[sentiment]

(Original post by Antiaris)
I personally went to get help in December 2010. I got to see a mental health nurse in May. I began psychotherapy in August 2011.

Honestly push as much as you can. I would have become a lot worse if my family and I didn't research treatments in the meantime.

I fought, I tried and I pushed myself further psychologically than I ever have before. Treatment from the NHS is good, but you need to begin getting better in yourself first. Nobody else can make you get better, you've got to decide in yourself to get better. Meditate, speak with your inner self. Believe in yourself strongly enough so that you CAN get better.

I wish I could say that I wanted to get better, but the honest to God truth is, I don't. I wonder how long it will take me to reach that stage.

[Anonymous]

Be strong everyone

Probably Triggery...

Spoiler:

Show

I'm meant to be recovered. But I feel so fat. When will I stop gaining weight? I'm at a healthy weight now but I don't want to gain anymore..

[Antiaris]

(Original post by sentiment)
I wish I could say that I wanted to get better, but the honest to God truth is, I don't. I wonder how long it will take me to reach that stage.

It happened to me when my Mum broke into tears in front of the therapist.

I admit, saying you want to do it and actually WANTING to do it are very different things. I can't make you want to, you just need to want to live, for yourself or for others because otherwise you WILL die from this wretched thing. Sentiment, we don't want you to die.

People don't want to see you ill.

You are lovely and amazing, remember that. Live for that. Live to let out the amazing in you.

[sentiment]

(Original post by Antiaris)
It happened to me when my Mum broke into tears in front of the therapist.

I admit, saying you want to do it and actually WANTING to do it are very different things. I can't make you want to, you just need to want to live, for yourself or for others because otherwise you WILL die from this wretched thing. Sentiment, we don't want you to die.

People don't want to see you ill.

You are lovely and amazing, remember that. Live for that. Live to let out the amazing in you.

You are clearly a wonderful, wonderful person. I wish I knew how to express that better.

[sophiemay20]

(Original post by briesandwich)
There is always a way out. Always. Otherwise no one would ever recover, and loads of people have recovered from an eating disorder. There's hope for us yet!

Basically, a 3 month wait is pretty standard for psychotherapy sessions, but that's not to say it's a good thing. When my doctor said something like this to me, my Dad dragged me to the doctor and said his side of the story - the therapy came a lot quicker then. If anyone else knows about your ED, get them to come with you for an appointment and hopefully your therapy will be brought forward.

Until then, get all the support you can from the people around you, whether it's teachers, friends, family, pets.. whoever! Everyone on this thread is here to listen to what's on your mind. Oh, and don't forget www.b-eat.co.uk - when I was in a crisis I emailed them and got a reply fairly quickly. Please look after yourself, you deserve a lot better than this, I promise.

You are so lovely

He said the reason why it's going to take so long is because the psychotherapist in my area has just retired and isn't being replaced until January. And it's not just me that needs help, I'm sure that there's a lot of other people in the exact same position. He said he'll do his best to ring around for other services though and he said he wants to see me once a week so he can keep an eye on me.

It just freaks me out that I'm stuck in this cycle that I have no control of and have to wait a while for proper help. Because I can't do it on my own.. I'm trying but this ED wins over me every single day because I'm too weak and pathetic to fight it. I feel like I'm losing everything and I can't take it any more.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I've recovered from an eating disorder I had two years back, (I couldn't eat food for a while and wouldn't feel hungry). I'm back to normal body weight, got a curvy figure, eat food as normal and am generally quite confident...

..But for some reason, when I'm feeling slightly stressed, I find it hard to a bit hard to in restaurants. I feel a bit sickly and no matter how hungry I felt before, I no longer feel so hungry after ordering the food so I end up not eating so much. It wouldn't be that much of a problem because when I get home I eat again as normal, but this is wasting a lot of my money and some help would be appreciated.

[sentiment]

I spend a lot of time reading food menus online...and thinking about cooking hahah. It's pathetic.

[Riku]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, I've recovered from an eating disorder I had two years back, (I couldn't eat food for a while and wouldn't feel hungry). I'm back to normal body weight, got a curvy figure, eat food as normal and am generally quite confident...

..But for some reason, when I'm feeling slightly stressed, I find it hard to a bit hard to in restaurants. I feel a bit sickly and no matter how hungry I felt before, I no longer feel so hungry after ordering the food so I end up not eating so much. It wouldn't be that much of a problem because when I get home I eat again as normal, but this is wasting a lot of my money and some help would be appreciated.

This does suck, the amount of times I've said "I'm ready for that big bowl of pasta!" or "Let's try the cake!" only to enter a full-blown panic attack mouthful by mouthful...it'll get better, I promise.
It's normal for even an outgoing foodie to feel a little self-conscious eating in a restaurant alone, so to add the lingering insecurity of a previous ED is one heck of a burden. All the same, it is also your right to eat there-you paid for the meal, so it's yours for the taking and no-one else can or should question that. Ask yourself: what is it in particular about eating out that you don't like? Is it the lack of control (not knowing what food you'll have, whether it'll be cooked in a safe fashion for you or the portions will be too big and so on) or is it more a feeling of vulnerability, maybe of being watched and judged? Because I can assure you, no-one's going to poison you and no-one is judging you or even watching you eat. If we were to put this from a selfish perspective, most other customers won't even notice you being there, they'll be that preoccupied with their own meal! ? I find that company makes the difference for me between a meal being pleasurable and memorable or a nightmare scenario where anything could happen.Would it help to start going with friends or family you trust first?

(Original post by sentiment)
I spend a lot of time reading food menus online...and thinking about cooking hahah. It's pathetic.

It's not pathetic in the slightest-I bet most of us here have done this, me being no exception-but it is a sign of this growing more obsessive. Reading menus in particular is equivalent to eating only with the "safe food" list; it creates short-term security but further reinforces the threat of the unknown in the long-term. It requires incredible courage, but you may find the best dish you have is one served blindfolded!

[Riku]

Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters

[sophiemay20]

Doctors tomorrow (I have to go to see him weekly), I'm feeling a tad anxious and I don't know why. Btw, has anyone here not told their parents/family about their ED's? I just can't get myself to at all.. they'll never understand.

(Original post by Riku)
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters

Not sure if I've spoken to you before but oh goodness, I think a break may do you good.. focus on your work. Good luck at the doctors and take good care of yourself (and please don't do anything too rational). I'll be thinking of you x

[sentiment]

(Original post by Riku)
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters

We'll all be thinking of you, Riku!

[cloppy]

(Original post by Riku)
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters

Riku, I don't really know what to say (lordy knows I can't articulate myself as eloquently as you), I just hope you know how fab you are and how much you've helped people on here. But you're right, it's time to focus on yourself. I just wish you all the luck in the world, you special saucepan you!

And please PLEASE (to the power of 10) get help for the SI and suicidal thoughts. I've honestly been in that place and it was pretty much the end of the line and the most horrific thing I've ever done. I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but you WILL one day see things differently and you'll wish so badly that you asked for help sooner. Honestly sweetheart. Don't end up like me with permanent and obvious scars and a black mark on my records forever (cue violin!). My troubles escalated due to insommnia too, so get the doc to prescribe you sleeping tablets. INSIST! It might make a difference. I think you're on the right track anyway, just got to be brave now lambkin!

hugz and lovez XO

[diamonddust]

(Original post by Riku)
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters

Love you Riku! Hope you know how much of a help you've been and I really really hope you get some help and feel better soon. You need to focus on yourself and get yourself as well and mentally and physically healthy as possible.

(Original post by sophiemay20)
Doctors tomorrow (I have to go to see him weekly), I'm feeling a tad anxious and I don't know why. Btw, has anyone here not told their parents/family about their ED's? I just can't get myself to at all.. they'll never understand.



Not sure if I've spoken to you before but oh goodness, I think a break may do you good.. focus on your work. Good luck at the doctors and take good care of yourself (and please don't do anything too rational). I'll be thinking of you x

Most of my family know but they don't really understand anything about it. I never *told* them that I had an ED, my mum was the one who told me that I had anorexia before my doctors even realised and the rest of my family found out when I was admitted. Them knowing makes things worse because they're so patronising and triggering. I thought being at uni would help make things better but... no such luck.

[Cinamon]

(Original post by Riku)
.

(Original post by diamonddust)
.

You guys are amazing


-------------------

Grrr I can't just have a bit of sweet things, has to be all of it Will get the balance right someday....

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by diamonddust)
I thought being at uni would help make things better but... no such luck.

Is someone in your halls being horrid to you, or because no ones there to go 'Oi, DD, get some food in the orifice in the front of your face' your not.

[diamonddust]

(Original post by Cinamon)


You guys are amazing



Hmmm...

-------------------

Grrr I can't just have a bit of sweet things, has to be all of it Will get the balance right someday....

Ditto! Someday soon hopefully.

YOU'RE amazing missy!
I am very far (I almost typed **t there! I've decided it's a swearword and I won't say it anymore... But what a Freudian slip!) from amazing, unfortunately. But thank you.

(Original post by .snowflake.)
Is someone in your halls being horrid to you, or because no ones there to go 'Oi, DD, get some food in the orifice in the front of your face' your not.

Nah, no-one's being horrible to me! I wouldn't let them haha
It's the latter! Though when you say it like that it's kind of hilarious! I don't think my NOT eating is the issue right now though, it's more the opposite. My body must be so confused....

Hope you're ok Snowy?

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by diamonddust)
It's the latter! Though when you say it like that it's kind of hilarious! I don't think my NOT eating is the issue right now though, it's more the opposite. My body must be so confused....

Hope you're ok Snowy?

I'm fine pet. Stressed, but eating - everything atm. I want my flipping UCAS form to go, and this german homework to disappear. 9 questions, I've written nigh on 1200 words in german in the past 2 days.

[diamonddust]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
I'm fine pet. Stressed, but eating - everything atm. I want my flipping UCAS form to go, and this german homework to disappear. 9 questions, I've written nigh on 1200 words in german in the past 2 days.

Ly xxx

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by diamonddust)
Ly xxx

ily2. -shnuggles-.

[Riku]

Spoiler:

Show

Admitted myself to NHS walk-in centre after another panic attack from having beans on jacket and banana last night. Ended up with another ECG being taken: blood pressure 127/59 (systolic dramaticall raised due to anxiety, usually about 100), HR 58.
Diagnosis: Sinus bradycardia with sinus arrythmia (hence slow arrythmic pulse), possible left atrial enlargement, left axis deviation, right Bundle Branch Block. Abnormal ECG but normal variant. Can also assume my cholesterol's fine too. So in short, all clear. Awaiting doctor's approval on Monday, will let you know how that goes.
In the meantime I've just returned from a very indulging but relaxing and enjoyable meal with my nan and grandad. For one night at least, the rulebook's been thrown out and I could eat to my heart's content and laugh some stress off in good loving company.
Next step is to control this insomnia and difficulty overcoming exercise phobia. It's an ongoing struggle especially considering these constant palps and twinges in my chest freaking me out even after a medical check-up just 24 hours ago, but I'm sure it'll get better in the end.
Thinking of you all.