[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Cinamon)
We seem to be having bad days?

Spoiler:

Show

I want to be healthy now - got up to a BMI of 19 and this is just where I want to stay. But it won't stop going up. Yesterday I had some really terrible news about a family member back home and that combined with stressing over a test, thinking I was pregnant (missed 2 periods), my computer breaking, my printer breaking and seeing a cat get run over caused me to completely break down and question everything.

Irrational me: This would never have happened if I wasn't eating... Lead to guilt... I felt like I really should have dinner, as that is the healthy thing to do, but my state of mind was such that I couldn't figure out if I was full, and before I knew it.. well.. yeah Kept going

Things will hopefully calm down over the weekend and a fresh start soon!! Don't give up guys!!!!

huggles dear. I'll rant about life when I've finished practicing my guitar. Why does Shalott have to be so quick?

[defuzion]

Yo guys.

I don't know if this goes here but:

Its not that I'm eating too much. Its that I'm eating too little. Whenever I eat a meal, I take my time eating it, and well, I eventually get full with half/quater of the meal left and I end up throwing it away.

Its likely because since I've come to uni... my food routine has become really crap. What can I do?

[Antiaris]

(Original post by Cinamon)
We seem to be having bad days?

Spoiler:

Show

I want to be healthy now - got up to a BMI of 19 and this is just where I want to stay. But it won't stop going up. Yesterday I had some really terrible news about a family member back home and that combined with stressing over a test, thinking I was pregnant (missed 2 periods), my computer breaking, my printer breaking and seeing a cat get run over caused me to completely break down and question everything.

Irrational me: This would never have happened if I wasn't eating... Lead to guilt... I felt like I really should have dinner, as that is the healthy thing to do, but my state of mind was such that I couldn't figure out if I was full, and before I knew it.. well.. yeah Kept going

Things will hopefully calm down over the weekend and a fresh start soon!! Don't give up guys!!!!

You do know post ED people are supposed to go to BMI 20-25 otherwise there is greater risk of relapse, right?

People from look can't really tell the difference between BMI's anyway. (Unless you got to low BMI in adolescence, therefore you catch up with growth and stuff. Seriously, aged 5 years from BMI 19 -> 20)

[TotoMimo]

I never made the Tom correlation.

Perhaps the Toms of the world are destined to be inherent overachievers with wit and charm, handsome and talented, but fate requires us to have a flaw of some sort and so ED is our folly?



Haha, so, so modest... :P

[sentiment]

I have been ****ed over by yet another guy. I got on the scales this morning and the numbers had gone down and I thought 'great, this is all I've got again now if I haven't got him'. It's ****ing pathetic.

I'd spoiler this but I have no idea how, if anyone would like me to if you could tell me how then I'll do it.

Sorry for the negativity but I just want to curl up on the floor and cry like a baby.

[Antiaris]

(Original post by sentiment)
I have been ****ed over by yet another guy. I got on the scales this morning and the numbers had gone down and I thought 'great, this is all I've got again now if I haven't got him'. It's ****ing pathetic.

I'd spoiler this but I have no idea how, if anyone would like me to if you could tell me how then I'll do it.

Sorry for the negativity but I just want to curl up on the floor and cry like a baby.

As a guy I can tell you that guy's are douches. We really are.

How can what somebody else is affect what you are? You are no less lovely, no less amazing, no less YOU due to that guy being cruel. You don't need to prove that you ARE something with a number, that you ARE good. You are good already. The number is something completely separate. You prove nothing with that number. It. Is. Meaningless.

The guy has knocked your confidence in your non-number self, we can see that. What you need to do is to PROVE that you have more to offer. You aren't offering anything with that low number, you are just taking things away.

[Riku]

Spoiler:

Show

Just told Mum that I haven't seen my therapist for a month because I was late for the last appointment so she walked out before I got there. Mum called my timekeeping "atrocious". To be fair, it really is sometimes.
My problem is the solution constantly going round my head: "If I don't eat, I'll have more time". This is a hard part of recovery for me-it feels like I had more energy restricting, that I was far more productive. The hunger kept me alert and set for the next challenge, while fullness makes me lethargic and sluggish a lot. Right now I either panic so much from trying to eat that an hour can pass, or just rush the whole thing to get it over with like a threat. I get tired when I eat really and can only put this down to eating too much. Nor do I have any real concept of portion size or satiety anymore, unless it's to the point of bloating.
Surely this can't be good? Wouldn't mind some reminders on Intuitive Eating concepts.

[Anonymous]

Anon newbie here, just posting to vent out some of the sheer turmoil that is my brain and attitude to food currently.
I started dieting in May of this year, determined to no longer be the "token fat girl" (at 5'6 and 11 stone). This started as skipping breakfast and lunch, with a small dinner (around 300-400 calories per day). Then I read about the benefits of eating breakfast on weight loss whilst on study leave, so I started eating a tiny breakfast, still trying to keep under 500 calories per day. By this point, my diet was tofu and ricecakes with peanut butter or Nutella, washed down with endless water and green tea.
After that, my caloric intake slowly increased (with one or two "binge" days for which I completely detested myself) to around 900, then up to 1100 and skirting around 1200 without ever really attaining it. That was when I started university. Going out every night meant drinking, and drinking means calories- so I ate as little as possible beforehand and got smashed. I lost half a stone over freshers' week before developing an infection that required antibiotics, which meant eating, so I went back up to around 1200 calories (overestimating calories and leaving as much as possible means I never quite get there, though). I'm currently at home for reading week and aiming to eat 1200 calories per day while I'm here, plus do some exercise (Wii Fit, zumba, running, shopping) each day, quit the Diet Coke, no alcohol or junk food- basically, fill my body with healthy things that should hopefully stave off weight gain which is my biggest, most all consuming fear. I'm currently around 170cm and 48.5kg, just hoping that eating so sensibly will change my body and not the numbers on the scale, because I still think I'm flabby and fat.
<white text for TMI> I haven't had a period since June and I'm scared I've ****ed up my fertility.</white text>


I have a referral to an eating disorders clinic on the insistence of my very scared family, but someone with more insight than me- how do I beat this?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys, I posted the other day about my friend mentioning seeing an ED therapist.

I've since spoken to her roommate, who's told me the extent of the problems...

Spoiler contains ED and self-harm behaviour...

Spoiler:

Show

She's been purging every day - not sure if this is after binges or normal meals. Her roommate says she can't pretend not to hear it any more.

She's also been drinking on her own, every day, adding vodka to her drinks as soon as it's 12pm. I was round their room the other day and there were loads of empty bottles in the kitchen, far more than if it were just from parties.

Also, a couple of us have noticed scratches on her arms. They don't look like cuts with any sort of blade, just like she's been scratching herself with her nails.

She's also broken up with her boyfriend - I don't know if this is a cause or consequence of the behaviour.

Her and her roommate are both very private people and don't talk about emotions much. Her roommate wants to tell her how worried we are about her, but thinks that she'll either laugh it off or get angry for bringing it up. Anyone got any advice on how to deal with it?

[Riku]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Anon newbie here, just posting to vent out some of the sheer turmoil that is my brain and attitude to food currently.
I started dieting in May of this year, determined to no longer be the "token fat girl" (at 5'6 and 11 stone). This started as skipping breakfast and lunch, with a small dinner (around 300-400 calories per day). Then I read about the benefits of eating breakfast on weight loss whilst on study leave, so I started eating a tiny breakfast, still trying to keep under 500 calories per day. By this point, my diet was tofu and ricecakes with peanut butter or Nutella, washed down with endless water and green tea.
After that, my caloric intake slowly increased (with one or two "binge" days for which I completely detested myself) to around 900, then up to 1100 and skirting around 1200 without ever really attaining it. That was when I started university. Going out every night meant drinking, and drinking means calories- so I ate as little as possible beforehand and got smashed. I lost half a stone over freshers' week before developing an infection that required antibiotics, which meant eating, so I went back up to around 1200 calories (overestimating calories and leaving as much as possible means I never quite get there, though). I'm currently at home for reading week and aiming to eat 1200 calories per day while I'm here, plus do some exercise (Wii Fit, zumba, running, shopping) each day, quit the Diet Coke, no alcohol or junk food- basically, fill my body with healthy things that should hopefully stave off weight gain which is my biggest, most all consuming fear. I'm currently around 170cm and 48.5kg, just hoping that eating so sensibly will change my body and not the numbers on the scale, because I still think I'm flabby and fat.
<white text for TMI> I haven't had a period since June and I'm scared I've ****ed up my fertility.</white text>


I have a referral to an eating disorders clinic on the insistence of my very scared family, but someone with more insight than me- how do I beat this?

I can tell you now from firsthand experience that no amount of healthy eating or exercise alone will ease off that fear of weight gain-that will require a change in your attitude and values about life in general. Principally that weight and scales and fat or flab or whatever we may blame for our perceived inferiority say nothing, nothing ,about the amazing person you are inside. Nobody here can tell you how to beat this for that exact same reason; it's different for everyone and truly is an internal struggle over your identity and self-esteem expressed outwards. What we can offer you is the support and encouragement to face your inner demons, explore your inner self and come beyond this not only healthy in body, but in mind and soul as well.
Junk food and booze ironically can have its place in a healthy diet too! My dietician put it to me that a "perfect" diet is unhealthy if it makes you miserable-the stress can actually do more damage than the food itself sometimes!
Please get help soon, the warning signs are already there. We're here if you need us.

[Antiaris]

(Original post by Riku)

Spoiler:

Show

Just told Mum that I haven't seen my therapist for a month because I was late for the last appointment so she walked out before I got there. Mum called my timekeeping "atrocious". To be fair, it really is sometimes.
My problem is the solution constantly going round my head: "If I don't eat, I'll have more time". This is a hard part of recovery for me-it feels like I had more energy restricting, that I was far more productive. The hunger kept me alert and set for the next challenge, while fullness makes me lethargic and sluggish a lot. Right now I either panic so much from trying to eat that an hour can pass, or just rush the whole thing to get it over with like a threat. I get tired when I eat really and can only put this down to eating too much. Nor do I have any real concept of portion size or satiety anymore, unless it's to the point of bloating.
Surely this can't be good? Wouldn't mind some reminders on Intuitive Eating concepts.

Couldn't help but laugh, ain't gonna lie, your time-keeping does sound kinda bad.

What you are doing is trying to use your missing therapy sessions as an excuse to not eat by saying it's messing with your timing. Eat for YOUR timing. Just shift your times a little and organise your day a little better.

Always leave quarter of an hour lee-way.

Also by the sounds of it I would say you aren't really at the intuitive eating stage yet, you are still looking for excuses not to eat. Once again, stay organized.

(Original post by Anonymous)
Anon newbie here, just posting to vent out some of the sheer turmoil that is my brain and attitude to food currently.
I started dieting in May of this year, determined to no longer be the "token fat girl" (at 5'6 and 11 stone). This started as skipping breakfast and lunch, with a small dinner (around 300-400 calories per day). Then I read about the benefits of eating breakfast on weight loss whilst on study leave, so I started eating a tiny breakfast, still trying to keep under 500 calories per day. By this point, my diet was tofu and ricecakes with peanut butter or Nutella, washed down with endless water and green tea.
After that, my caloric intake slowly increased (with one or two "binge" days for which I completely detested myself) to around 900, then up to 1100 and skirting around 1200 without ever really attaining it. That was when I started university. Going out every night meant drinking, and drinking means calories- so I ate as little as possible beforehand and got smashed. I lost half a stone over freshers' week before developing an infection that required antibiotics, which meant eating, so I went back up to around 1200 calories (overestimating calories and leaving as much as possible means I never quite get there, though). I'm currently at home for reading week and aiming to eat 1200 calories per day while I'm here, plus do some exercise (Wii Fit, zumba, running, shopping) each day, quit the Diet Coke, no alcohol or junk food- basically, fill my body with healthy things that should hopefully stave off weight gain which is my biggest, most all consuming fear. I'm currently around 170cm and 48.5kg, just hoping that eating so sensibly will change my body and not the numbers on the scale, because I still think I'm flabby and fat.
<white text for TMI> I haven't had a period since June and I'm scared I've ****ed up my fertility.</white text>

I have a referral to an eating disorders clinic on the insistence of my very scared family, but someone with more insight than me- how do I beat this?

You've made the first step of realising you have a problem, you've begun taking steps to getting better now PUSH WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT. Stop listening to the numbers and just concentrate on your eating. Food is separate to numbers.

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey guys, I posted the other day about my friend mentioning seeing an ED therapist.

I've since spoken to her roommate, who's told me the extent of the problems...

Spoiler contains ED and self-harm behaviour...

Spoiler:

Show

She's been purging every day - not sure if this is after binges or normal meals. Her roommate says she can't pretend not to hear it any more.

She's also been drinking on her own, every day, adding vodka to her drinks as soon as it's 12pm. I was round their room the other day and there were loads of empty bottles in the kitchen, far more than if it were just from parties.

Also, a couple of us have noticed scratches on her arms. They don't look like cuts with any sort of blade, just like she's been scratching herself with her nails.

She's also broken up with her boyfriend - I don't know if this is a cause or consequence of the behaviour.

Her and her roommate are both very private people and don't talk about emotions much. Her roommate wants to tell her how worried we are about her, but thinks that she'll either laugh it off or get angry for bringing it up. Anyone got any advice on how to deal with it?

The only way forward is to talk to her. If she doesn't respond ask for help from the university.

Wish I could offer more advice, but those are generally the best accepted answers in this sort of circumstance.

[sentiment]

I woke up today feeling so much more positive than yesterday. My mood's deteriorated slightly this evening but not too badly. I still feel alright.

I've been thinking about telling this guy I've met recently about my issues with my weight. I think it would have to be in the sense that I used to be much more ill than I am now (which is very true) and I'm doing my best not to go back to where I was before (slightly less true) but that I still struggle with it (true). I don't want his reaction to be to try to get me to get help, because I don't want or even really need to (and that's me, not the ED talking), but I think if we are going to end up in some kind of relationship, or even if we're just close friends, I'd like him to know now, and I think telling him would be a risk worth taking. I also think he could be very good for me. I thought I'd never manage a relationship until I'm properly better...even with my ex who I'd been seeing for a long time during one of my relatively healthy phases, I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin around him and hated taking my clothes of for him. It's different now. Just thought I'd share that. I don't like seeing this thread being neglected over the weekends!

[Anonymous]

I'm really scared of going to Uni and putting weight on there! I want to do Self Catering but two of the Unis I've applied to don't really do it, plus I'm not sure my parents would let me as they want me to recover
I don't want to waste my parents money paying for a meal plan then not eating does anyone here find it easy to eat healthily etc. at Uni?

[Liv1204]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm really scared of going to Uni and putting weight on there! I want to do Self Catering but two of the Unis I've applied to don't really do it, plus I'm not sure my parents would let me as they want me to recover
I don't want to waste my parents money paying for a meal plan then not eating does anyone here find it easy to eat healthily etc. at Uni?

Ok, my advice for going to uni is:

1) Make eating a social event. Sounds silly, but it does make sense at uni. In catered accommodation it means you can go down to the canteen/wherever with your flatmates/corridor-mates (especially at the beginning of the year) - it breaks the ice, it's a good place for everyone to sit down and chat and get to know each other, and it takes the focus off worrying about food because you can focus on chatting instead (I know eating in front of other people isn't easy, but maybe use it as a social guide, see how much people eat and how relaxed they are as they do it. If they can do it without suddenly putting on loads of weight, everyone can!)

If you end up in catered accommodation, again, don't use it as an excuse to avoid eating. Use it as an excuse to get to know the people you live with again - do group dinners, special occasions are always fun, themed nights, whatever.

2) It is perfectly possible to eat healthily at university. Make shopping lists so you know in advance what you need to buy and what you want to eat (saves money). Buy and cook in bulk and freeze stuff if you can. Keep snacks like fruit, nuts, oatcakes, whatever you like, readily available in your room so you have healthy things to encourage yourself to eat.

3) Take up a sport. There are so many sports available at uni, and it's so much more than just exercise. It's fun, it's a way of meeting people, and it's so good for encouraging you to keep to healthy eating habits because you know you need the energy. If you find you love the sport it's even easier because it's even more motivation! Don't worry about being shy or self-conscious, there's so many new people at societies that no one will think twice and you soon become comfortable.

4) Keep to as much of a routine as you can at university. It's not always easy because of lecture times, going out, societies etc. But it really does help, because you get into the habit of eating regular meals. It also helps you feel better mentally because there's more structure.

5) Ask for help if you need it. University counsellors will have a lot of experience with eating disorders, the medical centres will too and some universities have specialist eating disorder services. Also talk to the Mental Health advisors at your university if you need more support, and also your tutor/student advisor/etc. They're there to help you.

Sorry this is so long!

[LaBelleEtLeBete]

Relapsing... It's just too easy.
Also, has anyone here been on whyeat.net? Have joined in hopes of getting help to control this relapse but there seems to be a lot of wanna's there.

[Riku]

(Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
Relapsing... It's just too easy.
Also, has anyone here been on whyeat.net? Have joined in hopes of getting help to control this relapse but there seems to be a lot of wanna's there.

http://www.whyeat.net/forum/threads/...hoice-is-yours...

Thanks for sharing this, I've found the stuff on Orthorexia pretty useful. Even if it's not recognised as an ED itself and more a form of OCD, I do feel it can begin to reap real damage (especially if you begin eliminating entire food groups) and it's a gateway to more destructive disorders. It was very difficult beginning recovery with this approach, even more-so than using it during the restriction phase, and while I'm becoming more lax with the behaviours themselves it's still clear that the compulsions and disordered thoughts are forefront of mind (even if I'm doing almost the opposite to prevent it). It's made me realise that only being prepared to gain weight perfectly healthily without adding any "junk" is like being prepared to recover from AN but only if you won't have to gain weight. It's impossible, it's not fully committing to change for the better, and sometimes you need to be prepared to challenge some of your preconceptions of what's right and what's safe to make it through.
Recovery, as for life in general, is really a case of three steps forward, one step back. Often you think all your work's been for naught when in reality of course that isn't true, we humans just have a tendency to blank out all positives and progress the moment we notice a setback. If you've managed to get yourself off the disordered path and been prepared to walk your Road Less Travelled, you've proven you can make it all the way to the end. Don't give up just yet.

[sentiment]

in pain when you don't eat, in worse pain when you do. life's a ****ing bitch sometimes.

[diamonddust]

(Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
Relapsing... It's just too easy.
Also, has anyone here been on whyeat.net? Have joined in hopes of getting help to control this relapse but there seems to be a lot of wanna's there.

I've been on it, not a fan at all. Caloriecount.com is good and I'd say somethingfishy seems like the best forum for helping you when you slip. They both challenge you.

Sentiment, I hear you. *hugs*

[sentiment]

(Original post by diamonddust)
I've been on it, not a fan at all. Caloriecount.com is good and I'd say somethingfishy seems like the best forum for helping you when you slip. They both challenge you.

Sentiment, I hear you. *hugs*

A cuddle would be soo nice today, thank you

[diamonddust]

(Original post by sentiment)
A cuddle would be soo nice today, thank you

It's nice to have hugs, even if they're only virtual ones.
Hopefully in time this will get easier and we'll look back and not believe we were ever in the position we're in now. Or something. Hope everything is going ok. xx