Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

DON'T purge. Just, don't.

I'll tell you a little bit how I started (in the hope it may help you even the tiniest bit) I could never make myself sick, I always remember the first time I tried was when I was about 10/11 and I felt sick at a party but couldn't do it at all. It was over the years that every now and then I'd 'give it a try' just to see until I was about 14/15 and suddenly WHEWWW i had just been sick, it wasn't much, but still, it was some of my dinner. It was in the summer of school and it was over that summer that I 'developed my technique' in a way that I knew exactly the pressure point, the standing position, everything for purging anything
And now, the purging isn't aomethign I enjoy it's just routine, a horrible self destructive routine that I don't know how to live without and redefine myself into a 'normal' person who doesn't do it, I just cant comprehend a life where you don't purge a meal which isn't to my low cal food standards

Your heart definitely suffers love, as does your hair, skin, TEETH, nails, knuckles, oesophagus, taste receptors on your Tongue and your self esteem

I know you didn't say you were going to do it, but I read that and it reminded me of myself before the ed

My best friend is the only one who I've admitted it to and I've old her never to try an be sick on your own accord. Never good. I've never met someone with an ed that I could openly talk to, it must be nice?

Oh my goodness, I was literally just talking to another friend about what I should do and she said exactly that, I never realised before. I was just saying how I need to stop talking to her about it because by doing so I'm normalising a thing which really shouldn't be normal, and she said 'you know she doesn't realise it but that's exactly what she's doing too.' Oh I feel awful now, I'm so selfish! It's so so true though.






I don't know if she's telling me every time; she tells me every few days but I don't know if that is every time. She's certainly always made herself out to have a much more established ED than she actually does - not at all saying it's attention-seeking but a lot of it is going on in her head, she's actually often pretty good at sorting out the logical stuff from the crazy bits and eating anyway.

Sorry about your bad day Totally know what you mean by this, at my peak of 'recovery' I used to be able to eat crisps and chocolate fine as I'd previously been totally unable to eat them and I knew this was something I was now 'allowed' but I still couldn't eat a whole sandwich made with TWO slices of bread as that was just totally off the cards - even if the bread was wholemeal and the filling was lettuce! So weird. Anyway, I was trying to find your 'new motto' that you wrote the other day but I couldn't find it, something like 'Tomorrow will be better' - so, that Tomorrow you will start again and it'll work out better.



I feel like you just described my life; I never realised other people started so young too, I thought I was a proper weird kid. But for anonymous, I just want to emphasise that it is absolutely VILE when the only thing you can imagine doing after eating a meal that you actually enjoyed and that someone cooked for you with love, is excusing yourself from a whole group of people you really want to stay sitting and chatting with, running up the stairs and spending 15 minutes emptying it all out. And then going downstairs and pretending that everything's fine and hoping nobody's noticed your knuckles and how bad your breath smells and how wet your eyes are and how much your legs are shaking.
So yes, it gets physically easier, but it's horrible when it does.

mum just made a comment after i made a brown bread cheese and onion crisp sandwhich ''what is wrong with you firstly on a diet secondly doesnt eat for days now eating anything'' yes mothers are so ****ing observational i hate it this is why i cant get down to my ideal weight right now im in a room full of chocolates i hate myself i cant trust myself and i cant stop eating despite wanting to and hating myself for eating i hate food yet i love it at the same time

custard cream your eyes look weak youre doing yourself serious damage by purging please please try and get help to stop spit the food out instead of purging
i wish i was skinny. i want to be but whilst im at home i cant be. starting a uni course in september want to be healthy but right now i look pregnant yet cant stop eating i went on a 5 day fast want to start another one tomorrow cut out carbs i hate myself i hate life i just cannot get control cos of those around me wanting me to eat i hate them and i hate me

oh yes, oh yes. BMI ~13 i can logically 'convince myself' to eat a legit 'healthy' meal. from an anorexic POV logically it is fine, ok, not 'greedy' nor 'disallowed'.
but i cannot for the life of me allow it to digest.
and it takes a good 4-6 hours now for my stomach to work. all it takes during THAT TIME to keep it in, is ONE slip.
and its gone.

its not much fun. and it WILL kill you quicker than just restricting alone.
__________________

BTW, were most people here aware, that the LEADING course of death in AN sufferers (ie ~20%) is through SUICIDE?

You know what's amazing? Kebabbi, diamonddust, custardcream, in fact just about everyone in this thread has changed so dramatically over the past few weeks of just discussing things on this forum thread.

Think back to the sheer level of negativity and poor logic, clouded ED-fuelled judgement we all had. And now, everyone's taking steps. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Eating something and keeping it down, getting a better understanding of the reasons behind why these disorders developed in our mind and lifestyles... these are things that help the healing process tremendously.

I also have something of an announcement to make.

Although I was 94.8lb yesterday, last night after I'd taken in my allocated calories from my meal plan, mum came in from her work's night out. She had fish and chips, and I ate it despite knowing I went over my allocation. I just really, really love fish and chips and haven't had some in ages. Nonetheless I have no idea how much of this is salt/water retention, but this morning when I Triple-Doubleyou'd (Woke, Washed, Weighed!) I weighed 97.4lb - 3 pounds more - and that puts me right at the SEVEN STONE mark!

Like I said, I have no idea if it's real weight gain or anything;but seven stone will be the heaviest I have been since 2009. My mind is conflicted to holy hell but I know this is for the absolute best. At this point I'm almost like, "Screw it. The weight is going on - it will be going on whether it takes a week, a year - it NEEDS to go on me." Knowing it's inevitable makes this easier.

That said, I am still undoubtedly terrified.

I've read about it somewhere where after gaining the first place for it to appear will be around the vital organ, causing a bloated look before the weight (muscle and fat) spreads more evenly. I'm wondering if anybody else has found something similar. I became nervous due to the bloated look this morning but I am posting this to reassure myself AND OTHERS if they are going through the same thing. Any bloating in areas will even out. Any bloating is simply the body fixing the vital organs.

~Antiaris
[8 stone-1 pound-2 ounces][5'9"]

You know what's amazing? Kebabbi, diamonddust, custardcream, in fact just about everyone in this thread has changed so dramatically over the past few weeks of just discussing things on this forum thread.

Think back to the sheer level of negativity and poor logic, clouded ED-fuelled judgement we all had. And now, everyone's taking steps. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Eating something and keeping it down, getting a better understanding of the reasons behind why these disorders developed in our mind and lifestyles... these are things that help the healing process tremendously.

I also have something of an announcement to make.

Although I was 94.8lb yesterday, last night after I'd taken in my allocated calories from my meal plan, mum came in from her work's night out. She had fish and chips, and I ate it despite knowing I went over my allocation. I just really, really love fish and chips and haven't had some in ages. Nonetheless I have no idea how much of this is salt/water retention, but this morning when I Triple-Doubleyou'd (Woke, Washed, Weighed!) I weighed 97.4lb - 3 pounds more - and that puts me right at the SEVEN STONE mark!

Like I said, I have no idea if it's real weight gain or anything;but seven stone will be the heaviest I have been since 2009. My mind is conflicted to holy hell but I know this is for the absolute best. At this point I'm almost like, "Screw it. The weight is going on - it will be going on whether it takes a week, a year - it NEEDS to go on me." Knowing it's inevitable makes this easier.

That said, I am still undoubtedly terrified.

And it's all thanks to you thank you so much for this thread! I'm proud of us all

Secondly, that fish and chips is an amazing achievement so well done! But what's even more of an achievement is the positive attitude towards it. I don't want to put a downer on it but, realistically, at some point the 'terrified' part is going to win over the awesome 'Screw it' part of your mind and you'll start panicking about the 7 there. I just want to say, when that happens, I think you should come back and read the post you just wrote because to me that just seems so, so full of optimism. Like you said, we're taking baby steps here - but they're all steps in the right direction. For a couple of hours, the 7 might seem like the most terrifying thing in the world, but with every step you take it's only going to get easier. So well done

Oh and custard, I know you won't believe me but you are stunning. And you'd be even more stunning if you could put a bit of weight on

hi

i really need some help. i've been struggling with an eating disorder for over a year i go through periods of starving myself and feeling strong and in control to periods of binging and being sick constantly. recently everything has taken a turn for the worst, everything feels too much and too hard to cope. i feel like im binging constantly and throwing up and can't be bothered to stop it, i think i feel overwhelmed by the pressure of exams and also the pain of an unwanted pregnancy (at 17) and losing the baby.

i have a long distance relationship with the perfect boyfriend, although recently i can't help but push away all his help to the point where hes even said its me or the diet. i know what i want to do is starve myself untill i get the help i need in hospital but i know that its stupid to start all that again just before i take my alevels.

i have no motivation to do anything, i need to go and get anti-depressants from the doctor but i keep putting it off, i have no energy to revise and im constantly thinking about how to get rid of the disgusting weight i've put on so quickly. most of the time i think about how much easier it would be if i was dead. my parents never understand how i'm feeling and act like i can eat normal if i want to, i can't. i just need some support and advice, i honestly think i should stop eating untill im forced to get looked after because everytime i go to the doctors all i can say is how great i'm doing, the same with the psychologist who i told to stop my treatment!

i'm so confused

please help me

x