Anon newbie here, just posting to vent out some of the sheer turmoil that is my brain and attitude to food currently.
I started dieting in May of this year, determined to no longer be the "token fat girl" (at 5'6 and 11 stone). This started as skipping breakfast and lunch, with a small dinner (around 300-400 calories per day). Then I read about the benefits of eating breakfast on weight loss whilst on study leave, so I started eating a tiny breakfast, still trying to keep under 500 calories per day. By this point, my diet was tofu and ricecakes with peanut butter or Nutella, washed down with endless water and green tea.
After that, my caloric intake slowly increased (with one or two "binge" days for which I completely detested myself) to around 900, then up to 1100 and skirting around 1200 without ever really attaining it. That was when I started university. Going out every night meant drinking, and drinking means calories- so I ate as little as possible beforehand and got smashed. I lost half a stone over freshers' week before developing an infection that required antibiotics, which meant eating, so I went back up to around 1200 calories (overestimating calories and leaving as much as possible means I never quite get there, though). I'm currently at home for reading week and aiming to eat 1200 calories per day while I'm here, plus do some exercise (Wii Fit, zumba, running, shopping) each day, quit the Diet Coke, no alcohol or junk food- basically, fill my body with healthy things that should hopefully stave off weight gain which is my biggest, most all consuming fear. I'm currently around 170cm and 48.5kg, just hoping that eating so sensibly will change my body and not the numbers on the scale, because I still think I'm flabby and fat.
<white text for TMI> I haven't had a period since June and I'm scared I've ****ed up my fertility.</white text>
I have a referral to an eating disorders clinic on the insistence of my very scared family, but someone with more insight than me- how do I beat this?