Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Original post by hannahhaworth
Yesterday I had:
I hate to be a pain, but is there any chance you can spoiler that? I've found it really triggering.
Original post by briesandwich
I hate to be a pain, but is there any chance you can spoiler that? I've found it really triggering.
Sorry! I don't know how
Okay I've done it now. Sorry I didn't think 
Original post by hannahhaworth
I'm exactly the same. My dad has never really understood, and hasn't even been aware that it's been consistently going on since I was 11, he thinks it was a phase and I've grown out of it now. If I don't want dinner he takes it so personally and then rants on and on about how he's been slaving away over a hot stove etc etc etc. even if I've specifically told him I don't want him to cook for me
It is really hard. Most times I really enjoy dinner and have even gone for seconds sometimes, but the past year it's been the idea of having to clear a takeaway-sized portion. It's just that obligation and guilt, it makes me fearful to have something "unsafe" because I'll feel terrible for putting it down halfway. If I had the security of knowing it was my choice how much to have, I think my appetite would be a lot healthier and greater even.
On top of that my dad's side of the family are all slightly overweight (although used to be unhealthily obese) and some have had heart attacks, strokes and seizures (for example, my nan now has a stent). Somewhere along the line I decided to inexorably link the two and consider myself and immediate family at risk, which has only further skewed my body image and concept of a healthy diet.
Spoiler
:consoles:
Original post by Riku
It is really hard. Most times I really enjoy dinner and have even gone for seconds sometimes, but the past year it's been the idea of having to clear a takeaway-sized portion. It's just that obligation and guilt, it makes me fearful to have something "unsafe" because I'll feel terrible for putting it down halfway. If I had the security of knowing it was my choice how much to have, I think my appetite would be a lot healthier and greater even.
On top of that my dad's side of the family are all slightly overweight (although used to be unhealthily obese) and some have had heart attacks, strokes and seizures (for example, my nan now has a stent). Somewhere along the line I decided to inexorably link the two and consider myself and immediate family at risk, which has only further skewed my body image and concept of a healthy diet.
:consoles:
On top of that my dad's side of the family are all slightly overweight (although used to be unhealthily obese) and some have had heart attacks, strokes and seizures (for example, my nan now has a stent). Somewhere along the line I decided to inexorably link the two and consider myself and immediate family at risk, which has only further skewed my body image and concept of a healthy diet.
Spoiler
:consoles:
I completely agree, the prospect of HAVING to eat things really really doesn't help me feel better about doing so, even if I didn't want to anyway, if that makes any sense?!
Spoiler
Original post by Cinamon
Gained 5 3/4 lb in a week. It feels rather scary and has now turned into binging and purging.
Spoiler
Thought i'd reply to tell you I understand i'm going through the same thing, I was doing really well with eating healthily but it seems like saying ''you can eat what you want'' to myself has just backfired because i can't, not without binging. Today I had a falafal pita bread for lunch... good start, then i had a handful of nuts which made me decide i'd failed and made me binge! I hate my bloody brain - why does it do this it's so frustrating!?
The easier thing would be to go back to restricting, but no, fight on I'm going to try to. If you restrict again you'll be back in that viscious circle again and no doubt you'll end up in the same place you are now if you ever decide to get better from that. you may aswell just fight now!
I love you, stay strong
xxxx
Original post by hannahhaworth
I completely agree, the prospect of HAVING to eat things really really doesn't help me feel better about doing so, even if I didn't want to anyway, if that makes any sense?!
Spoiler
I think, this is the main thing; it does count for you. You're just as good as anyone else and have the right to entreat yourself to the same or a similar level of nourishment-from the other side of the coin, what makes you so special that the laws of human biology, thermodynamics and metabolism don't apply to you alone? Sometimes our EDs try to delude us into believing we're beyond or above the social norm. We're all unique, but that difference doesn't make us any worse or any better than anyone else.
I just passed a guy in the street striding along carefree, collected and calm as he munched absent-mindedly on a sausage roll. This time last year that sight would've elated me with a smug sense of self-superiority, but now...? Damn, I want to be be that guy.
Also, in practice I've learnt that whether you've binged or not is down to two things:
a) Whether you were physically or emotionally hungry
b) Whether you actually wanted to eat what you had
but I'm sure someone else will have more detail on this.
On a side note, I've become terrified of mayo. Tuna sandwich has gone from bogstandard lunch to the devil's work. It's not even a calories/fat thing; I've managed to convince myself that it was mayonnaise-all the excess vegetable oils, healthy monos aside-that gave me my partial heart block. Yet butter's still a no-go except as a last resort.
It's freaking scary and the doctor won't let me trouble my little mind with it : /
Original post by briesandwich
I love caloriecount! I don't have an active account but I browse the forums and there are some really strong people on there. 
It's the only place concerning ED recovery I really trust (apart from this thread 
). It's so easy to bump into something pro-ED on the internet - even on unrelated websites. It breaks my heart.
It's the only place concerning ED recovery I really trust (apart from this thread ). It's so easy to bump into something pro-ED on the internet - even on unrelated websites. It breaks my heart.Calorie count is amazing!
I think the real problem most of us face is trying to find some semblance of "normality". Realising what "real" hunger is. For example with me, no food is off the table per se; I am merely ruled by numbers. So during the day I could eat a McDonalds hamburger or a GIGANTIC, STOMACH HURTING green salad solely comprising of varying lettuces and green veg for the same calorie count, despite having the same hunger levels. I would consume all of either of them, knowing "it's making up the numbers".
We seem to forget that our bodies know best and when our stomachs growl, it's our body saying "hey, food now, or else y'know, I die and stuff. And as you're part of me and vice versa, thought that might concern you".
In a way we have to stop thinking about things too much and let instinct tell us what's right.
We seem to forget that our bodies know best and when our stomachs growl, it's our body saying "hey, food now, or else y'know, I die and stuff. And as you're part of me and vice versa, thought that might concern you".
In a way we have to stop thinking about things too much and let instinct tell us what's right.
I posted ages ago and left because I found it triggering to talk about. But I think I'm okay now. It kind of sucks trying to eat normally. I wish I could just be like a normal person and eat things without even thinking. I eat now but I feel guilty and disgusting for doing so. And while I was obsessed with losing weight I memorised the calorie content of absolutely everything, and it's impossible to forget. I go shopping for food and try to pick things without looking at the nutrition info but it's no use because I already know it. It takes me ages to buy food because I have to do all these mental gymnastics to justify it to myself. I haven't weighed myself in half a year because I'm scared of what number it'll be, but it doesn't make a lot of difference because obviously I know what my body looks and feels like. I don't even think I need to lose weight, I think I just want control or something, I don't know. It's like a high. The other day this guy said to my friend as a joke, 'if you ate less mcdonalds you'd be skinny like Flo here!' and I felt like crying but I don't know why. It should be a compliment, I just feel like a mess. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I hope you guys are okay.
You're brave to come back here to us, Flo! I'm proud.
The truth is, those feelings and notions never subside. We're never completely free of the "mental gymnastics". Even if we never look at the labels as anorexics it's almost in-built that we know the general nutrition of things and as such we'll never be ignorant to that.
You'll continue, even when getting better, to overestimate to compensate... even if you don't realise it.
"Okay, I've to eat 2000 kcals today. I ate a Special K Bar, that's like 100... and an apple... it was a big apple... probably close to about 70kcals... and then a couple of slices of wafer thin ham on that sandwich... ham's like 15kcals per slice, so..."
Even though you know the EXACT nutrition of a Special K bar is 80kcals, you round up, and round up, and the ED "tricks" you without you even realising. At the end of the day you can't figure out why you're eating 2000kcals and not gaining weight, and then you realise you've tricked yourself out of like, 200-400kcals by the end of the day.
How beautiful a world would be to go into a sandwich shop and buy what looks tastiest. Even now I go into Subway and I'm like, "do I want a six inch 210 kcals or a six inch 255 kcals today?" instead of "Veggie Delight" or "Turkey" or whatever. It's frustrating, but we must remember an INCREDIBLY important point:
THE BODY MUST HEAL BEFORE THE MIND CAN HEAL. IT DOES NOT WORK THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
The truth is, those feelings and notions never subside. We're never completely free of the "mental gymnastics". Even if we never look at the labels as anorexics it's almost in-built that we know the general nutrition of things and as such we'll never be ignorant to that.
You'll continue, even when getting better, to overestimate to compensate... even if you don't realise it.
"Okay, I've to eat 2000 kcals today. I ate a Special K Bar, that's like 100... and an apple... it was a big apple... probably close to about 70kcals... and then a couple of slices of wafer thin ham on that sandwich... ham's like 15kcals per slice, so..."
Even though you know the EXACT nutrition of a Special K bar is 80kcals, you round up, and round up, and the ED "tricks" you without you even realising. At the end of the day you can't figure out why you're eating 2000kcals and not gaining weight, and then you realise you've tricked yourself out of like, 200-400kcals by the end of the day.
How beautiful a world would be to go into a sandwich shop and buy what looks tastiest. Even now I go into Subway and I'm like, "do I want a six inch 210 kcals or a six inch 255 kcals today?" instead of "Veggie Delight" or "Turkey" or whatever. It's frustrating, but we must remember an INCREDIBLY important point:
THE BODY MUST HEAL BEFORE THE MIND CAN HEAL. IT DOES NOT WORK THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
A funny day today. I ate lunch and told myself I wouldn't eat anything now until tomorrow, but I just came in and my flatmate was having the most amazing looking dinner and I thought...I want some of that. So I think I might actually eat dinner as well, except I'm worried about the physical pain it will put me in afterwards (let alone probably crying myself to sleep). Strangely, for the last week or so it has been the physical pain that has been bothering me more than the mental pain. My sister came for dinner last night and I wasn't freaked out eating it because I hadn't eaten all day and the numbers were alright, and I thought I was going to enjoy it so much...but I got halfway through a small plateful and my stomach hurt so much I had to stop eating. I'm fed up of being dizzy all the time and not being able to sit still for two minutes without getting pins and needles and being completely incapable of concentrating. And yet still, it's not enough to make me want to give it up.
What you say about the body and the mind is very true, Toto.
What you say about the body and the mind is very true, Toto.
Visiting my mate in Sheffield today which is challenging enough for my anxiety but also has left me vulnerable in terms of the ED. Anyway I tried behaving like an "ED-free" person by buying a wrap for convenience sake and that was going okay, then we opened this milk chocolate bar I'd brought up for him and I had a few bites (so far, so good) and finally tried a Cadbury's Hot Chocolate while we wound up the night. (Honestly never had it before as I barely ever do fizzy/calorific drinks and stuff bar the odd fruit-juice, and obviously tonight was a quiet one so it seemed cosy enough a choice).
Now I can't sleep.
Hate it when you try and give a big FU to the ED and it's slapped right back in your face >_<
And I have to say CC looks superb. I'd always given it a miss it because of its very name being triggering beforehand, but actually there's a wealth of information for sufferers and those recovering alike. Kinda explains how a 5-year long "diet", if not necessarily a full-blown ED, has contributed to so many things which suck in my life for no reason.
Gonna have a good, long and hard look at the weight-gain plan, and stop beating round the bush. Not being underweight's no excuse for reining in on intake because if this carries on I will be again by Christmas. Just wish it was easier to get some kip : /
Now I can't sleep.
Hate it when you try and give a big FU to the ED and it's slapped right back in your face >_<
And I have to say CC looks superb. I'd always given it a miss it because of its very name being triggering beforehand, but actually there's a wealth of information for sufferers and those recovering alike. Kinda explains how a 5-year long "diet", if not necessarily a full-blown ED, has contributed to so many things which suck in my life for no reason.
Gonna have a good, long and hard look at the weight-gain plan, and stop beating round the bush. Not being underweight's no excuse for reining in on intake because if this carries on I will be again by Christmas. Just wish it was easier to get some kip : /
(edited 12 years ago)
Hate being in two minds. Nothing is simple. I want to eat normally and not over think it but I always overdo it because once i've told myself I want to get better I eat at all the wrong times and all the wrong things and too much. Then two weeks have gone by and I haven't done any uni work or done anything nice because i've constantly felt bloated and ill.
I'm thinking about going to the doctors, but it would be a huge trigger for him to tell me what I already know which is (contains bmi)
I'm thinking about going to the doctors, but it would be a huge trigger for him to tell me what I already know which is (contains bmi)
Spoiler
So... today I've been thinking about going to the doctors and to actually admit that I guess I do have bulimia, but...
Spoiler
Original post by Anonymous
So... today I've been thinking about going to the doctors and to actually admit that I guess I do have bulimia, but...
Spoiler
I understand how you feel but you must go now so that you don't get to such a bad stage. I bet the people with awful life destroying conditions as a result of bulimia wish they had seen a doctor earlier. Even if you don't understand why you should go... you are still ill, and your behaviour is not normal and you need to tell someone now as it is affecting your life at present and will continue to.
ED's are the mental disorders which have the highest mortality rates, 1 in 5 I believe. Bulimia is awful. It only takes one bad session to tear the oesophagus, only one bad session to throw your electrolytes out of whack and give you a heart attack, only one bad session to destroy your life.
Go to the doctor, please.
I originally thought that I was bulimic, until it kinda dawned on me later on that I was purging anorexic.
You my dear are going to be better than me. You are going to get help now. Took me 8 months to get support after suffering for... 2 years in silence.
When your electrolytes are out of balance there is no warning, they just go. When your oesophagus tears you get no forward message, you just bleed.
I do apologise for being awful and using scare tactics, but I'm not making this up. Scary, isn't it. When you don't need to lie for scare tactics to be scary.
Go to the doctor, please.
I originally thought that I was bulimic, until it kinda dawned on me later on that I was purging anorexic.
You my dear are going to be better than me. You are going to get help now. Took me 8 months to get support after suffering for... 2 years in silence.
When your electrolytes are out of balance there is no warning, they just go. When your oesophagus tears you get no forward message, you just bleed.
I do apologise for being awful and using scare tactics, but I'm not making this up. Scary, isn't it. When you don't need to lie for scare tactics to be scary.
Original post by Cinamon
Hate being in two minds. Nothing is simple. I want to eat normally and not over think it but I always overdo it because once i've told myself I want to get better I eat at all the wrong times and all the wrong things and too much. Then two weeks have gone by and I haven't done any uni work or done anything nice because i've constantly felt bloated and ill.
I'm thinking about going to the doctors, but it would be a huge trigger for him to tell me what I already know which is (contains bmi)
I'm thinking about going to the doctors, but it would be a huge trigger for him to tell me what I already know which is (contains bmi)
Spoiler
C, I <3 you, but get your ass to the doctors. ED's dont discriminate, they hate everyone. Black,white, blue, fat, not fat, male /female.
Original post by Cinamon
I understand how you feel but you must go now so that you don't get to such a bad stage. I bet the people with awful life destroying conditions as a result of bulimia wish they had seen a doctor earlier. Even if you don't understand why you should go... you are still ill, and your behaviour is not normal and you need to tell someone now as it is affecting your life at present and will continue to.
Thank you for your encouragement, I'm just worried about telling the doctors...Original post by Antiaris
ED's are the mental disorders which have the highest mortality rates, 1 in 5 I believe. Bulimia is awful. It only takes one bad session to tear the oesophagus, only one bad session to throw your electrolytes out of whack and give you a heart attack, only one bad session to destroy your life.
Go to the doctor, please.
I originally thought that I was bulimic, until it kinda dawned on me later on that I was purging anorexic.
You my dear are going to be better than me. You are going to get help now. Took me 8 months to get support after suffering for... 2 years in silence.
When your electrolytes are out of balance there is no warning, they just go. When your oesophagus tears you get no forward message, you just bleed.
I do apologise for being awful and using scare tactics, but I'm not making this up. Scary, isn't it. When you don't need to lie for scare tactics to be scary.
Go to the doctor, please.
I originally thought that I was bulimic, until it kinda dawned on me later on that I was purging anorexic.
You my dear are going to be better than me. You are going to get help now. Took me 8 months to get support after suffering for... 2 years in silence.
When your electrolytes are out of balance there is no warning, they just go. When your oesophagus tears you get no forward message, you just bleed.
I do apologise for being awful and using scare tactics, but I'm not making this up. Scary, isn't it. When you don't need to lie for scare tactics to be scary.
To be fair, that did scare me quite a bit
I did make a suicide attempt recently but I quickly realised that I actually want to keep on living. I just... want a hug, and someone to go with me 
How pathetic is that!Original post by Anonymous Thank you for your encouragement, I'm just worried about telling the doctors...
To be fair, that did scare me quite a bit I did make a suicide attempt recently but I quickly realised that I actually want to keep on living. I just... want a hug, and someone to go with me How pathetic is that!
Thank you for your encouragement, I'm just worried about telling the doctors...To be fair, that did scare me quite a bit
I did make a suicide attempt recently but I quickly realised that I actually want to keep on living. I just... want a hug, and someone to go with me How pathetic is that!You can always write it down, so if you clam up you still tell the doctor what's wrong.
This reminds me i STILL havent got around to checking if my constantly cold feet
are just from having a rubbish circulation, or something more serious. and telling him my ability to cope with anxiety and stress is getting worse. i.e being unable to perform solo infront of people, having a panic attack before even opening my AS results. I can get myself so stressed and wound up i can eat hardly anything without feeling stupidly ill...
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