How do I tell my Muslim family that I was raped?
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Original post by Anonymous
I have conducted a timeline of the instances that I was raped during my childhood (aged 4 to around 9) by my Mum's youngest brother.
I have remembered it all in little pieces over the course of my teenage years (I'm 19 years old now) suffered my first break down in 2009 (at sixth form).
I had counselling a couple of times, and I let it all out. By the end of 2009, I was no longer 'miserable' and I went about living my life. But over the past two years, it has continued to eat me up and I've had to suffer in secret and completely alone.
His wife has recently given birth to a baby boy, so for that reason, my parents have got into contact with him again. I was back from uni and they tried to make me visit him with them. I refused. My parents (especially my Mum) got really mad at me, and she was like "you're being rude. What has he ever done to you?" obviously I couldn't tell her.
When my family got back after seeing him and his new baby, they were all like "Uncle was asking about you!" I felt sick to my stomach and I cried myself to sleep that night (after a year of being in denial/indifferent). I hate him.
I'm back in uni now, and can't seem to stop thinking about what he's done to me. While he's probably have no trouble sleeping at night, it takes me hours to fall asleep, and I end up sleeping through my lectures.
I do and don't want to tell my parents that he raped me. On one hand, I'll have established some sort of "peace" because it won't eat me up as much but on the other, I'm horrified at the thought of putting my Mum through that. She loves him to bits and I know it will be difficult for her to understand and believe.
What should I do? How should I go about doing it? Should I write a letter to them?
I have contemplated telling my older brother first, and that way I'll have him on my side (he will believe me).
I am just incredibly embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. The very thought of 'revealing' it to my family scares me. I've been brought up in such a way that my siblings and I have never been allowed to discuss anything to do with the topic of sex, the word 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' has always been a complete no-no.
It will change my life, in a sense, if I reveal this to my family. I've always been viewed as the 'bad child' and for my parents, they'll finally understand why.
I would appriecaiate some advice from fellow Muslims.
Thanks
I have remembered it all in little pieces over the course of my teenage years (I'm 19 years old now) suffered my first break down in 2009 (at sixth form).
I had counselling a couple of times, and I let it all out. By the end of 2009, I was no longer 'miserable' and I went about living my life. But over the past two years, it has continued to eat me up and I've had to suffer in secret and completely alone.
His wife has recently given birth to a baby boy, so for that reason, my parents have got into contact with him again. I was back from uni and they tried to make me visit him with them. I refused. My parents (especially my Mum) got really mad at me, and she was like "you're being rude. What has he ever done to you?" obviously I couldn't tell her.
When my family got back after seeing him and his new baby, they were all like "Uncle was asking about you!" I felt sick to my stomach and I cried myself to sleep that night (after a year of being in denial/indifferent). I hate him.
I'm back in uni now, and can't seem to stop thinking about what he's done to me. While he's probably have no trouble sleeping at night, it takes me hours to fall asleep, and I end up sleeping through my lectures.
I do and don't want to tell my parents that he raped me. On one hand, I'll have established some sort of "peace" because it won't eat me up as much but on the other, I'm horrified at the thought of putting my Mum through that. She loves him to bits and I know it will be difficult for her to understand and believe.
What should I do? How should I go about doing it? Should I write a letter to them?
I have contemplated telling my older brother first, and that way I'll have him on my side (he will believe me).
I am just incredibly embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. The very thought of 'revealing' it to my family scares me. I've been brought up in such a way that my siblings and I have never been allowed to discuss anything to do with the topic of sex, the word 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' has always been a complete no-no.
It will change my life, in a sense, if I reveal this to my family. I've always been viewed as the 'bad child' and for my parents, they'll finally understand why.
I would appriecaiate some advice from fellow Muslims.
Thanks
OK, sorry, I really dont understand this post..
As in, he penetrated you when you were 4?....How would you know? sorry, I am just a little confused...what does a 4-year old pussy look like...or a second thought, I really dont want to know......but I would guess it would be very tiny........
I just cant comprehend this...sorry..and goodluck
Original post by Pickford
What the hell has your family being muslim go to do with anything. Are you suggesting that non-muslim families just take rape with a pinch of salt and move on?
Slightly besides the point isn't it?
Jesus...
How you feel is understandable. You feel alone, lost, hurt betrayed... and if/when you do tell your family... those feelings will intensify. Many people think the relevance of Muslim is being rather rude or offensive but unfortunately I knew a Muslim which something similar happened unfortunately her familt turned her away because she couldn't prove it.
However not everyone is like this. You have to decide what will be right for you. How would you feel if your family didn't believe you? But would it be worth the feeling having came forward and let it all out. How would you tell them? Write it down on paper in several ways. And read them to yourself. Build up your courage and if that means talking to your brother about what happened , then do it. It takes a lot of strength to talk about it. So never feel ashamed. Because no matter what, it will always be the scum bag who did it to you who should feel ashamed.
However not everyone is like this. You have to decide what will be right for you. How would you feel if your family didn't believe you? But would it be worth the feeling having came forward and let it all out. How would you tell them? Write it down on paper in several ways. And read them to yourself. Build up your courage and if that means talking to your brother about what happened , then do it. It takes a lot of strength to talk about it. So never feel ashamed. Because no matter what, it will always be the scum bag who did it to you who should feel ashamed.
I'm sorry to hear that and wish you all the best in life, in particular studies.
Are your family fundamental/ religious? Perhaps the best thing to do is speak to a counsellor.
Are your family fundamental/ religious? Perhaps the best thing to do is speak to a counsellor.
i know its really hard, but speak to your brother. it'll be a MASSIVE relief telling someone in your family. and then you can even ask him to speak to your mum for you, or do it together. at the end of the day, you're your parent's daughter, and your mum will love you more than she loves her brother. your happiness is more important than a lot of things, and in a way, this will help your mum understand why you've been miserable and it'll explain your "rude" attitude to your uncle. If you tell your mum, it'll feel surreal at first, but just try and do it. it'll take a lot of courage, but will certainly be worth it. let the truth be known.
Original post by Anonymous
I have conducted a timeline of the instances that I was raped during my childhood (aged 4 to around 9) by my Mum's youngest brother.
I have remembered it all in little pieces over the course of my teenage years (I'm 19 years old now) suffered my first break down in 2009 (at sixth form).
I had counselling a couple of times, and I let it all out. By the end of 2009, I was no longer 'miserable' and I went about living my life. But over the past two years, it has continued to eat me up and I've had to suffer in secret and completely alone.
His wife has recently given birth to a baby boy, so for that reason, my parents have got into contact with him again. I was back from uni and they tried to make me visit him with them. I refused. My parents (especially my Mum) got really mad at me, and she was like "you're being rude. What has he ever done to you?" obviously I couldn't tell her.
When my family got back after seeing him and his new baby, they were all like "Uncle was asking about you!" I felt sick to my stomach and I cried myself to sleep that night (after a year of being in denial/indifferent). I hate him.
I'm back in uni now, and can't seem to stop thinking about what he's done to me. While he's probably have no trouble sleeping at night, it takes me hours to fall asleep, and I end up sleeping through my lectures.
I do and don't want to tell my parents that he raped me. On one hand, I'll have established some sort of "peace" because it won't eat me up as much but on the other, I'm horrified at the thought of putting my Mum through that. She loves him to bits and I know it will be difficult for her to understand and believe.
What should I do? How should I go about doing it? Should I write a letter to them?
I have contemplated telling my older brother first, and that way I'll have him on my side (he will believe me).
I am just incredibly embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. The very thought of 'revealing' it to my family scares me. I've been brought up in such a way that my siblings and I have never been allowed to discuss anything to do with the topic of sex, the word 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' has always been a complete no-no.
It will change my life, in a sense, if I reveal this to my family. I've always been viewed as the 'bad child' and for my parents, they'll finally understand why.
I would appriecaiate some advice from fellow Muslims.
Thanks
I have remembered it all in little pieces over the course of my teenage years (I'm 19 years old now) suffered my first break down in 2009 (at sixth form).
I had counselling a couple of times, and I let it all out. By the end of 2009, I was no longer 'miserable' and I went about living my life. But over the past two years, it has continued to eat me up and I've had to suffer in secret and completely alone.
His wife has recently given birth to a baby boy, so for that reason, my parents have got into contact with him again. I was back from uni and they tried to make me visit him with them. I refused. My parents (especially my Mum) got really mad at me, and she was like "you're being rude. What has he ever done to you?" obviously I couldn't tell her.
When my family got back after seeing him and his new baby, they were all like "Uncle was asking about you!" I felt sick to my stomach and I cried myself to sleep that night (after a year of being in denial/indifferent). I hate him.
I'm back in uni now, and can't seem to stop thinking about what he's done to me. While he's probably have no trouble sleeping at night, it takes me hours to fall asleep, and I end up sleeping through my lectures.
I do and don't want to tell my parents that he raped me. On one hand, I'll have established some sort of "peace" because it won't eat me up as much but on the other, I'm horrified at the thought of putting my Mum through that. She loves him to bits and I know it will be difficult for her to understand and believe.
What should I do? How should I go about doing it? Should I write a letter to them?
I have contemplated telling my older brother first, and that way I'll have him on my side (he will believe me).
I am just incredibly embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. The very thought of 'revealing' it to my family scares me. I've been brought up in such a way that my siblings and I have never been allowed to discuss anything to do with the topic of sex, the word 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' has always been a complete no-no.
It will change my life, in a sense, if I reveal this to my family. I've always been viewed as the 'bad child' and for my parents, they'll finally understand why.
I would appriecaiate some advice from fellow Muslims.
Thanks
salam
i dnt come a muslim family, but i can give you a few pointers.
aside from the impact this situation is having on your health, you need to tell your parents for a number of reasons. when the time comes to marry, some cultures are... a bit strange lets say... and your virginity may be cause a number of problems. it's important that your parents know about this because of the cultural implications it may lead to. I'm not aware of the nature of the sexual abuse you suffered from, but it may lead to a number of things. i'm sure you're aware of what I'm talking about.
there are some muslim helplines you can call, you can research the numbers on the internet for this.
i understand that it may scare you to tell your family, but it needs to be done. The situation is clearly affecting you, and you will find it hard to get peace of mind if you keep this to yourself.
i understand that you don't want to hurt your mum, but its important for her to know this, its a huge thing in your life and although she will find it hard to come to terms with at the start, the truth always has a way of getting out in the end.
if you want to talk some more, your free to pm me. I'll keep everything completely under wraps I promise
Original post by Anonymous
As for including 'Muslim' in the title - it's difficult to explain and I'm glad a few people have managed to articulate it for me. I know my parents won't disown me, per se, when I tell them of what happened, but it will change their 'perception' of me completely. I mean, if it was my daughter who came to me aged 20, and she told me that my brother (god forbid) raped her, it would change everything.
after I posted my first post, I read the other information and have tried my best to give you more advice.
How should I go about telling him? He's studying away from home too, so should I tell him over the phone (would probably be easier) or via email?
the negatives of telling your brother: he will become a lot more protective of you (its because he loves you), when you tell him firstly he might find it hard to get his head around, but judging from that incidence when you were followed home, he’ll have no problem believing.
The positives: You’ll have someone on your side when it comes to telling your parents, you’ll have someone to stick up for you if the situation came where you came face to face with your uncle again (your sisters wedding), sharing something will only make you more closer, the list is endless.
Can I suggest a possible method about how to tell your brother? You say he lives out at uni, so in a few weeks you could ask him to visit you and that its very important, and could he come asap. When he arrives, not straight away but after a few hours you could give him a letter about it, making sure in the letter he knows how you feel, and don’t hide any physical emotion on your face so he understands exactly how your feeling about it. Then tell him he’s free to ask any questions, make sure your open and honest with him. MOST IMPORTANTLY if he decides to do something rash, tell him to think about it for three days before acting on it.
Explain to him that you need someone to help tell your parents, and that you need to tell someone as you’ve held it in for so long. Explain also everything your feeling/have felt, that your scared, upset, scarred etc (I can’t imagine how your feeling)
I have an older sister who is getting married, and that's also another reason as to why I don't want to reveal it just yet. I don't want people to gossip about my family.
imo, I really don’t think anyone except your parents and your brothers need to know about this, not even your other siblings, you inshallah have a long life ahead of you, you don’t want them to know something this big about you for the rest of your life. If your from south eastern culture, then you’ll understand the problems that may arise if your sisters in-laws find out about this.
You don’t want this hanging over you, amongst your friends, it may be hard for you in social situations, and the dealing with the regret of not telling them is easier to live with than dealing with the regret of telling them.
My other fear is what if they ask me to describe what happened, i.e. all of the details? I'm dreading that part because it will be humiliating for me. I wish I could just say "he raped me - on more than one occasion" and be done with it. But I have a feeling that it's not going to be as easy as that. They're obviously going to want to know details. Dates, etc.
you should tell your parents (awkwardly, everything they want to know so that there is no misunderstanding), and let them make their choice about what they want to do about this situation.
Because of their standing in the community, they may say nothing to anyone, but if you and your brother decide that you want to take legal action, then inform them, but you don’t have to do as they say and ignore the situation, you should take legal action. I personally think you should report him in this way.
I truly believe your parents should know about this for so many reasons, the timing of course is entirely up to you. The worst thing about the situation realistically if you were shouted at because they wanted to take some of their anger out (about the situation) and you were there.
Sometimes I shift the blame from one person to the other. One day it will be solely my Mum's fault for always assuming that my uncle and I were 'best friends' which caused her to leave me with him. How can someone be so blind? Did she never find semen on my clothes, or see the signs?
its important for you to understand that this is NO ONE’S fault except your uncle’s. No mother wants their son to rape their granddaughter, and no woman wants her brother to rape her daughter. This whole situation is your uncle’s fault and that’s it.
Someone in this thread mentioned getting a therapist to talk to my family - I've been thinking about this a lot - sounds like a good idea.
you need someone who: you trust, understands your culture, understands your family, your parents will listen to, will not judge anyone (except your uncle obvs) in this situation. I think someone like this would be hard to find, maybe there are some knowledgeable ladies in the mosque (I’m a new muslim lol so I don’t really know what happens in the ladies section in a mosque)?
I honestly don't think I have the time or energy to see my uni's counsellor. I have too many assessment deadlines and I know the sessions will 'wear' me out (I cry a lot) so it will be disruptive.
My friend went to a counselor after being suicidal. She said it helped at the time, and she had these thoughts some time later and tried counseling again but she said that all the things they taught her she already knew, so it only helped the first time, but she said religion got her through the second round. As your muslim brother I recommend you to pray to Allah for strength and for the outcome that is best for you.
Again you are free to contact me, and I promise to deal with your questions with confidentiality.
What a piece of scum. He's no 'uncle' of yours. I seriously think you should speak to your brother about this. If he believes you, all the better, if he doesn't, don't let that discourage you. You also really need to tell your parents, not just for yourself but for your mum also. It's not right to keep her in the dark about her 'brother', you haven't done anything wrong. He must be banking on the fact that you're not gonna tell your parents ever, don't give him that reassurance. If you don't, then you'll always be viewed as the 'bad child' whilst he's gonna be misconstrued as the 'loving little brother' of your mother. You're really strong to have been able to cope this long, may Allah give you the strength to confess, sister.
Original post by int_applicant
OK, sorry, I really dont understand this post..
As in, he penetrated you when you were 4?....How would you know? sorry, I am just a little confused...what does a 4-year old pussy look like...or a second thought, I really dont want to know......but I would guess it would be very tiny........
I just cant comprehend this...sorry..and goodluck
As in, he penetrated you when you were 4?....How would you know? sorry, I am just a little confused...what does a 4-year old pussy look like...or a second thought, I really dont want to know......but I would guess it would be very tiny........
I just cant comprehend this...sorry..and goodluck
WTF is wrong with you?? Are you a paedophile or something? You should be reported you sick freak.
May allah inshallah punish whom that has caused pain. Tell you mum, if not for you , do it for the new born who may be in danger
, do it for all those other girls that have tortured in silence , tell your mum and talk to me if you want. I will treat this entirely confidental. May allah inshallah help you.
, do it for all those other girls that have tortured in silence , tell your mum and talk to me if you want. I will treat this entirely confidental. May allah inshallah help you.
Original post by BritPakistaniMuslimah
WTF is wrong with you?? Are you a paedophile or something? You should be reported you sick freak.
yo mamma..*******.....why dont you suck my dick..it is huge too so I dont think your mouth can fit....
Buy your brother a gun as a Eid present.....
At the end of the day you're innocent and you were raped, yeah?
And there is nothing anyone can do about the truth.
Sure, it's a hard thing for a parent to go through...but if my daughter was raped by my brother, I'd want to know.
Seriously, your uncle sounds like one sick freak and you've let him get away with it for long enough.
Tell them, get it off your chest and even report it to the police so that they can get some kind of restraining order on him.
And there is nothing anyone can do about the truth.
Sure, it's a hard thing for a parent to go through...but if my daughter was raped by my brother, I'd want to know.
Seriously, your uncle sounds like one sick freak and you've let him get away with it for long enough.
Tell them, get it off your chest and even report it to the police so that they can get some kind of restraining order on him.
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