Mental Health Support Society MKVII

I don't know what I have, I'm assuming it's chronic sleep deprivation, 4-5 hours sleep at best since last year. I let it slip for a long time, then I tried to tackle it myself not wanting to resort to sleeping pills etc, everything is a huge struggle mentally though - I just can't think, make decisions on the most basic things. My brain is now absolute mush. I didn't think it was possible to feel this mentally disabled yet feel 'normal' in other respects. I feel like I'm here but I'm not. I just can't do anything. I've been a doctor at a walk in clinic; waste of time. Got an appointment with my GP tomorrow; at best maybe I'll get sleeping pills? But, predictably (and I hate predictable), what will the next chapter be like? They bring on something worse? I'm just feeling real sorry for myself lol...I was finally beginning to find myself, and I like to think of myself as a decent person, taking enjoyment from thinking ahead of how to make the world a better place...but now I am in the worst place of my life and being (once again, predictably) taking advantage by thick, not as nice as they think they are people. One quote sticks in my mind "Darren, I don't get enough sleep but I have to keep on going" Ffs I know what not getting enough sleep is like...almost everyone has that...sleepy in the afternoon etc...feeling sleepy but you CAN do plenty of stuff...not pure exhaustion and feeling like death, being a mental zombie.

I've been feeling like a zombie too the last few days, im not "tired" exactly, i can easily get up, move around and stay awake, but mentally i feel shattered. I can barely do anything when i have things i need to do in the next few days, and i'm feeling the worst i have for months.

I think there are quite a few reasons i feel so crap atm, i've mentioned them here before and got no response so it's probably just standard stuff.

Theres so many different types of sleeping pills and other methods, always give it all a try, just on the offchance.

You won't be alone forever, there is always someone out there for everyone.

At the end of one my fave songs at the moment the lyrics go:

'The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid, but I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave'

It's hard, and it's difficult to explain to people who don't understand. I'm gradually pushing away all the people who are around, and I don't think I'd make anyone a good girlfriend. I'm too insecure and I'm just not good enough for anyone, I know that. It's also very rare that I click with people, particularly in a romantic sense. I just don't want to be alone anymore. Even if it's not now, I want to know that one day I won't be alone. I look into my future and I can't see it being any different. If someone could tell me I won't end up alone, it would make being alone now slightly more bearable. If that makes sense.

Existential crisis ahoy.

Hmm standard? You mean in terms of depression? I thought I knew what depression was during my teens...I'd have a day or two here or there (like, once a year) where I'd feel under a cloud, really sad for no particular reason. Unshakable sadness. Was this more simply an off day most people get though? I'm assuming depression has to be awful compared to that. Maybe that is what I have. Though I am definitely getting no sleep, so that can't be doing me any good.

Thanks for talking back

I hope you're right, I really do. Being 20 and never having been in a proper relationship just feels like a bad sign.

yeah, definitely is hard to explain to people, heck if I said this to most of my friends at Uni they would probably just spout bs like "man up" or whatever. I get like that too, I feel like nobody wants to be with me and they shouldn't cause I feel like I am a pretty crap person tbh. I don't even feel like people are interested me ever, so that just reinforces my own view of myself really. I don't even know what im gonna do in my future, all I see is negative things that will probably happen when I look at it right now, I guess one of the few things that keeps me going is the faint, fading delusion that someday someone will want to be with me

No worries, its why we're all here. If you have days here or there where u feel like crap, perhaps for no reason, that's normal; almost everyone gets that i think. Mention to your GP or whoever that it is sleep in particular, limited sleep does all kinds of ****

Before i started taking citalopram not a day would go by where i wouldnt feel like utter ****, for at least a few hours, if not the whole day. I would spend 5-30 mins at a time staring into space thinking about how much of a failure i was, and i would get that multiple times a day.

I still ocassionally get panic attacks, where im stuck in bed for hours at a time shaking, but now is the first time i have self harmed in a while, which is worrying.

I hope you're right, I really do. Being 20 and never having been in a proper relationship just feels like a bad sign.

Is that against the rules?

Yeah, when I even mention this to my best female friend she just goes off on a feminist rant about how I don't need a man to make me happy and I should be all independent woman. Either that or she'll suggest that I go out, get drunk and sleep with some random guy, which is not something I want to do. She's been in relationships since she was about 14/15, I don't think she gets it at all. And I definitely can't talk to my best male friend about it.

People are very, very rarely interested in me. When they are, I always f*** it up or I'm not interested back.

Yeah, when I even mention this to my best female friend she just goes off on a feminist rant about how I don't need a man to make me happy and I should be all independent woman. Either that or she'll suggest that I go out, get drunk and sleep with some random guy, which is not something I want to do. She's been in relationships since she was about 14/15, I don't think she gets it at all. And I definitely can't talk to my best male friend about it.

People are very, very rarely interested in me. When they are, I always f*** it up or I'm not interested back.

I hope not, I care not, I just want to be someone different. Always want to be someone different. Never happy with my life.

Thanks again

Hmm this sounds like depression is linked to how you're feeling as a person. Thankfully I don't think that's my issue at all. I just feel like **** in terms of not being able to think, total lack of mental energy, memory probs etc. Not depression. ****ing sleep.

One of my housemates has something like insomnia, basically he finds it reaaal hard to get to sleep, he'll spend hours staying awake, and he'll be tired but unable to sleep. Even then, he doesnt sleep much. I think he takes sleeping pills mainly.

I know theres a bunch of natural things like breathing exercises, herbal teas and dos and don'ts to help you get good sleep, maybe a combination of all of them would help a bit? Unless you've tried a lot of that kind of stuff already. I have a lot of trouble sleeping myself but that's the least of my worries lol.

One of my housemates has something like insomnia, basically he finds it reaaal hard to get to sleep, he'll spend hours staying awake, and he'll be tired but unable to sleep. Even then, he doesnt sleep much. I think he takes sleeping pills mainly.

I know theres a bunch of natural things like breathing exercises, herbal teas and dos and don'ts to help you get good sleep, maybe a combination of all of them would help a bit? Unless you've tried a lot of that kind of stuff already. I have a lot of trouble sleeping myself but that's the least of my worries lol.

Make lemonade?

Trust me, one night stands don't make you feel better, they are rather self-destructive in our states and just lead to more insecurities and triggers.

oh, that probably isn't helpful no, not really sure how a one night stand is supposed to make you feel better or be feminist for that matter :/ clearly not yeah. I don't really have any close friends right now even if they did live nearby

I know the feeling, though is rare im not interested in someone which is weird I guess :/

First kiss - 18 when I was pissed off my face, dressed in a school girl outfit on hallowe'en, 2 stone over weight. First proper relationship (I don't count the douchebag I 'dated' for a month anymore) - 20 years and a lot old, with a guy I truly love, who I hope to be with for the rest of my life. I know people who didn't even kiss a person until they were 21/22... don't forget that most people don't find their soul mate until later in life, like mid 20s. Don't put a time limit on love!


I hope not, I care not, I just want to be someone different. Always want to be someone different. Never happy with my life.

No lemons, just dog ****. Not much you can make from that.