I was reading another post similar to this and it spawned this response which became so long and complex I decided to repost it in this thread to see if it would get a response.
As stated in the title my boyfriend and admit that we don't love each other and are more like really good friends that care about one another. For the record we've been together...almost 2 years, within a few days actually. Also I'm 22 years old while he is 30...despite our age difference we get along fine in our attitudes towards life and interests, I've always gotten along better with people that were older than me vs my closer in age peer group.
My boyfriend and I are honest with each other that we don't really love each other, but definitely enjoy each other's company. As he puts it, "we're friends that can get naked together." I pretty much agree with that, although I'd never consider myself to be a "friends with benefits" type of girl. I care for him a lot and he does in turn, but neither of us really love's one another. Both of us have wondered what love really is. I mean we all know that what's on TV is fake, and overzealous but is there any truth to it or is it all just lust. We did the lust thing initially and are definitely over it. I question if "romance" is a real thing or just cinematic.
I do wonder if there should be something more than just friendship. I myself have not had a lot of experience in this department. I have had one prior long distance relationship (we got to meet about 4 times in person) and my current relationship. He on the other hand has had primarily bad experiences in the few relationships he's been in. Neither of us really know what to identify as love; it boggles us equally.
The previous relationship that I was in was my first and I wonder if it was just puppy love or if a relationship is supposed to be more like that. My last boyfriend was very affectionate and pretty much wore his heart on his sleeve. He's actually the polar opposite of my current boyfriend. I don't really like comparing them because they are so different but it's hard not to when they are my only two experiences, and both long term at that.
As I said my current boyfriend is the opposite in almost every way. He’s not emotional in the least…I don’t think I’ve ever seen him upset (sad or angry…though I have seen irritated). I would say it’s not far out of the way to say he lacks compassion in general; though he is a good man he seems to be lacking in that department. It makes me wonder if he’s capable of loving someone. Can you love someone without compassion? Have passion without compassion? Which brings me to the three little words that people put so much stress on…I love you.
Though both of us say it I’m sometimes not sure why we do. For me when I say it I’m usually feeling something akin to happiness/mirth/contentment after he’s done something nice/funny or when we’re snuggling and I feel content. In his case the words “I love you” have absolutely no meaning to him at all. Saying them means nothing whatsoever…so even when he says them in response to my saying it, it is basically irrelevant since I know it is just an auto-response. And no he never says it without prompting; why would he if he doesn not feel the desire to do so and does not attach any meaning to it to begin with?
He says that he might have begun to love me early on in our relationship and I at least know I was infatuated, but neither of us knows that feeling anymore. I found that the more I recognized that there really wasn’t a love relationship between us or maybe even a lack of potential for it I’ve become more reserved and less “in love” if you will hence my original statement that neither of us loves each other. I think I care for him more than he does for me, but I think the reason I question if this really is a relationship worth being in is because I have experienced being head over heels in love before and this relationship lacks that passion.
I guess my biggest question is whether or not love has passion and intimate moments as well as friendship? I remember passion/intimacy and possibly love in my former relationship, but I do wonder if that was just infatuation and what first love is like (keep in mind that this wasn’t teenage puppy love between high-school kids…I was 19 (more mature than my age so I've been told)and my ex was 30 when we finally broke it off…a difference of life desires/stage in life for the most part). Part of me wonders if we’re just settling and fooling ourselves when there may be something better for both of us out there; we’ve even questioned this to each other. It’s almost like it’s convenient and too much of a hassle to look for someone else instead. This brings me to another point.
Both of us aren’t very social people…gamers if you know the type…we’re it. As a result it’s hard to find people who are willing to date out of shape gamers. For the record I’m 180lbs somewhat evenly distributed over a whopping 5’1’’ (yeah I know shorty) so I know I’m not the hottest thing on the market lol. He originally found me attractive when I was around 150lbs, but doesn’t anymore…understandably. I do find him attractive…he said he’s gained some weight but I don’t really noticed that much of a difference but I don’t put as much emphasis on looks so /shrug. I also have a lot of health problems via genetics, injuries, etc. and despite it he’s still here. That says something to me about how much he cares even if he doesn’t love me despite all the troubles my health has caused (including losing my last job which has caused financial upheaval as we live together). On top of that I’ve cause him some health problems due to some various accidents (I’m prone to them >_>…not going to go into the details on that one). Despite these numerous things and not loving me as he says he’s still here and makes me wonder why. And this brings to me back to his personality and wondering if we’re both settling.
For a long time I’ve learn to accept various things about his personality. I found not long after we started dating that though he said maybe on kids he didn’t want them, and now I know he HATES them with a passion and will never want them. This bothered me originally, but I put it to the side because I didn’t want them yet anyway. At this point I don’t think I even want them, mostly due to my own health problems (I don’t want to risk passing them on), kids I’ve interacted with (most parents I talk to wish they didn’t have them), and the expense of them (over 3K for prenatal care with insurance! O_O WTF!)…so that’s not really a problem anymore. It's the lack of intimacy that bothers me the most about us.
The thing that bothers me the most and leaves me feeling unsatisfied is that I WANT to be loved. I have been held tenderly and miss that feeling of warmth and security and I’m not sure if he can ever give me that. I’ll delve deeper into his personality. He likes cuddling, you can guess why, and me giving him backrubs (which may rate higher than sex...this is elaborated further down). He’s okay with hugs but hates kissing…it’s like a chore basically unless sex is involved…as it doesn’t mean anything to him or feel nice. Do most men not like kissing? Is kissing just a girl thing and only a prelude to sex for men? Honest question I have no idea? O_o I figure most men hate chick-flicks…though instead of sitting through them and indulging he’ll outright make fun and ruin them (meaning I make sure he’s not around when I watch them). Onto other aspects of his personality.
My boyfriend HATES MOST WOMEN...most lesbians seem to be the exception if their guy-like. Me he thinks he go lucky because I'm somwhat guy-like but I'm bi-sexual. Unlike most guys who will roll over and put up with the emotional baggage and selfishness of most women he WON’T. He considers me the most rational of women he’s met to date; despite my carelessness due to lack of awareness (as he says) which has gotten him injured more than once . So I’m basically the most tolerable (he’s never used the word tolerable that’s mine) personality in a female he’s ever been around. I tend to AVOID situations he wouldn’t like on purpose…some examples are: NOT asking/expecting him to do something or go somewhere I know he probably wouldn’t like, crying randomly/getting emotional around him, getting mad at him for things like not putting the lid down on the toilet or silly stuff like that, buying me stuff because I want him to, etc. Most of these things I find stupid but a lot of women I talk to find important or seem to expect their men to bend to their every whim. Because I am not like that I am tolerable. This also makes me wonder sometimes if I am the ONLY woman for him lol. O_o He’s said that all he wants from a relationship is someone to hang out with and have sex with. He doesn’t want anything deeper than that which makes me question the capability of love. I also wonder if love/passion can be present without good sex.
*****EXPLICIT CONTENT WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SQUIMISH ON DISCUSSING SEX OR ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR DECISION TO READ THIS!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOUR MOMMY & DADDY BETTER NOT COME HASSLING ME THAT YOU READ THIS! I REPEAT DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE UNDER 18*****
We haven’t had good sex since we first started dating mostly due to my increase in weight and then because he was injured. He’s kind of getting better slowly but still is injured so he can’t do much and with my weight I can’t be on top. I’m working on my weight and he’s trying to find ways to heal himself without insurance. The two problems I can’t change though are mouth to penis size ratio and his need for friction to get off. I can’t suck on him the way he wants because I have a small mouth and he’s pretty wide. I end up gagging and my jaw starts hurting way early on so I can’t do it for very long. On top of that only major suction is stimulating for him. No light teeth or tip stimulation. Basically just massive suction + deep-throat which I can’t really do with such a small mouth. The number of attempts of which I can’t remember have resulted in him getting off only TWICE…once in my mouth a bloody miracle that hasn’t been repeated and once with him finishing by hand after my blow job. ~_~ I can’t seem to do the hand job he needs for my life and for intercourse a condom takes away the friction he needs…and eventually my natural juices do too. Also because I don’t use birth control (clashes with a medication and makes it ineffective) and he doesn’t use condoms he ALWAYS has to cum via his own hand job at the end…it’s been like this from the start.
*****EXPLICIT CONTENT ENDS*****
Basically our sex life sucks and has for a long long time…remember I said we’ve been together for almost 2 years. Most of the time neither of us even wants it…because it usually results in pain (on both our parts) or disappointment. Of the two things he wanted he’s not really getting one.
He’s said that if our relationship fails he probably won’t date for a long time again if ever because of how many bad relationships he’s had…most of his girlfriends prior were out to lunch. Ours is kind of included in this because of the injuries I have caused. Plainly put I'm a walking hazard zone and he's been in the crossfire. I do wonder if that is also part of it…he’s even said that he thinks that part of him still resents me for the injuries that I have caused…some of which are still present. He’s even said he probably won’t live a long life at this rate. It’s seems like he’s always feels sick since he was originally injured…he’s had bags under his eyes for at least a year now, occasionally mentioning it. This may also be from lack of sleep because he doesn’t seem to sleep well next to someone…and I’m a thrasher in my sleep as well as a light sleeper. These things are hard to live with…and deepest regrets that I have…usually a constant reminder whether mentioned by him in general or because he’s tired/hurting. If I had a time machine I would take back the events that made him ill/injured but I can’t. This also comes back into me wondering is a loveless relationship what I deserve…I reap what I sow? I’ve asked sometimes why he hasn’t left despite these things and he’s said, “That it seems like all the damage/havoc that has been wrecked would be for naught…I’ve stuck around for this long haven’t I?” At the same time he says he may not live past another 5-10 years at this rate.
Is this a relationship of convenience like I think it is and is that okay or healthy? Are we damaging to one another? Is friendship enough? Would we be happier with other people and being friends instead? With how damaged I am, is this all I deserve? Would I even be able to find someone who would “love me,” despite my numerous faults? If we aren’t together will he be alone as a result considering how he dislikes most women, he doesn't deserve to be alone. Because of my own changes in health and my injuries to him…did that ruin our relationship permanently for any chance of love/romance? Did I kill “us?” Will I continue to hurt injur him in the future? Will I actually shorten his life just by being around him? All of these questions plague my mind constantly. We have our moments of happiness and enjoying each other’s company…but is that enough or even worth the price?