing
its just taking me awhile to adjust
thing is i loved it though
i just
i hate having to do things in secret
bit like having an affair i guess
like you love being with that other person but you hate having to delete all your photos, videos together, delete all your messages and always be on edge in case someone sees you two together
do you get where i'm coming from?
Original post by Anonymous
........
Eventually though, you weigh up the negative pressure of secrecy versus the negative effects of exposure. Or if you are a glass half full person, the enjoyment of the freedom/affair, versus the enjoyment of no management of that aspect of that life. Or something like that - how you weigh one thing against another comes down to your personal preference - it may take years to work out though, and that's normal as well.
Its one time. Just put it back on of you feel incomfy without it. If your parents ever find out, then deal with it when you get to it. You can always deny it was you or you can ask if whether they were meant to be at the nightclub as well?
Its all a bt of an overdrmataic reaction imo. Staying in bed and crying isnt going to get you far. Missing lectures this early on is a bit silly. You are lucky in a way becayse you have freedom that a lot of other posters werent allowed. Just be patient and grow into your independence. You cna then deal with the rest at your own pace.
Its all a bt of an overdrmataic reaction imo. Staying in bed and crying isnt going to get you far. Missing lectures this early on is a bit silly. You are lucky in a way becayse you have freedom that a lot of other posters werent allowed. Just be patient and grow into your independence. You cna then deal with the rest at your own pace.
Salaam sis
Sorry to hear you went through all that. So you took your scarf off? But what do you mean by you don't believe in it? Sorry if I have misunderstood.
When you say you don't feel good and all, so do you regret taking off your hijab? And going to club?
Don't think it is the end of the world sis. No you would not be called a hypocrite if you truly repent and regret taking off your hijab for a while. It is compulsory in Islam to wear hijab as you may know already. So you takong it off does not mean you will not be allowed to wear it again. We are humans after all and so we sin for silly reasons and can go astray for a while but if you feel remorse then that is a good sign. Ask Allah swt for forgivness and know that he is all merciful. But you have to be sincere and not fall astray. Trust me, one haraam act can lead to another very easily if you are not careful.
Sorry to hear you went through all that. So you took your scarf off? But what do you mean by you don't believe in it? Sorry if I have misunderstood.
When you say you don't feel good and all, so do you regret taking off your hijab? And going to club?
Don't think it is the end of the world sis. No you would not be called a hypocrite if you truly repent and regret taking off your hijab for a while. It is compulsory in Islam to wear hijab as you may know already. So you takong it off does not mean you will not be allowed to wear it again. We are humans after all and so we sin for silly reasons and can go astray for a while but if you feel remorse then that is a good sign. Ask Allah swt for forgivness and know that he is all merciful. But you have to be sincere and not fall astray. Trust me, one haraam act can lead to another very easily if you are not careful.
Original post by Anonymous
@h333 posts good advice, maybe she could write something for you
Thanks
but I am not that good, I will try my best.Imo
You have done nothing wrong.
You've done nothing to bring shame upon yourself.
You don't need to be afraid of people judging you.
They're minor.
You have done nothing wrong.
You've done nothing to bring shame upon yourself.
You don't need to be afraid of people judging you.
They're minor.
Original post by Anonymous
little background info; i'm 18, female, moved out of a very conservative Muslim household to study in a different city, getting a lot of **** for it too but that's not the point
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or at least calm me down? please?
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or at least calm me down? please?
As'alamualaikum, this is just a little advice from me!
So firstly, erm you had that interest to go to a club, but you didn't go...why!?
Haven't you thought about it deeply... because you have that fear of Allah (swt).
You ended up going to the club...you fell into shaytaans trap.
This is just a Hadith for you to ponder upon..
Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Prophet (pbuh) said,
“The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the parents, and the displeasure of Allah is in the displeasure of the parents"
Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 1899
And Subhanallah! you wear the hijab. Hijab is a form of modesty and purity. The hijab is a shield, it is righteousness and shows that you have faith. It is also an act of obedience to Allah (swt) and His prophet (pbuh).
"going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it."
This is how shaytaan will get to you, he will make you think 'oh your getting sin for that anyway, so just take it off!"
He will work on you slowly, he'll make you commit minor sins..then eventually you'll start committing major sins. (listen to this video until 37:40)
https://youtu.be/FemDGxSwVcM?t=2046
At this point my advice would be perform sincere taubah, ask for forgiveness from Allah (swt). Sit on the prayer mat and reflect on what you have done..if you feel like crying, cry, and only cry to Him because Allah will surely listen to your duas and guide you.
Also control your nafs (desires) that is the biggest thing. if you can control your nafs then shaytaan wont be a problem.
So for example you went to the club, now that isn't your fault it happens we're not angels, we are humans we all make mistakes but Allah (swt) has given us a chance we have to make taubah. Do taubah and and promise yourself you wont do that again.
Hadith:
One of the companions of the prophet (pbuh) asked him:
How many steps away is Jannah?
The prophet (pbuh) replied:
Two steps away, put one of your foot on your nafs and your other foot will lead you to Jannah.
"I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me"
1) It dosnt matter if you believe in it or not, just think that your doing all this for the sake of Allah (swt). Make that intention, Allah will surely be happy with you.
2a) And why do you think your presenting Islam in a negative way?
2b) Other peoples opinions are not important, pleasing Allah (swt) is important. When this world ends no one will help you, when you depart from this world no one will be with you in the grave, it'll only be you and your deeds, so live in this world within the Shariah laws.
"I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream."
You are very lucky that Allah (swt) made you feel that guilt, that is also one of the greatest things that Allah (swt) can do to a believers heart. Imagine some people don't even get this feeling!
"but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really."
Cry to Allah (swt) and just repent with a true heart. Please do not harm yourself like that, don't starve because you feel down..
This body of yours is an amanah of Allah (swt). He has given this body to us to keep the soul safe, our bodies are just a empty case for the soul...the prophet (pbuh) has taught us to keep our bodies nourished as it is an amanah of Allah (swt), so keep you diet just right
"i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out"
Sister, like i have said before, shaytaan will slowly work on you...don't let him win! And no, how can you call yourself a hypocrite? This is all part of shaytaans plan, don't fall for his trap..you need to win over him!
Insh'Allah you don't fully take it off, i will make duaa for you..i advice you to make sincere taubah..and try wearing the hijab again, start off with a couple of days, then try wearing the hijab for a week. Don't think about what other people think, have the intention that you are doing it for Allah (swt) only.
"I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i don't know what to do or how to feel."
When getting ready for bed pray your night duas (+ Surah Al Mulk - youll be saved from the punishments of the grave). Wake up for Fajr and make dua in salaah, also when waking up in the morning, pray your morning duas (+ Surah Al Yasin - Allah will make your day easy, and hardships will go away)
Insh'Allah this helps x
Original post by Anonymous
little background info; i'm 18, female, moved out of a very conservative Muslim household to study in a different city, getting a lot of **** for it too but that's not the point
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or atleast calm me down? please?
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or atleast calm me down? please?
Try not being religious for a month, dont even bother with headscarfs and all that other clothing. Wear what you actually want. Get drunk with mates occasionally, scream at a TV during a live football match, eat a full British breakfast. You will enjoy the freedom.
If it turns out that all this "I don't believe in god" bollux is not for you, just go back to being religious again. You wont have lost anything.
I can't help you with the religious aspect really, not being Muslim (or religious at all) I don't really understand how that feels or what will help.
But I will say that from an outsider perspective, I have known people who went on a night out in a head scarf (they obviously didn't drink or flirt or dance suggestively or anything) and I have known people who occasionally take off their head scarf (for sports etc) and people don't find it weird at all. So it won't be a big deal to put it back on and I don't think it would have mattered if you'd worn it.
I think to an extent people have to choose what their religion means for them. For some muslims that means the burka, for others they don't cover their head at all but would still view themselves as muslim. I understand that decision has to take your family into account too as your relationship with them is important. But you don't need to beat yourself up over your choices, or your beliefs because it your life and your choice to make.
But I will say that from an outsider perspective, I have known people who went on a night out in a head scarf (they obviously didn't drink or flirt or dance suggestively or anything) and I have known people who occasionally take off their head scarf (for sports etc) and people don't find it weird at all. So it won't be a big deal to put it back on and I don't think it would have mattered if you'd worn it.
I think to an extent people have to choose what their religion means for them. For some muslims that means the burka, for others they don't cover their head at all but would still view themselves as muslim. I understand that decision has to take your family into account too as your relationship with them is important. But you don't need to beat yourself up over your choices, or your beliefs because it your life and your choice to make.
Your taking of the scarf is not bad, do not beat yourself up over it. Did you have fun or feel more free? if so good.
You are taking the first steps to liberating yourself and becoming the true you, the free you. Be happy with yourself and dont be afraid to go to school as it is very important for your future.
Other people including your parents may tell you that you are falling for "satans trap" or something along the lines of you are being disrespectful. Do not listen to them, it is a ploy to make you feel bad and feel like being free is wrong. Just do what you want eat some pork, have some alcohol go dancing and be free.
If you are happy being free do you not think a nice god would like you to be happy? if not ask yourself would you rather you be imprisoned or happy?
You are taking the first steps to liberating yourself and becoming the true you, the free you. Be happy with yourself and dont be afraid to go to school as it is very important for your future.
Other people including your parents may tell you that you are falling for "satans trap" or something along the lines of you are being disrespectful. Do not listen to them, it is a ploy to make you feel bad and feel like being free is wrong. Just do what you want eat some pork, have some alcohol go dancing and be free.
If you are happy being free do you not think a nice god would like you to be happy? if not ask yourself would you rather you be imprisoned or happy?
Original post by Anonymous
little background info; i'm 18, female, moved out of a very conservative Muslim household to study in a different city, getting a lot of **** for it too but that's not the point
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or atleast calm me down? please?
the point is I went out with my housemates last night to celebrate an occasion. we went to a club. i wanted to go because every time they told me to go, (they weren't pressuring or anything) i would say no even though i really wanted to. i was scared. of my parents, of them finding out. i also felt out of place, since I wear a head covering.
after many problems caused because of speculation that i was going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it. And i did. I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me
but the whole bus journey there, i felt so weird. it didn't feel like i'd done anything drastic. but i kept mentally beating my self up about it. i kept calling my self names and cheap and weak because i 'gave in' - it hurts even though i know i wanted this. I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream.
i've been in bed all day. i didnt go to lectures. i feel like ****. i did not drink, or have sex, or even talk to boys, technically i did nothing to be 'ashamed' of, but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really.
i also have another problem. i took it off, and obviously a lot of uni students were there. some of whom are friends or acquaintances. i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out - i've seen a few former friends back from my high school, who know people who know people who will get it to them.
I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i dont know what to do or how to feel.
can anyone give me some advice? or atleast calm me down? please?
If you don't believe in Islam, then don't follow it.
If you don't believe in wearing the headscarf, don't wear it.
Don't let anyone tell you to do otherwise, including yourself.
The above idea of some kind of slippery slope of sin for not wearing a head scarf honestly sounds like a load of rubbish to me. Plenty of muslims choose not to wear the head scarf. Almost *all* non-muslims also don't wear a head scarf. The vast majority of people are decent people and I don't see why you would be some kind of exception to that. The idea that removing a scarf is some kind of gateway into a life of sin and crime is frankly ridiculous in my opinion.
To me I would say that all of what you feel is very psychological (clearly). You've been brought up in such a way that you've been taught to remove the headscarf is a bad thing. So when you do it, you will on some deep subliminal level feel bad because that's been taught to you from childhood. I don't think it's easy to leave behind feelings like that, which have been trained into you so intensely. It's like when you use swear words for the first time having been brought up never to hear them (or at least I was, plenty of children nowadays seem not to be) it feels daring and wrong, like you're doing something awful.
What you've got to do is try to distinguish between what is simply psychologically trained into you and then on the other hand, what you also believe and what your preferences are. It's like you've presumably been taught that going to a club is a bad and evil thing somehow, but actually if you want you can just go there to have a good time and dance. If you believe alcohol is sinful, just don't have any when you're there. Honestly I don't see why you couldn't go there in a headscarf if you had the balls to do it, although I admit you'd stick out a lot!
In my opinion it is better to test these things in life and see, than to always sit wondering and regretting things. This is a period in your life of growing up and finding yourself - I would say that rather than having lost yourself, you've actually started on the first step to finding out what you really believe. You may well even find yourself back at the position you start (ie. conservative muslim faith), who can say, but at least when you get there it will be honest. I'm not religious at all but I'd like to think that if there is a god they'd care more that you did something honestly and with conviction than with doubt opting for the status quo.
If you don't ever try something different and the only real reason you can give is fear, I don't think that's the way to happiness - or indeed to being genuine and honest.
To me I would say that all of what you feel is very psychological (clearly). You've been brought up in such a way that you've been taught to remove the headscarf is a bad thing. So when you do it, you will on some deep subliminal level feel bad because that's been taught to you from childhood. I don't think it's easy to leave behind feelings like that, which have been trained into you so intensely. It's like when you use swear words for the first time having been brought up never to hear them (or at least I was, plenty of children nowadays seem not to be) it feels daring and wrong, like you're doing something awful.
What you've got to do is try to distinguish between what is simply psychologically trained into you and then on the other hand, what you also believe and what your preferences are. It's like you've presumably been taught that going to a club is a bad and evil thing somehow, but actually if you want you can just go there to have a good time and dance. If you believe alcohol is sinful, just don't have any when you're there. Honestly I don't see why you couldn't go there in a headscarf if you had the balls to do it, although I admit you'd stick out a lot!
In my opinion it is better to test these things in life and see, than to always sit wondering and regretting things. This is a period in your life of growing up and finding yourself - I would say that rather than having lost yourself, you've actually started on the first step to finding out what you really believe. You may well even find yourself back at the position you start (ie. conservative muslim faith), who can say, but at least when you get there it will be honest. I'm not religious at all but I'd like to think that if there is a god they'd care more that you did something honestly and with conviction than with doubt opting for the status quo.
If you don't ever try something different and the only real reason you can give is fear, I don't think that's the way to happiness - or indeed to being genuine and honest.
(edited 7 years ago)
OP you said so yourself that you don't believe in the hijab so why are you wearing it? I get you're feeling guilty but that's probably because of the religious side to you but you said so yourself that you had a good time without it.
And I don't get why some people say choosing to take off the hijab means you lose your self respect. It's BS.
And I don't get why some people say choosing to take off the hijab means you lose your self respect. It's BS.
Original post by h333
Salaam sis
Sorry to hear you went through all that. So you took your scarf off? But what do you mean by you don't believe in it? Sorry if I have misunderstood.
When you say you don't feel good and all, so do you regret taking off your hijab? And going to club?
Don't think it is the end of the world sis. No you would not be called a hypocrite if you truly repent and regret taking off your hijab for a while. It is compulsory in Islam to wear hijab as you may know already. So you takong it off does not mean you will not be allowed to wear it again. We are humans after all and so we sin for silly reasons and can go astray for a while but if you feel remorse then that is a good sign. Ask Allah swt for forgivness and know that he is all merciful. But you have to be sincere and not fall astray. Trust me, one haraam act can lead to another very easily if you are not careful.
Sorry to hear you went through all that. So you took your scarf off? But what do you mean by you don't believe in it? Sorry if I have misunderstood.
When you say you don't feel good and all, so do you regret taking off your hijab? And going to club?
Don't think it is the end of the world sis. No you would not be called a hypocrite if you truly repent and regret taking off your hijab for a while. It is compulsory in Islam to wear hijab as you may know already. So you takong it off does not mean you will not be allowed to wear it again. We are humans after all and so we sin for silly reasons and can go astray for a while but if you feel remorse then that is a good sign. Ask Allah swt for forgivness and know that he is all merciful. But you have to be sincere and not fall astray. Trust me, one haraam act can lead to another very easily if you are not careful.
If she doesn't believe in wearing a headscarf then she should be totally free not to. Unless you're suggesting that there is *shock*...shame forced upon muslim women who don't wear it? But yeah it's always a decision based on free will ofc
She's done nothing wrong, get a grip.
Original post by senoritatimaa
Insh'Allah this helps x
Insh'Allah this helps x
Ah yes, a guilt trip, haha.
Take your anti-individualist authoritarian nonsense to the trashcan.
Original post by senoritatimaa
As'alamualaikum, this is just a little advice from me!
So firstly, erm you had that interest to go to a club, but you didn't go...why!?
Haven't you thought about it deeply... because you have that fear of Allah (swt).
You ended up going to the club...you fell into shaytaans trap.(1)
This is just a Hadith for you to ponder upon..
Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Prophet (pbuh) said,
“The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the parents, and the displeasure of Allah is in the displeasure of the parents"
Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 1899
And Subhanallah! you wear the hijab. Hijab is a form of modesty and purity. The hijab is a shield, it is righteousness and shows that you have faith. It is also an act of obedience to Allah (swt) and His prophet (pbuh).(2)
"going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it."
This is how shaytaan will get to you, he will make you think 'oh your getting sin for that anyway, so just take it off!"(3)
He will work on you slowly, he'll make you commit minor sins(4)..then eventually you'll start committing major sins(5). (listen to this video until 37:40)
https://youtu.be/FemDGxSwVcM?t=2046
At this point my advice would be perform sincere taubah, ask for forgiveness from Allah (swt). Sit on the prayer mat and reflect on what you have done..if you feel like crying, cry, and only cry to Him because Allah will surely listen to your duas and guide you.(6)
Also control your nafs (desires) that is the biggest thing. if you can control your nafs then shaytaan wont be a problem.
So for example you went to the club, now that isn't your fault it happens we're not angels, we are humans we all make mistakes but Allah (swt) has given us a chance we have to make taubah. Do taubah and and promise yourself you wont do that again.
Hadith:
One of the companions of the prophet (pbuh) asked him:
How many steps away is Jannah?
The prophet (pbuh) replied:
Two steps away, put one of your foot on your nafs and your other foot will lead you to Jannah.
"I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me"
1) It dosnt matter if you believe in it or not, just think that your doing all this for the sake of Allah (swt). Make that intention, Allah will surely be happy with you.(7)
2a) And why do you think your presenting Islam in a negative way?
2b) Other peoples opinions are not important, pleasing Allah (swt) is important. (8) When this world ends no one will help you, when you depart from this world no one will be with you in the grave, it'll only be you and your deeds, so live in this world within the Shariah laws.
"I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream."
You are very lucky that Allah (swt) made you feel that guilt, that is also one of the greatest things that Allah (swt) can do to a believers heart. Imagine some people don't even get this feeling!
"but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really."
Cry to Allah (swt) and just repent with a true heart. Please do not harm yourself like that, don't starve because you feel down..
This body of yours is an amanah of Allah (swt). He has given this body to us to keep the soul safe, our bodies are just a empty case for the soul...the prophet (pbuh) has taught us to keep our bodies nourished as it is an amanah of Allah (swt), so keep you diet just right
"i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out"
Sister, like i have said before, shaytaan will slowly work on you...don't let him win! And no, how can you call yourself a hypocrite? This is all part of shaytaans plan, don't fall for his trap..you need to win over him!
Insh'Allah you don't fully take it off, i will make duaa for you..i advice you to make sincere taubah..and try wearing the hijab again, start off with a couple of days, then try wearing the hijab for a week. Don't think about what other people think, have the intention that you are doing it for Allah (swt) only.
"I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i don't know what to do or how to feel."
When getting ready for bed pray your night duas (+ Surah Al Mulk - youll be saved from the punishments of the grave). Wake up for Fajr and make dua in salaah, also when waking up in the morning, pray your morning duas (+ Surah Al Yasin - Allah will make your day easy, and hardships will go away)
Insh'Allah this helps x
So firstly, erm you had that interest to go to a club, but you didn't go...why!?
Haven't you thought about it deeply... because you have that fear of Allah (swt).
You ended up going to the club...you fell into shaytaans trap.(1)
This is just a Hadith for you to ponder upon..
Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Prophet (pbuh) said,
“The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the parents, and the displeasure of Allah is in the displeasure of the parents"
Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 1899
And Subhanallah! you wear the hijab. Hijab is a form of modesty and purity. The hijab is a shield, it is righteousness and shows that you have faith. It is also an act of obedience to Allah (swt) and His prophet (pbuh).(2)
"going to go out or take my scarf off, i was like you know what - since im getting **** for it already I might as well do it."
This is how shaytaan will get to you, he will make you think 'oh your getting sin for that anyway, so just take it off!"(3)
He will work on you slowly, he'll make you commit minor sins(4)..then eventually you'll start committing major sins(5). (listen to this video until 37:40)
https://youtu.be/FemDGxSwVcM?t=2046
At this point my advice would be perform sincere taubah, ask for forgiveness from Allah (swt). Sit on the prayer mat and reflect on what you have done..if you feel like crying, cry, and only cry to Him because Allah will surely listen to your duas and guide you.(6)
Also control your nafs (desires) that is the biggest thing. if you can control your nafs then shaytaan wont be a problem.
So for example you went to the club, now that isn't your fault it happens we're not angels, we are humans we all make mistakes but Allah (swt) has given us a chance we have to make taubah. Do taubah and and promise yourself you wont do that again.
Hadith:
One of the companions of the prophet (pbuh) asked him:
How many steps away is Jannah?
The prophet (pbuh) replied:
Two steps away, put one of your foot on your nafs and your other foot will lead you to Jannah.
"I took the scarf off because 1) i dont believe in it, 2) if i WAS wearing the scarf i would a) present islam in a negative light and b) not enjoy my self and feel paranoid and feel out of place and everyone would stare at me"
1) It dosnt matter if you believe in it or not, just think that your doing all this for the sake of Allah (swt). Make that intention, Allah will surely be happy with you.(7)
2a) And why do you think your presenting Islam in a negative way?
2b) Other peoples opinions are not important, pleasing Allah (swt) is important. (8) When this world ends no one will help you, when you depart from this world no one will be with you in the grave, it'll only be you and your deeds, so live in this world within the Shariah laws.
"I guess i feel bad because i let down my parents. i enjoyed the night though. but coming back, letting it all sink in, it didn't feel real. in fact, if it wasn't for my aching joints i would've thought it was all a dream."
You are very lucky that Allah (swt) made you feel that guilt, that is also one of the greatest things that Allah (swt) can do to a believers heart. Imagine some people don't even get this feeling!
"but i still feel horrible. i've just been crying and crying. i only left the room to go toilet. i still haven't eaten since last night really."
Cry to Allah (swt) and just repent with a true heart. Please do not harm yourself like that, don't starve because you feel down..
This body of yours is an amanah of Allah (swt). He has given this body to us to keep the soul safe, our bodies are just a empty case for the soul...the prophet (pbuh) has taught us to keep our bodies nourished as it is an amanah of Allah (swt), so keep you diet just right
"i felt like it was a one time thing, i'd put it back on. but how can i? wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? of course, there's also the point that if i DO fully take it off, my parents WILL find out"
Sister, like i have said before, shaytaan will slowly work on you...don't let him win! And no, how can you call yourself a hypocrite? This is all part of shaytaans plan, don't fall for his trap..you need to win over him!
Insh'Allah you don't fully take it off, i will make duaa for you..i advice you to make sincere taubah..and try wearing the hijab again, start off with a couple of days, then try wearing the hijab for a week. Don't think about what other people think, have the intention that you are doing it for Allah (swt) only.
"I'm just scared, and i feel stupid and i hate myself right now. i just want to end it all but that would do no good to anyone . i don't know what to do or how to feel."
When getting ready for bed pray your night duas (+ Surah Al Mulk - youll be saved from the punishments of the grave). Wake up for Fajr and make dua in salaah, also when waking up in the morning, pray your morning duas (+ Surah Al Yasin - Allah will make your day easy, and hardships will go away)
Insh'Allah this helps x
1.
Why are clubs a trap?
2.
Not to disrespect this belief, but I don't think that would encourage the OP to continue wearing a hijab. (I could debate endlessly about my belief that the hijab is disgustingly sexist, but I shall refrain) Rather, I can see it having an opposite effect.
3.
She clearly wasn't forced to do anything. Her actions were from choice alone. My above comment applies.
4.
Why he? That is a genuine question, I didn't know that the gender of any figure within Islam (ie. Allah, and "shaytaan?" [I've really never heard of that before, pardon my ignorance]) was defined.
5.
Such as?
6.
Per point 2. Encouraging the OP to fret over their actions is definitely not the correct path into resolving emotional struggle. Frankly, doing what you suggest may worsen the OP's condition.
7.
Absolutely not. No-one should be forced to do anything they don't want to, especially when it's entirely choice-based, like religion, like that.
8.
Not really painting a pleasant image that she is not in control of her actions, and she should live entirely in the submission of an invisible God.
(edited 7 years ago)
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