Depression Society MKVI

Yer its understandable but I hate it, he has loads of friends and is constantly doing stuff, and boring old me just waits around until he is free to see me! Wish I was less boring!

But nah I will, spend most of my life feeling like an outsider so trust me I will, but I will try to push past it and stick around

manage to get any work done? Still not done anymore of mine!

Same thing with my best friend. And I often feel exactly the same

I really want to do the same. Just need to spend less time thinking about the consequences.

I haven't touched work today .

The "heavy" feeling of sorrow and despair is returning, although I'm still smiling

Yer it is pretty rough, but just got to try to ignore all that so that I don't completely ruin the relationship!

haha I haven't touched my work today either, but really need to finish it ASAP! got so much work I need to finish for university getting quite stressed!

Feeling pretty **** again tonight, why must the nights just be so much worse then the rest of the day? Just keep smiling though hun always the answer

At least it's summer so depressing days can end quicker but more quicker for depressing days to start.

Don't get too stressed about work

Yeah nights seem worse because there is nothing to do while lying down in bed (unless, you know ). But anyway, like you said, we should be optimistic

I always get stressed about work, well I don't until a week or 2 before it has to be in

haha Yer I do think that part of the issue with nights is the being on your own with nothing to do but I don't know, they are just silly, we shouldn't have them! I really wish I didn't need to sleep as well, life would be so much easier!

But yes we should be optimistic, so if you find out how all that optimism stuff works can you please let me know, I would love to try it! I just wish I wasn't me anymore!

God I am so all over the place tonight .... sorry rambled a lot there!

At least some of you have girl/boy friends.

At least some of you have girl/boy friends.

I love my boy with all my heart but truthfully, our relationship is hard to maintain ~ as its long distance - and the heartache I often feel is something I could do without.

Having a partner or special friend doesn't make everything go away, it has benefits, but it comes with its own whole range of problems.

Oh I see. I wish I could have that though, a partner I could be open with etc. I've never had one so I've always seen people with a partner as extremely lucky people because they're guaranteed at least one person to show affection to towards them.

Sigh...Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, that I will never be able to do anything worthwhile because I'm not what people want..It's hit me so much now because it's time to start applying for internships/jobs...while I have no problem writing CV's and cover letters, I can't help but think that they'll have an extremely different perception of me, If I get invited for an interview that I will be very crap at...I'm just tired of feeling this way I guess. Sorry if this is the wrong thread to write this in.

Boyfriend is no more.

i am depressed, what kind of rituals do you guys recommend?

Having another day where I'm pissed off with my meds.

Today it's because I've decided I might want to try grapefruit, but Mr Quetiapine says "NO".

If I wasn't so scared of relapse and ending up back in hospital I would be doing this -> to Mr Quetiapine, but as it is...

Had a terrible appt with my CPN and Psychiatrist. They did the whole "What do you think we should do" routine, which didn't help, and when I said I was confused and didn't know what to do, they just sat there in silence until I said something. I find the whole experience with them is really invalidating, and I never feel they understand me. Ironic how we talk about invalidating experiences in DBT, but the majority of my contact with the CMHT (with the exception of the Social Worker who does my DBT with me) is extremely invalidating.

I'm lowering the dose of one of my meds (Mirtazapine) to hopefully make it less sedating, but I may feel worse emotionally. I don't really know. Neither do they. They keep saying how I look more happy and how I'm wearing shorts so I must be feeling better... but I still feel like ****. I don't know, a lot of people say I seem happier but I don't feel it. I don't know what I feel. Sometimes I think maybe subconsciously I am making everything up and I am a great big attention seeker. But maybe the ADs are working, I don't know. I'm just one big confused emotional mess

So I go see the psychiatrist, and she wants me on a mood stabilizer. She prescribes me Carbamazepine. I ask if this means I can come off of my Olanzapine or at least reduce it, but she says no. I'm worried I'm on too many meds. I'm currently on 200mg sertraline, 10mg procyclodine, 20mg olanzapine, 10mg diazepam, 5mg nitrazepam and now 400mg carbamazepine. I am really worried. I know that my meds are keeping me relatively stable though because a few months ago I decided not to take my meds and I ended up going a bit mad.

Hope you're all well!

I felt like crap last night so I went on a self help book buying binge. £40 later and I finally have that CBT workbook my CPN told me to get when I saw him 2 years ago, books on stopping emotional and binge eating, a book using CBT again to beat depression and a book on stopping procrastination. I had better be ****ing perfect by the time I've finished reading all these!

Just got a text from a rather lovely young man I met in hospital.

It would be right when I'm about to go home for Easter .

Still, I can see him when I get back.

This may not work very well as I'm on my phone under my duvet... God I can't deal with this any more everything is on top of me, I haven't feel like this in years. I'm so frustrated with life, with my BFs life, with the way the world is, things I can't change. I hate this country and indeed the world with its selfishness and greed. I have no-one to call or text as I have no friends and my BF isn't replying to me again.

I got thinking about some what ifs - I'm too fragile and weak for the harsh realities of life. All the what ifs ended with me killing myself and I honestly think that would be the solution to most of my problems; the only thing that stops me is my family. I think I've hit rock bottom its taking all the strength I have to not hurt myself right now

In other news, bowling with a beard may have made me one or two new friends. Cue anxiety and negative thoughts.

New friends? You must cultivate them! Either it goes well, in which case woop, or badly, in which case we (that is, the non-vegetarian members of depsoc) eat them. Win-win situation.