my Bio PS...critique it plz

The english and grammar needs tidying up but I suspect this is a draft.

As mentioned above, I wouldn't mention anything about weak grades or 'reverting to the student I once was'. You need to sell yourself and point out all your good points that are relevant. Try putting in some of your abilities that will prove advantageous at university (meeting deadlines, report writing blah blah - if you can link learning these skills to previous work experience that would be a bonus). Also, it is a little corny in places (e.g. changed man lol).

Reply 3

riccardo

That Cornish flag isn't to be flown lightly! My Dad's Cornish and maintains that I am not, because my Mum is not.

With regards to the PS: don't tell them the details of lactose intolerance or the details of muscle growth - they alreasy know that. Just hint at it, say that these things relate to biology and give you an extra viewpoint, not enjoyed by everyone. With regards to your grades; you should explain some weak grades. I did badly at GCSE but there were reasons for this so I explained them, I got offers everywhere I applied to. Emphasise that you are doing well now and this shows a great increase in maturity and strength of character and you can turn it into a plus. I can send you my PS if you want, it's not for biology but there are other parallels.

Good luck with admission.

Reply 4

nikk

riccardo

That Cornish flag isn't to be flown lightly! My Dad's Cornish and maintains that I am not, because my Mum is not.

lol, my parents arn't cornish but I was born and lived here all my life so consider myself cornish hehe. I'm going to start learning to speak the cornish language soon! :biggrin:

Reply 5

riccardo

Yeah I'm going to London next year, only place outside Cornwall you can learn it. It's not really Cornish by the way, that died out with Dolly Pentreen (or Pen something) in the 1700s. It's more a combination or Welsh and Breton with words from old Cornish scripts thrown in here and there. I do know a few words, Wheal = mine, Pen-, Tre- and Pol- mean house of-, You'd know lots more than I do from just being down there, my Dad knows loads of random words and lectures me when we go looking for rocks down there, hehe. Wheal is a useful word if you're looking for rocks. Sorry about dragging it off topic... ooo! Devon = valley dwellers.

Reply 6

OP

thanks guys...oh and riccardo, a copy of ur PS would be great!

Reply 7

nikk

riccardo

Yeah I'm going to London next year, only place outside Cornwall you can learn it. It's not really Cornish by the way, that died out with Dolly Pentreen (or Pen something) in the 1700s. It's more a combination or Welsh and Breton with words from old Cornish scripts thrown in here and there. I do know a few words, Wheal = mine, Pen-, Tre- and Pol- mean house of-, You'd know lots more than I do from just being down there, my Dad knows loads of random words and lectures me when we go looking for rocks down there, hehe. Wheal is a useful word if you're looking for rocks. Sorry about dragging it off topic... ooo! Devon = valley dwellers.

Apparently Cornish is current the fastest growing language which is cool! Hopefully by the time I am fluent there will be quite a few others as well. I have seen various figures but apparently there are approx 300-400 speakers at the moment in Cornwall. It's a shame it isn't taught in schools anymore...perhaps it will be in the future.

Reply 8

khil

It sounds sorta fake and you're trying to impress a load of professors with child-level Biology... sorry I know that's harsh but you did ask for comments, right?

Btw taking on extra courses does not necessarily show that you're committed - it may show you're stretching yourself too much, especially with your "weak grades" - there should be more focus - not "challenge" by doing more courses.

And I would never ever point out my own weakness in a PS that should be SELLING me!

Reply 9

Chris.

If i was an admissions officer or whoever, i'd be quite insulted that a possible student felt they had to explain lactose intolerance to me; your grades let them know how academic you are, a personal statement's purpose isn't to show a bit of knowledge which isn't detailed on the syllabus.

Being honest, i wouldn't be impressed with that ps at all, it sounds VERY fake, and as though you've just come out of an american public speaking course. From good (ie successful) personal statements i've read, they have more intimate feel to them, not just as though you are trying to cram in all your achievements.

Good luck with your app's though.

Reply 10

khil

Chris.

If i was an admissions officer or whoever, i'd be quite insulted that a possible student felt they had to explain lactose intolerance to me; your grades let them know how academic you are, a personal statement's purpose isn't to show a bit of knowledge which isn't detailed on the syllabus.

Being honest, i wouldn't be impressed with that ps at all, it sounds VERY fake, and as though you've just come out of an american public speaking course. From good (ie successful) personal statements i've read, they have more intimate feel to them, not just as though you are trying to cram in all your achievements.

Good luck with your app's though.

hehehe true true :biggrin:

I mean, going for the factual and "trying to impress someone" approach could work - but not with child-level Biology! My ex went for the same approach except he questioned aspects of Physics that was at degree level, without sounding fake it just sounded like he was seriously thinking it through and wanted to learn more.

Right now your PS sounds like you think you know so very much - which is not what universities need in a student. Add on the fact that you're explaining very low-level Biology, it becomes rather pathetic than anything else. Alongside your weak grades, so you claim, I would NOT even interview you if I were an admissions officer at a good uni - by good, I mean the top 20 or maybe top 30.

Reply 11

OP

lol true...i made big changes, lets hope they liike it.

Reply 12

Fluffy

I would remove your personal statement unless you want someone to copy it. Imagine the embarrassment if a uni got the same PS more than once in an accademic year....

Reply 13

OP

haha true...im applying late for entry in 05..whoever copies it is in deep dodo....plus...who would wanna copy such a bad PS :P

Reply 14

Fluffy

lovemachine

haha true...im applying late for entry in 05..whoever copies it is in deep dodo....plus...who would wanna copy such a bad PS :P

I'm actually being serious. Posting your personal statement on an open access forum is a silly idea - if they choose to run yours through 'plagarism' software to make sure you haven't copied and pasted it from the net, the search will pop up with this thread, and how are they supposed to know that you [real name] are lovemachine?

Reply 15

OP