WJEC English B1. Descriptive writing
Original question was:
Describe the scene in a fish and chip shop on a busy Friday evening.
Walking towards the fish and chip shop as a thrill in itself – one that built with every step. The day was bright and the scorching sun shone upon our heads as if we were its minions. The shop wasn’t visible until we turned the last corner which enlightened our heads. It gave us expectations which we could not imagine, something unique had hit us and we could not wait to arrive. Sounds were already beginning to get louder as we get closer, children all around were heading to this new phenomenal chip shop and along the way you could hear them either talking about it or even singing as it was a traditional event such as Christmas. When we turned towards the last corner, we knew that we were going to have the time of our lives.
Then we arrived, the first thing we saw was the menu which was stuck on the top so you could see it as you walked in. It shone upon your eyes with various lights ranging from blue to yellow. Children were behind each other as a sheep herd, all wanting to get a bite of the delicious food which you could smell from a mile away. The chips smelt delicious along with the chicken and battered sausage. The moment of truth had arrived as we got closer towards our turn in being served by the posh employers. They wore red outfits with designer shoes; this made them stand out like the fish and chip shop.
The next thing that hit us was the warm crispy chicken nuggets – surely we needed a bite of this! We decided upon buying each and every item that was available. As we got closer in line, the faster my heart started to beat, it almost felt as if I was on life support waiting to be given my medicine which was the food. As we looked to our left we could see children already being served eating the crispy nuggets, the icy chicken. It was called for now, we needed to have this even if the world ended, all we wanted was a bite, nothing more, nothing less.
As the so called herd of children got smaller, our turn to get served was getting closer. Time went so fast I didn’t notice it fly by’. It was finally our turn in being served. As I reached for my pocket to get some shiny coins, the employer looked down on me. As he opened his mouth and started to talk his teeth shone upon me, they were as white as the snow. I reached for my money and handed it to the employer as I asked for ‘Crispy Nuggets’, he took the coins out of my hand and handed me the delicious, mind blowing plate filled with ‘Crispy Nuggets’. I felt as if my dream had come true, it felt as if we had achieved the American dream. My nose tingled as the scent entered my nose, my mouth opened slowly waiting for the nuggets to enter. As I ate one of the nuggets it felt as if I had been given an addictive drug. I wanted more and more. This was the new fish and chip shop. This was the beginning of a evening to remember.
I like it, although i reckon calling the chip shop phenomenal doesn't really sound right.... But i guess you had to exaggerate otherwise you'd just be describing, you know, a chip shop... But on the whole, i think it's well written.
Your grammar is dodgy, and a lot of your words don't actually fit how you want to use them.
Why is it a "so called herd"? Why do you describe the coins as "shiny"? You're just saying things for the sake of saying things. Think about what you're adding and why you're saying something.
I had this as my question for GCSE
I went the opposite way and described a grimey, grease-choked place. I wouldn't be able to write as enthusiastic a description as that without whimpering in pain whilst doing it. >,<
Hey, I don't know what sort of level of criticism you're looking for, so I'll just point out a few things. In general, you seem to use a fair few words out of context. As an example...
the scorching sun shone upon our heads as if we were its minions.
That doesn't make sense, because a minion is, basically, an inferior entity used by a superior being to carry out its bidding. Think Sauron in Lord of the Rings, using his orcs to do his dirty work.
The shop wasn’t visible until we turned the last corner which enlightened our heads.
It doesn't make sense to use 'enlightened' here.
I felt as if my dream had come true, it felt as if we had achieved the American dream.
It doesn't really make sense to use 'the American Dream' here, since it refers to the idea that anybody can cross class divides and utilise capitalism to make a success of their lives.
Anyway hopefully that helps. You've a great imagination, and the structure is really good, so keep at it!
Upon actually reading it, I'd say it's painfully (oh so painfully...) obvious that you're just jamming it with painful hyperbole and useless adjectives because you think it'll get you marks. Use these things sparingly. It isn't bad per se (I would quite like some of those chicken nuggets now...) but alot of what you're saying is either awkward or unescessary.
Try being more realistic. Yes realism might be boring, but it's what you know. Being descriptive doesn't have to mean being over the top.
thanks for letting me cheat
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