The Student Room Group

The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre Mark II

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Original post by samstyan99
Hey everyone,

Just now discovered this thread! :smile: Next week my boyfriend is moving to California. We've been going out for almost a year now, and we want to continue the relationship. I can't imagine my life without him and I'm not going to let the distance get in the way of us.

He's going to college in L.A. in the fall, but flying back to the U.S. next week. (He's American, I'm British). He's going to be studying in Cali for the next 4 years, and I have one more year of A-levels, then probably a gap year, then 4 years at uni (if I go to uni). So it's gonna be a looong time before we can live together. Do you guys think I'm crazy? I know it's going to be hard, but is it doable d'ya think? I feel sad that he's going away for a year, but honestly I don't think it's properly sunk in yet. I'm scared that I'm in over my head, but really want this to work, and willing to put the effort in. :biggrin:

Best,

Sam


I know long distant relationships are hard but I know many people who've been living far apart and have been together for 2-3 years. You may feel upset and sad but if you both try your best to make it work and talk to each other as much as possible I can assure you that it will work out :smile:
Hi I've been in a LDR for two months and I'm not sure if things are working well :frown: We constantly argue over stupid things and I wish I could stop these arguments but they always end up happening. I've tried talking about it with my bf but the arguments are never ending. Another thing is that sometimes he'd give me dead replies and I'd hate that and end up getting angry which also causes arguments between us. Both of us are committed and do what this relationship to work out. What do you think I should I do? :biggrin:
Just a rant, don't expect any replies to this. She's been distant for a good few days now, going out for stupid meetings with her class mates, haven't had a chance to properly speak to her in ages. It's really getting on my nerves and I've told her and she agrees that she's been overly distant and that she hasn't been doing it on purpose. But still, it's just all so argh. I thought typing some stuff out would make it better but this is just useless, I'm going to post it anyway. Oh well, whatevs.
Original post by Anonymous
Just a rant, don't expect any replies to this. She's been distant for a good few days now, going out for stupid meetings with her class mates, haven't had a chance to properly speak to her in ages. It's really getting on my nerves and I've told her and she agrees that she's been overly distant and that she hasn't been doing it on purpose. But still, it's just all so argh. I thought typing some stuff out would make it better but this is just useless, I'm going to post it anyway. Oh well, whatevs.


Well, on the positive side, she's recognised that she's been distant,you've said your piece, so give her time to redeem herself and prove to you that she'll change her behaviour. If nothing improves in the next couple of weeks, have another chat with her, letting her know calmly and firmly how you feel. If you still feel it's not working, you have to make a decision as to whether you want to carry on with it or not.
This is a really cool thread, I'm glad everyone's supportive :smile: I'll be going through something similar in September.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi I've been in a LDR for two months and I'm not sure if things are working well :frown: We constantly argue over stupid things and I wish I could stop these arguments but they always end up happening. I've tried talking about it with my bf but the arguments are never ending. Another thing is that sometimes he'd give me dead replies and I'd hate that and end up getting angry which also causes arguments between us. Both of us are committed and do what this relationship to work out. What do you think I should I do? :biggrin:


Hi, I think you both need to agree to have a rational discussion about this. I'm sure neither of you want to be constantly bickering. By yourself, I think you should reflect on why these arguments keep happening, is it the distance and loneliness getting to you both and you're taking it out on each other, or is there some other issue at stake? As for the dead replies, when you guys have a proper chat about it, you should tell him that it really hurts you when he does it and ask him to stop- but say it firmly once and don't go on. When you do have this chat with him, make sure you've both set aside a proper chunk of time to discuss what's going through your heads. Try to keep calm, try not to raise your voice, use insults or personally attack him, try to stick to saying that you're concerned about this issue, want to understand the underlying reasons for it happening, and would like to think of ways you can both avoid unnecessary arguing in the future.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Eugenie Grandet
Well, on the positive side, she's recognised that she's been distant,you've said your piece, so give her time to redeem herself and prove to you that she'll change her behaviour. If nothing improves in the next couple of weeks, have another chat with her, letting her know calmly and firmly how you feel. If you still feel it's not working, you have to make a decision as to whether you want to carry on with it or not.


Thank you. I appreciate that. It's and LDR that's been going on for 3 or so years now, so the last sentence is a bit of a heavy thing to think about. :tongue:
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you. I appreciate that. It's and LDR that's been going on for 3 or so years now, so the last sentence is a bit of a heavy thing to think about. :tongue:


Of course, and you have to give people time and chances to prove themselves to you, especially when you've been with them a long time.

All I mean is, if it carries on like this for a long time after and you're still not happy and you feel you've done everything you can to convey how you feel; then you do have to weigh up how important the issue is vis-à-vis the relationship itself. It's scary stuff but something we all do at some point in long-term relationships!
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Eugenie Grandet
Of course, and you have to give people time and chances to prove themselves to you, especially when you've been with them a long time.

All I mean is, if it carries on like this for a long time after and you're still not happy and you feel you've done everything you can to convey how you feel; then you do have to weigh up how important the issue is vis-à-vis the relationship itself. It's scary stuff but something we all do at some point in long-term relationships!


I thought I'd update you, she's definitely gotten a lot warmer recently and things are great again! Thank you.
Original post by Eugenie Grandet
Hi, I think you both need to agree to have a rational discussion about this. I'm sure neither of you want to be constantly bickering. By yourself, I think you should reflect on why these arguments keep happening, is it the distance and loneliness getting to you both and you're taking it out on each other, or is there some other issue at stake? As for the dead replies, when you guys have a proper chat about it, you should tell him that it really hurts you when he does it and ask him to stop- but say it firmly once and don't go on. When you do have this chat with him, make sure you've both set aside a proper chunk of time to discuss what's going through your heads. Try to keep calm, try not to raise your voice, use insults or personally attack him, try to stick to saying that you're concerned about this issue, want to understand the underlying reasons for it happening, and would like to think of ways you can both avoid unnecessary arguing in the future.


Thanks for the advice we had a talk and we both realised that arguing wouldnt get us anywhere and have decided to be more open with each other. I do tell him everything thats on my mind like when I'm happy or annoyed at something, but I feel as if he keeps everything to himself and doesn't tell me whats wrong. I've tried talking to him about it but hes still not telling me if somethings wrong. What do u think i should do :frown:
Original post by autumnsongg
Yeah I see what you mean... Hmm yeah this doesn't even look like a "long distance relationship problem", you'd probably have the same problem even if you were close, it's just made BIGGER by the LDR.
Anyway, I think there must be a reason why he has these trust issues... Maybe he's really insecure about himself? Maybe he can't believe to be "the only one" for someone and in his mind you will find someone better than him? I don't know, but there must be something there. Maybe you could talk again, you tell him everything you wrote here, and maybe you can make it sound even sweeter, like "I'm not leaving you even if I talk to another guy bc I love you" etc, and try and make him open up a bit about what's under these trust issues?
Also the fact that he always turns it on you shows that he's defensive, he's finding an excuse to be that jealous of you by accusing you of doing the same?!
I don't know I'm just trying to psychoanalyse everything haha but yeah I'm almost sure that there must be something that makes him be like that with you. Maybe try and see if he opens up a bit about all this :smile:
Hey, sorry I only just saw this. Me and Justin currently aren't talking much again since you last wrote back to me. This is because he's gone away for a week, not abroad but just to Delaware with his friends family and I've become very distant due to having a lot going on. He made a huge deal when I went to Bulgaria last month but I contacted him a lot, yet he goes away and he doesn't care, he sees no issue with it the fact that we can barely talk at all for a week, hes back in afew days and now he thinks I'm getting bored of him? LIKE DUDE I TOLD YOU WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY LIFE, YOU SAID YOU DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU WERE N A BAD MOOD, BUT NOW DONT UNDERSTAND WHY IM UPSET? Because we CANT TALK! like going from talking everyday, to barely anything at all hurts like a tonne of bricks!
My and my bf are in a LDR and at times theres nothing to say like we both become blank or speechless. Obviously we both hate it but i dont know how to avoid these blank moments 😭
Can anyone help :frown:
Original post by Anonymous
My and my bf are in a LDR and at times theres nothing to say like we both become blank or speechless. Obviously we both hate it but i dont know how to avoid these blank moments 😭
Can anyone help :frown:


What do you guys do? It's best to do things separate from each other, like hobbies etc, so you have something to talk about, plus it keeps you busy and not missing them! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat further about it.
Original post by Anonymous
My and my bf are in a LDR and at times theres nothing to say like we both become blank or speechless. Obviously we both hate it but i dont know how to avoid these blank moments 😭
Can anyone help :frown:

Me and my bf play games online together and that really helps. Could you look into that?
Original post by Anonymous
My and my bf are in a LDR and at times theres nothing to say like we both become blank or speechless. Obviously we both hate it but i dont know how to avoid these blank moments 😭
Can anyone help :frown:


how often do you talk? I've found it better since we toned down the talking. We used to talk everyday now it's more like once or twice a week (vocally anyway). I prefer it tbh.*
Original post by rayquaza17
Me and my bf play games online together and that really helps. Could you look into that?


Yeah that's a good idea. If we have the same likes maybe we could play similar games. I'll try this out and see if it works. Thanks :smile:
Original post by Airfairy
how often do you talk? I've found it better since we toned down the talking. We used to talk everyday now it's more like once or twice a week (vocally anyway). I prefer it tbh.*


Usually we talk more during the night than in the day because sometimes we both be busy. Sometimes we do manage to talk during the day and we mainly text not call a lot. But i think if we talk more we'd feel more closer, so i guess we both need to try and make time for each other
hi,
i really need help with this, because right now im getting really unstable with my emotions and i can't seem to control myself at times. I've been in a long distance relationship for nearly a year now... just a few more days to go. I love him a lot, but we talk less and less practically each day. currently my phone has stopped working so i cant text him but we do message each other via email..but since there is a drastic time difference (as soon as i wake up he's going to sleep ) and he works 6 days a week and spends half his day working..So we only get to send like 2-3 messages to each other ..it is better than nothing ..but we hardly get to spend time with each other and i keep feeling so lonely.

should I talk to him about this ?..but i dont want to make him worried about this. And i need some advice to help boost my confidence or something so im not down all the time .
can anyone help? pleasee?
Original post by Anonymous
hi,
i really need help with this, because right now im getting really unstable with my emotions and i can't seem to control myself at times. I've been in a long distance relationship for nearly a year now... just a few more days to go. I love him a lot, but we talk less and less practically each day. currently my phone has stopped working so i cant text him but we do message each other via email..but since there is a drastic time difference (as soon as i wake up he's going to sleep ) and he works 6 days a week and spends half his day working..So we only get to send like 2-3 messages to each other ..it is better than nothing ..but we hardly get to spend time with each other and i keep feeling so lonely.

should I talk to him about this ?..but i dont want to make him worried about this. And i need some advice to help boost my confidence or something so im not down all the time .
can anyone help? pleasee?


Talk to him about it. Have you suddenly started having other commitments (work/study) or have you always had them?
Original post by jenigma
Talk to him about it. Have you suddenly started having other commitments (work/study) or have you always had them?


i've got no work or studying right now so i have time but since i can't text him properly (i have no phone right now) and he is practically always busy we hardly talk and on top its hard to talk with the time difference and all. I wanted to talk to him about it but he cant help it with his work and all so i don't want to complain...

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