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Past problems brought into a relationship?

Okay, you may remember I posted here a while back about being really unhappy at uni...well, things are getting better now and I really like this guy who apparently likes me too, according to his friends...so people are trying to set us up.
The thing is, I was sexually abused and almost raped quite recently, and I have a lot of problems, especially with sex and trusting guys. Don't get me wrong, this guy is really sweet and would never hurt me, but I just tense up whenever anyone comes near me even platonically.
I can see so many reasons why it's a bad idea to get into a relationship but I feel really attracted to him - to be cliched, my head says no and my heart says yes.
So my first question is, should I follow head or heart?

The second one is this: my ex and I broke up in March, basically because I was keeping all this from him and being very hard to live with. I think anyone I'm going out with deserves to know this stuff about my past because it obviously upsets me at times, but how do you tell someone something like that, and when?

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life; I know I need to get out there and start dating again to get close to guys and try and get over the past. I'm just not sure how to do it without hurting anyone, either by scaring them or keeping things from them.

As ever, advice would be really appreciated!

Reply 1

Lauren Hart

3

I think that if you feel ready to, you need to sit him down from day one and say it all to him. He needs to understand that if you pull back from him there's a reason. Secondly i think that a relationship could be either good or bad, depending on the guy, so long as he is ok with your past and is not nasty to you - hence why you have to say from day one. No it isnt easy to say it to him, but i think that you need do it.

Relationships can offer you a safety net so long as you are clean about your past and you go slowly. Good luck hun!

Reply 2

frank01277779

1

Lauren Hart

I think that if you feel ready to, you need to sit him down from day one and say it all to him. He needs to understand that if you pull back from him there's a reason. Secondly i think that a relationship could be either good or bad, depending on the guy, so long as he is ok with your past and is not nasty to you - hence why you have to say from day one. No it isnt easy to say it to him, but i think that you need do it.

Relationships can offer you a safety net so long as you are clean about your past and you go slowly. Good luck hun!

I pretty much agree with that.

If he does like you and wants you two to go out then you will have to sit down and talk and you will just have to tell him everything. thats the only way i feel a relationship can work for you at the moment, and if he's the right guy he'll be ok with it, and will understand that you need to take things slowly and support you and things. it might scare him off depending on the type of guy he is but if this happens then it will be for the best because he wont be able to handle you being off with him or whatever either.

glad you're happier at uni anyway, obviously its you're decision about a boyfriend, only you will know whether you feel ready or not, dont feel you have to do it before you are ready, a bad relationship/ the wrong guy wont help you get over things more quickly or gain your confidence back...

Reply 3

Lauren Hart

3

Very true - a bad relationship is gonna be the worse possible thing for you!

Reply 4

MagicNMedicine

20

opiache

So my first question is, should I follow head or heart?!

heart

opiache

The second one is this: my ex and I broke up in March, basically because I was keeping all this from him and being very hard to live with. I think anyone I'm going out with deserves to know this stuff about my past because it obviously upsets me at times, but how do you tell someone something like that, and when?

just as you get in bed with him...doesnt have to be the full story straight off, but explain youve had a bad experience of sexual abuse which has scared you of men, just so he understands. You can elaborate better.

Reply 5

Dalimyr

17

So my first question is, should I follow head or heart?

That's ultimately your decision, but personally it's my heart that will usually win over my head :biggrin:

how do you tell someone something like that, and when?

As Lauren said, sitting down on day one and telling him would probably be best...if you start hiding things from him and he starts to catch onto that, he's really not going to know what to think, and that can most definitely be worse than if he knows everything. If he knows whats going on, and if he sees you getting upset about it, then at least he may be able to help you. After all, talking about problems can give a psychological boost :smile:

Reply 6

Lauren Hart

3

Ye, especially if you're gonna be cagey about being close to him - i.e. making out, or even just cuddling up on a bed or whatever. If he doesnt understand or know you're un comfy it'll lead to you not having a good relationship.

Reply 7

Love_Hearts

9

arhh babe im soo sorry. ive got a friend in the same boat. she was sexually abused a few years back and no matter how hard she tries she cannot put it behind her until recently.... shes been to counciling and is begining to come around t that fact that it was nothin to do with (all the **** that she went through). shres got a loving boyfriend who doesnt know yet what shes been through. im preety sure she will tell him soon. u tell some one when u trust them 100%. the prick that hurt u so mcuh should be locked away. try talking to some one about it.... iu was honered when my mate told me her darkest secret... shes a lot happier now too. so can u be. if u trust the guy then go for it.... but remember you only go as far as u want to go.. good luck for the future. i hope u can overcome this problem and move on xx

Reply 8

IzzTheGreat

OP

10

Thanks for all the replies, I think deep down that's mostly what I was thinking. I just still think it's a huge, evil, awkward thing to have to break to someone. :frown:

Reply 9

RobbieC

15

But none of that is your fault, and its unfair that you should have to tell him to be honest, but its best for you to let him know. Im sure he will do his best to understand if hes anything like you described..

Reply 10

Dalimyr

17

opiache

I just still think it's a huge, evil, awkward thing to have to break to someone. :frown:

I don't think anyone's going to deny that...but in the end, it would probably be more awkward if you try to hide it, if it keeps coming back to you. If it was something that didn't come back, you probably could get away with not talking about it, but unfortunately for you that's not the case. We all feel for you though, hun...

Reply 11

john171

11

Follow instinct, usually (90% of the time) it's right. Instinct is the key.

Reply 12

Laursy

10

u shouldn't let things in the past ruin something good which it sounds like u deserve hun i know its really hard to do but its omething u have to do u need to put the past behind u emotionally and also pyically if u catch my dirft

maybe you should sit down and talk to this guy who likes you if you trust him 110% with ur past and im sure he will support u guys dunt like to rush girls i know its not true in some guys cases some are totall losers but most of them are nice and have feelings

i hope it all works out for u, from what u have posted about what youhave been though u derserve to be happy and a chance for something good like everybody else you should tak things slow and see what happens

Reply 13

IzzTheGreat

OP

10

Laursy

u shouldn't let things in the past ruin something good which it sounds like u deserve hun i know its really hard to do but its omething u have to do u need to put the past behind u emotionally and also pyically if u catch my dirft

maybe you should sit down and talk to this guy who likes you if you trust him 110% with ur past and im sure he will support u guys dunt like to rush girls i know its not true in some guys cases some are totall losers but most of them are nice and have feelings

i hope it all works out for u, from what u have posted about what youhave been though u derserve to be happy and a chance for something good like everybody else you should tak things slow and see what happens

I know, one of my friends was saying last night that maybe having some good experiences with sex would help emotionally. The problem is, he seems like a nice guy, but so did my ex. I'm not sure whether I trust him enough to tell him yet.

Reply 14

Laursy

10

in that case

it sounds silly but it works

start of as mates then when u get closer and closer together not only will it be great but u will learn to trust them but not rushing into something becasue that could bring things back from the past!

Reply 15

Apricot Fairy

16

Yeah, get to know him better, spend some time together, and then when the time feels right, tell him what happened and what you went through. Explain that you like him, but you find it difficult to trust men as a result of what happened to you, and ask him to be patient. If he wants to be with you and he's a nice guy, he'll decide you're worth the wait and he'll be happy to go slowly.

Past problems brought into a relationship?

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