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I think my boyfriend has gone insane.

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Post on TSR and win a prize! Find out more... 10-04-2014
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    #1

    And i really wish the thread title was an over exaggeration...
    So anyway, i've been with my boyfriend now for over two years, been in a happy, loving, stable, perfect relationship, the past few months has been an LDR due to me having to fly home to Africa during the holidays and living at uni during term times, but everythings been going fine.

    Now this week, he was supposed to come stay with me at uni for 2 weeks for my birthday. He was supposed to arrive Monday. On Sunday he called me annoyed becase he was going to come down and suprise me, but work called him in last minute, (he was on the train at this time so actually had to take another train home).

    On Monday he called me to say he was going into hospital but would be down later, i heard nothing the rest of the day, i panicked all night, wondering what had happened.

    He called me on Tuesday saying he had been diagnosed with depression and is apparently on the verge of a mental breakdown and was scared to leave his room etc. and was begging me to come down and take care of him and when i agreed to he shouted at me to leave him alone

    On Wednesday he got snowed in, so thats all okay. But when i called him to ask him how he was in the morning he was being all snuggly saying 'love you baby, can't wait till you're holding me' and stuff like that'. Later that evening he called me again this time he said he didn't want to come down because he was afraid he would look at me and feel nothing. I was completely shocked and hurt as just that morning we'd been fine. So, i told him okay lets end it. And he started screaming and shouting at me for being a bitch... saying i was a c-word and that he couldn't believe i would do that.
    But i mean, what did he expect? I just thought thats what he was getting at, that we should break up...

    Thursday was much of the same stuff, randomly calling me to scream and shout, and then 10 minutes later calling to say he loved me. Also when we spoke on the phone he would get angry and hang up on me for the oddest things like for example 'what have you been doing today?' he'll just shout that he's been sleeping and then hang up and switch off his phone.

    Today he's being just as odd, has stayed in bed sleeping all day and just called again to shout and rant, i tried to talk calmly to him and ask him why he was so upset but he said he couldn't talk to me anymore and that if i called again he would change his number (even though again hes the one who called me!)

    I really don't understand whats going on. He is not usually like this, its terrifying as it seems he's done a complete 180 in just a week. He's clearly not mentally stable and i'm worried about him. One minute he'll be telling me how much he loves and misses me and telling me he'll be down for my birthday, and the next minute (literally in the same sentence) he'll snap and tell me i'm a effing freak.

    We have never fought like this, i can honestly say i have done NOTHING to deserve this treatment, its like he's a different person. I'm really scared for him and i don't know if i should maybe talk to his brother about it and see whats going on with him? Or would that make it worse?

    I'm almost scared now of him turning up at uni because i don't know i trust him, if he can snap so quickly over the phone and then i'm scared he'll snap in real life.

    Should i just cut all contact with him? or what should i do?
    I'm scared and not good with this sort of thing...
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    i think you should get in touch with his brother or parents asap, he doesn't sound very stable at all and it's a lot for you to be handling by yourself. i know if it was my boyfriend that's what i'd do. He obviously needs someone to talk to and maybe his family will be able to help. Try not to take what he's saying to heart, he doesn't sound very well xx
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    thank you for your reply.
    i'm getting quite scared to be honest. i'm also a bit afraid of talking to his brother or parents because it might seem like i'm running about tattling on him...
    i really don't want to lose him, and i honestly don't know whether i will or not.
    one minute i'll be crying because of what he said then he'll call and say he loves me, it's like he's playing a sick little game and doesn't realise.
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    Sounds like something I'd like to do (in theory) if my gf had cheated on me or really pissed me off. I'd never actually do it though. I think he sounds quite weird thats all. Ultimately its entirely up to you how far you go with just sitting there and taking abuse.
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    Well, it seems like he's having some serious psychological issues - scarily, mental illness is something that happens to a lot of people, often without warning. I think it's safe to assume that his mood swings have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the illness. If I were you, I'd contact his family and ask them to get some sort of explanation - if he's been diagnosed, he's presumably in contact with some kind of psychiatrist and is hopefully getting help. Find out what exactly he has, whether he's doing anything about it (i.e., seeing a therapist), and try to get some sort of official word on how you should act and what will happen. Is it something that will pass over, can he be "cured", and if so, how can you help him recover? I honestly don't know that much about mental health, but I should think that if you find out what he's suffering from you can find some kind of "guide" on how to proceed, or even talk to his therapist (if there is one - if there isn't, there should be) about it. Hopefully, it'll be something that isn't permanent and you can get your boyfriend back.
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    Oh god, he really sounds like he has issues right now! He sounds very confused. It actually sounds a bit like a case of "well I've been diagnosed with something, I may as well act like I've got it" Not that he wants to act like that, I mean he may be doing that unconsciously.

    If I were you I would try to get a full story from his brother to find out what is going on. I don't know if cutting all contact will be of any help tbh. I think that might make him worse (since he will start worrying where you are on top of everything else). I think the first step is to talk to his relatives and find out the full story, maybe they will explain things a little better for you???

    Good luck! I really feel for you. It is tough when someone you love is going through such a rough patch, but I actually think you need to stay by him through this (even though he is treating you like this, yes, it's unfair and he shouldn't be treating you like that, but you don't know how much control he has over these mood swings at the moment) When he comes through the other side, he will be so grateful you stuck by him. Just try not to react when he is horrid to you, just literally ignore that part of a text or change the subject in a calm voice when on the phone, this will be an attempt to take his mind off the angryness he seems to have acquired. Because if you start shouting back and calling names back etc, in a way it is kind of rewarding his behaviour because he knows his mood is getting lots of attention.

    I would like to know how this turns out, and I hope it turns out well! xxxxxxx
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    poor guy. he's all over the place because of the depression. it's hard to know what to do when this kind of stuff happens because it's not good for you to get too involved. Definitely do what stripy socks says; call a family member, maybe get in touch with the hospital. Try and detach yourself to a certain extent but I don't think cutting off contact is a good idea at a time like this. It's not personal AT ALL. Like you say, you've done nothing to deserve this treatment and despite what he might say in his moments of distress, he wont be blaming you either. It's all just a chemical imbalance in the brain, nothing logical. Be sensible, calm, take time for yourself and (within reason) get as many people involved as you can. By this, I mean his friends and family memebers who you know want to help and care for him. He needs to know there are people there so he doesn't feel alone in this. Good luck
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    Wow. That is pretty insane. Sorry you're having to go through that.
    Even though it's not you, I suggest going to a GP or a therapist or some sort of medical professional yourself, and explaining to them what's been happening with him. They might be able to help you out, with how to talk to him, if there is a way, or they might be able to diagnose him somehow. He might be delusional.
    And if you can talk to his brother without him finding out, or if you can even get in touch with one of his friends without him knowing, you might be able to find out if he's trying to scare you off (some people can lead you on for so long and then turn on you without you realising, it might not even be medical at all.) or if he's been acting the same way with them.
    I honestly haven't heard of anything like that before. Very strange. But try what I suggested, and I wish you luck! That is a scary situation to be in. (Maybe invite a strong friend over to stay if you think he'd be able to come over to where you live and scare you in person.)
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    Personally, I think the worst thing you could do right now is to walk out on him. He may not realise it but he really needs you right now. He's obviously got mental issues and probably has no idea how he is acting with you, and how unreasonable he's being. One of my closest friends has suffered from depression for a few years now and when its at its worst it is always the people you are closest to that you take it out on the most. He will push you away without even realising it but, really, it is you he needs most. If you feel able to talk to him about it, without him getting angry, then do. If not, it might be best to just tell him that you are there for him whenever he needs you and that he can always come to you, and then give him any space that he feels he may need. Just try and be understanding - I can see why this may be extremely difficult because the way he is treating you is awful, but don't take any insults to heart - he obviously isn't himself right now and I'm sure that if he was he would never dream of saying such hurtful things.

    With you being his girlfriend, and not his best friend, I guess you're in a different situation than me. With my friend, I will always be there for her no matter what - through the ups and the downs because this is what good friends are for. For you, I think you need to decide whether you want this to be a part of your life, and are willing to stand by him through thick and thin, or if you just want out... I hope that doesn't come accross harshly as I'm sure you feel like you do want to stand by him and support him, but it's your choice really and no-one would blame you if you were to opt out. I can imagine the impact it's having on you and its not fair of him to make you suffer in that way, but I honestly think he is not in the right frame of mind to be completely responsible for the way he is treating you.

    You said you don't feel able to talk to his parents so talking to him is your only option really. Just make him aware that you are there for him and that, no matter how much he shouts and screams at you, you are willing to stand by him and help him (if this is how you feel of course). Sometimes just listening helps, even if you have no advice to offer him. Or, if he doesn't want to talk about it, encourage him to write things down to get it off his mind.
    I assume he is having professional help? If not, make sure that he gets some - he sounds like he's is in a bad way and it isn't something that will go away overnight.

    (Sorry if this has turned into a massive essay! But I hope it helps). Take care x
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    oh god. really mucked up!
    i wrote a text to a friend saying i was scared my boyfriend was going insane, and that was i scared for him and just accidentally sent it to my boyfriend.
    well thats the last nail in the coffin of our relationship for sure.
    i'm such a ******* idiot.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    oh god. really mucked up!
    i wrote a text to a friend saying i was scared my boyfriend was going insane, and that was i scared for him and just accidentally sent it to my boyfriend.
    well thats the last nail in the coffin of our relationship for sure.
    i'm such a ******* idiot.
    Has he replied? Just tell him your worried about him. and aren't sure you can deal with it on your own, and just needed someone else to talk to...Hope your ok x
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    Jesus it sounds like he may turn around and kill you at any moment to be honest.

    I think talk to his brother but really hammer it into his brother that he mustn't tell your bf you're concerned about him because like you said he might freak out about your concerns.

    He has way more than depresion.
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    Jesus Christ I can't believe the above TSR users still think he has depression - depression doesn't make you act like that! He may way have depression as well as something else, however.
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    Bipolar much? :holmes:
    whether he realises he's doing it or not its not going to help your relationship
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    I personally think someone did Juju on him to make him behave like that. I'm being serious, that isn't right.
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    He has been JuJufied.
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    I agree on the Juju..... =/
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    OP, have you tried talking to his brother or his close friends?

    aaand what's this juju thing you guys are talking about?

    Edit: I also think it may be bi-polar.
    #2

    I have a very close relative who is schizophrenic, which just causes him to shout a lot for fairly long periods of time. When something bad happens to him or he gets angry about something, usually during the winter months, he'll just shout for hours on end at his loved ones. Often the things he shouts about don't make any sense and he acts quite paranoid as if he feels like he is being blamed for something or people are doing things purely to upset him. He gets incredibly angry at his family. He's not dangerous though, he would never hurt anyone, but he doesn't stop in public. He's on anti-depressants which helps and he is much better than he has been in the past, most of the time he's a totally normal person - it is just an occasional thing.
    There is basically nothing you can do except try to keep in contact with him and his family.

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Updated: January 22, 2010
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