Hey there Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

Announcements Posted on
TSR wants you: get involved with Power Hour. 10-04-2014
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    I planned all morning that at 2.30 I would have something to eat...now I've spent so long stressing out about what to have that I don't think I even really want anything any more. This thing is so damn frustrating sometimes.
    • Thread Starter
    • 22 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by sentiment)
    I planned all morning that at 2.30 I would have something to eat...now I've spent so long stressing out about what to have that I don't think I even really want anything any more. This thing is so damn frustrating sometimes.
    I have found myself in the same situation today.

    I have been placating myself with alcohol for an entire week in an incredibly unhealthy "Well, if I'm not fully conscious I can't worry about it all" mentality. Today I woke up and felt sore, shivery and generally unwell. I told myself "Tom, screw it, you need to eat more and not drink anything today."

    I told myself I'd get a takeaway for the first time in months and months. A treat for breaking a bad routine. I spent about two hours going over and over in my head what I'd have. Chippy... I could have a bit of fish. Oh, man, I love chippy fish. Or a chow mein. Oh, but which has less calories? Oh, which is higher in sat fats? Crap. Maybe I should get something where I know the values because they have an online nutritional guide.

    I'll get a Brazer from KFC, that's only like 430 kcals. And I'll enjoy that! Actually, KFC is hard to get to, maybe I should go for the more accessible McDonalds. But it's not very satisfying. Subway's next to that, so I could just get a Turkey sub! And that's dead healthy! Actually, you know what? What's the point. A turkey sub for a treat?


    And bam. Two hours had passed and by this point I'd just had soup instead. Infuriating.
    • 10 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Amwazicles)
    :sadnod: I know exactly what you mean. But sometimes if I'm really hungry it keeps me awake, so it's sort of lose-lose.
    Why a banana? :curious:
    (Original post by sentiment)
    I planned all morning that at 2.30 I would have something to eat...now I've spent so long stressing out about what to have that I don't think I even really want anything any more. This thing is so damn frustrating sometimes.
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have found myself in the same situation today.

    I have been placating myself with alcohol for an entire week in an incredibly unhealthy "Well, if I'm not fully conscious I can't worry about it all" mentality. Today I woke up and felt sore, shivery and generally unwell. I told myself "Tom, screw it, you need to eat more and not drink anything today."

    I told myself I'd get a takeaway for the first time in months and months. A treat for breaking a bad routine. I spent about two hours going over and over in my head what I'd have. Chippy... I could have a bit of fish. Oh, man, I love chippy fish. Or a chow mein. Oh, but which has less calories? Oh, which is higher in sat fats? Crap. Maybe I should get something where I know the values because they have an online nutritional guide.

    I'll get a Brazer from KFC, that's only like 430 kcals. And I'll enjoy that! Actually, KFC is hard to get to, maybe I should go for the more accessible McDonalds. But it's not very satisfying. Subway's next to that, so I could just get a Turkey sub! And that's dead healthy! Actually, you know what? What's the point. A turkey sub for a treat?


    And bam. Two hours had passed and by this point I'd just had soup instead. Infuriating.
    "A banana as a fruit is a relatively low-calorie and very low-fat snack which also serves as a good source of potassium and magnesium, electrolytes which help to maintain regular heart rhythm, brain and nerve function. While perhaps this wouldn't be the healthiest choice considering its high Gl at most times, in this situation it could work in my favour as it will help to release melatonin thus making me feel sleepy."
    Did I mention I like bananas? Honestly, at times I was thinking like a robot.
    :hugs:

    Had a go at scrambled eggs on toast, have to say I wasn't yet ready to risk the butter and ended up turning back to the Google trap. But hey, any lunch is better than nothing, right?
    Toto's right, that sometimes we need to draw a line between a beneficial concern for our health and well-being, and an obsession that ultimately only serves as a means to helplessly placate the ED in vain. Paralysis by analysis, as they say. It's times like this when we have to try our best to ignore the voices screaming a thousand different things in our head and go with what our heart tells us. Sometimes you actually have to "fake it to make it" and dare to open your eyes to the idea that there is so much more to this world and ourselves than what we know and can ever imagine, if we only allow ourselves to embrace it. It seems like it'll never get easier, and it's always easier to stay within our comfort zones and never take the risk, but you never know unless you try.
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Inspiring story! I had a friend with multiple eating disorders, a lot of what you said rang true (e.g. how much weight you can put on after you eat a small amount) and how it becomes a demon. Good on you!
    • 48 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    "A banana as a fruit is a relatively low-calorie and very low-fat snack which also serves as a good source of potassium and magnesium, electrolytes which help to maintain regular heart rhythm, brain and nerve function. While perhaps this wouldn't be the healthiest choice considering its high Gl at most times, in this situation it could work in my favour as it will help to release melatonin thus making me feel sleepy."
    Did I mention I like bananas? Honestly, at times I was thinking like a robot.
    :hugs:
    Makes sense. At least it was a banana which has got some good nutrients in it, rather than something even less nutritious like a bit of bread or something :dontknow: And I suppose it's also good that it's something you actively liked, and not just ate because of those other reasons. But still, it's great that you're into batter habits now :hugs:



    Has anyone heard of or read the book called Monkey Taming, by Judith Fathallah? I highly recommend it, it's really inspiring, for anyone really, but especially ED sufferers
    • 49 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Amwazicles)
    Makes sense. At least it was a banana which has got some good nutrients in it, rather than something even less nutritious like a bit of bread or something :dontknow: And I suppose it's also good that it's something you actively liked, and not just ate because of those other reasons. But still, it's great that you're into batter habits now :hugs:



    Has anyone heard of or read the book called Monkey Taming, by Judith Fathallah? I highly recommend it, it's really inspiring, for anyone really, but especially ED sufferers
    Oooh, I've never heard of it but it looks good.
    • 48 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Oooh, I've never heard of it but it looks good.
    :yep: 'Tis amazing. I could read it over and over and over and over again. (and would cry every time :rolleyes:)
    #17

    Probably best not to read if you are easily triggered, just needed to write some stuff.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I don't want to be super negative but I'm having a really bad time as of late. First off I should probably say I have been disordered for 8, nearly 9 years now so it's a long term thing and have been in therapy for the past 2.

    Sometimes I get really frustrated when I just can't change my behaviours. More recently I have been working on cutting down my purging, as I am facing surgery on very badly receding gums, but after 2 weeks of not purging I just give in again because I can't shut out the part of me that says it's wrong for me not to go through with it. My therapist tells me to take it day by day but it's always in the back of my mind that I'm going to give in so why not sooner or later. I'm not bulimic, anorexic with purging tendencies and I really don't have a problem with binges I just hate anything inside of me full stop.

    Anyway tonight someone told me they 'don't think I'm worth it' not in the context of me having an eating disorder but it hit home a lot because I guess in fighting this I'm fighting the overwhelming sense in myself of also not being worth it. It really hurt. I also got a letter from the ESA department at DWP telling me they have decided after 6 months I am fit to return to work, despite letters from those treating me saying I'm not. I can't be bothered to argue over it back and forth anymore so I have stopped the appeal, it's not that I don't want to go back but I know it won't help my situation. I have very little money anyway and I can't support myself on the 8 hours a week I feel capable of at minimum wage. I know I will end up taking on 50+ hours in order to make ends meet whilst not eating and everything will spiral again. Part of my cares about my own wellbeing but the majority of me doesn't care enough to do anything about it.
    • 49 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Amwazicles)
    :yep: 'Tis amazing. I could read it over and over and over and over again. (and would cry every time :rolleyes:)
    Just ordered it.

    I probably won't be able to read it until the Christmas holidays though, too much academic reading to do.
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have found myself in the same situation today.

    I have been placating myself with alcohol for an entire week in an incredibly unhealthy "Well, if I'm not fully conscious I can't worry about it all" mentality. Today I woke up and felt sore, shivery and generally unwell. I told myself "Tom, screw it, you need to eat more and not drink anything today."

    I told myself I'd get a takeaway for the first time in months and months. A treat for breaking a bad routine. I spent about two hours going over and over in my head what I'd have. Chippy... I could have a bit of fish. Oh, man, I love chippy fish. Or a chow mein. Oh, but which has less calories? Oh, which is higher in sat fats? Crap. Maybe I should get something where I know the values because they have an online nutritional guide.

    I'll get a Brazer from KFC, that's only like 430 kcals. And I'll enjoy that! Actually, KFC is hard to get to, maybe I should go for the more accessible McDonalds. But it's not very satisfying. Subway's next to that, so I could just get a Turkey sub! And that's dead healthy! Actually, you know what? What's the point. A turkey sub for a treat?


    And bam. Two hours had passed and by this point I'd just had soup instead. Infuriating.
    Isn't alcohol a funny one? I drink a lot at the moment, mostly socially I must add! But it's ridiculous how I can't eat a bowl of cereals because of the calories but I can just decide not to count alcohol as calories when in reality I probably get the majority of my calories from alcohol. I always try to pick the drinks that have the least calories in them but I can drink and drink and not be worried about it...funny how with that one thing my brain can just accept it and turn of the mental responses I would have if it were food.
    • 48 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Just ordered it.

    I probably won't be able to read it until the Christmas holidays though, too much academic reading to do.
    Yay :five:

    Ah well, better at christmas than never :dontknow:
    #50

    Dear body,

    Feel that food you just got? It really is yours to keep this time, to draw nourishment from, to make healthy cells grow and to make you feel balanced and well.
    You don't have to give it back this time, I promise.

    Regards, Anonymous
    • 23 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    To keep at my current weight I have found that I need to eat about 1000 calories a day. Below that I loose and above that I gain. So obviously this is not a natural weight for me and it will do my body good to gain some weight.

    Anon 50 :hugs:
    • 2 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    This might trigger so
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I've been watching thinspo videos on youtube tonight, and I re-read 'Wintergirls' on friday... I am sick and I hate myself for getting back into this.

    The guy I'm seeing made me eggs on Saturday morning. I blamed my hangover on the fact I couldn't eat them. Why can't I just be a normal person who doesn't freak out about butter when someone does something nice for them?
    • 49 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    This might trigger so
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I've been watching thinspo videos on youtube tonight, and I re-read 'Wintergirls' on friday... I am sick and I hate myself for getting back into this.

    The guy I'm seeing made me eggs on Saturday morning. I blamed my hangover on the fact I couldn't eat them. Why can't I just be a normal person who doesn't freak out about butter when someone does something nice for them?
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Oh God, Wintergirls triggers the **** out of me. I don't know why I do it either.

    :hugs:
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Random update.
    I received a letter around 2 weeks ago from a consultant psychiatrist which asked me to make an appointment to see her at my local hospital as she'd received numerous requests from my doctor for referral. I got the appointment and went last Tuesday to see her. I was so nervous and upset before I went in because I didn't know what to expect, but she was lovely and we just chatted for a while. She asked about my childhood and background and then went on to ask all about my relationship with food, my binging and purging behaviour, triggers, feelings ect. She then explained my eating disorder (bulimia nervosa) in detail and during all this I was crying like a baby but I couldn't help it, it just felt too real after being in denial for so long. She then explained that she's going to refer me the psychological team for cognitive behavioural therapy, but it's unlikely that I'll actually have it until February/March. She then said that a bmi would perhaps allow me access to help from other health professionals in the timje being, but I refused to be weighed as I hadn't purged all day so I felt so disgusting and bloated, I just couldn't do it.

    As well as bulimia I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so she was recommended that I take Prozac (is anyone here on it? does it work?). She a told me that I need to take take frequent blood tests, frequent cvg tests, and book an appointment with my dentist for advice on my teeth.

    Since seeing her I've been a bit of a wreck.. just continually crying, even more snappy at everyone, lost all patience, and I broke down in work on Friday. Right now I'd rather die than live like this.
    • 2 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Oh God, Wintergirls triggers the **** out of me. I don't know why I do it either.

    :hugs:
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Stupid weird masochistic feelings. I cannot do ED books without getting competitive with the characters- really brain? Is that really what you get out of a book about someone's recovery?

    ugs back:
    • 2 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've posted before, but not regularly, I don't know why I am now but I just needed to get these thoughts out:
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Over the summer I had an ED, or the beginnngs of one. Moving to uni would kill or cure me - thankfully it cured me. Something in my head snapped as all my flatmates were in the kitchen on the first night making dinner "I'd rather have friends here than be skinny", maybe that shows that the problem was never that serious. I was never convinced I had one - doctors and friends told me otherwise. In a way it was hard to let go of but in a lot of way its dissolved as quickly as it came. I've gained, I dont know how much. But that's not what this post is about....

    Me and my boyfriend broke up a few days ago, basically because we couldnt handle the distance. But he has spent the last month unintentionally destroying my self esteem by not trying. Him not trying = me not worth talking to, me not worth missing out on the smallest things up there. And the final blow "its not worth it anymore, im sorry". I dont want him back, but the decline in our relationship began at the same time that I lost the voice in my head and began to gain weight.
    I think he stopped caring because I stopped being skinny. (That's stupid, I am skinny, I'm still "underweight", have been my whole life - I'm just around 18 BMI as opposed to 16). I stopped being worth it, he stopped being attracted to me sexually (something thats always been an on/off issue) because I got heavier again. Those thoughts are the first time I've heard the voice in my head for over a month, but its starting to creep back and getting more and more forceful
    "You can't eat that... put it back"
    "I don't care if its dinnertime, you had lunch three hours ago, you're not allowed food"
    "Why do you need to go food shopping?! You dont need anymore, everyone will just think you're huge if you buy that"

    I'm just scared that one of these days, I'll hit a low point and start listening to it again. Which I can't do, because it wants me dead. I want me alive - we're never going to agree


    I'm not sure what advice can be offered... I just wanted to get that out in a safe place.
    All I can say is stop, right now. See a counsellor at uni, see your GP, talk to your flatmates. I know it's cliche to say, but if you can nip this in the bud do it. It wasn't a phase, you aren't less than a 'proper' sufferer. You went through what we've all been through.
    Don't listen to it, blare music, dance until you're numb, talk and talk and talk, just do not listen to that voice.
    Hugs.
    #30

    (Original post by sophiemay20)
    As well as bulimia I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so she was recommended that I take Prozac (is anyone here on it? does it work?).


    I have taken it in the past. It definitely made me feel better and reduced the urge to binge. Had no negative effects on me.
    #30

    At times, I wish I would have a heart attack in my sleep and escape from all of this.

Reply

Submit reply

Register

Thanks for posting! You just need to create an account in order to submit the post
  1. this can't be left blank
    that username has been taken, please choose another Forgotten your password?

    this is what you'll be called on TSR

  2. this can't be left blank
    this email is already registered. Forgotten your password?

    never shared and never spammed

  3. this can't be left blank

    6 characters or longer with both numbers and letters is safer

  4. this can't be left empty
    your full birthday is required
  1. By completing the slider below you agree to The Student Room's terms & conditions and site rules

  2. Slide the button to the right to create your account

    Slide to join now Processing…

    You don't slide that way? No problem.

Updated: April 20, 2014
Article updates
Reputation gems:
You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.