[squiff93]

hi

i really need some help. i've been struggling with an eating disorder for over a year i go through periods of starving myself and feeling strong and in control to periods of binging and being sick constantly. recently everything has taken a turn for the worst, everything feels too much and too hard to cope. i feel like im binging constantly and throwing up and can't be bothered to stop it, i think i feel overwhelmed by the pressure of exams and also the pain of an unwanted pregnancy (at 17) and losing the baby.

i have a long distance relationship with the perfect boyfriend, although recently i can't help but push away all his help to the point where hes even said its me or the diet. i know what i want to do is starve myself untill i get the help i need in hospital but i know that its stupid to start all that again just before i take my alevels.

i have no motivation to do anything, i need to go and get anti-depressants from the doctor but i keep putting it off, i have no energy to revise and im constantly thinking about how to get rid of the disgusting weight i've put on so quickly. most of the time i think about how much easier it would be if i was dead. my parents never understand how i'm feeling and act like i can eat normal if i want to, i can't. i just need some support and advice, i honestly think i should stop eating untill im forced to get looked after because everytime i go to the doctors all i can say is how great i'm doing, the same with the psychologist who i told to stop my treatment!

i'm so confused

please help me

x

[diamonddust]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
You know what's amazing? Kebabbi, diamonddust, custardcream, in fact just about everyone in this thread has changed so dramatically over the past few weeks of just discussing things on this forum thread.

Think back to the sheer level of negativity and poor logic, clouded ED-fuelled judgement we all had. And now, everyone's taking steps. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Eating something and keeping it down, getting a better understanding of the reasons behind why these disorders developed in our mind and lifestyles... these are things that help the healing process tremendously.

I also have something of an announcement to make.

Although I was 94.8lb yesterday, last night after I'd taken in my allocated calories from my meal plan, mum came in from her work's night out. She had fish and chips, and I ate it despite knowing I went over my allocation. I just really, really love fish and chips and haven't had some in ages. Nonetheless I have no idea how much of this is salt/water retention, but this morning when I Triple-Doubleyou'd (Woke, Washed, Weighed!) I weighed 97.4lb - 3 pounds more - and that puts me right at the SEVEN STONE mark!

Like I said, I have no idea if it's real weight gain or anything;but seven stone will be the heaviest I have been since 2009. My mind is conflicted to holy hell but I know this is for the absolute best. At this point I'm almost like, "Screw it. The weight is going on - it will be going on whether it takes a week, a year - it NEEDS to go on me." Knowing it's inevitable makes this easier.

That said, I am still undoubtedly terrified.

Serious well done on the fish and chips! And thank YOU for this thread and your strength! I think you're so inspiring you can't help but be a good influence!

(Original post by Kebabbi)
And it's all thanks to you thank you so much for this thread! I'm proud of us all

Secondly, that fish and chips is an amazing achievement so well done! But what's even more of an achievement is the positive attitude towards it. I don't want to put a downer on it but, realistically, at some point the 'terrified' part is going to win over the awesome 'Screw it' part of your mind and you'll start panicking about the 7 there. I just want to say, when that happens, I think you should come back and read the post you just wrote because to me that just seems so, so full of optimism. Like you said, we're taking baby steps here - but they're all steps in the right direction. For a couple of hours, the 7 might seem like the most terrifying thing in the world, but with every step you take it's only going to get easier. So well done

Oh and custard, I know you won't believe me but you are stunning. And you'd be even more stunning if you could put a bit of weight on

I was going to say that!

I feel so awful right now. I've eaten too much today. I don't even have the excuse of needing to revise because I JUST ate.

[diamonddust]

(Original post by squiff93)
hi

i really need some help. i've been struggling with an eating disorder for over a year i go through periods of starving myself and feeling strong and in control to periods of binging and being sick constantly. recently everything has taken a turn for the worst, everything feels too much and too hard to cope. i feel like im binging constantly and throwing up and can't be bothered to stop it, i think i feel overwhelmed by the pressure of exams and also the pain of an unwanted pregnancy (at 17) and losing the baby.

i have a long distance relationship with the perfect boyfriend, although recently i can't help but push away all his help to the point where hes even said its me or the diet. i know what i want to do is starve myself untill i get the help i need in hospital but i know that its stupid to start all that again just before i take my alevels.

i have no motivation to do anything, i need to go and get anti-depressants from the doctor but i keep putting it off, i have no energy to revise and im constantly thinking about how to get rid of the disgusting weight i've put on so quickly. most of the time i think about how much easier it would be if i was dead. my parents never understand how i'm feeling and act like i can eat normal if i want to, i can't. i just need some support and advice, i honestly think i should stop eating untill im forced to get looked after because everytime i go to the doctors all i can say is how great i'm doing, the same with the psychologist who i told to stop my treatment!

i'm so confused

please help me

x

Oh hun, you've gone through so much. I think you should print out this post and show your doctor/psychologist.

Sorry I can't think of anything more to say right now, I'm not totally with it today.

Update: If anyone was wondering how my day went after my vow to destroy anorexia... I tried. I spent the whole day revising. And it actually went in my head. I DID go to the coffee shop with my friend, psyched myself up and got a soy caramelatte and a breakfast bar thing. I managed to have 3/4s of the caramelatte before I freaked out but then I saw the breakfast bar had hair on it and obviously couldn't eat it and then got really scared thinking about what might have been in my latte. So it took me ages to eat anything after that. I stayed at the coffee shop for hours after my friend left, went home and made myself lunch and had to deal with my mum asking if it was all I was eating and then I felt so horribly sick. Then I went with my sister to her workplace and we both did work until like 11. I came home and ate what feels like far too much. I'm trying to look at it in a positive- at least I got some calories in me- way but all I can think about is what was in what I ate and how much weight I'm going to gain and how I'm greedy because I didn't even need to eat it. I just hate this stupid fight every single day. And I haven't weighed myself. I know I've gained. I can't believe how easily this can make my mood drop.

I'm trying to fight but I think the ED is still getting too much leeway. I feel awful saying this because my mum made me cookies but I really want to throw them away. I won't because I hate wasting food but having them in the house is making me want to cry. I'm just sick of food. I'm sick of eating it and thinking about it and wishing I could get rid of it. The only way to not obsess over it is to make sure I nourish myself properly but everything is scaring me atm. I don't really know what to do. The only thing I can do is keep trying. I'm just so tired.

[squiff93]

It's fine, i've decided i'm going to go back to how i was because i'd rather diet than throw up. i don't trust myself to do this eating ****. i think i'll get more revision done because i wont be going out or anything. i think i just need to stop bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for myself and do something about it i just hope i'll be able to revise.

@ diamonddust, i think that you sound like a strong person, you know you want to get better and i think that if you give it time it will happen. you seem strong enough to do it goodluck

x

[TotoMimo]

diamonddust, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. Focus on the positives though. You actively set out to try to beat it - admirable! Anyone'll tell you trying to take on ED head-on is nigh on impossible, so it was a bit ambitious, but like I said... I admire that.

Perhaps you just set the sights too high. Maybe you need to start small, like introducing a tiny amount more into your diet. Just supplementing, not changing altogether and trying to return to "normality" immediately.

Truth is, your mind is clearly still heavily clouded as to what weight gain actually entails. Logically, look at it like this:

Your body uses a certain amount of calories as fuel every day to simply be alive. This is a constant and should be deducted from your total instantly. It's usually between 1200 and 1700 depending on what size of person you are; this is your Basal Metabolic Rate. Then, should you consider MOVING today (any kind of physical or mental exertion whatsoever, from walking to writing an essay to running the London marathon) you can shove on the calories used from that to calculate how many calories your body needs just to be in existence. It's usually between 1800 and 2800 in total depending on what kind of lifestyle you have.

Then, if you wanted to gain a single pound, you would need to consume THOSE calories, plus 3500 (!) more.

Was the cereal bar and drink you consumed (or rather, didn't) 5500 calories? I'm going to hazard a guess and say no, but of course your mental anxieties aren't addressed even though the facts clearly state it's a physiological impossibility for you to have gained weight (and in fact, your body is eating itself right now).

I'll try to put it in perspective. Before I started recovery plan, my dietician noted that I was consuming 1500 (ish) calories. I thought this was a lot. I thought I was a "crap anorexic" because all the other anorexics were eating like, 500! But no - it was a comment she said that got me;

"You do realise that an 8-year old little boy, a tiny little boy, is expected to have between 1600 and 1900 calories every day, don't you? And you're a fully grown MAN, and you have less than that."

I was eating less than a primary school kid needs just to exist.

Visual cues like that work best with me because my ED is obsessed with the numbers, but the artistic, REAL me sees things in colourful variants as opposed to cold binary.

diamonddust, the word "calories" is interchangeable with the word "fuel". Remember that. "Calories" aren't "weight". Calories are FUEL. The train needs coal to run, and when the coal runs out they have to start smashing carriages for kindling to keep it running. Those carriages? Those are your liver, heart, kidneys.

Keep taking the positive steps in the right direction because you're trying hard; don't fall back into the "comfort zone" of the ED, because make no mistake - your ED wants to kill you. Remember that above all else.

These mental disorders we have want us dead. And I have too many people that I love, and that love me, to let it have what it wants.

[diamonddust]

OMFG. My friend from IP and her twin are going to be on This Morning in 5 minutes.

[diamonddust]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
diamonddust, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. Focus on the positives though. You actively set out to try to beat it - admirable! Anyone'll tell you trying to take on ED head-on is nigh on impossible, so it was a bit ambitious, but like I said... I admire that.

Perhaps you just set the sights too high. Maybe you need to start small, like introducing a tiny amount more into your diet. Just supplementing, not changing altogether and trying to return to "normality" immediately.

Truth is, your mind is clearly still heavily clouded as to what weight gain actually entails. Logically, look at it like this:

Your body uses a certain amount of calories as fuel every day to simply be alive. This is a constant and should be deducted from your total instantly. It's usually between 1200 and 1700 depending on what size of person you are; this is your Basal Metabolic Rate. Then, should you consider MOVING today (any kind of physical or mental exertion whatsoever, from walking to writing an essay to running the London marathon) you can shove on the calories used from that to calculate how many calories your body needs just to be in existence. It's usually between 1800 and 2800 in total depending on what kind of lifestyle you have.

Then, if you wanted to gain a single pound, you would need to consume THOSE calories, plus 3500 (!) more.

Was the cereal bar and drink you consumed (or rather, didn't) 5500 calories? I'm going to hazard a guess and say no, but of course your mental anxieties aren't addressed even though the facts clearly state it's a physiological impossibility for you to have gained weight (and in fact, your body is eating itself right now).

I'll try to put it in perspective. Before I started recovery plan, my dietician noted that I was consuming 1500 (ish) calories. I thought this was a lot. I thought I was a "crap anorexic" because all the other anorexics were eating like, 500! But no - it was a comment she said that got me;

"You do realise that an 8-year old little boy, a tiny little boy, is expected to have between 1600 and 1900 calories every day, don't you? And you're a fully grown MAN, and you have less than that."

I was eating less than a primary school kid needs just to exist.

Visual cues like that work best with me because my ED is obsessed with the numbers, but the artistic, REAL me sees things in colourful variants as opposed to cold binary.

diamonddust, the word "calories" is interchangeable with the word "fuel". Remember that. "Calories" aren't "weight". Calories are FUEL. The train needs coal to run, and when the coal runs out they have to start smashing carriages for kindling to keep it running. Those carriages? Those are your liver, heart, kidneys.

Keep taking the positive steps in the right direction because you're trying hard; don't fall back into the "comfort zone" of the ED, because make no mistake - your ED wants to kill you. Remember that above all else.

These mental disorders we have want us dead. And I have too many people that I love, and that love me, to let it have what it wants.

Thanks for the huge dose of actual logic. It's amazing how much you forget in the heat of the moment.
How are you doing today Toto?

[diamonddust]

Oh Katy.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.

[anon2010]

(Original post by diamonddust)
Oh Katy.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.

Saw this.
CANNOT believe that they asked their weights!!!

Are they IP now? because they really should be I have not seen girls that thin in a long time.

[morrisman]

Hey custard,
How are you doing today?
Thinking of you
xx

[Linweth]

(Original post by diamonddust)
Oh Katy.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.

Is there somewhere where I can watch this online?
Eh, I can't be arsed going anonymous.... but today I couldn't even bring myself to eat a few ****ing green peas, what the bloody hell.

[squiff93]

i feel like ****, i feel like nobody likes me and i'm just going to fail my life. :'( i just want all of this to end. i've been so dizzy like all day and now i just feel too numb to move. my heads telling me i did okay today but i can definately do better. i've done quite a lot of revision today but it led to a panic attack and chest pains when i realised how much i don't know and can't do. i'm just hopeless. i wish the easy way out was really that easy!

[squiff93]

i sound like a ****ing winging child! i'm so ****ing pathetic! i dont want to wake up tomorrow i just want this to end. but i'm too hopeless and crap to even do that! because i'm too scared on the affect it'll have on the family that im too bloody scared to tell how i actually feel!

[briesandwich]

(Original post by diamonddust)
Oh Katy.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.

I hate the fact people ask about weights, they're so clueless at how competitive weight becomes with eating disorders! The eating disorder charity "Beat" made a campaign to remove pictures of severely underweight sufferers from the media and any display of weights etc. I just hope things improve!

(Original post by Linweth)
Is there somewhere where I can watch this online?
Eh, I can't be arsed going anonymous.... but today I couldn't even bring myself to eat a few ****ing green peas, what the bloody hell.

The 'This Morning' website has the interview I think, I didn't watch it because I felt it might be triggering for me and I don't want to expose myself to that when I'm (at the moment) improving.
It sounds like you've had a frustrating day, are you receiving any support?

[Antiaris]

Squiff pull yourself together and breathe!

You are stronger than that, you know 20% of anorexia related deaths are suicide?! You are not one of those bloody 20%!

Squiff, you are feeling down, but look at what you are going to be. AMAZING.

Look at what you are. AMAZING.

Other people can tell you this, now tell yourself this.

[Linweth]

(Original post by squiff93)
i feel like ****, i feel like nobody likes me and i'm just going to fail my life. :'( i just want all of this to end. i've been so dizzy like all day and now i just feel too numb to move. my heads telling me i did okay today but i can definately do better. i've done quite a lot of revision today but it led to a panic attack and chest pains when i realised how much i don't know and can't do. i'm just hopeless. i wish the easy way out was really that easy!

I can guarantee that there are people out there that like you, I mean for example your family members will like you and you're not failing at life since you are studying, the feeling of feeling like you don't know much is entirely normal... even scholars have said that when they know more about the world they realise how much they don't know. Nobody is ever hopeless, ever. You're worth more than this negativity.

[Linweth]

(Original post by briesandwich)
I hate the fact people ask about weights, they're so clueless at how competitive weight becomes with eating disorders! The eating disorder charity "Beat" made a campaign to remove pictures of severely underweight sufferers from the media and any display of weights etc. I just hope things improve!




The 'This Morning' website has the interview I think, I didn't watch it because I felt it might be triggering for me and I don't want to expose myself to that when I'm (at the moment) improving.
It sounds like you've had a frustrating day, are you receiving any support?

Thanks, I shall have a look.
Well I've been suffering for an ED and BDD for so long and in the past I have been to therapists but it didn't work as I feel my mind is too cynical to listen to what they say. I am currently seeing the doctors since I'm on anti-depressants and they're getting me into seeing a psychiatrist that deals with ED's... I've become desperate, slightly.

[Vixen47]

[QUOTE=diamonddust;31771861]
Have you gone to a doctor, hun?
[QUOTE]

Nope
I rarely seek professional help for anything.
I always rely on myself and Google and I'm probably gonna get negged for this but that's just me - I can't talk to anyone about my problems because I feel as though I'm burdening them with my **** when they've got their own to deal with! Even if they are getting paid for it lol

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Antiaris)
Squiff pull yourself together and breathe!

You are stronger than that, you know 20% of anorexia related deaths are suicide?! You are not one of those bloody 20%!

Squiff, you are feeling down, but look at what you are going to be. AMAZING.

Look at what you are. AMAZING.

Other people can tell you this, now tell yourself this.

^ Quoted cos its true. If you dont have a crap day while trying to get rid of this evil little voice in your head, how are you supposed to know when you've had a good day? Because you wont have anything to compare it with.

[squiff93]

i know, i over-reacted just needed to express myself somehow because i felt trapped. ohwell todays another day - and hopefully a better one :/