Polygamy / Open Relationships / Casual Tings: Where do YOU stand?

I'm interested to know how guys and girls feel, hand on heart, about the prospect of polygamous relations, so I thought I'd make a poll. Also interested to hear from those who have attempted open relationships, how forthright you were about things and how you felt these relationships compared to other more 'traditional' relationships in terms of quality/longevity etc

Additional Questions for Discussion:

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?
-Well, it seems generally accepted that yes, men are "wired" to want to spread their seed, especially while young, and it makes sense to take this into account when hearing of a desire to see many women at once, but I'm not sure it would go down terribly well with many women, which is fair enough in its own way, as we're apparently "wired" to want to find someone to settle down and have bebbies with. Silly conflicting evolution.

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?
-Hmmm, well, I guess it's only a step further than still considering other people attractive while you're in love with someone... But I think many people would argue that part of being in love with someone means only wanting them that way.

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?
-A) Nope - if things are clear from the outset then fair enough.
-B) Only if I'd been (deliberately) led to believe beforehand that I would be the only one.
-C) Wouldn't be impressed by that.

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?
-I doubt that things are really that much worse nowadays than ever. Ancient Rome and Greece were pretty randy, and it's been accepted in many cultures - past and present - that men will have affairs. The Spartans were quite interesting - as far as I've gathered, a man or a woman could have as much extra-marital sex as they wanted, as long as it was with someone of the same sex. I think the difference now is that everything is so much more publicised.

I think that being in a relationship with someone for any reason other than wanting to, telling someone you love them when you don't mean it, and marrying someone for a reason other than loving and wanting to spend your life with them debase the currency of these things. Not being open and honest about wanting something more casual.

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?
-Only, I'd have thought, if it is such a person who has been proffered no more than something casual. I doubt that all such people are worrying about it every day - there are many, many people who are looking for something exclusive and meaningful.

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?
-I won't go into my feelings about feminism here, and a friend's just knocked on my door for dinner, so I'll leave it there.

I'm interested to know how guys and girls feel, hand on heart, about the prospect of polygamous relations, so I thought I'd make a poll. Also interested to hear from those who have attempted open relationships, how forthright you were about things and how you felt these relationships compared to other more 'traditional' relationships in terms of quality/longevity etc

Additional Questions for Discussion:

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?

Not really tbh, it's a somewhat patronising view of men in my opinion, as if they're completely controlled by their sexual desires and have no willpower. It also suggests that it's less acceptable if women want a casual relationship, as if they on some level shouldn't want more open sexual relationships but that men 'can't help themselves' or something.

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?

I would have said that it's clearly going to be possible for some people, but not for all. And if they have the clear permission of their partner then it's up to them.

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?

Well if the views of the couple were completely opposed on this issue then I'd find it hard to see how a relationship would be continued. Personally, if a guy tried to discuss a desire for it then I'd probably think very carefully about the future of our relationship, seeing as that just isn't what I want from one. But at the end of the day it's going to be down to each individual couple to decide how to deal with a situation like this.

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?

Well I'm not sure 'love/relationships/matrimony' are best referred to as 'currency'. In my view, horses for courses, I'd never want an open relationship but if someone else wants one who am I to condemn them as long as they aren't hurting anyone?

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?

Are you trying to say that if open relationships are more accepted this will lead to people who want committed relationships being worried that they won't be able to find someone who feels the same as them? Well I've never seen any evidence of it, the vast majority of people aren't in or don't want open relationships and I don't feel that the expectations are that most people want or should want open relationships

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?

I'm interested to know how guys and girls feel, hand on heart, about the prospect of polygamous relations, so I thought I'd make a poll. Also interested to hear from those who have attempted open relationships, how forthright you were about things and how you felt these relationships compared to other more 'traditional' relationships in terms of quality/longevity etc

Additional Questions for Discussion:

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?

I'm interested to know how guys and girls feel, hand on heart, about the prospect of polygamous relations, so I thought I'd make a poll. Also interested to hear from those who have attempted open relationships, how forthright you were about things and how you felt these relationships compared to other more 'traditional' relationships in terms of quality/longevity etc

Additional Questions for Discussion:

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?

Indeedie

Because they've been socially conditioned to expect 'stable', monogomous relations since we moved from the band arrangement to mass civilisational structures, and because lust (the will to mate) has become mixed up with modern conceptions of largely artificial constructs such as egalitarianism (1 for 1), honour, love etc

But does the manner in which we have become accustomed to something negate it? Whether caused by social conditioning or the product of evolution, the fact is that many women do hope for a stable, monogamous relationship. Does it matter why? I wouldn't at all say that honour and love are artificial constructs. They haven't been invented and taught to people - they're embedded within [most of] us, like a moral compass and our scope of emotions, or are those artificial constructs too?

Not so if you look at most social groupings still exhibiting more 'natural' band-like structures, more often than not childrearing/childcare are shared social responsibilities and (dominant) males mate widely within the group. Women are wired to attract a dominant mate time and again but this may not necessarily be the same one, indeed there's some evidence to suggest that they prefer to have more than one male inseminate them so that genetic variation and the best prospects relating to survivability of offspring under differing environmental conditions is achieved

I'ma read up on the above and get back to you, but would like to ask what you mean when you say that "childrearing/childcare" are shared social responsibilities. Do you mean among the group as a whole (or perhaps just the women), or between the parents? If the latter, wouldn't have thought dominant daddy's doing much rearing if he's busy "mating widely."

That's my take on it too, and not only wanting them that way, only wanting them any way with the slightest romantic undertone (from a kiss through to full blown shenanigans..)
Agreed.

Dump in both scenarios or..?

In B I'd discuss it with the guy after expressing my displeasure at having been misled, but in C I would feel a deficiency in the relationship (and in me) had been implied, so would be more likely to leave, yes.


Spartan men got a rough deal

Ha.

Aye, but surely that is accelerating the rate of promiscuity and the decline of the institution of marriage etc?

No, I don't think so. It doesn't mean it's happening any more frequently, or encouraging others to "get involved." Just that it's more well-known.

Dread to think what getting married under those conditions must be like

Aye...

Sure there are, but take student-age people for example - the supposition is that (attractive, outgoing, red blooded) males who girls may have their eye on are well catered for by girls who are 'down for whatever', this creates will he/won't he, should I/shouldn't I anxiety in the way I've described (re: pushing the envelope where 'going out'/'going steady' is concerned)

I think an attractive, outgoing, red-blooded male may be better catered for by girls who think they will, at some point, snare him. I'd imagine that if girls were told before anything had happened that he would never be theirs they wouldn't be up for very much after all. Unless they're the slaggy ones. Who maybe aren't the type a guy would want to be snared by anyway...

Oh yes you will young lady!

Nope. :P They're not terribly relevant.

What if their partner said they were fine with it? I still think it's a warped kind of 'in love', even if a partner gives permission / seems ok with it. I loved my ex but wasn't in love with her, so didn't think twice about serving other girls when our exclusivity arrangement ended.. had I been in love with her I don't think that would've been the case at all

What, even if they said "just wondering what you thought about it?", seems a tad harsh no?

Most guys want to be with other people, if often only for a short period/in a limited sense, at some stage, hell most women probably do at times too!- hence all those people who think of others while they're having sex with someone! (never done that myself)

For sure but quite a few people worry enough as it is about being seen to force the issue/get too serious/move too fast - my point is that the rise in casual relationships, and hence expectations of more casual attitudes, is likely adding to these concerns

Nope, it's just useful sometimes to understand the context in which certain phenomena come about

To those women I would say that perhaps they need to consider the context within which the social norms that have shaped their own expectations have come about and ask themselves whether it is truly perspicacious to think purely in terms dictated by arbitrary/artificial social norms often effectively put in place to to some extent to 'tame the beast' that is man

Hope is fine, but too fond a hope is harmful - young women need to understand the nature of man, in order to arrive at a balanced view/realistic hopes and to insulate themselves somewhat, or at least prepare themselves, for the fact that certain types of males are ostensibly programmed not to comply with such social dictat

Do (many such) guys really (always) want to be 'snared' by one girl and one girl only though?

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?

Hope is fine, but too fond a hope is harmful - young women need to understand the nature of man, in order to arrive at a balanced view/realistic hopes and to insulate themselves somewhat, or at least prepare themselves, for the fact that certain types of males are ostensibly programmed not to comply with such social dictat


Okay, exchange "look for" for "hope for" in what I wrote. And indeed, certain types of males (guessing you are again thinking of young, attractive, red-blooded males here, though in fairness I know many of those at your uni who are delightfully loved up with just one girl ) seem not to seek monogamous relationships.

Honour is a fantastical, romantic concept, as is love. That does not mean I deny that such concepts exist in the minds of many/do not value them myself, more that I believe that they have been used to (usefully) characterise certain behaviours that are not typically found in nature, that enable mankind (and leaders) to raise the stock of men above our animal essence

I maintain that they are natural behaviours, inherent in those of us who are not psychopaths, and that they have been created/quantified only in being given a man-made name.


Now that half the UK population use facebook.. perhaps we can pinch their stats on 'In an open relationship' trends over time to see who's right

..remind me about this in 10 years time


The stats won't be accurate - I have a lot of female friends jokingly in open relationships with each other, as well as engaged or married.


Without doubt, but implicit in your response is some acceptance that girls might see such an (implicitly 'accommodating', if determined) tac as necessary
I don't understand your response here... It's not a neccessary tac to appear as if you believe you'll end up with the guy - would have thought that would hinder more than help things, if the guy has any sense of decency. Just saying that I think a lot of girls who agree to open relationships are secretly hoping that they'll win the guy over into exclusivity, and that that's why they'll cater for him.

Do (many such) guys really (always) want to be 'snared' by one girl and one girl only though?


That was just a dig at slaggy girls - wasn't supposed to be some sort of profound point about what guys want.

I'm interested to know how guys and girls feel, hand on heart, about the prospect of polygamous relations, so I thought I'd make a poll. Also interested to hear from those who have attempted open relationships, how forthright you were about things and how you felt these relationships compared to other more 'traditional' relationships in terms of quality/longevity etc

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?

It's not a case of being "snared" and to put it in such terms is rather sad

To be fair, "snared" was my word (not sure if you saw that) and I used it to infer the reluctance on the part of the guy to enter the monogamous relationship that a girl might want.

Standard. Out of interest, what was he doing with his life at the time?

Likewise, but then there's sexual health, so I prefer to know if a casual partner does owt with someone else..

So you're sexually exclusive, interesting I guess that's the ideal where a lot of girls at uni are concerned, they like to flirt about and maybe pull a tall, dark, handsome stranger but most would probably rather not shag about/get a rep etc..

Haha, I'm not 'scared' exactly but 'old habits..' n all that, and I've only been strictly monogamous for a year or two out of the past 10+ years I've been sexually active for!

P.S. How's Windsor working out? Hope you're not one of the ill kids afflicted by the Windsor plague mush!

I'm interested to know how guys and girls feel, hand on heart, about the prospect of polygamous relations, so I thought I'd make a poll. Also interested to hear from those who have attempted open relationships, how forthright you were about things and how you felt these relationships compared to other more 'traditional' relationships in terms of quality/longevity etc

Additional Questions for Discussion:

1) Should men, being more driven, and arguably programmed to 'spread their seed', meet with more sympathy/understanding if they express a desire to be 'casual'?

2) Do you believe that a guy/girl can, conceivably, be in love with a person if they want to sleep with someone else (and would be prepared to do it assuming they secured their partner's permission)?

3) Would the discussion of such a desire be grounds for dumping - if they asked: A) When you'd just started dating; B) Once you'd slept together; C) When you'd been together for say a year?

4) Do people believe that the casual/open relationship trend, evermore pervasive among young people in 21st century Britain, has debased the currency of relationships, love and matrimony in general?

5) Are expectations concerning less formal relationships leading to greater anxiety on the part of people who want to feel wanted/special?

Indeed, do girls feel that feminism has shot itself in the foot here?- Girls seem to be evermore concerned with "how can I get him to make us official" etc ~ striking the right balance between being available/laid back vs. being used, or demanding certain respect/seriousness vs. being too pushy/a stick in the mud; has 'girl power' and sexual liberation gone too far?