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I feel so disconnected from my parents' culture...and it has been making me depressed

Hi

Please keep anon.

I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I have had a very turbulent childhood. I was abused from a young age until into my late teens. It's only when I attempted suicide nearly a couple of years ago that the abuse is becoming non-existant but I still suffer with the emotional scars, self-destructive tendancies, dangerous negative feelings and suicidal thoughts. I have written a couple of threads before on my situations:

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1514118

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=30457186

My problem is I feel so disconnected with my parents' culture sometimes. I know the food we eat, and family values. I understand the language but I can't speak it :frown: I was born and brought up in Britain so this is the place I call home but I don't want to lose my roots despite what has happened. I wish my parents had spoken more of the language from a young age rather than speaking English to me most of the time. So I want to know about keeping in touch with my roots? I still consider myself British, but I am made to feel like an outcast because I am not perfect and don't know every single thing about Nigeria and can't speak the language.

Sometimes I feel negative about the culture, because of the abuse (the abuse is very much linked to the culture, because that's how a lot of families treat their kids where my parents are from, and kids don't have much of a voice or a social standing). Also there is the lack of individuality and lack of freedom of choice. Maybe that's why there is so much negativity inside me, because my parents spent most of my childhood abusing me and not being very encouraging instead of immersing me in the culture (positive aspects) and language a lot more than they did.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense....but I needed to vent...I am trying to familiarise myself with culture...but I need some advice...

Thanks

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Reply 1
I feel so stupid....so depressed...so ashamed of myself. :cry: I burst into tears sometimes because of how things have turned out....it's a shame....we could have been such a good family...but my parents' actions (especially my dad) have ruined the family. How could they treat me this way (like a slave owner treats a slave) and expect me to have good self-image. Don't worry, I am not ashamed to be a black African person (of decent), I just wish I was more connected with the culture. I thought I was connected...but I realised recently, that I am not really. :frown:

:sad:
Reply 2
Please don't judge me. None of this is my fault.
you are british, not nigerian... it doesn't matter what your "roots" are because they are not who you are... YOU are who you are and that is nothing to do with britain or nigeria.

please don't be sad because no one is perfect... i see you as british as do most people... not that it matters...

i understand you are struggling with personal identity but you cannot dwell on what you do not have, and you don't have the nigerian culture or language. if you want to that badly, then take lessons or move to nigeria.


you are worth so much more than the way your dad treats you, none of it it your fault... it is his.. do not believe for one second you are to blame and do not believe it makes you worthless... you are you and you need to be strong. try and be independant, do well in your exams so you can have a bright future free of your parents.
(edited 12 years ago)
Reply 4
Original post by Bellissima
you are british, not nigerian... it doesn't matter what your "roots" are because they are not who you are... YOU are who you are and that is nothing to do with britain or nigeria.

please don't be sad because no one is perfect... i see you as british as do most people... not that it matters...

i understand you are struggling with personal identity but you cannot dwell on what you do not have, and you don't have the nigerian culture or language. if you want to that badly, then take lessons or move to nigeria.


Hi thanks for your reply.

Yes you are right. I am British. But I like to call myself British, British born and bred, but of Nigerian descent. But the strange thing is people in my family don't want me to identify myself as British, it's seen as a sin, but my parents chose to raise me here :confused: It's strange...but then again they really don't like white people very much because of the slave trade and stuff like that....but my dad has treated my like how the slave masters treated their slaves...

The thing is I want to embrace the culture and language more. But I guess my problem is I've experienced more of the negatives than the positives.

I just needed to express myself because this identity issue was one of the reasons I tried to kill myself
Reply 5
Original post by Bellissima
you are worth so much more than the way your dad treats you, none of it it your fault... it is his.. do not believe for one second you are to blame and do not believe it makes you worthless... you are you and you need to be strong. try and be independant, do well in your exams so you can have a bright future free of your parents.


Thanks :biggrin: I tried to do well in my exams but I didn't do well so I couldn't get into any uni last year. :sad: It was so disappointing and disheartening.

I am trying to get help and trying to cope. I recently went to my doctor who knows about my situation and she agreed to refer me to have CBT.
Identify yourself as who you want to be, what they want doesn't matter, it sounds like you've distanced yourself because of the abuse and why would you want to identify yourself closely with that? Be who you're comfortable being identified as, don't let anyone else decide
Original post by Anonymous
Hi thanks for your reply.

Yes you are right. I am British. But I like to call myself British, British born and bred, but of Nigerian descent. But the strange thing is people in my family don't want me to identify myself as British, it's seen as a sin, but my parents chose to raise me here :confused: It's strange...but then again they really don't like white people very much because of the slave trade and stuff like that....but my dad has treated my like how the slave masters treated their slaves...

The thing is I want to embrace the culture and language more. But I guess my problem is I've experienced more of the negatives than the positives.

I just needed to express myself because this identity issue was one of the reasons I tried to kill myself


they chose to bring you into this world while they were living in britain... of course you are going to be british! what do they expect? they have no right to tell you how you should identify yourself... if you identify yourself as nigerian (which you clearly don't) then fair enough but if you identify yourself as british then that is what you are.

i think the reason you are so upset about your roots thing is because depsite what they do to us parents always influence us and i think you might be feeling that way because you feel like you OUGHT to connect to nigeria because it's what your parents expect..

have you ever even been to nigeria? how many times?

anyway if you want to try to identify a bit more with nigeria then you should, but do it for yourself, not for others.. i'm not really sure how you could go about it... maybe start listening to nigerian music? go to a nigerian language class (if you can find one)?
if you feel like you can, tell your mum or another family member how you want to get more into their culture?

i'm not really sure why you want to be something that it doesn't sound like you are though.. and it sound like the only experience you've had of nigerian culture is negative..

stay strong!
Reply 8
If you want to be 'more' Nigerian just start small. Maybe eat some Nigerian foods, talk loudly on the phone and be late for everything.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks :biggrin: I tried to do well in my exams but I didn't do well so I couldn't get into any uni last year. :sad: It was so disappointing and disheartening.

I am trying to get help and trying to cope. I recently went to my doctor who knows about my situation and she agreed to refer me to have CBT.


don't give up! it's not the end! there are other courses, or you could resit.. sometimes uni isn't for everyone either.. you could do an apprenticeship if that interests you...
Original post by Anonymous
Hi thanks for your reply.

Yes you are right. I am British. But I like to call myself British, British born and bred, but of Nigerian descent. But the strange thing is people in my family don't want me to identify myself as British, it's seen as a sin, but my parents chose to raise me here :confused: It's strange...but then again they really don't like white people very much because of the slave trade and stuff like that....but my dad has treated my like how the slave masters treated their slaves...

The thing is I want to embrace the culture and language more. But I guess my problem is I've experienced more of the negatives than the positives.

I just needed to express myself because this identity issue was one of the reasons I tried to kill myself


I'm a british person of nigerian descent too so I can sort of understand where you are coming from but the thing is I don't think that the fact that you aren't engaged in nigerian culture is the problem in fact i'd probably say you should stray as far away from nigerian culture as possibly because it is innately quite brutish and backwards.
Reply 11
Original post by Bellissima
they chose to bring you into this world while they were living in britain... of course you are going to be british! what do they expect? they have no right to tell you how you should identify yourself... if you identify yourself as nigerian (which you clearly don't) then fair enough but if you identify yourself as british then that is what you are.

i think the reason you are so upset about your roots thing is because depsite what they do to us parents always influence us and i think you might be feeling that way because you feel like you OUGHT to connect to nigeria because it's what your parents expect..

have you ever even been to nigeria? how many times?

anyway if you want to try to identify a bit more with nigeria then you should, but do it for yourself, not for others.. i'm not really sure how you could go about it... maybe start listening to nigerian music? go to a nigerian language class (if you can find one)?
if you feel like you can, tell your mum or another family member how you want to get more into their culture?

i'm not really sure why you want to be something that it doesn't sound like you are though.. and it sound like the only experience you've had of nigerian culture is negative..

stay strong!


I have been to Nigeria a few times in my life. Also throughout my life I have grown up sometimes hearing the language, speaking a tiny bit of it, eating the food regularly and going to nigerian family events. I once in a while my mum will play Nigerian music and watch Nigerian films (though most of them are awful).

But I agree with you...I guess my problem is I have experienced more of the negatives - abuse, what they want me to be - the ideal daughter and that has had a more detrimental effect on me - low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, self-harming, feeling like I should never have been born/born into the wrong family, not being allowed to be myself, being oppressed.....

It's sad. It's a shame.
Original post by Anonymous
I have been to Nigeria a few times in my life. Also throughout my life I have grown up sometimes hearing the language, speaking a tiny bit of it, eating the food regularly and going to nigerian family events. I once in a while my mum will play Nigerian music and watch Nigerian films (though most of them are awful).

But I agree with you...I guess my problem is I have experienced more of the negatives - abuse, what they want me to be - the ideal daughter and that has had a more detrimental effect on me - low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, self-harming, feeling like I should never have been born/born into the wrong family, not being allowed to be myself, being oppressed.....

It's sad. It's a shame.


it is a shame, maybe if you listen to some comedians who are of nigerian descent who make jokes about nigeria, maybe it will make you feel better? andi osho... gina yashere... like maybe it will put you in touch more with being a brit from nigerian descent..

i think getting away from your parents, egtting some independance will be the first step to improving how you feel... do you have a job?
Reply 13
Original post by pillow4
If you want to be 'more' Nigerian just start small. Maybe eat some Nigerian foods, talk loudly on the phone and be late for everything.


Hahaha! :lol:

I know what you mean, a lot of them do are like that (talking loudly and arriving late).

I have eaten Nigerian foods all my life. And I understand the language, but I want to learn more of it and speak more of it (I only speak a little bit).
Reply 14
Original post by Bellissima
don't give up! it's not the end! there are other courses, or you could resit.. sometimes uni isn't for everyone either.. you could do an apprenticeship if that interests you...


:smile:

I am reapplying to do a course with a foundation year. I got a place at a uni in London. Thing is I already live in London, and I need to move out somehow....
Reply 15
Original post by Dominic101
I'm a british person of nigerian descent too so I can sort of understand where you are coming from but the thing is I don't think that the fact that you aren't engaged in nigerian culture is the problem in fact i'd probably say you should stray as far away from nigerian culture as possibly because it is innately quite brutish and backwards.


I agree with you, I seen certain parts of it which are like that it's unbelieveable. :mad:

But I love the food :smile:
Reply 16
even though you are living in london currently, and have got a place in a uni in london you can still live away from home in halls or in flats.... tons of people in my uni did.

:smile:
Reply 17
Original post by Dominic101
I'm a british person of nigerian descent too so I can sort of understand where you are coming from but the thing is I don't think that the fact that you aren't engaged in nigerian culture is the problem in fact i'd probably say you should stray as far away from nigerian culture as possibly because it is innately quite brutish and backwards.


Do you distance yourself from the culture?
Original post by Anonymous
Do you distance yourself from the culture?


I know that there are many parts of Nigerian culture I wont be passing on to any future kids I have.
Reply 19
Original post by Bellissima
i think getting away from your parents, egtting some independance will be the first step to improving how you feel... do you have a job?


Yeah I agree....I need to get away....as I want to go to uni I will get away through that, even if I stay in London. But I will try to get away from London. A teacher who knows a bit about my situation has told me that I need to leave. I have been told that I need to leave by various people. And I want to.

I had a job, but I was a temp, so I recently finished. :frown: I've been applying constantly for jobs. Also I am doing freelance work.

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