The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre Mark II

Hey everyone! I'm new to the TSR Community, just started using it even though I created an account back in Febuary. However, I'm in a LDR. I'm in the UK, he's in America in Philadelphia. I met him 23rd March 2015, we started dating 8th December 2015, so it's nearly been 6 months now. However, we keep arguing. Over the pettiest of stuff, I'm extremely overprotective but he knows why, so is he. However, these past 4-5 days we've been at each others throats because I was in Bulgaria for a week, I met a guy there and Justin didn't like it at all, it's as if I can't have friends, you know? I know he trusts me, but sometimes it gets on my nerves that he automatically hates any guy I talk to or hang out with. Yet he turns it on me and says 'oh well you're the same' .. Ok, yeah I get annoyed, but I'm not constantly on at him for it, as long as he makes it clear they're just a friend, then I'm ok. But with him it's as if it's the end of the damn world. I think it was yesterday or the day before, I woke up at 4:30am (11:30pm his time - 5hr time difference) and he kept me awake til 7:30am.. The reason was because he brought up this girl that I really dislike, she messed things up for me and him last summer, and he also is to blame. I won't go into it.. but basically I don't like her at all. So he tells me 'Babe you're gonna be mad.. 4 months ago I was flirting with her..' yet he'd ALREADY told me about 2 months ago that last year he was talking to other girls besides me, but he only just told me recently. How does he think that makes me feel? He said 'Babe it wasn't anything serious.. please don't be mad..' etc etc..

OF COURSE, I'm going to be mad, not only did you **** me over. You've been lying to me. When I met him I had a bunch of guy friends because I don't get along well with girls. I cut off so many people, I barely talk to any of them now, he knows me inside and out basically everything about me and he thinks it's ok to do that and not be mad at him? Is he serious? There's no justifying it. We bicker, we argue, but I honestly don't know what to do. We were both crying on the phone. I said 'If you were going to do this, and you've hurt me several times already, you shouldn't have made me fall in love with you.. You're hurting me and you don't even care. I've cut off so many people for you, I have guys flirting with me and I haven't even bothered with any of them because I love you. Yet you go and back stab me yet again.. I don't even know what to say to you right now.'

So he told me to calm down, that he wanted to 'explain'. Due to it being early in the morning, I was exhausted.. I don't remember much of what he said but he basically turned it all on me saying 'You messed up in March, who was there for you when this and that happened? Do I go out talking to other chicks and sleeping with them? No because I love you' etc etc..

What do you think I should do? Forget about it and try to forgive him?.. I don't know

Hello!
So, I can't say that I'm a LDR expert but I've been in a LDR for almost a year now; we're both from Italy, but I'm living in the UK and he's living in Germany. So I understand a bit about this situation.
I've read your post, and in my opinion, it seems that you don't trust each other enough. It is probably because you've both "messed up" a couple of times (and I don't think you've moved on from these episodes yet). Also, from what you say it's not the LDR that has messed up your trust for each other but he didn't trust you from the beginning if he made you cut off so many people! So that's not really fair, a relationship should GIVE you something, not TAKE it from you.

In every relationship trusting the other person is important, but in a LDR it's ESSENTIAL that you trust each other 100%. He can't be with you every single moment so he can't "control" you, and you can't control him, all you know about his life is what he tells you when you speak/text, and vice versa. So you have to feel confident that he's telling you the truth, always, and that he's not going to sleep with another girl as soon as he hungs up the phone on you. And, of course, he has to trust you as well.
So I think you should think whether you do trust one another and if you do, then you have to stop bringing up the past and start fresh, and having other-sex friends shouldn't bother you because you KNOW they're just friends because you TELL each other.
If you can't do that, then I think you should end this relationship soon, because you're missing out on so many things and so many nice people out there... If you have to choose between being in a bad LDR and being single, choose being single. LDRs are so hard, you have to be 101% sure about it, otherwise it just ruins your life!

So sorry for the late reply, I've had exams going on, Me and Justin are ok now. However, we did have an arguement last night but it was only petty so we decided to drop it. Thank you so much for that advice, it does help a lot.

I guess it is hard for us to move on from past situations that occurred, I really don't fully understand why myself. I've always been hung up on the past, not just with him but with my whole life in general it's very hard for me to let things go because whatever the situation is it always links back to something with my past. I did cut off so many people, which I shouldn't have had to do, but I did because I love him. It's difficult for me now because I'm trying to rekindle friendships and either it's not working or Justin doesn't like it. I understand that he's overprotective like I am.. but with him like I've already said, he takes it too far. Even afew days ago he bought a 3DS because he bought me one for my birthday and he wanted to play animal crossing with me, he asked who I play with and I told him I play with my friend Tristen. Straight away his tone of voice changed and I knew he didn't like it one bit. I kept telling him he's just a friend and he still didn't like it and then it was followed by babe I do trust you, but I just don't really like it, you know how I am. Of course I know what he's like, but it gets frustrating that even though he reminds me that he trusts me, clearly he doesn't and regardless of how many times I tell him, he just doesn't seem to understand. I get that he doesn't want to loose me, but he has to trust me when I say they're just friends the same goes for me.

I've had trust issues for along time, due to previous situations. He knows this, but I'm not saying he can't have friends. Be friends with whoever you want as long as it's not too close and personal. He says the same to me, but sometimes it's as if he really doesn't want anyone to have me, that he's that scared of me leaving which won't happen but this whole situation with people of the other sex, just seems never ending. I know that we should trust each other especially because it's a LDR, however I don't know how to go about it, we do talk. We talk all the time, I do trust him and I know he trusts me but I don't think he does as much as he says. He usually says babe I trust you, I just don't trust them. Like really? However, he usually always turns it on me and says oh well you don't like this girl.. or you did this.. etc.. Regardless of what I've done, to me I see it as he's more in the wrong simply because he really doesn't seem to want me to talk to any other guy except him, you know?

Can I ask a general Q to you all:

If you had the choice again, would you get into a LDR? Or would you advise people against it?

Yeah I see what you mean... Hmm yeah this doesn't even look like a "long distance relationship problem", you'd probably have the same problem even if you were close, it's just made BIGGER by the LDR.
Anyway, I think there must be a reason why he has these trust issues... Maybe he's really insecure about himself? Maybe he can't believe to be "the only one" for someone and in his mind you will find someone better than him? I don't know, but there must be something there. Maybe you could talk again, you tell him everything you wrote here, and maybe you can make it sound even sweeter, like "I'm not leaving you even if I talk to another guy bc I love you" etc, and try and make him open up a bit about what's under these trust issues?
Also the fact that he always turns it on you shows that he's defensive, he's finding an excuse to be that jealous of you by accusing you of doing the same?!
I don't know I'm just trying to psychoanalyse everything haha but yeah I'm almost sure that there must be something that makes him be like that with you. Maybe try and see if he opens up a bit about all this

I've just seen this question even if it was posted, like, a month ago... And it made me think about the whole situation. My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half now, and since last July we've been in a LDR because he's in Germany as an au pair and I'm in the UK as an au pair... And I'm starting Uni in Scotland in September while he's applying in Germany! This means that if we want to stay together, we'll be in a LDR for at least 3-4 years. The thought makes me wanna cry and end this relationship just because I can't stand not having him physically here and doing normal things like all couples do instead of having to rely on a phone or on skype etc..

But thinking about your question, I would say - and I know it sounds a bit cheesy but hey - I love him. I've thought about breaking up a lot, but it would simply be far worse for me not having him AT ALL! It's hard and painful to be far away, but if you love each other, you can do it. Of course I would advise other people against this situation, but if you love a person you can't really choose!

Whenever we have spoke about it in the past, he's usually said things like :
'I don't want to loose you, you might find someone better than me'
'You might get bored of me'
'You mean everything to me and I just don't want anyone to take my place, I'm just scared' etc etc

He is very insecure about himself. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't even give him sympathy because I tell him the SAME things everytime and he just doesn't listen to me. It's really frustrating for me. I don't know what to do anymore if I'm honest

I feel my extremely short lived LDR will be coming to an end soon. He's totally pushing me out for his new job and I've given it some thought - I'm not okay with it. Having a reason for pushing me out is not enough. I understand it but doesn't mean I'm cool with it. Problem is I have a flight booked for next weekend so it's a lil awkward because if it weren't for the flight I'd have probs told him it's not going to work by now, but I don't want to waste the money. So I suppose I'll go, ejoy the company and then talk to him. Makes it harder though. I doubt he will care.



Interesting, thanks for your input. I figured as much. Once you love someone that is it isn't it? Not a choice. Who would choose to fall for someone who doesn't live near! No-one I guess.

Never posted here before, so hi everyone! Hope you're all doing well sorry in advance for the long post

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months now, but there had been something going on between us for a while before that. He lives in Italy and I'm in the UK so it's long distance for now and will be for a while, as he has another 4 years at university there. I really like him and he always says he feels the same way too, and I know it's early days but I honestly feel like we could be together far into the future. The only thing is that he never seems to make time for me. Both of us have exams at the moment and I know it's hard, but for a week or so now, he hasn't even bothered to find 5 minutes at the end of the day to ask how my day was. I know he takes his exams really seriously so I don't want to get in the way, but it just feels like he's neglecting the relationship.

I tried to talk to him about it yesterday but he was just like "sorry babe I'm so busy at the moment" and then disappeared off again. He promised to call me last night, so I waited up later than I would normally to speak to him but he never did, texted me at 3am today to say he was so tired and decided to go to bed. Didn't even bother telling me. I feel bad for saying this as I want him to have his own life and friends and hobbies, but he can find time to watch the football at least 3 times a week, 2 days ago he went out for dinner with his friends, but I can't even get a half hour phone call.

It's killing me to be with him at the moment, but the thought of ending it is worse. If it was just a one off thing I'd try to put up with it for a few weeks, but he has exams literally all the time it seems. September, December, January, March, June or something ridiculous, it's just how his uni works. I asked about going to see him in August when we're both free from uni, he said I could go but he'll have to study a lot. So more or less all the time, he says he's too busy studying and makes me feel bad for complaining as he talks about wanting to succeed so he can build a good life for us in the future.

I really don't know what to do, but I can't cope with the way things are at the moment. I'm just so confused

Just gone long distance with my boyfriend of 2+ years as I'm moving to another university to do an MA. We've been apart for two months so far and it's as good as you could hope, but we both have anxiety and depression and I'm worried that's going to cause problems. I'm worried that I'll be terrified going to a new place all alone without a support network, and not having it there will make it really hard. Also, when he feels really crap, he doesn't like to talk, then I feel completely shut off from him and it's hard to deal with that. Anyone have any advice how to handle these things, or just LDR tips in general? Thanks!