Depression Society MKVI

I thought when I quit last year that I would never smoke again, and I noticed the health benefits from quitting after a few months, but a combination of half my flatmates smoking and depression led me to pick it up again.
I haven't noticed a negative effect on my health since taking it back up, but that's just because they happen so slowly I guess.

Hopefully when I quit again soon I'll feel better. The trouble is that there's no motivation here to quit. I only quit last year because my family thought I already had and a bit of pressure from my friends. Nobody here at uni tells me to quit, and since I've been hospitalised twice this year, even my mum is going easier on me.
She'd rather I smoked than cut or did something 'much more permanant' to myself, and she realises that what with me being 5 days away from turning 20, I can make my own decisions and she'll have to lump it.

I don't smoke in the garden or anything, but she can't stop me "going for a walk" multiple times a day.

I hate and enjoy smoking at the same time.

Omg

Indeed


I was about half an hour away from intercalating, then I found out I wouldn't be able to stay in halls if I did that, so I'm trying to get a couple of essays done.

If I get 4 2000 word essays done and get 60-65% (or higher) in each of them, plus 1 exam in May (which I need 30% + in) then I'll get the 40% average that I need and go through to next year, so I'm aiming for that much atm.

Yeah I play as Arsenal, but the team is pretty crap to start with aha. I'm trying to get my (currently 6 ft 10 in.) virtual pro to score 40 career headers so I can cross it off my list. It's stupidly hard to aim for him though, Walcott always runs past him and volleys it in

LA Noire eh? I'll have to look into that one. And as a life-long SSX fan I'm salivating at the prospect of my dad posting the new SSX to me .

Yeah... those essays are so not getting done .

GTA is amazing. I'm going to be ridiculously sad now and admit that sometimes I like driving around at the speed limits and pretending to be just another law abiding driver

I also like the vigilante missions. I'm currently playing Liberty City Stories on my PSP but I'm **** at the missions

Final Fantasy is my favourite all time game though.

hey, don't worry about it man. i know it's difficult now, TRUST me i know lol (when I was in year 9 some girls used to follow me around and make fun of me, and somehow they ended up telling half the school that I'd said something racist to one of them, and like 2 dozen people came after me before class and tried to fight me. lmao.). i fell out with my friends so many times over stupid things, they wouldn't speak to me for weeks, we had physical fights, etc etc. just ridiculous crap. but now all these years later we are STILL friends. they're the oldest friends I have and we love each other to bits. secondary school crap is just NONSENSE. it's so stupid that kids even put each other through all this pointless bull**** but you do come out the other side. it's not the end of the world. it'll be over by next week and then there'll be some fresh drama. you just need to rise above it. don't worry & try not to dwell on / beat yourself up over it.

I don't know how she thought that . She could have been upset with me from earlier, though, when we decided to go somewhere together. I told her to wait near where I was, but she decided to go and wait for me where we were going. And then the bus took long, and she said this to me: "Ur the first guy you actually kept me waiting". I think she's lying . Then some other slight misunderstanding happened later.



That must have been really bad. I've been bullied in the past, and can completely understand what you're talking about. You're right, she will probably get over it (hopefully ).

I am never going to be okay, or normal.

So restless tonight. Really don't know what to do with myself.

Definitely know what that feels like.

I spend hours on end about a month ago just trying to psych myself up to get it over with because it felt inevitable.
I typed myself a note on my iPod about how I couldn't go on and why, and just kept trying to dig myself deeper.

If it helps at all, I'm in a better place now. It didn't feel like I ever would be at the time, so it might not help, but I know what it feels like.

I got so bad that in the end I didn't care about fool proofing my plan, I was just tempted to hurl myself over 20 ft drops or walk into traffic, so I went into hospital.

If you have a decent support network hopefully it won't come to that for you. I've only got 2-3 people here at uni that are actually helpful, and even then, it's their job to be helpful. I know they care, otherwise they wouldn't have the jobs that they do, but still.

I used that to distance myself from my first psychiatrist too... he said he'd be upset if I killed myself and I told him it was his job to be upset.
Kinda mean of me I guess, but I'm sure he'd heard worse (probably heard worse from me too ).

You will . Keep up the hope

Argh, really want to self harm.

What's the point hoping for the impossible?

Slept well again

A bit confused at the moment.
I spend the majority of my time thinking about suicide and the ways in which I would go about it so I can't understand why I haven't done it yet. Obviously I'm worried about how it would effect my family and the consequences of attempting and it not working but there must be something else. Which of course brings me to my beloved thoughts of me exaggerating it all and lying about stuff.
When anything happens or if I'm feeling especially down I imagine myself talking to my old science teacher about it so I could have somehow tricked myself into feeling like this to get attention off her. This is the only reason I have come to because I can't see any other reason why. Although when I'm not at school I still feel bad, the majority of the time worse so I can't be doing this for attention off her. Plus, she doesn't even teach me anymore and I'm not stupid enough to stop trying in school so she'll feel sorry for me. If anything, I felt awkward when I used to talk to her but needed to just get it out. Or maybe I've tricked my brain so well that it knows to feel like this all the time.
Basically I used to be a compulsive liar when I was little and I feel like I'm doing the same thing again.
I hate my brain.

Has your day been any better?

Glad you're sleeping better lately.

Must make you feel even worse having your mind torture itself over it like that. I kind of get the same feelings then feel guilty if someone at uni trys to offer support thinking I don't deserve it. Just try to remind yourself that what you're feeling is real and your mind trying to trick you is probably a part of it. Hope you feel better soon.

Not really, went to the open day thing which I had to leave the house at 1 for and have only just got back, so have done practically no work and feel guilty. The course doesn't really suit me as it's much more finance based than maths based so felt a bit dissapointed and feeling really unsure what to do next year now. Maybe I should just try to get my head down and get on with work for a few weeks and then I'm feeling more positive about the situation, I could maybe ask about transferring back to the MMath here even though it's probably far too late and they will wonder why I have the cheek to ask after having problems this year, but hey guess nothing that bad can happen by asking. Sorry for the whining.

Yeah, thanks

Sorry to hear that
Getting on with work sounds like a great idea, maybe then you will have more of an idea if you'll be OK to carry on next year.
If it is too late woould it be possible to take a gap year and then go back and do it? That could also work and give you time to feel better too.

Whining is absolutely find and it was hardly a while going by my standards

I cry myself to sleep at night thinking I can not do this anymore. I wake up each day thinking I can not go in to work. I moved away from my friends for my girlfriend and career. Now I have lost my girlfriend and best friend, I feel really really lonely and I can't handle it.

I know if it doesn't get any better then I need to see a doctor, I am still in denial. I want it to sort it self out, but there is nothing in my life that I know will help sort it out.

I don't want to disappoint my family by leaving a career I fought really hard to get, but I am not strong enough to continue this career anymore. I hate myself for losing a massive part of my life, one I have dedicated the last 4 years to. Don't ask me why I am posting this in here, all I have done is cry since I woke up an hour ago. I cried myself to sleep. I can't go in to work today.

Hopefully, just need to stop being lazy now. Hmm.
Would have to do an MSc instead then which would mean wouldn't get funded by student finance and can't afford to pay the fees and rent. Could try to find a uni that offers scholarships but might be a long shot. Hmm maybe I will go and cry to my advisor and see what he says.

Thanks

Have you seen nuture lady around yet?

That's exactly how I feel.

I get what you mean. With no disrespect to you, hearing and reading all these it gets better stories does tend to grind you down after a while. Really glad you're feeling a bit better though.

Hope hospital doesn't have to be an option for me, couldn't imagine how much that would upset my mum.

Yeah, I understand what you mean. A teacher of mine and a student mentor at my school are the only ones who know the full extent of things and they do say they care and they're forever telling me I can speak to them but I see what you mean about it being their job.

It's not that mean, I know where you're coming from. I bet he sees loads of people and tells them the same thing so I imagine that plays a part in it.