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My GF and I just broke up after nearly 14 months....I just wanna vent really...

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OhHowIronic

If she says she still loves you, then she's not being very efficient in making a clean break. One usually declares a lack of feeling towards their bf/gf as a means of making sure the other person feels like they have nothing to salvage, and can move on effectively, if u get what i mean. perhaps the fact that she still says she loves you is a sign that deep, deep down she still wants to be with you? even if she asked you to leave (perhaps just a way to save face, and not confront difficult questions about the relationship). imo the decision rests with you as to whether you want to try and make it work. has she said anything to you since?

I think you missed the point lol. I never wanted to end it. Its her who 'doesn't wan to be together' yet 'still loves me'. I am trying to get her bac but she's just given up...

Reply 21

GapYear01

Barden

I know, I know....and she also (rightly) said that all my stress (which i suggested may be why she's been finding me irritable recently) is self inflicted (money problems....academic problems...). What I find hard to swallow is that I was like this when I met her...and she'd known me for almost a year before we started dating lol..

How about get your life sorted i.e. money etc then attempt to get her back? then the worst that could happen is she says no and youre then in a position to be a good catch for someone else? But, dont underestimate your part in the break up, because you will just go through the same thing in each relationship.

Reply 22

Ham22

Pheylan

LOL....

and tl:dr. :llama:

Reply 23

username133326

GapYear01

I'm a student lol, so i have money, but only at the start of each term :p:

I am looking for a job though....(yes i am actively doing this!)

We're in an LDR when im at uni....5 hour train journey, usually see eachother every 6 weeks while im away...it could be that we've grown apart somewhat....

Reply 24

Bbeben

[QUOTE="Barden"]CBA to anon.....I don't care who knows this.

Where to start.... :frown:

I wouldn't say I was dumped per se.....I'd like to think of it as my (now ex-, I guess) GF and I putting our cards on the table and eventually coming to terms, with her being the one who didn't want to work on things.

An argument precipitated our heart to heart. She'd just got back from a girls' holiday to Ayia Napa for a week, and whilst I do want to trust her, I am generally rather insecure and paranoid at times. This was not helped by a Facebook post by one of our 'friends' (also in Ayia Napa), claiming that she'd been having a holiday fling. Now I didn't really believe for one minute that it could be true, as it was just this girl's cruel idea of a joke. My GF had given me a heads-up about the comment before I actually saw it, and I believed her when she said it was untrue and just our friend being herself.

Yesterday I met up with my GF for the first time since she'd been back, and I couldn't help myself but ask her face-to-face about this alleged 'fling'. Despite the fact that I was already satisfied nothing had happened, I still wanted to hear it from her, rather than read it via text.

This upset my GF - "If you trust me, then you shouldn't need to ask".

Now don't get me wrong, her word is golden. If she says nothing happened then I whole-heartedly believe her. But I think that given the circumstances, I have a right to ask don't I? They do say 'no smoke without fire' afterall.

It wasn't necessarily about her actively cheating on me - I was very worried about her getting bladdered and being taken advantage of, especially since the group of friends she was with are (for the most part) very immature and quite naive. What guy wouldn't be worried about his GF being in a resort like that, where 95%+ of the guys out there are looking for one thing.

She says nothing happened, I believe her. I was fine on this issue, and still am. This was the first real test of my trust in her, and she passed (I stupidly actually said that... :banghead:

) However, this all really upset her (somewhat understandably, I do of course realise).

I also said something along the lines of, "Relationships aren't built on trust, they are built on mutual respect. Trusting one's partner won't stop them from cheating, but their respect for you will". Again, probably not the best thing to say at that time.

But does anyone agree with me here? Surely the onus is on one to not cheat, rather than on the other to trust them not to?

So anyway, trust issues and general pre-match build-up aside...

We got back to her's, sat down and basically just cried in each other's company for 2 or 3 hours, whilst she told me how I've "changed", I'm "not the guy [she] fell in love with" and how since I've been back from uni, "all we seem to do is argue".

I don't see how I've changed.

She cited my laziness - I've always been lazy, and done the bare minimum amount of work etc to get by. She's always known this.

Apparently I get angry easily - the cites my getting pissed off at TV adverts which are stupid etc, when thats actually me trying to be funny and she obviously hasn't been getting that. This is especially hypocritical since all these arguments we've had recently (i.e. about 4 over about 3 weeks) have been her completely overreacting to me doing something (unbeknown to me) irritating, without even asking me to stop first. Whenever she gets inordinately angry at me, I grin and bear it, because I love her. Yet when the shoe is on the other foot she holds it against me.

There were a few other bugbears, like how I used to be very anti-smoking yet nowadays I sometimes smoke socially if everyone else is. She seemed resentful that I ask her for lifts all the time, and that I don't like walk her home much like I did in the early days, before she could drive (well duh...one doesn't walk home in a car...). Whilst maybe I was starting to take her for granted in this respect, she didn't always have to oblige. She could have said no and I'd have got the bus, but I always asked because I have literally no money at the moment.

Anyway, to cut to the chase. She, "still loves me, but don't make [her] happy anymore".

So after a while of trying to convince her not to give up at the first bloody hurdle, I just got up and started to leave, and asked her to make a snap decision as to whether we break up or not. She finally did. I left.

The worst thing about all of this is that she says she still cares. If she didn't, I could understand. How can she throw away what we have without so much as a fight? She criticised me for having no drive or motivation (aforementioned laziness), yet she's going to let a few petty arguments (most of which we can't even remember what they were about) stop our relationship from moving forward, and instead just leave it to fade away.

I know that I'm not perfect, but I think our relationship at least deserves some work before we throw it into the gutter. If she really does still love me, that is...

(Anyone who read this is a real trooper :smile:

I'll reward constructive comments with +rep where I can)

I skimmed through this and got the jist. How old are you, brah?

This doesn't sound like the advice you want - but MAN UP, seriously just MAN UP.

Listen to my similar situation: I had a girlfriend of which I was with for about the same length of time and to her I had changed, she was drifting away, falling for someone else and what not. To me, I saw she was becoming more aggressive to me and it wasn't *I* who changed, she was the one who was changing and my old self (which I still was at the time) was just not as attractive to her anymore despite her telling me I wasn't the same guy she fell in love with.

I left that relationship broken hearted for three months until I finally gave up inside for another chance - I no longer think of her. I looked at it as a learning experience and looked at myself. First - I started hanging out with a lot of my friends and very often to get over her and experience the better things of life. Second - I realized in order to be a better person for everyone and a future girlfriend I needed to be more OPTIMISTIC - rather than criticizing things or belitting them because that was my *humor*, I decided to become more open minded, change my humor, and become a more happy person. I wanted to be more motivated and do something I would love and that the girls would love and this was the gym. I found my love of body building a few months after the break up and have never looked back. My physique went through the roof, my optimism went sky high, I was in love with encouraging people, joking about silly things rather than criticizing and I personally think I offered a welcome environment.

Now, that was two years ago and I have the most lovely girlfriend now. She is the most beautiful girl I have met in my life (absolutely stunning), she's compassionate and caring and we get along so well. I can only attribute attracting a girl like her because of how optimistic and how much my body changed. Girls like a man who can motivate, stay happy, take control, yet not be too serious. Not everyone has to be a body builder but if you can find something you love whilst not being lazy you'll be fine.

Oh, and girls don't like lazy guys so do try to get out and mingle with your friends. Tell her you love her, tell your friends you love her so they will pass it on to her, make her special like she's the girl you're going to marry.

This is in time though. Give it a few months to get over this girl and lets hope in a year's time, maybe two - you'll find another one after YOU have taken a look at yourself, and with the help of others make a change.

Reply 25

SsEe

I can't stand people who think trust can be applied to every situation blindly - almost as a get out of jail free card for the trustee. She was out on holiday and somebody said she'd fooled around. Of course you're going to ask about it!! And she should have responded honestly. Simple. Either she did fool around and she didn't want to have to lie explicitly (would explain why she seemed fine giving up the relationship), or she hasn't understood that trusting someone and being a doormat are different things.

Reply 26

reems23

Friends aren't cruel. They don't make up **** like 'something happened on holiday'. That's ********. You're being played and she wants to make you feel guilty.

Reply 27

Dnator

Read as much as I could, sounds like she got her some holiday pounding. Slap that bitch

Reply 28

sssdeol1

Comeon man do something romantic and get her back!

Reply 29

soonerthanlater

tbh i can really relate to you bro - im like you aswell i get quite insecure and paranoid even though my gf is the most lovely girl ive ever met i just cant help it. I think what you wanna do is just kinda:

1. Use this as a learning experience and try not to do it again in future you may feel like you rushed into breaking up although i know it may not seem that way but you could have tried to let it go over the next few days and THEN made a decision.
2. Go apologise to the ex and just say to her - she knows what you're like so she should have expected something like this to happen - you dont have to be jealous because everyone gets insecure at some point in a relationship and its not something which you can exactly control.
3. Dwell on what you've done - which i wouldn't advise.

Good luck bro :o:

Reply 30

username133326

Bbeben

I skimmed through this and got the jist. How old are you, brah?

This doesn't sound like the advice you want - but MAN UP, seriously just MAN UP.

Listen to my similar situation: I had a girlfriend of which I was with for about the same length of time and to her I had changed, she was drifting away, falling for someone else and what not. To me, I saw she was becoming more aggressive to me and it wasn't *I* who changed, she was the one who was changing and my old self (which I still was at the time) was just not as attractive to her anymore despite her telling me I wasn't the same guy she fell in love with.

I left that relationship broken hearted for three months until I finally gave up inside for another chance - I no longer think of her. I looked at it as a learning experience and looked at myself. First - I started hanging out with a lot of my friends and very often to get over her and experience the better things of life. Second - I realized in order to be a better person for everyone and a future girlfriend I needed to be more OPTIMISTIC - rather than criticizing things or belitting them because that was my *humor*, I decided to become more open minded, change my humor, and become a more happy person. I wanted to be more motivated and do something I would love and that the girls would love and this was the gym. I found my love of body building a few months after the break up and have never looked back. My physique went through the roof, my optimism went sky high, I was in love with encouraging people, joking about silly things rather than criticizing and I personally think I offered a welcome environment.

Now, that was two years ago and I have the most lovely girlfriend now. She is the most beautiful girl I have met in my life (absolutely stunning), she's compassionate and caring and we get along so well. I can only attribute attracting a girl like her because of how optimistic and how much my body changed. Girls like a man who can motivate, stay happy, take control, yet not be too serious. Not everyone has to be a body builder but if you can find something you love whilst not being lazy you'll be fine.

Oh, and girls don't like lazy guys so do try to get out and mingle with your friends. Tell her you love her, tell your friends you love her so they will pass it on to her, make her special like she's the girl you're going to marry.

This is in time though. Give it a few months to get over this girl and lets hope in a year's time, maybe two - you'll find another one after YOU have taken a look at yourself, and with the help of others make a change.

I'm 19, she's 18. First proper relationship for both of us etc...

I get what you're saying, though I don't agree that I'm pessimistic...I think my demeanour and humour are two seperate (but related) entities.

You're experience does seem similar to mine though, in that she's changed too but is just pushing all the 'blame' onto me.

I went out last night, I decided I was going out the moment I left her house lol....I know I'll be OK without her..I just think it'd be such a shame to throw away what we have/had

Reply 31

username133326

reems23

Friends aren't cruel. They don't make up **** like 'something happened on holiday'. That's ********. You're being played and she wants to make you feel guilty.

thats why i put the word in inverted commas lol......the girl in question is a reknowned ****-stirrer....

Reply 32

reems23

The ******* who are suggesting the OP is at fault are *******.

cheated

Barden

thats why i put the word in inverted commas lol......the girl in question is a reknowned ****-stirrer....

How would your girlfriend know about the comment before the friend had posted it :iiam:

for optimal **** stirring she wouldn't tell the girlfriend.

Reply 35

purple_hyena

'I think our relationship at least deserves some work before we throw it into the gutter. If she really does still love me, that is...' .....'she says she still cares' ok she still cares and its quite clear you do too...you said yourself you've maybe taken her for granted, so if you want to make it work, put the finger out and show her that the relationship is worth it..her saying she doesn't believe in change shouldnt be an excuse for you..make her believe you have changed/want to change and if her criticisms of you were justified, own up to them, admit you were at fault..an apology for those small things that have been upsetting her could work wonders.

Reply 36

samiz20891

Well from the criticism she had, maybe this has been in her head for some time, and just building up and she may be thinking of breaking up for some time. I would just try and show her that you can change and be the boyfriend she wants, but I would not expect her to change her decision tbh, Good luck.

Reply 37

Georgiahoneybee

The fact is with long term relationships, if one or both people stop putting in the effort then it's not going to last. I'm not saying that is necessarily the case with you, but it sounds like that's how your ex-girlfriend feels. Obviously all that new exciting butterflies major lovey dovey stuff wears off after a while but you have to still work at a relationship. She said you don't make her happy anymore, does she still make you happy?
Sometimes relationships have just run her course, but if you want her back then I think you need to prove you are still are the "man she fell in love with"- maybe recreate your first date or some similar romantic gesture? I don't think you should completely change to keep her because that will never work, but discuss with her what you can both do to get your relationship back on track. Obviously this will only work if she's willing to consider giving you two another chance.
As for the trust issue, I have never been jealous at all really and thankfully my boyfriend is the same but it really does confuse me when people say they trust their partner completely and yet they still need to check. I can see lots of people suggesting she did cheat while she's away and now she feels guilty. Obviously only she knows if that's true, but if you're going to try again, I think you need to leave that issue alone (I mean if she has something to confess, hopefully she has the decency to do so).
All the best!

Reply 38

Bbeben

Barden

Just forget about her. That's honestly the only thing you can do because it's almost guarenteed you two won't get back together.

You know what I find REALLY funny? Now that I've got all this muscle, now that I have a new attitude, after my ex has gone through a few guys she is NOW asking me to come back to her?

...

Think on that. You're a better person then she is - be a different, better person and the girls will come looking for you.

Reply 39

username133326

reems23

How would your girlfriend know about the comment before the friend had posted it :iiam:

for optimal **** stirring she wouldn't tell the girlfriend.

I think it was more a case of:

'Friend': I'm going to tell Barden that you've been having a fling lololololol, just to wind him up...
GF: Why? thats horrible...
'Friend': because it will be funny...

My GF did say that she asked 'friend' not to post it...and it wasn't that she text me before it was posted, she text me before i'd read it lol