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I'm having an affair with a married man and I don't know what to do.

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I have to say you are being very selfish
Dont you have any respect at all?
Leave him alone now, he has a 3 YEAR OLD,... why are you breaking this family up?
You should have cut contact as soon as you found out, girls like you disgust me, and if you dont leave him, i hope the same happens to you, so you know how it feels.

Reply 41

Wild Thing

Obviously you had no idea he was married, so don't blame yourself for that. HE is entirely at fault, not you. However, now you know he's married and isn't such a nice guy. He's cheating on his wife, he'll cheat on you. Take the moral high ground, do the right thing and just leave. Don't involve yourself with his wife, she'll find out eventually. It's their problem, not yours. Just leave and have fun like a 19 year old girl should have fun!! You're still young, pleeeeeeeenty more fish in the sea :smile:

Reply 42

kim_b1990

Anonymous

And in regards to posts like this, they aren't helpful. I have only recently found out about his wife and family - it all came out at Christmas/New Year time, as I said in my original post. It's not like I'm some heartless cow who set out to break up a family. I was shocked when I found out and I haven't seen him since. I have only known for a few days, hence why I feel so upset and lost.

Reply 43

Wild Thing

Anonymous

SHE Isn't breaking the family up. HE is. Maybe if he was faithful and kept it in his pants instead of going around having sex with 19 year olds then none of this would've happened. How do you know the OP is the first one?

HE'S already broken the family up. I agree with you the OP should leave now but you can't blame her for everythign that has happened. SHE isn't married, doesn't have any children and as far as she knew was seeing some doctor who was single.

Reply 44

Wild Thing

kim_b1990

Thank you for the advice so far. I know what I have to do but that doesn't make it any easier. And to all the people who have witnessed parents having affairs, I feel so bad for you. Please don't think badly of me. I never set out to hurt his children.

And in regards to posts like this, they aren't helpful. I have only recently found out about his wife and family - it all came out at Christmas/New Year time, as I said in my original post. It's not like I'm some heartless cow who set out to break up a family. I was shocked when I found out and I haven't seen him since. I have only known for a few days, hence why I feel so upset and lost.

Don't worry OP. It's not your fault :smile:

Break ups are always hard but by the end of this week you will have forgotten him already! Go out with your girls and forget it :smile:

Reply 45

kellywellydoodle

kim_b1990

Hi everyone,

Its taken me a lot of courage to write this because my head is so messed up right now. I really want some advice, please no judgements or anything like that. I'm not going to post anonymously as I have a new username and nobody will recognise me anyway.

I am a 19 year old girl studying at a uni in London. A lot of my friends are medical students and so I end up spending a lot of time with them - that's how this started. Back in September, I went along to a staff party with my best friend (who studies medicine) and a few friends from her course. It was a really good night and I met a lot of the people from the hospital they work in. My friend introduced me to one of the senior doctors who supervises her and we started talking and got on really well. My friend likes him too, as she said he's really friendly and makes the trainees feel at ease.

My friends went home early and I ended up staying later talking to him. As it was late and he didn't want me travelling back alone, he offered me a lift back to campus as he said he was going that way anyway. I accepted and he drove me straight home. Over the next few weeks I really wanted to see him again so I visited my friend at the hospital for lunch and after my lectures - partly to see her but also because I hoped to bump into him again. To cut a long story short, I ended up bumping into him and we exchanged numbers. Since then, we've met up a few times and things have developed. We've slept together a few times but this has only been very recent, like around Christmas.

At the time, I honestly didn't know he was married. I know he's a lot older than me (36) but he acts and looks a lot younger and I get on with him so well. He never spoke about a wife or family when we met up (and it did start off innocently, like going out for coffee etc.) Even when I asked directly, he wouldn't really talk about it. I eventually found out at Christmas that he's married with 3 children, as he couldn't see me as much and had to tell me why. He told me his wife works a lot and so they don't spend much time together as she is often away from home.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like this has gone way too far now. I know that his youngest child is only 3 and this makes me feel so guilty, like I'm splitting up a family. I honestly didn't mean for this to develop this far and I'm terrified of his wife finding out. I don't think he has any intention of leaving her either - he just never seems to speak about her.

My friend who works with him has no idea and I don't want to tell her as I know she wouldn't approve and would be shocked. Most people would be shocked if they found out, that's why I've kept it so secret.

Please give me some advice. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Please don't have a go at me as I know what I've done is wrong and I feel so guilty already. Part of me doesn't want to end it as I feel like I love him. I've never met anyone else like him. Just feel so confused and worried about the whole thing. Its got to the point where I can't sleep for worrying about it. I'm so upset too, as I don't want to lose him but I know there is no way I can realistically be with him.

Any advice would be appreciated. Just feel so low.

However much you feel like you might love him...you need to end this. This man belongs to another woman and they have children together. If not for her then do it for the kids sake because when this gets out it will REALLY hurt them. You need to talk to him and tell him what he's done is not right and tell him to tell his wife. If he refuses then you need to tell his wife. She deserves to know the truth about him.

Before you knew he was married it was not your fault...but now you know you should be doing everything you can to make the truth known. If he can cheat on his wife despite his 3 year old child then what's to say he wouldn't do the same to you? Be brave and do the right thing...

Reply 46

bete noire

If anything, its the guy who is at the most fault here. Its obvious your concience can't bare it, just end the whole thing and don't, whatever you do, tell his wife. Yeah sure maybe he does this thing a lot with other young girls, but if you get out now and his family eventually find out, at least you know it wasn't you who tore them apart

homewrecker

to be fair, if she leaves him, the fact that he's cheated and lied to his family never leaves so i get where lover's knot is coming from
it wouldn't be you tearing the family apart it's him for lying to you and his family so don't feel guilty
i think you should leave him to stop getting hurt yourself and you are young, there's far better out there, and tell him that he's an unkind idiot who owes his wife the truth and needs to be a better father. it's his problem from then on because the truth will come out eventually, best for OP not to be around when it does, give it time and move on.

Reply 49

wilson_smith

Lover's Knot

Heartbreak will happen regardless, the family is bound to break up be it due to OP telling the wife or some other girl telling her.

Face it, the guy knows how to get a girl in bed, is situated in London, the fact that he has 3 kids doesnt stop him from cheating, you really think he wont go round doing this to other girls or hasnt already done it prior to the OP?

You actually think it was pre-meditated? I doubt it, and i, nor you, know his motives, nature or if he will do it again. The best the girl can do is break it off. Hearbreak won't happen regardless, and the wife won't necessarily find out, especially if this girl splits up ASAP.

It's the best thing she can do for everyone.

Reply 50

kim_b1990

Ok, I texted him a little while ago, basically telling him that I was having huge doubts about the relationship and that I'm uncomfortable about being involved with someone who is married with children. I said it was upsetting me and left it at that. He's just replied asking if we can meet to talk about it and not to worry, as his wife isn't aware and she's going away for a few days next week so we can see eachother longer :/ he ended it with 'love you'.

I feel so sick. The way he's acting is making me feel like he wants to carry it on and even though I have strong feelings for him, I don't want to continue such a horrible smutty relationship that could cause so much trouble :frown:

but I feel like he's so special and I'll never meet anyone like him again.
God...I might just tell him face to face that it's over. As other people have said, I don't know if I'm even the only 'other girl' he's seeing behind his wifes back.

Reply 51

RightSaidJames

Just end it now and walk away without telling anyone.

I can see why some people think you should tell his wife, but the guy does have three kids and it would probably be best to keep the marriage together if it's an otherwise good marriage... besides, his wife is hardly going to thank you since you're the one he's cheating with, so you could potentially be putting yourself at risk from attack.

Reply 52

timdecade

You have nothing to feel guilty about, unless you carried on after you found out he is married. What you are experiencing is not love, and even if it was, he is not going to leave his wife for you and i am sure you don't want him to. The best thing to do is to tell him its over and to never see him again.

Reply 53

Anonymous #5

Guy Secretan

homewrecker

Oh please. That's hardly fair on her- she met him on a night out, unaware that he was married and hasn't seen him since finding out- getting called a homewrecker is hardly going to help!

It's bound to be a hard situation. Personally, I don't blame my dad's girlfriend for having an affair with him- I've never met the woman, and don't know enough about her to make judgement, but it does make it hard to connect with my dad, mainly for his dishonesty. OP, please avoid getting yourself into trouble, and try and end it- that way, you have nothing to feel guilty for, you can forget it, even if that's hard to do, and when you're ready, you can meet a man who you won't have to feel guilty for loving. It's nice that you seem to be a considerate person and it's certainly understandable that you're confused, but it looks like you know what you have to do. Also, it might give him a bit of a wakeup call if he sees that what he is doing is immoral and you're unwilling to condone it. He has a wife and children- they deserve his full attention and if he sees that you recognise this, maybe he will treat them a little better.

Reply 54

Lover's Knot

You here that guys? The OP sent a friendly text saying 'she's not comfortable about the relationship'. She is deluded that she has a relationship with him. The husband persists to sweet talk this girl into bed again. I kid you not, it will happen because the OP has feelings for this guy and will eventually cause the family breakup.

Reply 55

kim_b1990

Lover's Knot

I think you're making unfair assumptions by saying I'm going to sleep with him again. I want to end it, that is why I sent a text in the first place. I have no intentions of breaking up his family, which is what you seem to have been implying throughout this whole thread. I asked for constructive advice but you seem to be trying to cause trouble all the time. You don't know me, you don't know everything that has happened in this situation so do not call me 'deluded' and imply that I'm some sort of idiot. Yes, I have feelings for him but that doesn't make me blind to everything that will happen if I carry it on. So please just keep your opinions to yourself from now on. I am the one making the moral decision here.

Reply 56

Anonymous #7

I met a guy who cheated with me at first, we started seeing each other before he broke up with his girlfriend. I felt like **** about it, but as it was it went on to be a 2yr relationship.

The problem was, because I knew he was capable of lying to his girlfriend - I'd actually seen him lie to a girlfriend with my own eyes saying he wasn't cheating - I couldn't really ever trust him, because I knew how easily he could do it and get away with it.

Even if his wife and kids magically disappeared, your relationship has serious trust issues.

For this, and all the reasons listed above, you need to call it off. Hurts like hell, but honestly... its for the best for everyone involved. And if he cheats again, which I have to say, I reckon he will, he won't get away with it forever. Don't be that girl :smile:

Reply 57

Anonymous #5

kim_b1990

You probably don't want to think of it this way, but sometimes the truth is necessary. Just remember that those times he slept with you, he went back home to his wife and probably told her he loved her too, talked to his kids etc, pretending nothing was wrong even though he doesn't respect them enough to be loyal and was sleeping with a very young girl behind their backs. That's simply not right. If he can't be loyal to a family, how loyal can he be to you after only knowing you for a few days? Either that, or he does what my dad did and treats his wife like a piece of dirt, makes her feel worthless and like she doesn't deserve him, to give him an excuse to leave easily. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, and I know the situation was hard on him too- I don't think he meant to fall in love whilst married- it just happened. Though, just think of the way you have fallen for this man- those few days of love have made you feel so attached to him- his wife has probably experienced that attachment for years; to be fair, it's probably going to be a lot harder on her to break up with him than it would be if you broke up with him. It's a sad situation, but good luck xx

Reply 58

x_thekitten_x

Imagine if you were his wife & had children...

Yeah that should be enough to end it. NOWWWW!

Reply 59

Chrosson

kim_b1990

This is the killer problem occurring all the way through the thread. As long as your initial post is, it will never tell the whole story, and you are asking people to advise you based on a few paragraphs of text (which is an incredibly inefficient method of communication anyway).
In the end it is down to you to actually do something. I highly doubt anything useful to you will be found in the thread, so just ignore it and do what you think is best (which is clear from your initial post - you're just looking for reassurance).
End it, forget it, move on. There is no need for talking or discussion.