Just woke up after a drug induced sleep so here is what has been happening over the last three days for anyone who cares to read on:
Thursday: Came back to uni after being away for a week and a half, met my friends outside their exam and surprised them by taking them to lunch. Feeling rather jumpy and overexcitable, singing in the street etc. on a kind of high.
Things started to get worse Thursday evening, I went back to my room and stayed there and started to dip into a dangerously low mood where I began to become a danger to myself. Decided to try and sleep on it as sometimes I can wake up in the morning and feel better.
Friday: Woke up feeling even worse, even more a danger to myself, booked an emergency gp appt for that afternoon and then tried to sleep the rest of the day away to get away from the tormenting thoughts. My friend came with me to the drs appt because I nearly cancelled as I was too afraid to leave my room for fear of what might happen or what I might do.
Doctor talked through what was happening, wanted to refer me to the crisis team but that meant heading to the hospital which I didn't want to do so he prescribed me 2mg diazepam to take up to 3 times a day and the numbers of the crisis teams to call if the diazepam didn't work. Took the diazepam straight away and then went home but was dragged out to a bbq (which I had originally organised but cancelled when I felt ****) by my friends and seeing as the pills had started working I went. Came home and took a third diazepam and fell asleep as my escape from the torment once again. Woke up at 3am and took another to get back to sleep again.
Saturday: Woke up feeling even worse didn't want to leave my room, was feeling extremely impulsive and ended up spending way too much on a takeaway that i can't afford and then buying ice creams for the whole flat when the van came round. As the day went on I was getting worse and I was meant to be meeting my friends after their last exam and going shopping and for cocktails but I wasn't answering their calls. I began counting all the pills in my room and laying them next to my bed when I decided it might be tme to call the crisis team. They said they would call me back asap when my friend barged in (the one I hadn't been answering her calls) and saw me in the mess that I was in. She was convinced I had taken them all (which I hadn't) and immediately called my two other closest friends. She wanted to call an ambulance, granted I was rather non-responsive but only because I just wanted them to go and leave me in the pit that I was in and wish for it all to go away. They managed to get my mothers number even though I threw my phone out of the window and called her, she called my dad and he was frantically talking to my friends who told him to come and get me, not that he needed telling. I was so furious with my friends that I tried to run away before my dad came but they tackled me (one of my friends os a rather large guy) and kept me from getting too far. Between all this the crisis team had called and spoken to me, they gave me a number to call whenever and said they would check up on me tomorrow. My friends were just sitting in my room with me stopping me going until my dad got there. They still wanted to take me to A+E and I was happy to let them because frankly I didn't care anymore I just wanted to world to swallow me up so that I could disappear and get away from this hell. Eventually my dad arrived and threw my friends out the room so he could talk to me and with his mind games he eventually forced me to come with him. I had also taken an extra diazepam because the crisis team man had said I could but it still hadn't worked and I had an absolutely horrific headache so we drove home and I got in, got back into bed and took a sleeping pill to escape once more from the worst day of my life.
Sunday: Woke up at 3am again but eventually got back to sleep, woke up this morning and typed this monster of a post. It feels good to type this out, congratulations to anyone who has actually read it. My mum has just come in and told me she has organised a bbq for friends tonight which means I am actually going to have to make an effort and show my face. Oh hey diazepam, please work for me tonight! Got a gp appointment tomorrow back at uni where she will hopefully tell me what we are going to try next to escape from this hell hole.
Apologies for the long post people, thanks for being there :grouphug: