Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

Hmmm. It's very confusing...

Cinnie, you ok dear?

Feeling the best and the most in control for at least a year, not letting myself starve and not enjoying hunger or feeling 'out of it'... but my weight is the lowest ever and dropping.. and so is there an ED lying to me telling me i'm absolutely fine, when i'm not so? Or am I completely in control.. Very unsure...

Feeling the best and the most in control for at least a year, not letting myself starve and not enjoying hunger or feeling 'out of it'... but my weight is the lowest ever and dropping.. and so is there an ED lying to me telling me i'm absolutely fine, when i'm not so? Or am I completely in control.. Very unsure...

I think I read that somewhere too
I don't want my brain to shrink but I can't take any more than that, mostly (Trigger -sorry!) I average about 350

Ahh, I don't get triggers or anything, fully recovered for 2 years! I know what you mean but sweetie, it will happen. I went for an MRI and it actually showed -- full photographic evidence -- that my brain had shrunk. My full brain capacity is only just coming back, after so long. I still have moments when I go completely blank and I find it so difficult to remember things, hence I keep a diary or else I'd forget everything that's happened. I have to make lists otherwise I will just forget. I'm sorry to say but with as little as you're consuming...everything else is probably failing too :\ your organs are made of muscle at the end of the day...and when there's nothing else for your body to get energy from...I don't mean to scaremonger, I just want to say it because it genuinely happened to me and I want to stop it happening to as many people as possible. No one should have to suffer like that. x

Wow, well done!!
I'd say I don't want to die, but that would be a lie. I don't want to die because of this. This is my way of not committing suicide! But I swear to God if this bloody eating disorder is the reason I don't get into Cambridge.....
Basically every week I tell myself I'm going to recover so that I don't cause all this damage to my body and then I get to a mealtime and I just can't make myself do it anymore.

Ahh, how similar we are! I applied to Cambridge too :P by then I had recovered -- I think they rejected me because they asked 'what are your hobbies?' and I couldn't lie, so I said 'partying, socialising, shopping and going to the gym'...I think they wanted 'reading, chess, badminton'. Could have also rejected me due to my colour. Not getting into that though!

I know what you mean. Sometimes an ED feels like the only way to keep yourself alive because it gives you control and gives you comfort. The hunger is comforting. The number on the scales getting lower and lower makes you feel like you have worth. Truth is, that's the opposite of what everyone else is thinking. The worst thing for me had to be visiting UCL. I was like a rake and my dad got really angry because people were staring at me in disgust. I looked ill.



Have you ever thought about the stuff you're missing out on? It's part of what made me get better (I also had to do it for my mum -- she's my life and I didn't want her to have to bury her own daughter/best friend). I looked at all my girlies. They all had boyfriends or at least got off with guys in clubs. No one wanted to look at me because I simply wasn't a woman anymore. I wanted to go on holiday -- couldn't do that because low BMI = no travel insurance. I wanted to enjoy a hot day without wearing a jumper, have an ice cream to cool down rather than already feeling too cold to have something cold. I wanted to go to the movies without it hurting to sit down for so long. I wanted people to stare at me because I looked good, not skeletal.

I don't know. I just wanted to be what a teenager is supposed to be. Just wanted to be normal. Lose my virginity, drink till I'm passed out etc. It helped me get better, really. The year after getting better was honestly the best of my life. I wouldn't have been able to come to uni without getting better, either. My parents wouldn't have trusted me enough. Now they have no worries. For once, they're more worried of other people harming me than myself! x

When did you visit UCL, Jazzy?

Oooh gosh! Just after my AS levels, right before I was put in hospital...so like May/June 2 years ago. x

Ahh, how similar we are! I applied to Cambridge too :P by then I had recovered -- I think they rejected me because they asked 'what are your hobbies?' and I couldn't lie, so I said 'partying, socialising, shopping and going to the gym'...I think they wanted 'reading, chess, badminton'. Could have also rejected me due to my colour. Not getting into that though!

I know what you mean. Sometimes an ED feels like the only way to keep yourself alive because it gives you control and gives you comfort. The hunger is comforting. The number on the scales getting lower and lower makes you feel like you have worth. Truth is, that's the opposite of what everyone else is thinking. The worst thing for me had to be visiting UCL. I was like a rake and my dad got really angry because people were staring at me in disgust. I looked ill.

Have you ever thought about the stuff you're missing out on? It's part of what made me get better (I also had to do it for my mum -- she's my life and I didn't want her to have to bury her own daughter/best friend). I looked at all my girlies. They all had boyfriends or at least got off with guys in clubs. No one wanted to look at me because I simply wasn't a woman anymore. I wanted to go on holiday -- couldn't do that because low BMI = no travel insurance. I wanted to enjoy a hot day without wearing a jumper, have an ice cream to cool down rather than already feeling too cold to have something cold. I wanted to go to the movies without it hurting to sit down for so long. I wanted people to stare at me because I looked good, not skeletal.

I don't know. I just wanted to be what a teenager is supposed to be. Just wanted to be normal. Lose my virginity, drink till I'm passed out etc. It helped me get better, really. The year after getting better was honestly the best of my life. I wouldn't have been able to come to uni without getting better, either. My parents wouldn't have trusted me enough. Now they have no worries. For once, they're more worried of other people harming me than myself! x

I say I want to be normal to my counsellor and she tells me off! Something about normal being just as impossible to achieve as perfect. But it's a good idea, even if drinking til you pass out isn't.
I really admire your strength

Hallo!

Posting will be short as my laptop has made the grand bon voyage and this is from the phone, but if you aren't drinking tea from fear of iron depletion dunnae worry. Add milk. The tannims bind to +2 ions. Non-haem iron is at risk as is calcium. What to do? Milk in tea will bind to the tannins before drinking. The tannins can also only bind to ions that haven't been absorbed yet, so simply avoid drinking it around meals. It can't LEACH calcium from you as the molecule is too large. If you just plain don't like tea, just don't worry about drinking it. Unless she is part of the cult of earl gray I doubt she is judging.

Feeling the best and the most in control for at least a year, not letting myself starve and not enjoying hunger or feeling 'out of it'... but my weight is the lowest ever and dropping.. and so is there an ED lying to me telling me i'm absolutely fine, when i'm not so? Or am I completely in control.. Very unsure...

x

Haha! What subject? If it's MML then omg I hope you're happier wherever you are now.
Mmm. Worst coping mechanism ever.
Kind of. My little sister is the main reason I haven't topped myself because it would kill her too. The weirdest thing is that I randomly told this guy I was semi-friends with back in January and he fell in love with me despite it. Even though I have no bum or boobs any more, and I won't let him take me out to dinner, and I'm permanently cold, and I wriggle when he touches my hips because there are always fresh cuts there. I'm worried he'll just stop wanting to deal with me and leave. Bah. He always asks me to eat for him and does the puppy eyes but I just can't. I had no idea you couldn't travel because of it! The thing is that half the time I don't even want to be thin anymore. It just is too painful to eat.
I say I want to be normal to my counsellor and she tells me off! Something about normal being just as impossible to achieve as perfect. But it's a good idea, even if drinking til you pass out isn't.
I really admire your strength

The sense of control and change has been, not over obsessive weight-loss or calorie goals... but over myself, my own appetite and my decisions. Situations like going to the cinema or meals out no longer terrify me, and I try and embrace them and really enjoy them... but, without any conscious effort over what I actually fancy eating, the 'healthy' option always gets picked. I will go to the cinema and instead of wanting popcorn or crisps I will feel like I genuinely want some fruit. Is this me having a healthy lifestyle and my other friends (who are extremely unfit, dont even do any walking, and eat take-aways every day) being in the wrong?
A sense of control is also from not having half as many negative thoughts about myself and not 'deserving' the food. I now have one treat every day, something I love like a slice of cake or piece of chocolate. To me this is a good all-rounded approach to health. But is it... who knows. I also despise take-aways and have no idea whether this is me or not.

I think, like Toto, not setting myself a calorie limit has led myself to overestimate in order to feel 'safe'... leading me to not binge as I don't feel like i'm going without, but loose weight because i'm still way under. I basically feel less of a link between my emotions food... but it may just be hiding better. Hmmm...

And you're right Riku there is no need to have a goal other than living your life to the fullest... Having a very close, (young), family member die recently has proved to me how important that is!

Philosophy and Italian, but I'm changing to FCH Modern Languages this coming year because Philosophy is stressy!
I'm sorry for being harsh but he probably will. At the end of the day, guys do like confident, independent girls and there will come a point when he gives up. Even my family pretty much gave up on me in the end. I know my boyfriend would leave me if I ever had a relapse -- it's just too much for someone to face, especially if they love that person. I mean, think about what it's doing to your man. He probably wants to do so many cute things like go for a meal, go bowling, theme parks etc. with you -- stuff couples do -- but can't because he's scared about your health.
Haha you can't do a lot, trust me! No travelling, no driving. Some gyms won't let you get membership until your BMI is at least 18.5. You can't really drink either because it will really damage your insides.
Yes, normal isn't achievable, but just being like everyone else is. And it's the best feeling in the world. Honestly, my girls just being like 'Jaz, fancy going out for dinner for a catch up?' and me not trying to calculate the calories in the meal and being able to order a main, wine and dessert feels like heaven. And they don't have to worry any more. No one does.
Awww thanks sweetie x

E, atleast you've got a boyfriend.