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Favorite one liners from comedians

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Applying to Uni? Let Universities come to you. Click here to get your perfect place 20-10-2014
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    I have one of those fridge magnets that says:

    " Don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes, then they are a mile away and you have their shoes!!"
    Hardly original but still made me laugh when I first heard it.
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    'Does an earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe?' Milton Jones

    'I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement i saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.' Milton Jones
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    (Original post by these_apples)
    Also another Jimmy Carr one liner in response to Michelle McMannus's 4 stone weight loss.

    "Thats like throwing a deck chair off the titanic"
    that is so damn funny!

    whilst driving the other day i spotted a sign by a special needs school which said 'slow-children,' i thought 'that cant do much for their self esteem.' but then again they probably cant read. - jimmy carr

    lmao

    i rang up the local take away the other day and asked 'do you deliver?' the bloke said 'no, we do chicken, beef and fish.' - peter kay/ dave spikey lol

    hahaha
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    jen- that peter kay quote was dave spikey's

    'I'll have an Xtra large Big Mac with all the trimmings. super french fries and a ... diet Coke!' The dad says 'Careful love, you'll fall down a plug hole'. I said 'A Plug hole? She wouldn't fall down a man hole!' Dave Spikey
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    Not sure if it's a one liner but it's pretty cool.

    "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams

    Douglas Adams.. what a dude!
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    a couple of bill's

    "im a vegiatarian. Im not strict. I eat fish.....and duck. they're nearly fish anyway..."

    "any vegans in?
    *some go woo*
    "any hardcore vegans? Those that wont drive through towns with ham in their name"

    "Im a post modern vegitarian. I eat meat ironically"
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    Tommy Cooper..

    "it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

    "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
    any."

    'Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
    up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."'
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    ^^ genius...the frst one..tommy cooper
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    A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." - Jimmy Carr

    saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson

    My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. - Patrick Monahan


    Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. - Scott Capurro

    I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" - Arnold Brown

    just a few
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    Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. - Scott Capurro

    that is so funny!
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    'Cigarettes are very like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.' - Boothby Graffoe.

    That's the quote I drag out every time one of these threads crops up, because it's the funniest thing in the whole world. Ever.
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    "I don't know what was going through the head of the American soldier when he pulled the trigger, but i know what was going through the Iraqi's - a bullet."

    Jimmy Carr
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    Outside a dog a book is a mans best friend, inside a dog its too dark to read - Groucho Marx
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    You know I'm the only Iraqi comedian, yeah true, at least that makes us 3 more than Germany -Omid Djali
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    (Original post by Trousers)
    'Cigarettes are very like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.' - Boothby Graffoe.

    That's the quote I drag out every time one of these threads crops up, because it's the funniest thing in the whole world. Ever.
    Boothby Graffoe is a comedy God.
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    Boothby is brilliant. I once saw him at the Comedy store and his was really good at improvising as well. The fire alarm accidently went off and his sharp mind quickly pointed out that 'The Fire Exits are marked by the finger nails of the previous audience.'

    'Iraq, afghanistan, sudan. Cor, that was a badly planned cycle holiday' Milton Jones
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    do youo like to giggle when i mention the name biggus dickus?
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    Don't get me started on Monty Python, oh well, one won't hurt....

    We are the knights who say NI!
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    tis but a scratch!
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    (Original post by killerbee)
    tis but a scratch!
    come on, come on, Ill bite your legs off
Updated: September 26, 2005
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