Bereavement - First anniversary
It's coming up to a year since I lost my dad overnight.
After, we will have three birthdays, Christmas and a new year to celebrate, so needless to say I'm absoloutly dreading this time of the year.
My mind is a mess, I'm currently on a year long university placement (between 2nd and 3rd year)
Anyway, everything is such a mess in my head is difficult to know where to start - hence this thread, making me write it all down.
Dad came home from work early on a Friday - 'man flu' his colleagues joked. He was never one to go to the doctors or moan, so finding out about a cancerous mole the week before we quite a shock, though he made light of it at every opportunity - 'I get the last potato cos I have "canceeer"', 'I'll choose the movie cos I have "canceeeer"'.
Anyway, this just seemed like cold with a bit of umph - dad having a lie in and spending Saturday in pyjamas was quite unordinary. I watched a documentary about the BMW-Mini factory with him that night while mum was at work.
He'd had a rough day and we put it down to the cold turning into flu, especially as he was shaking cold 5 min and sweating buckets the next. He even went to bed before mum got back from work - 30 years of marriage and this had never happened.
Roll on Sunday morning - remembarence Sunday. I was rolling over in bed when mum came in on the phone - all I heard was 'ambulance'.
"Dad?" I mouthed
She nodded, and I ran downstairs
Just as I made the last step, I saw the ambulance pulling up.
I'm not sure how long they were here for, but it seemed like forever. Dad got the shivers again and was told to stay still whilst they did an ECG. He is trying, wtf do you want him to do? I thought
The ambulance woman couldn't understand the results, and took it out on our young paper boy who looked like he had seen a ghost - I feel so bad for him.
More time went on and they couldn't decide if they should take him to one of two hospitals - was the problem with his chest and breathing, or was it heart related? Either way, both were in the same city so I rushed for the train letting mum go in the ambulance.
She texted me to buy him so pyjamas, in case he was in the hospital for a few days. I didn't even realise it was Sunday and everything would be shut till 11, until I had checked the entire of a small shopping centre. I got an uber to the hospital and was told dad had arrived just 5 min ago. They took me to the relatives room where mum was sat, and I tryed to make light of the situation.
I decided it was best to call my brother and step sister once we had some news.
Not quite the news we were expecting - a Sister nurse came in and said his heart had stopped, they're not sure what's going on but they're working on him.
I called my siblings (one in London, one in Sussex) and both started to look at the next available train.
The sister came back and said they got his heart going again and consultants have come from 'upstairs'.
I update my siblings.
The sister returns - heart stopped and major damage should he pull through.
I update, and call mums family for backup.
The sister returns with a consultant - I could tell immediately. We are sorry to inform you that mr X despite our best efforts passed away.
"Who is Mr X" mum asks.
They got the surname wrong.
They leave and I'm left with mum in hysterics. I let go of her to move and call my brother and sister - I didn't realise this was the exact time of the moment of silence, it's uncanny.
Mum is desperate to see dad. I'm desperate not to but know I can't let mum go alone. Mums cousin arrived just as we were taken into resus - people say he looked well, as though he was sleeping - to me he was ghost white, blue lips and not there.
Fast forward 3 weeks of not knowing what happened and I answer the phone - our GP has the post mortem results and we are told he died of septicimia, brought on by meningitis. Wtf?
Fast forward another two weeks waiting for him to be released so we can have the funeral. In which time his birthday passes and we are into December.
You can imagine the rest. Fast forward a year and here we are - I'm still at home, all plans of moving out shelved while I take care of a depressed mother and watch my siblings live. Do I sound bitter? I don't mind if I do - because I am. I feel I can't go out over night with friends - mum will be crying on her own.
I can't make it to lunch, I need to sort out some financial papers - mum can't.
I can't go on that adventure weekend my placement employee invited me to -
.
I've even considered packing in uni, had it not been for the fact my third year is coming up and I'm so close to graduating.
That's probably the crux of it. Rinse and repeat mum calling me crying while at work, crying when I get in or taking her stresses out on me each day. Add in the bottle of wine every two days, and that's my 2016.
Sorry for the glum post, it's the first time I've gone through it all myself other than telling my siblings as it was all happening.
After, we will have three birthdays, Christmas and a new year to celebrate, so needless to say I'm absoloutly dreading this time of the year.
My mind is a mess, I'm currently on a year long university placement (between 2nd and 3rd year)
Anyway, everything is such a mess in my head is difficult to know where to start - hence this thread, making me write it all down.
Dad came home from work early on a Friday - 'man flu' his colleagues joked. He was never one to go to the doctors or moan, so finding out about a cancerous mole the week before we quite a shock, though he made light of it at every opportunity - 'I get the last potato cos I have "canceeer"', 'I'll choose the movie cos I have "canceeeer"'.
Anyway, this just seemed like cold with a bit of umph - dad having a lie in and spending Saturday in pyjamas was quite unordinary. I watched a documentary about the BMW-Mini factory with him that night while mum was at work.
He'd had a rough day and we put it down to the cold turning into flu, especially as he was shaking cold 5 min and sweating buckets the next. He even went to bed before mum got back from work - 30 years of marriage and this had never happened.
Roll on Sunday morning - remembarence Sunday. I was rolling over in bed when mum came in on the phone - all I heard was 'ambulance'.
"Dad?" I mouthed
She nodded, and I ran downstairs
Just as I made the last step, I saw the ambulance pulling up.
I'm not sure how long they were here for, but it seemed like forever. Dad got the shivers again and was told to stay still whilst they did an ECG. He is trying, wtf do you want him to do? I thought
The ambulance woman couldn't understand the results, and took it out on our young paper boy who looked like he had seen a ghost - I feel so bad for him.
More time went on and they couldn't decide if they should take him to one of two hospitals - was the problem with his chest and breathing, or was it heart related? Either way, both were in the same city so I rushed for the train letting mum go in the ambulance.
She texted me to buy him so pyjamas, in case he was in the hospital for a few days. I didn't even realise it was Sunday and everything would be shut till 11, until I had checked the entire of a small shopping centre. I got an uber to the hospital and was told dad had arrived just 5 min ago. They took me to the relatives room where mum was sat, and I tryed to make light of the situation.
I decided it was best to call my brother and step sister once we had some news.
Not quite the news we were expecting - a Sister nurse came in and said his heart had stopped, they're not sure what's going on but they're working on him.
I called my siblings (one in London, one in Sussex) and both started to look at the next available train.
The sister came back and said they got his heart going again and consultants have come from 'upstairs'.
I update my siblings.
The sister returns - heart stopped and major damage should he pull through.
I update, and call mums family for backup.
The sister returns with a consultant - I could tell immediately. We are sorry to inform you that mr X despite our best efforts passed away.
"Who is Mr X" mum asks.
They got the surname wrong.
They leave and I'm left with mum in hysterics. I let go of her to move and call my brother and sister - I didn't realise this was the exact time of the moment of silence, it's uncanny.
Mum is desperate to see dad. I'm desperate not to but know I can't let mum go alone. Mums cousin arrived just as we were taken into resus - people say he looked well, as though he was sleeping - to me he was ghost white, blue lips and not there.
Fast forward 3 weeks of not knowing what happened and I answer the phone - our GP has the post mortem results and we are told he died of septicimia, brought on by meningitis. Wtf?
Fast forward another two weeks waiting for him to be released so we can have the funeral. In which time his birthday passes and we are into December.
You can imagine the rest. Fast forward a year and here we are - I'm still at home, all plans of moving out shelved while I take care of a depressed mother and watch my siblings live. Do I sound bitter? I don't mind if I do - because I am. I feel I can't go out over night with friends - mum will be crying on her own.
I can't make it to lunch, I need to sort out some financial papers - mum can't.
I can't go on that adventure weekend my placement employee invited me to -
Spoiler
.
I've even considered packing in uni, had it not been for the fact my third year is coming up and I'm so close to graduating.
That's probably the crux of it. Rinse and repeat mum calling me crying while at work, crying when I get in or taking her stresses out on me each day. Add in the bottle of wine every two days, and that's my 2016.
Sorry for the glum post, it's the first time I've gone through it all myself other than telling my siblings as it was all happening.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
It's coming up to a year since I lost my dad overnight.
After, we will have three birthdays, Christmas and a new year to celebrate, so needless to say I'm absoloutly dreading this time of the year.
My mind is a mess, I'm currently on a year long university placement (between 2nd and 3rd year) and.
Anyway, everything is such a mess in my head is difficult to know where to start - hence this thread, making me write it all down.
Dad came home from work early on a Friday - 'man flu' his colleagues joked. He was never one to go to the doctors or moan, so finding out about a cancerous mole the week before we quite a shock, though he made light of it at every opportunity - 'I get the last potato cos I have "canceeer"', 'I'll choose the movie cos I have "canceeeer"'.
Anyway, this just seemed like cold with a bit of umph - dad having a lie in and spending Saturday in pyjamas was quite unordinary. I watched a documentary about the BMW-Mini factory with him that night while mum was at work.
He'd had a rough day and we put it down to the cold turning into flu, especially as he was shaking cold 5 min and sweating buckets the next. He even went to bed before mum got back from work - 30 years of marriage and this had never happened.
Roll on Sunday morning - remembarence Sunday. I was rolling over in bed when mum came in on the phone - all I heard was 'ambulance'.
"Dad?" I mouthed
She nodded, and I ran downstairs
Just as I made the last step, I saw the ambulance pulling up.
I'm not sure how long they were here for, but it seemed like forever. Dad got the shivers again and was told to stay still whilst they did an ECG. He is trying, wtf do you want him to do? I thought
The ambulance woman couldn't understand the results, and took it out on our young paper boy who looked like he had seen a ghost - I feel so bad for him.
More time went on and they couldn't decide if they should take him to one of two hospitals - was the problem with his chest and breathing, or was it heart related? Either way, both were in the same city so I rushed for the train letting mum go in the ambulance.
She texted me to buy him so pyjamas, in case he was in the hospital for a few days. I didn't even realise it was Sunday and everything would be shut till 11, until I had checked the entire of a small shopping centre. I got an uber to the hospital and was told dad had arrived just 5 min ago. They took me to the relatives room where mum was sat, and I tryed to make light of the situation.
I decided it was best to call my brother and step sister once we had some news.
Not quite the news we were expecting - a Sister nurse came in and said his heart had stopped, they're not sure what's going on but they're working on him.
I called my siblings (one in London, one in Sussex) and both started to look at the next available train.
The sister came back and said they got his heart going again and consultants have come from 'upstairs'.
I update my siblings.
The sister returns - heart stopped and major damage should he pull through.
I update, and call mums family for backup.
The sister returns with a consultant - I could tell immediately. We are sorry to inform you that mr X despite our best efforts passed away.
"Who is Mr X" mum asks.
They got the surname wrong.
They leave and I'm left with mum in hysterics. I let go of her to move and call my brother and sister - I didn't realise this was the exact time of the moment of silence, it's uncanny.
Mum is desperate to see dad. I'm desperate not to but know I can't let mum go alone. Mums cousin arrived just as we were taken into resus - people say he looked well, as though he was sleeping - to me he was ghost white, blue lips and not there.
Fast forward 3 weeks of not knowing what happened and I answer the phone - our GP has the post mortem results and we are told he died of septicimia, brought on by meningitis. Wtf?
Fast forward another two weeks waiting for him to be released so we can have the funeral. In which time his birthday passes and we are into December.
You can imagine the rest. Fast forward a year and here we are - I'm still at home, all plans of moving out shelved while I take care of a depressed mother and watch my siblings live. Do I sound bitter? I don't mind if I do - because I am. I feel I can't go out over night with friends - mum will be crying on her own.
I can't make it to lunch, I need to sort out some financial papers - mum can't.
I can't go on that adventure weekend my placement employee invited me to -.
I've even considered packing in uni, had it not been for the fact my third year is coming up and I'm so close to graduating.
That's probably the crux of it. Rinse and repeat mum calling me crying while at work, crying when I get in or taking her stresses out on me each day. Add in the bottle of wine every two days, and that's my 2016.
Sorry for the glum post, it's the first time I've gone through it all myself other than telling my siblings as it was all happening.
After, we will have three birthdays, Christmas and a new year to celebrate, so needless to say I'm absoloutly dreading this time of the year.
My mind is a mess, I'm currently on a year long university placement (between 2nd and 3rd year) and
Spoiler
Anyway, everything is such a mess in my head is difficult to know where to start - hence this thread, making me write it all down.
Dad came home from work early on a Friday - 'man flu' his colleagues joked. He was never one to go to the doctors or moan, so finding out about a cancerous mole the week before we quite a shock, though he made light of it at every opportunity - 'I get the last potato cos I have "canceeer"', 'I'll choose the movie cos I have "canceeeer"'.
Anyway, this just seemed like cold with a bit of umph - dad having a lie in and spending Saturday in pyjamas was quite unordinary. I watched a documentary about the BMW-Mini factory with him that night while mum was at work.
He'd had a rough day and we put it down to the cold turning into flu, especially as he was shaking cold 5 min and sweating buckets the next. He even went to bed before mum got back from work - 30 years of marriage and this had never happened.
Roll on Sunday morning - remembarence Sunday. I was rolling over in bed when mum came in on the phone - all I heard was 'ambulance'.
"Dad?" I mouthed
She nodded, and I ran downstairs
Just as I made the last step, I saw the ambulance pulling up.
I'm not sure how long they were here for, but it seemed like forever. Dad got the shivers again and was told to stay still whilst they did an ECG. He is trying, wtf do you want him to do? I thought
The ambulance woman couldn't understand the results, and took it out on our young paper boy who looked like he had seen a ghost - I feel so bad for him.
More time went on and they couldn't decide if they should take him to one of two hospitals - was the problem with his chest and breathing, or was it heart related? Either way, both were in the same city so I rushed for the train letting mum go in the ambulance.
She texted me to buy him so pyjamas, in case he was in the hospital for a few days. I didn't even realise it was Sunday and everything would be shut till 11, until I had checked the entire of a small shopping centre. I got an uber to the hospital and was told dad had arrived just 5 min ago. They took me to the relatives room where mum was sat, and I tryed to make light of the situation.
I decided it was best to call my brother and step sister once we had some news.
Not quite the news we were expecting - a Sister nurse came in and said his heart had stopped, they're not sure what's going on but they're working on him.
I called my siblings (one in London, one in Sussex) and both started to look at the next available train.
The sister came back and said they got his heart going again and consultants have come from 'upstairs'.
I update my siblings.
The sister returns - heart stopped and major damage should he pull through.
I update, and call mums family for backup.
The sister returns with a consultant - I could tell immediately. We are sorry to inform you that mr X despite our best efforts passed away.
"Who is Mr X" mum asks.
They got the surname wrong.
They leave and I'm left with mum in hysterics. I let go of her to move and call my brother and sister - I didn't realise this was the exact time of the moment of silence, it's uncanny.
Mum is desperate to see dad. I'm desperate not to but know I can't let mum go alone. Mums cousin arrived just as we were taken into resus - people say he looked well, as though he was sleeping - to me he was ghost white, blue lips and not there.
Fast forward 3 weeks of not knowing what happened and I answer the phone - our GP has the post mortem results and we are told he died of septicimia, brought on by meningitis. Wtf?
Fast forward another two weeks waiting for him to be released so we can have the funeral. In which time his birthday passes and we are into December.
You can imagine the rest. Fast forward a year and here we are - I'm still at home, all plans of moving out shelved while I take care of a depressed mother and watch my siblings live. Do I sound bitter? I don't mind if I do - because I am. I feel I can't go out over night with friends - mum will be crying on her own.
I can't make it to lunch, I need to sort out some financial papers - mum can't.
I can't go on that adventure weekend my placement employee invited me to -
Spoiler
I've even considered packing in uni, had it not been for the fact my third year is coming up and I'm so close to graduating.
That's probably the crux of it. Rinse and repeat mum calling me crying while at work, crying when I get in or taking her stresses out on me each day. Add in the bottle of wine every two days, and that's my 2016.
Sorry for the glum post, it's the first time I've gone through it all myself other than telling my siblings as it was all happening.
I'm sorry this has all happened to you. I can't even begin to imagine how you and your family feel. It really sounds like you need some support, if you aren't getting any already. You and your family. Have you considered bereavement counselling? Many find it very effective. Would you be able to suggest to your mum going to the GP? Of course, it's natural to be distraught, but it sounds like she needs more support than someone at home can give. You may also find you benefit from this. It's worth considering. Have you spoken to your uni? They may be able to provide you some support as well. I know this is going to be a hard time of year for you, but try and stay strong. Remember to take care of yourself
