Does it get any easier?

meathead1987

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years(and a week :smile:

) and before I came to Uni we were nearly always happy and were having a great time, yeah we argued occasionally, but who doesnt? And it was mostly about stupid stuff anyway.

Anyway, since I have been at uni(6 weeks now) she has become very jealous and controlling, we have talked endlessly about it and we both know that we want to stay together, because when we do spend time together(if I go home at the weekend) we have a really great time and never fall out at all! When I am back though, the green eyed monster takes over and there is nothing I can do about it.

If she called me for example, and I was in a room with any girls, if she heard them she would just hang up, and send me a nasty text. This is even though most of my female friends have long term boyfriends and/or I am not attracted to them in the slightest.

I suppose at the end of the day it is down to her own inner insecurity that she has turned out this way and has been like this, andone care to give me some ideas toboost her confidence? I already tell her how pretty and attractive she is whenI see her, and about how good she looks in general...body, eyes, smile. But she wil not accept it, which I also find very hard as she really really is gorgeous.

Any 2nd or 3rd(or any n E N) years out there who have gone through this? There must be someone. And does it get easier?

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Reply 1

elr_moran

When my boyfriend started at Uni, I couldn't help but get a little jealous. I admit it now, I was probably quite nasty- however, I never put the phone down on him and, as far as I'm aware, I never sent him any nasty texts. I would just cry, which was very wrong of me as it probably made him feel awful.

It's going to be tough on her- of course I'm going to try and see it from her point of view as well- but she can't really get away with being hurtful to you. You quite clearly love her very much, and it's not fair of her to send you nasty messages.

To be honest, you need to bring it up when you're together face to face. You say everything's perfect when you see her, but if it's this bad then you need to discuss it when you are together and everything's fantastic. I know it might spoil things, but talking is the key thing here, and just explain that she's hurting you with her messages and the fact that she hangs up on you. If I did that to my boyfriend I would immediately phone back in tears begging him to forgive me- sad, I know, but I would regret it as soon as I did it.

People have arguments, but you need to get this sorted now because obviously it's going to last a few years. I take it she's a year younger than you?

Reply 2

meathead1987

That is very wierd...

I forgot to mention that she does exactly that. She does it, thinks about what she has said/done then she calls me up a few hrs later telling me that she is sorry, and that she is a crap girlfriend(she isnt). I will always reassure her, and tell her that if she knows what she is doing is wrong, then why does she do it? She just says she can't help it and is sorry.

I am going home this weekend and see how things go. I'l try to slip something in about it then as next weekend is her 18th, and I really dont want to bugger that up, not after what I have got her as a present(she may read the forum sometime and the present is a surprise, so I am not gonna post what it is, PM if you want to know).

Also, she is a year younger than me, but hopefully she will be coming to the same uni as me next year, but if not I sure hope this will stop!

And thanks :smile:

Reply 3

mousey

My boyfriend and i have just started at separate universities 150 miles away from eachother. It's not easy. The thing that makes it so much easier is that he has completely reassured me that a relationship is what he wants, and he wants to try and make the relationship work. If you stress that you're completely dedicated to the relationship to her it might help. Also has she met these girls she's jealous of? I had visions of my boyfriend being surrounded by intelligent, gorgeous women, who naturally at the moment he's spending a lot more time with than me. I would never get angry or hang up the phone or anything, but if i knew he had been watching a film with a girl in her room i would feel a little bit jealous. I've been up to visit him a few times now, and i feel that not only can i trust my boyfriend around these girls, i can trust the girls also. It really does make a lot of difference to know that noone is trying to pull your boyfriend while you're not there. I got on witht he girls really well and when i met them my mind was put at ease as i could see they weren't really his type.

So, in short, my advice is, reassure your girlfriend about your commitment levels, she will just be scared that you will leave her for these girls, and maybe invite her up to meet them. xx

Reply 4

meathead1987

Well, she has been up for the week(half term) but she was already very jealous of the girls and stayed in my room most of the time, she didnt really like to go out and talk to anyone except a couple of my best guy friends. With her insecurity also, she thinks that I will leave her for one of these girls who is "better looking than her" but she can't understand that I dont look at other girls like that anymore. Dang this is frustrating :smile:

I suppose I have kind of assumed that she knows that she is what I want, and this relationship is what I want(after 2yrs)maybe I should actually tell her that explicitally.

Reply 5

mousey

Yeah i definitely think you should tell her that. :smile:

I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years, but i still need to know that the relationship is what he wants. Staying in a relationship is hard at uni, and your girlfriend at home will probably think that uni is like the stereotype, full of sex and easy girls, when in fact, it's not as much like that as people would think. Try and be patient with her, she will feel left behind and threatened by the new women in your life, it's only natural. However, at the same time, she'snot dealing with it very well, hanging up the phone on you and sending nasty texts really isn't necessary or helpful in any way. xx

Reply 6

meathead1987

Thanks a lot both of you, tbh she probably does think it's like that and I'm sure in some places it is, but it certainly isn't here. I'll let u know how it goes over the weekend and if I still have any unanswered problems :smile:

Reply 7

shinyhappy

Hi. I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. He's a couple of years older than me, and in his second year at uni. I'm in upper sixth, so I guess I'm sort of in the position your girlfriend is. Although it's always been a distance thing for me, so not identical. But still, I can understand how she is feeling. I sometimes feel the same, but it does get easier with time :smile:

You've got new, exciting things happening, so she (like me) probably feels a bit jealous and left out sometimes.
My boyfriend is on a male dominated course, and is actually quite shy, so if I'm honest with myself, I know that he isn't likely to really be hanging round with girls much, and certainly not trying to pull them! Despite this, I do sometimes get a bit possesive and jealous (maybe its a girl thing eh?) I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you let it get between you and your gf, it will only cause more trouble! Just make sure that during your holidays (which for most courses is nearly 5 months every year!) you spend lots of time together, and you talk about them, plan what you're going to do, to make her feel like she's got your full attention! If she really doesn't trust you around other girls, don't stop hanging round with them - just don't keep bringing up female friends when you're talking to your gf! mentioning them lots would make any girl a bit envious!
Hope my (rather long, rambling) experience is of some help to you! from personal experience, it really does get easier with time, so just stick it out! :biggrin:

Reply 8

auzzie@heart

coming from a girl who NEVER accepts that she's good looking someone saying it doesn't work, show her. surprise her out of the blue and show her lots of attention that sorta stuff. flowers kinda work but not big fussy ones just one little rose or something with a note sayin missing u.

Reply 9

sloosh

i have a similar problem in that my boyfriend of a year moved to uni in glasgow (i live in the midlands) this year. he lives in halls, and in his 'flat' there is him, his best friend who i know damn well would cover for him, and seven girls. At first it was difficult because i didn't know any of the girls and i was having trouble working out how it would be, how the relationship would work, and i did get very jealous for a week or so even though i absolutely knew that nothing would ever happen.

the very first time that i went up for the weekend and met all the girls, everything was fine. has she been up to see you? it makes it easier once it's part of your sphere of knowledge as it were, and you can assimilate it into your mind. also i knew that all the girls had met me and were well aware that i existed etc. One girl sleeps next to a different kitchen and has slept in my boyfriend's room on the floor a couple of times because she can't sleep due to the noise, and i wasn't very happy with that but at the same time understood. You have to talk to your girlfriend and explain your feelings and make sure you know what she is and isn't comfortable with.

after that i felt a lot better, and since then he has made a real effort to see me every weekend whether i stay with him or he comes home. he once turned up a day early to surprise me because he had study week, and it's things like that that make me know he's really committed.

Hope some of that rather rambling speech helps. It can work, i promise.

Reply 10

CherryGarcia

you know, I have distance relationship for 2 year and I have to accept I behave the same, I am very jelaous, thouht I know it is totaly unneeded and kind of stupid of me. But I just cant help it, and I am really really grateful to my strong BF, that when I have this madness he always calms me down and never gives up at me, such a mad freak. We just know, that I can be insecure for some reason...and I cant help it..and we know that when we are together we never fight and life together is like heaven...But id like to teach myself not to be like this, coz I love my Bf and dont want to give him this problems =(

Reply 11

meathead1987

CherryGarcia

That sounds exactly like my situation, although at the weekend I did talk to her abot, for hours actually and we got a lot sorted. I told her that I loved her, and that she is the one I want to be with, and I would not do anything stupid to mess things up. I do not drink either, so that totaly eliminates the prospect of me getting drunk and pulling someone.

She told me that she is sorry and got quite upset about it but she can't help the way she feels about herself. To which I replied tht I am always here for her to talk to if she misses me/gets jealous. I dont mind talking about it, nt at all, bt its the arguments I hate.

We still had a great weekend! And the past 3 days have gone really nicely too, so things are definately looking up!

--------------

sloosh

My girlfriend would kill me if that happened :smile:

Reply 12

lovelee-jublee

I'm going to be in a similar situation, but this time it will be the other way round...I'm going to be going to Uni, but my boyfriend doesn't want me to leave him. He says it's not me he doesn't trust, but the people who I'll be with. For this reason he doesn't want me to go in halls, but to get a flat with him instead. I don't want to get a flat straightaway, as I want to make new friends etc., but then if I'm away from him I'll start feeling like he does...I'll be anxious of what he's getting upto when I'm not there, and if he forgets about me etc. We've been together for 2 and a half years so really this should not be a problem, but it's going to be one, and probably a big one. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to lose him, but I want to go in halls for my first year.

Relationships are so difficult!!!

Reply 13

twinkledust

i think one of the hardest things your gf will find is she cannot contemplate what uni is really like not being there herself. Uni is so different from my perception and i would have struggled to understand if i had a bf who was tat uni and i wasnt. My bf is at uni as am i and it's going perfect. We speak all the time, see each other and we are growing closer together. We do have silly little arguements but only because it is so hard being away from one another. I think you need to just give here more time to get used to it. But the way she is acting will eventually push you away whether you want it to or not.

Reply 14

mousey

Glad to hear everything is working out meathead1987. xx

Reply 15

fruitcake

im facing the same kindof problem... im starting to worry already about what will happen if we're at different unis, we'll be finding out within the next few months where we'll be going and im so so scared it wont work out. what botheres me is that he doesnt seem to be worried at all. it makes me feel bad as i dont know why i cant just trust that we'll be together whatever happens. i suppose i worry mainly about the kindof "threats" at uni i.e new ppl (girls obviously), worying he'll find someone better than me etc... i cant seem to stop worrying about it and it just makes him angry that i dont seem to trust him.
do you all reckon relationships can last even if the two ppl are at different universities? we've already survived our first year together in different countries and yet somehow i just cant deal with the idea anymore!
any suggestions? or people who have been in the same situation etc?

Reply 16

meathead1987

To all the girls that have replied to this thread, if your boyfriends are anything like me you have nothing to worry about with them being far away. There is such a stereotype of all the girls at uni being easy and getting laid, but think abot yourselves, are you like that? I'm guessing since yor in long term relationships that the answer to that it NO. I was surprised how many people had partners when I got here, I'd say a good 25%.

Just try yor hardest not to be jealous because it makes things worse, it is tough, I'm not gonna lie but if you've been together a long time and you love eachother enough, it will work!

Hmmm...looks like I have become the "teacher" and not the "taught" :smile:

And mousy, thanks a lot, I'm glad I took your advice, and everyone else in this situation should too, it worked for me :smile:

Reply 17

lovelee-jublee

meathead1987

And mousy, thanks a lot, I'm glad I took your advice, and everyone else in this situation should too, it worked for me :smile:

It's things people post like this that I need to show my boyfriend, so he can see that there are sensible people out there, and not everyone at Uni goes out getting slashed and having drunken nights! Maybe after he reads this he'll be able to trust me more.

Thanks meathead1987! :smile:

Reply 18

zooropa

Life doesn't get any easier. Life is hard. That's the way it is.