If you're a Muslim and you live in and around London, the likelihood is that you would have had the unfortunate pleasure of visiting the morally bankrupt cesspool of sleaze and corruption that is Edgware road. For the uninitiated, Edgware road (well, part of it anyway) is a place where young hip/cool Muslims hang out, smoke sheesha, chew khat and eat outrageously priced, sub par chicken shwarmas, served by rude arrogant Arab bus-boys who believe that their job title as "Head Waiter" gives them some sort of intellectual and/or moral authority over you.
It started of as a place popular for rich, lonely Arabs from abroad, who would bring their white girlfriends to ridiculously overpriced restaurants and show her off to their fellow pervert friends, while, of course, hitting on any remotely good looking girl who happened to walk in. Causing a scene in the process and eventually being thrown out by an overzealous, pissed off "Head Waiter". E-Road (as it is referred to by regulars) soon became popular with Pakistani's, and, more recently, P-Diddy clones (aka Somalis).
Over time, something quite remarkable happened. The non-Arabs had slowly begun (for want of a better word) to metamorphosise into Arabs - This spread of Arab culture amongst non-Arabs was nothing short of astonishing. Pakistani's were using words like "yalla", "akhi" and "habibi" in their regular conversations. The tea towel scarf was now being worn with the shalwar kameez...the song "habibi dah" was on everyone’s' play list... men fantasized about one day marrying a fair skinned Arab girl and made plans on how they would take up residence in Dubai once they graduate.
The trend continues today, and has gotten to the stage where many have deluded themselves into believing that they actually ARE of Arab extraction, making up some outlandish story about how his/her great-grandfather was of one eighth Syrian. Or, that their "Ahmed" surname somehow proves their Arabian heritage. Morons.
You see, normally you have to be careful when making gross generalisations about people en mass, but in this case, the generalisations are completely justified. Take, for example, the now famous E-Road rude boys. They normally hang around in groups of about 300, making the already overcrowded road an absolute chore to get around. They adorn, almost without exception, the standard chavistani attire. Hoody's, baseball caps, low riders and Persil white Adidas trainers… fake silver chains are also common. Their sole purpose (in life?) is to roam the streets looking for their female counterparts (hojabi's) who they will invariably greet with the words "whagwan sister" before proceeding to one of the multitude of classless Arab cafe's where they will practise smoking near perfect rings and indulge themselves in groundbreaking conversational topics such as "why biggie is better than tupac" or "the latest Nokia hand set which has, get this, 512mb space for MP3’s, wicked!"
But Edgware road isn’t all rude Arabs, and Pakistani chavs. You also get the more distinguished crowd. The well educated stiff upper lip types. Normally in their mid-to-late 20's, they turn up dressed like metrosexuals models and can usually be found clutching a copy of today's Financial Times. The groups are a lot smaller, not more than 4..a pot of herbal tea can always be found on their table. The topic of choice is usually work (oh yes, I went to see a client in Singapore last week...went to this fab restaurant...you must go) although sometimes marriage (depending on their relationship status) is discussed. For the most part, their manner is a refreshing change from the usual redneck types mentioned above. Although obnoxious at times, the elder crowd tend to be pretty decent folk.
Finally, we move on to the elderly. The 60 something Arab men who, rather than spend their precious time with grandchildren, prefer instead, to sit in a sleazy underground cafe with equally sleazy men discussing god knows what up into small hours of the morning. I’m not sure whether they are hard of hearing, but their discussion seems to be more like a shouting contest than an actual conversation. "I CAN SHOUT LOUDER THAN YOU" said one "NO YOU CANT, I CAN SHOUT LOUDER THAN YOU" said the other, using the most gutter form of Slang Arabic known to man. I actually find this particular group quite amusing, especially when they turn the local Mc D's into a social hang out reminiscent of a cafe in downtown Beirut - believe me, there is nothing, NOTHING, funnier than seeing a congregation of about 10 elderly Arab men sitting in McDonalds, eating bismillah hamburgers. You can only shudder at the thought of what the god-forsaken employees at Mc D's must go through - round the clock requests for shisha instead of milkshake, filet-o-fish running out of stock, aggressive men complaining about the lack of salt in their French fries. May god have mercy.
Yet, despite all this. Despite the idiots. Despite the atmosphere, despite the distinct lack of class shown by about, say, 80% of the regulars and about 100% of those moron waiters....I still go there, every week. Without Fail...and I'm not sure why. Am I compelled by idiots? Am I just another e-road stereotype?