I feel so disconnected from my parents' culture...and it has been making me depressed
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Original post by Wahala
& the marriage thing...sorry to say but that is rubbish, what we'd call a local view by uneducated backward traditionalists.
Ok...I'm gonna try to learn it as much as I can anyway because I want to and keep on familiarising myself with other aspects of culture, such as food. I find it all interesting. Maybe that's because I'm teaching myself at my own pace instead of my dad, who would impose it on me in a negative way and expect me to be perfect when I (and no-one) can't be.
Also, I had a feeling it was rubbish and that my mum was chatting bull. I know you can get married anywhere in the world, it would still be valid. My mum wont shut up about it...she keeps on saying British authorities would expect me to be officially married in Nigeria because that's my heritage, otherwise my marriage would not be valid in the UK.
Well surely that's doesn't sound right. Since when was that ever the case?But then again are very backwards, traditional, ignorant and very rigid in their views. It's either their way or no way at all. They are very narrow-minded and not open to other ways of thinking. They see their way of thinking as the right and only way of thinking, which can be problematic, as I don't think the same way, and I know they wouldn't accept that.
Original post by Wahala
the traditional marriages aren't even legally valid in nigeria. you have to go to the registrars regardless. as you would here.
Well that's good to hear, I plan to be legally married here, not over in Nigeria anyway. Though I am aware I don't have to be legally married here. What the heck, I can get married anywhere!
I'm still familiarising myself with my culture. I never used to care about anything regarding my native country in the past but now I'm almost fluent in my language, know all the politics, planning a trip down there for the summer (my first time there) etc. You just have to love and know where you come from and everything will come naturally, go there in holidays and try speaking to family in your own language.
I've had family members go back to Africa not knowing anything about the culture but coming back to the west after a few months in the village knowing the language, culture and a lot of new people. You'll learn quickly once you get there and you're faced with people who can't communicate in English, so they've told me
I've had family members go back to Africa not knowing anything about the culture but coming back to the west after a few months in the village knowing the language, culture and a lot of new people. You'll learn quickly once you get there and you're faced with people who can't communicate in English, so they've told me
Original post by Anonymous
By the way where would you like to get married, when/if that time comes?
I confess I want a full traditional wedding. The overhead canopies sheltering attendees from the sun, the dancing, the yoruba songs, the yoruba M.C's, the food, the nosy relations, the aunties, the uncles, the friends, aso-ebi, the cerenomy itself, which is pretty terrific e.t.c
I'm probably saying this because i've being to loads and they're absolutely beautiful and good fun plus i got money from relatives to spray which i didn't
I do want a church wedding too. When the time comes, i really don't mind getting married in Britain or in Nigeria as long as I get MY traditional wedding . My mom might disagree though..Original post by Anonymous
Ok that makes sense. She just keeps on making out as though that would be the case when really I don't believe it would be. Why on earth would it matter where I got married? i could get married anywhere in the world and it would be valid wouldn't it...I always had a feeling she was chatting bull when she was saying that if I didn't get married in Nigeria, it wouldn't be valid in Britian.
Anyway I think I'd like to get married here, but at some point before or after the wedding I'd do the traditional wedding ceremony in Nigeria. I don't mind a traditional ceremony - I want both - but I wouldn't want my mum to get in the way of my plans. The problem is, I feel as though she is imposing it on me and using any excuse to do so, and giving me less choice. I want to get married here in a church (if I choose to remain a Christian in future) or in a registry office. Then I will do a traditional ceremony, before or after. I would be officially married when I do my proper wedding (so not when I do the Nigerian ceremony). She needs to stop imposing her expectation on me otherwise she will put me off!
However my brother has said on several occasions that he doesn't want to do the Nigeria ceremony at all - I don't really care, it's his life - but my mum keeps on imposing it on him.
When I was young I used to think that when I became and adult, my parents would treat me better and would stop treating me as inferior and would stop dictating my life, but I'm 19 now and I can't see that happening anytime soon, so I'm moving away to the North-East of England in September so that I can start living my life. I always feel as though they will constantly treat me life a clone and dictate my life - so I am considering cutting them out. I don't know if this is something I'd want to do though.
If you look at my original post you will see that in one of my threads I am considering limiting contact, now I believe this is definately something I shall do. As for cutting them out, I am not sure. But I will definately be doing as much as I can to limit contact and keep my distance. It's hard to want to keep people in your life when they try to dictate your life or threaten to disown you for not being the person they want you to be, especially when they are your own parents, putting certain expectations on you and manipulating you. But my main aim is to live my life for myself - I owe it to myself anyway, especially after all the horrific things I've been through.
when really I don't believe it would be. Why on earth would it matter where I got married? i could get married anywhere in the world and it would be valid wouldn't it...I always had a feeling she was chatting bull when she was saying that if I didn't get married in Nigeria, it wouldn't be valid in Britian.Anyway I think I'd like to get married here, but at some point before or after the wedding I'd do the traditional wedding ceremony in Nigeria. I don't mind a traditional ceremony - I want both - but I wouldn't want my mum to get in the way of my plans. The problem is, I feel as though she is imposing it on me and using any excuse to do so, and giving me less choice. I want to get married here in a church (if I choose to remain a Christian in future) or in a registry office. Then I will do a traditional ceremony, before or after. I would be officially married when I do my proper wedding (so not when I do the Nigerian ceremony). She needs to stop imposing her expectation on me otherwise she will put me off!
However my brother has said on several occasions that he doesn't want to do the Nigeria ceremony at all - I don't really care, it's his life - but my mum keeps on imposing it on him.
When I was young I used to think that when I became and adult, my parents would treat me better and would stop treating me as inferior and would stop dictating my life, but I'm 19 now and I can't see that happening anytime soon, so I'm moving away to the North-East of England in September so that I can start living my life. I always feel as though they will constantly treat me life a clone and dictate my life - so I am considering cutting them out. I don't know if this is something I'd want to do though.
If you look at my original post you will see that in one of my threads I am considering limiting contact, now I believe this is definately something I shall do. As for cutting them out, I am not sure. But I will definately be doing as much as I can to limit contact and keep my distance. It's hard to want to keep people in your life when they try to dictate your life or threaten to disown you for not being the person they want you to be, especially when they are your own parents, putting certain expectations on you and manipulating you. But my main aim is to live my life for myself - I owe it to myself anyway, especially after all the horrific things I've been through.
She says that because she wants you to get married over there, why would you believe that, though? It has being difficult but I have come to terms with Nigerian Parents (my parents) being so imposing, that's how they were raised and they see it fit to raise their children the same way
. About breaking away I probably still will, but it'll not be easy, family is very important and I've come to understand that the hard way. If you do though, expect that there'll be loads of prayers and relatives bugging the hell out of you, but I'm sure you know that already. I think going far away for Uni is a very good place to start since it's expected that you'll be getting some independence. Yeah I get what you mean about the whole manipulation thing 
they do that a lot. It's like its not even about what you want to do with your life, its what they want you to...and when I mention that I'm called an ungrateful child...There's a lot to say but chin up till the time comes that you get some freedom.La, about marriage does your Mom say slyly that it'll be nice if you married a Nigerian or blatantly? Mine says Nigerian + Yoruba + christian + rich
Original post by someonesomewherexx
She says that because she wants you to get married over there, why would you believe that, though? It has being difficult but I have come to terms with Nigerian Parents (my parents) being so imposing, that's how they were raised and they see it fit to raise their children the same way . About breaking away I probably still will, but it'll not be easy, family is very important and I've come to understand that the hard way. If you do though, expect that there'll be loads of prayers and relatives bugging the hell out of you, but I'm sure you know that already. I think going far away for Uni is a very good place to start since it's expected that you'll be getting some independence. Yeah I get what you mean about the whole manipulation thing they do that a lot. It's like its not even about what you want to do with your life, its what they want you to...and when I mention that I'm called an ungrateful child...There's a lot to say but chin up till the time comes that you get some freedom.
. About breaking away I probably still will, but it'll not be easy, family is very important and I've come to understand that the hard way. If you do though, expect that there'll be loads of prayers and relatives bugging the hell out of you, but I'm sure you know that already. I think going far away for Uni is a very good place to start since it's expected that you'll be getting some independence. Yeah I get what you mean about the whole manipulation thing they do that a lot. It's like its not even about what you want to do with your life, its what they want you to...and when I mention that I'm called an ungrateful child...There's a lot to say but chin up till the time comes that you get some freedom.I understand.
Tbh my mum wants me to believe that but sometimes she talks rubbish and exaggerates so I don't believe some of the things she says anyway.
But I think if my other relatives were bugging the hell out of me, I think I'd have to cut them out too.
I see what you mean about what they want me to do with my life as opposed to what I want to do with my life. I remember on the night I overdosed, I felt a sense of despair, like I was never gonna be able to live the life I wanted. I felt powerless, I felt like I had no control, like no one cared about me, like I was so inferior. All those feelings pushed my into attempting to take my life. Since then my parents have tried backing off a bit and stopped putting unnecessary pressure on me to be someone I'm not but it's not enough.
I don't really care anymore about what they want, rather what I want. I've decided to put myself first. I've drafted up a bucket list of all the things I want to do/achieve in my life. I'm not a clone, I'm an individual and I deserve to be free, independent and happy. It will be hard but I'd rather live a life of my own. If I cannot do that, I will attempt suicide. I'm so serious. I owe it to myself to live my own life otherwise I will not live at all.
La, about marriage does your Mom say slyly that it'll be nice if you married a Nigerian or blatantly? Mine says Nigerian + Yoruba + christian + rich
Well prefably they would rather I marry someone Nigerian I guess, but if the person was black I don't think they would mind. They don't really say, so I'm not sure if they would have to be Nigerian.
However, my parents have made it very clear that we are not allowed to marry outside our race, especially a white person, otherwise they will disown us. If you look at my previous posts you will see that I have mentioned this. Ironically, one of my brothers has secretly dated a white girl before.
Also we cannot be gay, otherwise they will disown us.
The thing is, no-one including myself should have to have our lives and relationships dictated to us. That's something I'm gonna have to handle should the situation arise. I don't want to have to be ignorant and restrict myself just because of my parents' narrow-minded views. It's not right and not okay at all.
Original post by Anonymous
Yes, that is kind of what I am asking...
i dont even get how anyone could LOGICALLY think that was a possible law.
(im glad you have finally figured that out though).
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by RubyShoes
i dont even get how anyone could LOGICALLY think that was a possible law.
(im glad you have finally figured that out though).
(im glad you have finally figured that out though).
Well like I said in one of my posts, my mum sometimes talks rubbish and exaggerates so I don't believe some of what she says anyway. She and my dad still want to dictate my life, but I can't let that happen.
Original post by Wahala
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Original post by someonesomewherexx
................................
Original post by RubyShoes
.............................
I don't really believe it my mum still wont shut up about the fact that without a traditional Nigerian ceremony, my wedding and marriage and be invalid in accordance with British law and British officials and authorities.
I wish she'd shut up otherwise I'm gonna have to consider cutting her out of my life as well.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi
Please keep anon.
I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I have had a very turbulent childhood. I was abused from a young age until into my late teens. It's only when I attempted suicide nearly a couple of years ago that the abuse is becoming non-existant but I still suffer with the emotional scars, self-destructive tendancies, dangerous negative feelings and suicidal thoughts. I have written a couple of threads before on my situations:
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1514118
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=30457186
My problem is I feel so disconnected with my parents' culture sometimes. I know the food we eat, and family values. I understand the language but I can't speak it I was born and brought up in Britain so this is the place I call home but I don't want to lose my roots despite what has happened. I wish my parents had spoken more of the language from a young age rather than speaking English to me most of the time. So I want to know about keeping in touch with my roots? I still consider myself British, but I am made to feel like an outcast because I am not perfect and don't know every single thing about Nigeria and can't speak the language.
Sometimes I feel negative about the culture, because of the abuse (the abuse is very much linked to the culture, because that's how a lot of families treat their kids where my parents are from, and kids don't have much of a voice or a social standing). Also there is the lack of individuality and lack of freedom of choice. Maybe that's why there is so much negativity inside me, because my parents spent most of my childhood abusing me and not being very encouraging instead of immersing me in the culture (positive aspects) and language a lot more than they did.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense....but I needed to vent...I am trying to familiarise myself with culture...but I need some advice...
Thanks
Please keep anon.
I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I have had a very turbulent childhood. I was abused from a young age until into my late teens. It's only when I attempted suicide nearly a couple of years ago that the abuse is becoming non-existant but I still suffer with the emotional scars, self-destructive tendancies, dangerous negative feelings and suicidal thoughts. I have written a couple of threads before on my situations:
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1514118
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=30457186
My problem is I feel so disconnected with my parents' culture sometimes. I know the food we eat, and family values. I understand the language but I can't speak it
I was born and brought up in Britain so this is the place I call home but I don't want to lose my roots despite what has happened. I wish my parents had spoken more of the language from a young age rather than speaking English to me most of the time. So I want to know about keeping in touch with my roots? I still consider myself British, but I am made to feel like an outcast because I am not perfect and don't know every single thing about Nigeria and can't speak the language.Sometimes I feel negative about the culture, because of the abuse (the abuse is very much linked to the culture, because that's how a lot of families treat their kids where my parents are from, and kids don't have much of a voice or a social standing). Also there is the lack of individuality and lack of freedom of choice. Maybe that's why there is so much negativity inside me, because my parents spent most of my childhood abusing me and not being very encouraging instead of immersing me in the culture (positive aspects) and language a lot more than they did.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense....but I needed to vent...I am trying to familiarise myself with culture...but I need some advice...
Thanks
What kind of abuse if you mind and how is it linked to the culture? Do you have any Nigeria friends?
Original post by Dominic101
I know that there are many parts of Nigerian culture I wont be passing on to any future kids I have.
What parts?
Original post by Wahala
the traditional marriages aren't even legally valid in nigeria. you have to go to the registrars regardless. as you would here.
Yes they are
Original post by someonesomewherexx
I confess I want a full traditional wedding. The overhead canopies sheltering attendees from the sun, the dancing, the yoruba songs, the yoruba M.C's, the food, the nosy relations, the aunties, the uncles, the friends, aso-ebi, the cerenomy itself, which is pretty terrific e.t.c
I'm probably saying this because i've being to loads and they're absolutely beautiful and good fun plus i got money from relatives to spray which i didn't I do want a church wedding too. When the time comes, i really don't mind getting married in Britain or in Nigeria as long as I get MY traditional wedding . My mom might disagree though..
I'm probably saying this because i've being to loads and they're absolutely beautiful and good fun plus i got money from relatives to spray which i didn't
I do want a church wedding too. When the time comes, i really don't mind getting married in Britain or in Nigeria as long as I get MY traditional wedding . My mom might disagree though..So right, Nigerian tradtional weddings are amazing-so rich and vibrant. You forgot the 'spraying' lol
Original post by Ebuwa
So right, Nigerian tradtional weddings are amazing-so rich and vibrant. You forgot the 'spraying' lol
No I didn't...
I confess I want a full traditional wedding. The overhead canopies sheltering attendees from the sun, the dancing, the yoruba songs, the yoruba M.C's, the food, the nosy relations, the aunties, the uncles, the friends, aso-ebi, the cerenomy itself, which is pretty terrific e.t.c
I'm probably saying this because i've being to loads and they're absolutely beautiful and good fun plus i got money from relatives to spray which i didn't I do want a church wedding too. When the time comes, i really don't mind getting married in Britain or in Nigeria as long as I get MY traditional wedding . My mom might disagree though..
Original post by Ebuwa
What kind of abuse if you mind and how is it linked to the culture? Do you have any Nigeria friends?
Physical, verbal and emotional abuse.
Original post by Ebuwa
So right, Nigerian tradtional weddings are amazing-so rich and vibrant. You forgot the 'spraying' lol
Isn't that illegal now? I remember the last time I was in Nigeria, I saw adverts saying that it was illegal...
Original post by arbaaz
....................
Hey
I quoted you before about going to uni in London.
Well I recently got an offer from a uni up in the North-East of England, so I've decided I shall be going there in September. It's for the best. I love London but I need to get away from my parents.
Original post by someonesomewherexx
No I didn't...
I confess I want a full traditional wedding. The overhead canopies sheltering attendees from the sun, the dancing, the yoruba songs, the yoruba M.C's, the food, the nosy relations, the aunties, the uncles, the friends, aso-ebi, the cerenomy itself, which is pretty terrific e.t.c
I'm probably saying this because i've being to loads and they're absolutely beautiful and good fun plus i got money from relatives to spray which i didn't I do want a church wedding too. When the time comes, i really don't mind getting married in Britain or in Nigeria as long as I get MY traditional wedding . My mom might disagree though..
I confess I want a full traditional wedding. The overhead canopies sheltering attendees from the sun, the dancing, the yoruba songs, the yoruba M.C's, the food, the nosy relations, the aunties, the uncles, the friends, aso-ebi, the cerenomy itself, which is pretty terrific e.t.c
I'm probably saying this because i've being to loads and they're absolutely beautiful and good fun plus i got money from relatives to spray which i didn't I do want a church wedding too. When the time comes, i really don't mind getting married in Britain or in Nigeria as long as I get MY traditional wedding . My mom might disagree though..
Sorry ddin't read it properly
Original post by Anonymous
Isn't that illegal now? I remember the last time I was in Nigeria, I saw adverts saying that it was illegal...
With Naira , yes it is but it is still done.
Original post by Ebuwa
Sorry ddin't read it properly
With Naira , yes it is but it is still done.
With Naira , yes it is but it is still done.
Shame, the spraying was one of the highlights of a traditional wedding for me as a kid
Original post by Ebuwa
What kind of abuse if you mind and how is it linked to the culture? Do you have any Nigeria friends?
What parts?
What parts?
The poor food for one and the general condoning of physical abuse towards
children. Also the fact that children are deemed as lasts to their elders and are meant to be treated with respect and the large amount of casual racism.
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