Uncomfortable with boyfriends close female friend

Waiting.

He's not the cheating type, at all. My worry is he has feelings for her and he's just settling with me untill he can make things happen with her. How do i go about talking to him about it without sounding like a psycho girlfriend?
He's always said how he loves how relaxed i am about things, i'd hate to spoil that.

Nobody thinks their partner is the cheating type. Even people who meet their partners while that person is in a relationship seem to be surprised when they in turn get cheated on. Next time they go see a movie send a spy to the cinema, catch them snogging at the back, dump him. End of story.

If that really doesn't float your boat just ask to go see the movie/stay over/go out with them. A third wheel always crushes the romance.

Reply 21

The_Goose

18

Waiting.

My boyfriend is on a female dominated course and as a result has a fair few female friends, which has never bothered me at all. He's pretty close with one in particular though and it's started to make me feel uncomfortable.

They text a lot, he's very protective of her and they're at the cinema together now.... I feel like i shouldn't be jealous at all, because it's completely normal for friends to go to the cinema together - but as it's just the too of them i'm absoloutley green with envy. I tend to over analyse the little things really, like him inviting her to go and stay at his home for the weekend.

We were all out last night, she got a bit too drunk and upset and left with her flatmate who was more than capable of looking after her yet i overheard him on the phone saying he'd go over and check on her. At which point i flipped and now feel like a prize idiot for doing so.

I'm pretty piss poor at explaining it but i'd just like to know peoples opinions on it really. Am i being completely ridiculous ?

have to say I wouldn't be crazy about that idea..

Reply 22

elixira

14

Ah, difficult situation! You mention it, you look like a neurotic bitch. You don't mention it, it keeps happening and you just have to worry about it. But I think he is overstepping boundaries a little. If you ask him, he'll likely never admit he has feelings for her (if he does)... it could even be best just to leave it. Confronting him might do more harm than good (and he'll probably start being secretive about the time they spend together, or resent you for driving them apart). But I guess if/when he does overstep the line in your eyes, confront him about that situation in a rational manner (rather than wailing 'why do you spend so much tiiiime with her? do you love her?') But then again, don't feel you should make a big deal out of something just because objectively it sounds bad... follow your heart.

I've been in a similar situation (and I'm normally pretty laid back) and my boyfriend totally didn't understand what I was concerned about. Now I've no idea whether or not they're still friends but keep it a secret, or if it fizzled out... don't really care enough to ask, out of sight out of mind.

Sorry about the awfully jumbled reply!

Reply 23

brokenheroes

16

can't believe you've let it get this far to be honest. stay at his house, just the two of them? HELL NO. wtf are you doing?
there's trust and there's being taken advantage of. he loves how relaxed you are because it means he can take the piss.

if you want him, you need to talk to him and agree some boundaries between you because it's not fair that one of you thinks this is okay and the other doesn't.

Reply 24

Rarrgh

12

Waiting.

He's not the cheating type, at all. My worry is he has feelings for her and he's just settling with me untill he can make things happen with her. How do i go about talking to him about it without sounding like a psycho girlfriend?
He's always said how he loves how relaxed i am about things, i'd hate to spoil that.

He may not seem like it but anyone can be the cheating type...
And it's pretty easy to go about talking about it... you just sit down with him and bring her up and explain how you are paranoid about it and just say what you think... you don't mind them being friends however you just can't help being jealous and paranoid and you wish he wouldn't spend AS MUCH time with her... just for the time being... and you won't spoil it... he should understand...

Reply 25

username266244

18

Waiting.

My boyfriend is on a female dominated course and as a result has a fair few female friends, which has never bothered me at all. He's pretty close with one in particular though and it's started to make me feel uncomfortable.

They text a lot, he's very protective of her and they're at the cinema together now.... I feel like i shouldn't be jealous at all, because it's completely normal for friends to go to the cinema together - but as it's just the too of them i'm absoloutley green with envy. I tend to over analyse the little things really, like him inviting her to go and stay at his home for the weekend.

We were all out last night, she got a bit too drunk and upset and left with her flatmate who was more than capable of looking after her yet i overheard him on the phone saying he'd go over and check on her. At which point i flipped and now feel like a prize idiot for doing so.

I'm pretty piss poor at explaining it but i'd just like to know peoples opinions on it really. Am i being completely ridiculous ?

Howabout you reverse the game and go out with a guy friend to a cinema and see how he reacts =P

Reply 26

ConfusedRazzledandy

1

Nutta!

Haha, you are an idiot lol

HEY, if you can't keep hold of your man.. maybe he does have feelings for her..

The best gf are usually the ones that were his 'best mate' in the first place..

I would look at what you are doing.. why should be with you, if she could be a better catch?

Dude! That's so harsh!

And I must say, I don't think the idea of the weekend sleepover. Sounds really suspicious :security:

Guys sometimes eh ? ! :headfire:

Reply 27

JohnnytheFox

13

Why not suggest you go to the cinema with them next time? Or better yet, suggest coming round his house for the weekend with her. Say you'd like to get to know her a bit better, seeing as she's such a good friend of your boyfriend.

If he looks uncomfortable with that idea or tries wriggling out of it, then yeah, he's ******* her.

Reply 28

SouthernFreerider

12

it definitely sounds suspicious.

Reply 29

GPL1989

2

He's definitely out of order, and I'm sorry to say that I think you should be a little worried, but you really need to try your hardest not to go all needy/desperate on him. I mean, it COULD be nothing. I've been fine with males staying the night at girlfriends' places in the past but they were normally very old friends, not people she'd just met.

You should talk to him for sure like the others said, but I think you should do it with a "I seriously don't like this, I'm willing to break up with you if this continues" sort of attitude. He's taking the piss a bit because he thinks you're relaxed about it. Make it clear you're serious - make him feel some kind of fear of loss. Don't just sit there crying telling him how much you love him because that might end up pushing him away.

If it does continue then have some self respect and get out of there ASAP, cut off contact with him. Although it may be difficult to see it right now, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Edit: I hope this didn't sound too harsh, but I hate it when people try to lie and sugar coat their words when giving advice, because it really doesn't help in the long run. I wish I was given harsh, honest advice when a similar thing happened to me. Good luck!

Reply 30

Waiting.

OP

5

GPL1989

Edit: I hope this didn't sound too harsh, but I hate it when people try to lie and sugar coat their words when giving advice, because it really doesn't help in the long run. I wish I was given harsh, honest advice when a similar thing happened to me. Good luck!

Don't worry about it, The reason i turned to an internet forum is for some decent honest opinions. As helpful as talking to your friends can be, they seem to be too worried about upsetting me to tell me what they really think. Thanks!

Reply 31

Bobifier

13

I have a close female friend who I would happily do all those things with, and if I also had a girlfriend who was jealous, I'd tell her she was being stupid. Because she would be.

Reply 32

Waiting.

OP

5

I tried to have a conversation, it was whilst we were watching a tv programme so i guess i picked the wrong moment. Mentioned how i'd felt uncomfortable with them going to the cinema alone together - he emphasised the fact that they were 'BEST mates' - i said fair enough but there should be some respect towards me and how certain things will make me feel (basically a quote of what someone on here said, thanks) He didn't really further the conversation or try to reasure me in any way and we went back to watching tv. He's now asleep and i'm up at 2/3am feeling pretty frustrated. Ugh.

Reply 33

flugestuge

3

Waiting.

They text a lot, he's very protective of her and they're at the cinema together now....
i overheard him on the phone saying he'd go over and check on her.
him inviting her to go and stay at his home for the weekend.

Pretty strange and suspicious.
I am amazed that you put up with his behaviour.
At this rate, he is going to dump you for her.
Dump him first before he cheats on you.

Reply 34

sir-lewis

11

Waiting.

I tried to have a conversation, it was whilst we were watching a tv programme so i guess i picked the wrong moment. Mentioned how i'd felt uncomfortable with them going to the cinema alone together - he emphasised the fact that they were 'BEST mates' - i said fair enough but there should be some respect towards me and how certain things will make me feel (basically a quote of what someone on here said, thanks) He didn't really further the conversation or try to reasure me in any way and we went back to watching tv. He's now asleep and i'm up at 2/3am feeling pretty frustrated. Ugh.

More information is needed for this to recieve clear opinions.
Firstly are you at uni together? or living locally? as im in a LDR and i would go cinema with a close female friend and my gf with a close male if the film was something only i and the friend or her and her friend would enjoy. (ie, not us together)

Secondly, the whole staying at his? in what context is this? does she live in halls near him and is simply staying in his room? or bed? as this would be wrong, him walking her back after clubbing etc, is fine of course.or her passing out in his room, he putting her on the bed, and then him sleeping on the floor in the same room is also fine.
Or is it like shes coming to visit his home town where she will stay in his home house, with his family and not in his bed? as this is also acceptable.

However, if your at uni together/or close, then "noticably" more time spent with her over you is wrong, not inviting you to the cinema unless on very rare terms is wrong, giving her unneeded reasons to stay in his room is wrong. If hes doing these then yeah, hes in the wrong.

Reply 35

Anonymous #1

hmm, not sure what to advise you on here.

i used to be the best friend in this situation and the fact is i definitely did fancy him and it turned out he fancied me as well. (although even after i found out the feelings were mutual i didn't go for it so as not to betray the girlfriend/my friend and broke off my friendship with him instead -- ladybros before manhos or some rubbish)

but on the other hand, they could just be friends, so i dunno

depends on if you trust him or not

Reply 36

pina.Love

17

Waiting.

My boyfriend is on a female dominated course and as a result has a fair few female friends, which has never bothered me at all. He's pretty close with one in particular though and it's started to make me feel uncomfortable.

They text a lot, he's very protective of her and they're at the cinema together now.... I feel like i shouldn't be jealous at all, because it's completely normal for friends to go to the cinema together - but as it's just the too of them i'm absoloutley green with envy. I tend to over analyse the little things really, like him inviting her to go and stay at his home for the weekend.

We were all out last night, she got a bit too drunk and upset and left with her flatmate who was more than capable of looking after her yet i overheard him on the phone saying he'd go over and check on her. At which point i flipped and now feel like a prize idiot for doing so.

I'm pretty piss poor at explaining it but i'd just like to know peoples opinions on it really. Am i being completely ridiculous ?

You have every right to be jealous!
Inviting her to his house over the weekend.
Going alone with her to the cinema
Being overprotective.
That is just too suspicious.

You have to talk to him and tell him you are uncomfortable

Reply 37

Anonymous #2

The fact that he is at the cinema with her is weird, it should be you. If theres a film just out that he wants to see he should automatically ask you.. not her. Even if there isnt something going on between them (dont start making accusations) he shouldnt be spending so much time with her rather than you. Relationships kinda screwed because you cant suddenly demand he no longer sees her because then he'l hate you for being a jealous phsycopath. Such a bad situation but trust your instincts. Youre paranoid but he has more than given you enough reason to be.

Reply 38

haidoreru

Waiting.

X

It's absolutely fine to have a close friend of the opposite sex, so long as it's always been very clear that your boyfriend and that girl have an absolutely platonic relationship... (However, it seems to me that the state of their relationship is NOT clear to you and hence this thread).

Going to the cinema with just ONE other close friend of the opposite sex is acceptable (although I personally wouldn't do it and also wouldn't like it if my bf does it too, because it's TOO movie-date-ish, unless there are other explanations like she's a friend from home, havent caught up with friend for a long time, she's just a mate, etc.. etc..). If your boyfriend has always been clear about how he feels about you, you should trust him and relax, she is JUST a close female friend.

However, inviting her over to stay at HIS home for the weekend is a little too... INTIMATE for this girl just being his "friend". Why didnt he invite you over to stay at his home instead? :s-smilie:

It's just weird how he's choosing to invite her over you.

going over to hers "just to check on her" after she has gone home with a flatmate who's perfectly capable of taking care of her is ALSO a little too intimate and is too much what a bf should do.

to be honest, I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this and tell him how you feel. Try to be calm and also not to sound accusatory - men can get a little defensive when they feel like they're under some verbal attack.

Bottomline is, when you're in a relationship, you should always feel secure in each other's feelings for the other and there really shouldnt be anything which makes you doubt your boyfriend's feelings for you. Yes, there are always little things which come our way to throw us momentarily off our stable ground, but deep down, you should always be certain of your partner's feelings. If you're having doubts at the moment, there might not be a cause for great alarm... but you should definitely talk to your boyfriend.